Second Weddings

My sister and her kids...

My problem is actually threefold.

First of all, my sister was my maid of honor in my first wedding. This time, my daughter will be. My sister has been so awful where my fiance is concerned, I'm not even asking her to be in the wedding. I don't know if she knows that or not. If she apologizes to him profusely and sincerely, maybe. I just don't see how I can in good conscience, ask her to be in my wedding party when she has treated him so badly, and I don't know what to say if it comes up. She feels her reasons for her treatment of him are legitimate, so I don't know how to make her see that she's in the wrong.

Second of all, I'm from the South and all of my family lives there, in a few different states. I just moved to the NYC area and am planning to get married in Tappan. Recently my sister asked me if I was still planning to get married at home. I had considered this when we moved, as we have a lot of friends there, or so I thought at the time. Hardly any of them have stayed in touch or asked how we're doing, and I'm on Facebook everyday.

So I said No, I don't want the added stress of planning a wedding from a distance. No one has time to help me, anyway. We originally thought we would get married on Tybee Island in GA, but that, too proved to be too hard. And this is New York...why would I want to get married in Charlotte when I can get married here?

Well, I could hear her asshole pucker over the phone. She actually said, "Well, if you don't get married here, it's going to make it really hard on us. It's going to be very difficult for all of us (her, her husband and FOUR sons) to travel that far, and Ken will have to take time off work."

Umm...WHAT?

Is it just me or is she being, well, selfish? (That's a rhetorical question) I can't believe she actually said that. Or maybe I can. My sister, for some unknown reason, thinks that the world SHOULD revolve around her, although she knows full well that it doesn't. And I'M usually a lot more practical than she is, but this is MY wedding, and I'm throwing some practicality out the window for once.

I'm going home for 3 weeks to see my kids while my fiance finds us an apartment, and I'm worried that this will come up and she'll bully me about it.

Also, if she DOES decide to make the effort to come, I don't want her boys to come. One of them is her 11 year old step son, whom she is constantly riding and chastising about his behavior, and the other three will be 4, 3 and not quite 2 at the time of our wedding. Despite her efforts to (not literally) beat the freewill out of them, they are not very well-behaved, and I don't see that changing over the next year. One of them is quite an imp and VERY headstrong. I adore my nephews but what I DON'T want is any spankings, whining, or crying at my wedding or reception, or any sniping back and forth between my sister and brother-in-law (who usually gets stuck with the chasing and the feeding at these affairs.). Also, at about $100 head, I can't afford for them to all come anyway.

But I can't just tell her not to bring them. These boys are her "attention getters" and she will whine and fuss about not being able to find people to take care of them, and my mother will probably take her side. I just can't stand the thought of these kids ruining my wedding. She insisted on bringing them to my father's funeral this past October and they were AWFUL.

But wait, there's more! Ha ha ha. My fiance recently reconnected with HIS sister...they never had a falling out or anything, they had just grown apart. We spent some quality time with her and her family over Christmas...he has a 4 year old nephew and a one year old nephew, both of whom are very well-behaved. He really wants for them to come. Can I get by with this by having the older one as our ring bearer, and playing dumb about the younger one?

I just don't know how to stand up to my sister and not feel guilty and selfish about it for once. She's really good at making me feel that way, when I shouldn't. I don't want to be talked into something I'm gonna hate myself for later.

I think this is more of a rant than anything...I'm not sure anyone can actually help me with this.

Re: My sister and her kids...

  • edited December 2011
    Wow, that is a lot to deal with. At least now that you are in NY you won't have to deal with her very often.

    It would be easy enough to say, no kids - period. Maybe you can have the other child of your SIL fill some other roll, or have dual ring bearers explaining that the little one was too afraid to do it alone (yeah, that sounds good). Usually if you stand up to a bully, and it sounds like your sister is one, they back down. I sort of enjoy standing my ground against a bully. It's empowering. I am sure it won't be easy, it gets easier the more you practice, but try standing up to her and your mother and saying - It will be my way or you are welcome to go back to Greenbow, Alabama (or where ever, getting a Forest Gump flashback). Guilt? Did you try to tell your sister how to handle her wedding?  Forget that crap, this is YOUR wedding. No one can make you feel any sort of way unless you let them.

    CCH
  • edited December 2011
    If I were your Fi, and your sister treated me like crap - I'd protest even INVITING her. So many times on here- we hear the bride complaining about how someone in her groom to be's family treats her badly.  And more often than not, there will be a post that says "his family, his problem" or " why are you marrying a man who lets his family treat his future wife like this?"  So my question to you is the same - why would you invite someone to celebrate your marriage who feels that her reasons for treating the groom like crap are justified?  Never mind not having her in the wedding party - why would you even invite her.  If you say, "she's my sister"  then what I hear is that your family comes before your Fi.  Not a healthy way to start your life together. 

    I would suggest you call your sister and say, " Sis, you know I love you.  However, there's something really bothering me.  You treat Kryss like total crap.  Here's three examples...  This is the man I love, and am marrying.  You do not have to like him.  But in respect for me, you do have to be polite, courteous and respectful to him.  If you cannot do that for me, then where I have the wedding will be the least of the problem in this situation."  If she cannot agree to do that, you very simply can say, "Well then, I understand that you have made your choice.  I hope that you and I can continue to chat on the phone occasionally, if you can stay away from the subject of Kryss, but I am sure that considering that choice, having all of us together would not be acceptable to me. I'll miss visiting with you."  If she is willing to try to be respectful, etc. then also "We live in NY.  We are getting married in NY.  I understand that it is an expense for you to travel here.  If you cannot afford it, I will understand and I will miss you." 

    As far as the devil spawn - it's pretty hard to invite some and not the other, especially where you are not inviting your sister's children.  I think you have to decide one way or the other (I'd go with no kids- the 4 yr old and the one year old will not know the difference, will not enjoy the event, will not appreciate the $100 food), and his sister may just want a night out without them. 

    I just don't know how to stand up to my sister and not feel guilty and selfish about it for once. She's really good at making me feel that way, when I shouldn't. I don't want to be talked into something I'm gonna hate myself for later.  Here's where a good script or practice helps a lot.  You have nothing to be guilty about - she's being the jerk.  You are not being selfish - if she comes, fine, if she can't too bad.  What could she possibly talk you into??  Not caring about your Fi?  Not expecting him to be treated respectfully?  Not having your wedding where you live?   Inviting children you don't want there?  What??  You will only hate yourself if you go against what you know is right.  Honestly, strap on a pair of ovaries, call her up and address this.  I agree with the pp who said that standing up to bullies makes them back down.  She's got many years of experiencing in bullying you.  Its time to put an end to it.  ~Donna
  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    edited December 2011
    "strap on a pair of ovaries"

    LOVE THAT!

    People bitch here all the time about family members. Don't worry about it.

    You are having your daughter as your maid of honor, which says to me you have moved on, started a new family, and you are still allowing your sister to make you feel as though you owe HER something.

    Have your adult wedding, with adults. That way there are no kids, period. No one has to have a flower girl, or ring bearer, or whatever. Don't beat yourself up over other people's problems. How she gets a sitter so she can attend your wedding is NOT your problem. How she feels is NOT your problem. As far as how to talk to her, the prior posters have given great suggestions I can't improve upon.

    I'm an only child because my brother died almost 37 years ago. I miss him terribly. But I would never take crap from a family member simply because they felt it was their right to shovel it on.

    Dear Abby or Ann Landers once said "No one can take advantage of you unless you let them". It's good advice, especially for women who take on their entire family's problems and make them their own. You have a new family to worry about and cutting the apron strings also includes siblings sometimes.

    Good luck.
  • edited December 2011
    Thanks everyone. I think I'm probably making a bigger deal over this than I have to, I tend to "borrow trouble." I'm going to be very matter of fact about this. My mother and father (who passed away in October) helped my sister pay for her second wedding, but Mama hasn't mentioned helping me pay for mine and I'm not expecting it anyway...and as such she has nothing to hold over my head as leverage either. So yeah...Kryss and I are paying for all of this ourselves, so I don't owe anyone anything.

    I appreciate all the input. And yeah, the "ovaries" comment ROCKS. Wink
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards