Perspective needed - FI and babies

M&R7111 · March 2011

As a quick background summary:
Early in our engagement/relationship, FI would make comments whenever there were babies around like "Oh, don't give her any ideas", especially if I was holding one. If we were asked if we are going to have kids, he would make comments or gestures indicating that would be the death of him.

He told me, many times in private, that he wants kids. It was a huge part of us talking about getting married and having a life together. I finally had the last straw at this behavior. I sat him down and blatantly said "don't f*ck with me on this - having a family is a big must in my life and we are going to have some real issues if we get married and then you turn around to say you don't want kids."

He assured me he wanted kids - that we could start TTC after a year of being married (I'm 30, BTW - he originally wanted to wait 5 years to even start trying!). After this discussion, he assured me he wanted kids and I was getting worked up over nothing.

So last night, I had my friends over for dinner. They have a 14 month old girl who was climbing all over us while we were sitting on the couches talking. One of her socks fell off and I picked it up. I looked at FI and said "Look, and you say MY socks are small, haha". He then looks at my friend Dave and goes "What are you trying to do to me, man? Now she's getting all "cutesey" over little socks. Don't give her any ideas!"

Dave just looked back at my FI - not too sure what kind of response FI was expecting to get from him. Dave had always wanted to be a dad and is thrilled to have a daughter. After they left I told FI - "you know, I wish you wouldn't say things about not wanting to have kids in front of my friends like that". He got all defensive saying "You know I want to have kids!" Of course, I asked him the question "Then why the helll do you say things like this?!" I got no answer.

So help, please - is he stringing me along? Is he just agreeing to have kids because he knows I want a family? I won't have kids with a guy who is doing it just for me - for obvious reasons.
Or does he just have some "idea" in his head that as a guy, this is what he's suppose to say (he does have this thing where he assumes a guy should act a certain way, and it use to drive me nuts)

MinM · March 2011

Maybe he thinks this is funny? Try making your own jokes. Your FI to Dave, "Don't be giving her ideas!" You to FI, "Oh, honey. With a tiny pecker like your's, I'm sure your shooting blanks! I have no worries. Ha ha ha ha ha."

Meaghann17 · March 2011

it sounds like he's trying to be funny. my fiance and i plan on having children- in fact he wants them before i do, but that doesnt mean its something he wants to necessarily share with his buddies (or my friends).

he has made several comments like what your fi says and i just laugh along with him or zing him back.

Butter Cookie · March 2011

This would be a big problem for me. He's acting like an ass and using you as the butt of his jokes to his and your friends.

It would stop or he would be gone.

adventureolive · March 2011

It just sounds like he's trying to be funny. You have to see it from his perspective: he wants to be married for a while before having kids (which he does want to do) and he may feel like you're rushing him too much, and he's joking about it because he doesn't feel you'd react well to him pointing out that you're pushing him too much.

Or, it's possible that he's always found that line funny and uses it out of habit, and you're overreacting.

doeie04 · March 2011

My fiance does want kids. I had the same talk you did with him. He isn't in a hurry because he is worried about the financial side of things. He doesn't like the unknown.

It seems like your guy is saying it to be funny, or not show that he wants them to be "manly". But if he keeps saying stuff like that after he knows it bugs you, then I would worry.

M&R7111 · March 2011

Thanks for the advice. I let him know it really hurts me - I guess he just can't help but joke like this. Once, when I was holding my nephew, his mom said "so are you guys going to try for kids?" and he made this huge deal shaking his head no - like that was the very LAST thing he would want. I have more guy friends than girls, and I see them ALL talk about how they can't wait to be a dad and I guess it is my expectation that FI expressed those feelings too. He has on many occasions acted like a fool to try and seem "manly". I've almost broken up with him early in the relationship about it. He wouldn't hold my hand if I reached for his, would say things to his buddies about how I have his "balls in a jar" - mind you, he never had once needed my permission to do things with his friends.... He has gotten much better, though - progress is a good thing.

About being rushed - I've got medical issues and my doc has told US that it may be hard for me conceive and possibly to carry a baby and that under no circumstances should we put of trying a few years - especially since I'm already 30.
FI blew this off as "this is what all doctors say - they want you to have kids young"
That's another and unrelated issue, though - he doesn't get that it's MY BODY that will be going through this stress! I put it this way: would YOU run a marathon at 40 and expect to be able to complete it?

Plus, if we do wait until I'm 35 to try - we might not ever have kids, whether he truly wants them or not.

RamonaFlowers · March 2011

Truthfully, you're the only one here that actually "knows" your FI, the people here can only speculate on it.

If you really can't tell whether or not he's "joking" when he makes his anti-baby comments (Or if he's telling the truth when he privately tells you he wants kids), maybe you need to re-evaluate the relationship. I'm not saying you have to break up, but maybe you need to do a little more soul-searching in the next 3 months to make sure that you actually understand what you're getting into when you marry him. Personally, I couldn't walk down the aisle not being 1,000% sure on what his stance on having kids is.

bAEbling · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_perspective-needed-fi-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b19cf0c0-c2ef-4a9a-84c4-edcb6dfef340Post:a6a24dc2-3b0e-453d-84ae-bb1efcdc50d0">Re: Perspective needed - FI and babies</a>:
[QUOTE]Truthfully, you're the only one here that actually "knows" your FI, the people here can only speculate on it. If you really can't tell whether or not he's "joking" when he makes his anti-baby comments (Or if he's telling the truth when he privately tells you he wants kids), maybe you need to re-evaluate the relationship. I'm not saying you have to break up, but maybe you need to do a little more soul-searching in the next 3 months to make sure that you actually understand what you're getting into when you marry him. Personally, I couldn't walk down the aisle not being 1,000% sure on what his stance on having kids is.
Posted by RamonaFlowers[/QUOTE]
This.<div>
</div><div>If you need internet strangers to interpret your FI's words, that's not a good sign. If you want to reproduce with this guy, you should at least feel comfortable talking with him.</div>

tidetravel · March 2011

You guys can't handle a dog; for the love of god, don't procreate.

M&R7111 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_perspective-needed-fi-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b19cf0c0-c2ef-4a9a-84c4-edcb6dfef340Post:a62cf65f-9204-4b24-b791-f272d84ae6ee">Re: Perspective needed - FI and babies</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Perspective needed - FI and babies : This. If you need internet strangers to interpret your FI's words, that's not a good sign. If you want to reproduce with this guy, you should at least feel comfortable talking with him.
Posted by bAEbling[/QUOTE]

The problem is that I thought I knew where he stood, and now after last night I'm baffled. I am comfortable talking to him - and I know he will give me the same answer - he wants to have kids and I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I'm assuming it's his way of feeling 'manly' because he often talks in the future tense about "our kids". Things like "oh, our kids will have this or that", so I know it's somewhere in his plans. But god forbid we are in front of people - it's "dont go giving her any ideas!"

I do not need internet strangers to interpret my FI's words - but was putting this out there in the hopes that maybe someone shares the same situation with me. Maybe someone would say "yeah, FI did that to and this is how it turned out..." Trust me, I'm not going to take advice on here 100% as my answer, but wanted to put this question out somewhere and see what others had to say because it's been on my mind today and I'm the only one home. FI works when I'm awake/home and is home when I'm working - we don't get much talking time these days.

emilyinchile · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_perspective-needed-fi-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b19cf0c0-c2ef-4a9a-84c4-edcb6dfef340Post:bb831fd3-e822-4edf-b376-57b52d1b5eea">Re: Perspective needed - FI and babies</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Perspective needed - FI and babies : The problem is that I thought I knew where he stood, and now after last night I'm baffled. I am comfortable talking to him - and I know he will give me the same answer - he wants to have kids and I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I'm assuming it's his way of feeling 'manly' because he often talks in the future tense about "our kids". Things like "oh, our kids will have this or that", so I know it's somewhere in his plans. But god forbid we are in front of people - it's "dont go giving her any ideas!"
Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I wouldn't marry someone who is either so insecure that he needs to make stupid, stereotypical comments that I'd told him made me upset or someone who cared so little about my feelings that he didn't feel the need to make the comments but made them anyway because he thought they were funny.</div><div>
</div><div>But you and I wouldn't do too many things in the same way, so I'm not sure how much my opinion can help you.

</div>

HappinessByTheKilowatt · March 2011

Your fiance sounds like kind of a jerk. He has a history of saying things that are knowingly hurtful after you have asked him not to. If that's how he covers up being insecure about life changes, then he needs to see a therapist. I am sorry you're having doubts about what his true feelings on the subject are, and that's a really crappy place to be in, but it does wave some flags to me that he can't man up in public even while he is watching his other friends enjoying fatherhood. He is acting like your medical condition is no big deal to your childbearing. It's a huge deal-- believe me, I am in the same boat, so I know. He should be supportive, or at the very least honest, after hearing what the doctor had to say. Might be time for talking about more than just having kids. Good luck.

M&R7111 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_perspective-needed-fi-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b19cf0c0-c2ef-4a9a-84c4-edcb6dfef340Post:188b76ef-ec30-4056-b400-d283a019bcc6">Re: Perspective needed - FI and babies</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Perspective needed - FI and babies : I wouldn't marry someone who is either so insecure that he needs to make stupid, stereotypical comments that I'd told him made me upset or someone who cared so little about my feelings that he didn't feel the need to make the comments but made them anyway because he thought they were funny. But you and I wouldn't do too many things in the same way, so I'm not sure how much my opinion can help you.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

Well, that is a correct opinion - I wouldn't marry someone that you just described either.

I know FI in real life, so what is posted here w/o any other background perspective does make him seem like someone who care so little about my feelings - but I wouldn't generalize so much.

I know when I talk to him about it tonight he will take my feelings into account. Obviously I need to be confident on where he stands on this before I marry him in 3 months.

M&R7111 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_perspective-needed-fi-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b19cf0c0-c2ef-4a9a-84c4-edcb6dfef340Post:fc44e2b0-4081-4984-8e26-a04cedfa024d">Re: Perspective needed - FI and babies</a>:
[QUOTE]Your fiance sounds like kind of a jerk. He has a history of saying things that are knowingly hurtful after you have asked him not to. If that's how he covers up being insecure about life changes, then he needs to see a therapist. I am sorry you're having doubts about what his true feelings on the subject are, and <strong>that's a really crappy place to be in, but it does wave some flags to me that he can't man up in public even while he is watching his other friends enjoying fatherhood.</strong> He is acting like your medical condition is no big deal to your childbearing. It's a huge deal-- believe me, I am in the same boat, so I know. He should be supportive, or at the very least honest, after hearing what the doctor had to say. Might be time for talking about more than just having kids. Good luck.
Posted by HappinessByTheKilowatt[/QUOTE]

That's my problem, the manning up in public part. I do have to say, though, these are my guy friends, not his. All his guy friends do not have kids, nor do they want any. His brother is in the same boat. His brother doesn't even have interest in marriage and being 'tied down'. This is where I feel he developed his "definition" of how men should feel about these things. There was even a time when he scoffed at marriage in front of me with his guys friends before we got engaged. (yep, had a conversation about that one also) I'm assuming its the same with this baby situation. He's thrilled to be getting married and he is the one who wanted the big wedding.
I don't know why he's so insecure, though. He's one person in private, then puts on this front with his friends.

I will say, in his defense, it's not all the time. He treats me very well and I hear from others that he always "gushes" about me to people he meets. I don't want to put the impression that he's just a jerk all the time to me making nasty remarks and bad jokes every time we are out.

pizzanfries4me · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_perspective-needed-fi-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:b19cf0c0-c2ef-4a9a-84c4-edcb6dfef340Post:188b76ef-ec30-4056-b400-d283a019bcc6">Re: Perspective needed - FI and babies</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Perspective needed - FI and babies : I wouldn't marry someone who is either so insecure that he needs to make stupid, stereotypical comments that I'd told him made me upset or someone who cared so little about my feelings that he didn't feel the need to make the comments but made them anyway because he thought they were funny.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

Exactly what she said - also, I'm thinking, 3 years down the road, say you are blessed with a child, will people remember his smart-ass comments and side eye (or gossip) about you for 'trapping him', especially since it sounds like he's made numerous comments like this...

M&R7111 · March 2011

Update -

FI comes home from work with a baby bib that says "Phillies" on it. (He works in Philly and is a Phillies fan). He gives me the bib and says "I want to have kids, as long as you promise not to raise it as a Yankees fan".

He thought we were good in understanding that he wants kids so he assumed I would take that comment last night as a joke... which he says it was. He also told me he's nervous that the goal of having kids is closer to being a reality so he makes those jokes.

I told him I spent the whole day going "WTF was that comment all about?", especially after sitting him down when he first started acting this way and he assured me he wanted kids.

At any rate, I feel better. Thanks for the advice from everyone. I'm glad he came home and I wasn't the one who had to bring up the issue. It shows a lot that he knew well enough that I was bothered and decided to take the initiative to "fix it".

He can act like a jerk sometimes, but makes up for it

M&R7111 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_perspective-needed-fi-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b19cf0c0-c2ef-4a9a-84c4-edcb6dfef340Post:c789dc60-cb19-4a84-bdfb-d18e5b41f089">Re: Perspective needed - FI and babies</a>:
[QUOTE]no one besides you ansd your H need to know where you stand on the timeline. that said, it sounds like he is making a joke and dismissing the child thoughts in front of other poeple. how about making a compromise that you won't talk baby talk/TTC talk in front of other people if he promises to stop making jokes that hurt your feelings? although i am not sure how it hurts your feelings. <strong>maybe you ARE baby crazed? </strong>we don't know. good luck with that.
Posted by Wifezzilla[/QUOTE]

No - I think you've missed my point. I never bring up babies with other people or our timeline. I have just been put off by his reactions when I am around children. Most of his comments were unprovoked - meaning we weren't asked about having kids or talking about it. Usually I will hold my friend's kid to help out or feed my nephew and he will, on his own, say something like "oh, geeze, now you're giving her ideas - don't give her any ideas about wanting kids".

I don't bring up the topic of having kids when it's just him and I as well. My thought is "let's just get to the wedding first!". Of course, we agreed to have kids, a must-talk-about topic before agreeing to get married. But otherwise it hasn't been discussed.

I'm not baby crazed - I just want to make sure that he does intend to start a family one day like he said before we got engaged. I was getting mixed signals.

geekette2010 · March 2011

My husband and I both make jokes like that. Now that we have a dog, there are a lot of jokes about how our dog is so much better than a baby because we can leave her in a cage while we're gone and it's not a crime, etc.

We're both deeply committed to have a family, but are really private about that and about the fertility issues we likely face. For us, the baby jokes are an easy way to deflect the pressure from friends and our parents about when we're going to give their child a playmate or give our parents a grandchild. Maybe that's why he does it- it's easier to make a joke than talk about a subject that he may consider to be very personal.

The part about this that bothers me is that he keeps making jokes about babies, and more importantly, about YOU, when you say it hurts your feelings. I would talk to him about that. After that, talk about how you think it's appropriate to act when the subject of babies comes up. GL!

Lauren12182011 · March 2011

Are you guys doing any pre-marital counseling? This would be a good topic to bring up. He really could want kids, but if he feels like he has to act a certain way then that in itself signifies a problem. Sometimes guys just need a little more work to get them where we want them!

But never marry them until they are there. Good luck!

Butter Cookie · March 2011

Wz I think the biggest thing is the timeline the doctor has given her (that was this thread, wasn't it?)

Yeah, I wouldn't marry the guy. I'd dump him, and, if being a mother is so important, I'd go ahead and get a donor and have a baby on my own, without some jackhole embarrassing me in front of friends and family.

ReturnOfKuus · March 2011

Ick. I think you have a FI who just makes lame, flat jokes.

Perspective needed - FI and babies

Re: Perspective needed - FI and babies

Choose Another Board

Search Boards