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BM burdened by bride

RubyParkRubyPark member
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in Wedding Party
Recently my bridesmaid told me my wedding has been a burden to her.  When she told me this the only thing we had done at that point was purchase dresses - which she picked out for herself.  My other bridesmaids have pllanned the shower and bachelorette party and I have not heard from her since.  When I see her in public we say hi, but not much more.  When I tried to talk with her about her comments, she said she has a lot on her plate.  (Keep in mind she is young and lives with her parents yet.) 

I'm trying to keep this brief, but should I have taken this as a hint that she didn't want to be a part of this wedding but didn't know how to say it?  I'm pretty hurt that she said the wedding was a burden to her and other bridesmaids and my groom have been complaining about her attitude which is at best described as grumpy.  I realize how poor etiquette it is to kick out a bridal party member, but I wonder if she's trying to find a way to get out of the "burden" and me offering to pay for her dress and letting her walk away would be a kindness to her???  Help!
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Re: BM burdened by bride

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    twilight.rosetwilight.rose member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    Her only requirements as a BM are to buy a dress and show up at the wedding. She's already done one of these. Just because she isn't interested in planning pre-wedding parties doesn't mean she wants out of being in your WP.

    Just let it be. If she wants to step down, she will.
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    Maybe she feels burdened by the fact that for whatever reason, she couldn't contribute to the shower or b-party.

    Or perhaps she was left out of the planning of those events, but was simply billed for her "share" by those who did plan.

    Or perhaps her financial circumstances have changed and right now, the cost of a wedding is hard for her.

    I wouldn't read anything more into this, and I certainly wouldn't "offer" to let her out.  Because that conversation usually means that you say "If being in the wedding is too much for you, and you want to drop out, I understand."  She hears "OMG, she doesn't want me in the wedding anymore."

    IYour wedding is in two months.  Ride it out.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    If she wants out, she'll bow out.  She doesn't need your permission to do so.  Like trix said, she may be stressed about other things and taking it out on you.  Or maybe she's the type who likes to stir up drama if the spotlight isn't on her?

    Since it sounds like you haven't told her she needs to do anything other than buy the dress, and she picked it out, you have nothing to feel sorry about.  Like trix said, ride it out.  It truly is doable. My sister was my MOH and no pre-wedding event was complete without some sort of meltdown.  It didn't ruin the wedding and I'm glad I didn't boot her out, though I'd be lying if I said it was easy the entire time.  But if I can do it, trust me, you can do it!
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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Just have a nice heart to heart with her.  "Hey I just want to make sure that everything is OK.  Is there anything that would make it easier on you?"
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    loop0406loop0406 member
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    Just ask her about it, say 'if it's too much for you, would you prefer not to be the bridesmaid and just be a guest?'
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-burdened-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d193e96a-0976-48b2-a6eb-9cea2c7a3637Post:9220b79c-5fd0-4728-a6e7-d1c41f3a3682">Re: BM burdened by bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just ask her about it, say 'if it's too much for you, would you prefer not to be the bridesmaid and just be a guest?'
    Posted by loop0406[/QUOTE]

    I disagree with this.  It can so easily lead to the hearer saying "okay, she just said she doesn't want me in the wedding."

     I think that brides need to let the BM opt out on her own rather than, even unwittingly sending a message that can be misinterpreted and lead to a whole new world of drama.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    PeonyPrincesskddPeonyPrincesskdd
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-burdened-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d193e96a-0976-48b2-a6eb-9cea2c7a3637Post:23b72722-aa1c-4250-890a-360a2599582e">BM burdened by bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]Recently my bridesmaid told me my wedding has been a burden to her.  When she told me this the only thing we had done at that point was purchase dresses - which she picked out for herself.  My other bridesmaids have pllanned the shower and bachelorette party and I have not heard from her since.  When I see her in public we say hi, but not much more.  When I tried to talk with her about her comments, she said she has a lot on her plate.  (Keep in mind she is young and lives with her parents yet.)  I'm trying to keep this brief, but should I have taken this as a hint that she didn't want to be a part of this wedding but didn't know how to say it?  I'm pretty hurt that she said the wedding was a burden to her and other bridesmaids and my groom have been complaining about her attitude which is at best described as grumpy. <strong> I realize how poor etiquette it is to kick out a bridal party member, </strong>but I wonder if she's trying to find a way to get out of the "burden" and me offering to pay for her dress and letting her walk away would be a kindness to her???  Help!
    Posted by RubyPark[/QUOTE]

    Your right.  You can't kick out a bridal party member.  She might have said some things in the moment.  Maybe she was stressed.  Maybe financial issues or family or work are getting to her.  She needs some space maybe. 

    If she didn't say that she doesn't want to be in the wedding, then you can't imply it. 

    You need to talk to her as a friend and not as a bride.  Why not ask her what is going on in HER life?  Have you hung out much since you became engaged, went out to coffee, a movie.. etc or has it been all about wedding, wedding, wedding? 

    Have you talked to her about anything other than your wedding?  Maybe that can be a problem.  Perhaps you are burning her out. 

    Perhaps you need to be a friend right now and instead of talking to her as a bride and wedding wedding wedding you need to talk about her and what she may be going through in her life right now to be feeling like this. That's what I would do. 

    The wedding in fact may be a burden to her.  Should she have told you that and worded it that way? No.  But you should talk to her and see what is going on in her life to see why she would be feeling this way.  Weddings can be a burden.. Bridal party members have to take off of work depending when the wedding is or how far they live, travel expenses, etc. 

    Bottom line: Just talk to her about HER and see where it goes from there 
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    vegasgroomvegasgroom mod
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-burdened-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d193e96a-0976-48b2-a6eb-9cea2c7a3637Post:23b72722-aa1c-4250-890a-360a2599582e">BM burdened by bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]Recently my bridesmaid told me my wedding has been a burden to her.  When she told me this the only thing we had done at that point was purchase dresses - which she picked out for herself.  My other bridesmaids have pllanned the shower and bachelorette party <strong>and I have not heard from her since</strong>.  When I see her in public we say hi, but not much more.  When I tried to talk with her about her comments, she said she has a lot on her plate.  (Keep in mind she is young and lives with her parents yet.)  I'm trying to keep this brief, but should I have taken this as a hint that she didn't want to be a part of this wedding but didn't know how to say it?  I'm pretty hurt that she said the wedding was a burden to her and <strong>other bridesmaids and my groom have been complaining about her attitude</strong> which is at best described as grumpy.  I realize how poor etiquette it is to kick out a bridal party member, but I wonder if she's trying to find a way to get out of the "burden" and me offering to pay for her dress and letting her walk away would be a kindness to her???  Help!
    Posted by RubyPark[/QUOTE]


    Sounds like there is some back story we're not being given.  Perhaps this girl has had some negative interactions with your other BM's and your future husband and that's what she's referring to as burdening her; i.e. I want to be in your wedding and I have no problem buying this dress but the way your BM's are treating me about (insert whatever here) is a burden.  Perhaps the other BM's asked her to help out with something they had the time/desire/money/etc. to do and got snippy when she said she didn't have the time/desire/money/etc. to do whatever their grand ideas was.  Would not be the first time I've heard that around TK.

    Married in Vegas - June 2011


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    KimhreesKimhrees member
    First Comment
    I'm so sorry you have to deal with this stress! It is no fun for the bride at all! But maybe you could have another one of your BM's talk to her on the side so she doesn't feel so confronted if you talk to her, and let her know that there shouldn't be any stress on her part, but if there is, to find out what it is so that she can just relax and be happy. Hopefully she will come through for you on your big day since it should be about you and your husband and not your BM's grumpy attitude.
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    mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-burdened-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d193e96a-0976-48b2-a6eb-9cea2c7a3637Post:a0979dc7-d7e9-4355-aba0-3acd0869bfd8">Re: BM burdened by bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm so sorry you have to deal with this stress! It is no fun for the bride at all! But maybe you could have another one of your BM's talk to her on the side so she doesn't feel so confronted if you talk to her, and let her know that there shouldn't be any stress on her part, but if there is, to find out what it is so that she can just relax and be happy. Hopefully she will come through for you on your big day since it should be about you and your husband and not your BM's grumpy attitude.
    Posted by Kimhrees[/QUOTE]


    It's not the other bridesmaids' responsibility to get involved with this. Don't drag someone else into your problems.
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