Congregation Blues

TangledMelody · March 2012

Hi ladies,

My fiance and I belong to a church with a pretty sizeable congregation. I've been going there my whole life, but I'm only close to a handful of people. Since we got engaged last month, I've already had a bunch of people ask about the date and they are clearly assuming that they're invited!

Its already going to be about 120 people with just both our families! After that, we can only afford to invite very close friends. Inviting acquaintances is not something we can afford! (My mom also works in the church office, so double awkward!) How do I handle all these well-meaning people without hurting feelings? If I add all the people who think they're invited, it would add another 50+ people! Please help!

fpaemp2011 · March 2012

Are you having your ceremony at your home church? How many will your church hold?

Where I'm from in Virginia, it's customary for CEREMONIES held in the church to be open to the public. Most of the time, there's a little announcement in the bulletin that might say, "Sally and Jeff are getting married at the church on April 21st at 5pm. Congregation is welcome to attend the ceremony. Reception is private." People really do understand budgets and venue capacites, but your church family also likes to see you get married.

You wouldn't send an invitation by mail to people for "just the ceremony." For the church members you are closer to, you would send an invitation, by mail, for the ceremony and reception.

We did not get married at either of our home churches, and the church we were married in was smaller than both of ours. We had to pick and choose church friends, which sucked, but they wouldn't have fit if we made it open. If we had decided to use my home church (DH's was 4 hours away), it would have been open, because there would have been more than enough room..

agape1cor813 · March 2012

This is just my opinion, but from my experience if you tell people you are keeping the wedding on the smaller side (i.e., just family and close friends) strictly for money reasons, I think most people would understand. Perhaps you and your mother could kind of split the task of telling your church friends (assuming you and she know most of the people involved) it is strictly for money reasons ... it might help to hear it from a parent who most people assume have a say in the cost of the wedding. Again, these are just my opinions.

Bett2012 · March 2012

Ditto Emily. Our church congregation is always "invited" to come to ceremonies that happen at the church through the bulletin... it doesn't add any extra cost because the reception is still private.

That would only work if it's kind of the norm at your church too though, not sure how you would go about starting that trend :S

GJones27 · March 2012

I wouldn't automatically assume that they think they're invited. I think the natural question following an engagement is to ask when one is getting married. Maybe they just want to be friendly.

RebeccaJac · March 2012

If you wouldn't be offended not getting invited to their wedding, chances are, they won't be offended if you can't invite them.

RyansBelovedBride · March 2012

In my church there's no pressure like this that I've heard of, I'll just invite my closer friends from church and it will be fine if we are blessed enough to have a US wedding.

But Ryan's church will be expected to be invited to our wedding in India. He's upset about that, because he'd like to have a small intimate wedding. I don't really mind so long as we can figure out how to afford it, but he'd rather limit it (if he invites his church the guest list will definiltely be over 200) but I think he's beginning to realize he can't really do that socially without being very rude. Being Indian, weddings over there are often 500 guests and above, so no one would understand him thinking 200 is too big.

To be honest, it looks like we'll just have to invite his church. I'll let you know if we figure out a way to get around it! lol

GunzNRoses213 · March 2012

I've heard of the ceremony only clause for people who attend your church it makes perfect sense if you have the room /space. I suggested it for mine and I was told no because I'm not actually having it at my home church ... Its really hard for me being a pastor's kid and having so many people from almost 30 years condensed into one day ... But in your case the open ceremony for church members they should be able to understand.

TangledMelody · March 2012

Thanks everyone. The "ceremony only" isn't normal in Wisconsin that I've ever heard of, but it sure would be nice in this case. The last several girls who got married were the pastor's daughters, and they invited everyone in the whole church and then had a simple cake reception in the church gym. (I think everyone thinks that's what we're doing.) That's fine for them, but I want dinner and dancing, and that's not doable with A., so many people, and B., our church having a No-dancing reception policy. I'll just have to be as tactful as possible and decide what to do closer to the wedding.

@Ryansbelovedbride , Honestly, that sounds like a blast to have so many people there, but you'd have to keep it simple with food, I'd think. It sounds like you're hopping between continents. It would be a lot of work, but how awesome would it be to have a small, intimate US ceremony and a traditional Indian wedding over there? Indian weddings are so beautiful! I'd say, live it up! Not many people get to have two weddings!

ElisabethJoanne · March 2012

For OP: Some people go to lots of weddings, but a lot of people don't. Then they think whatever happened at the last wedding they attended (or just heard of) is normal and will happen at the next. Their expectations are off-kilter, but they're not very strong. They might expect one thing, but be fine with another. It's just another aspect of "no one cares about your wedding as much as you do." That includes attending your wedding. So even if they think they're invited, don't worry they'll be disappointed if they end up not invited.

That said, if you can socially acceptably swing ceremony-only invites, that's great. It totally was the norm for my old etiquette books, and for church-goers especially, it's really sad that rule changed somehow.

Transitioning now to a personal story: The last wedding in my church was for 2 people who thought they were very proper, but the girls in Etiquette on theknot would have eaten them alive. The most relevant issue is I got an oral ceremony-only invitation, when other members of the church got printed ceremony+reception invitations. I knew it was an etiquette breach, and it resulted in awkward moments later when people at church asked me why I attended the ceremony but not the reception. ["I wasn't invited to the reception."] But I attended the ceremony with a big smile and happy heart.

And a personal vent: I planned my whole wedding for my church family, before we even got engaged (all the church stuff). Then the Priest implied I was inviting everyone just for the gifts, and they all think it's not at the church and they're not invited. Don't they know I love them? *sad face* [I'm getting passed it and looking forward to all the happiness when they realize they are invited.]

agape1cor813 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_congregation-blues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:5d135135-728c-43d3-bc51-f470090f47e2Post:0ab30793-e72d-4a68-a19a-80d50e3c5354">Re: Congregation Blues</a>:
[QUOTE]The "ceremony only" isn't normal in Wisconsin that I've ever heard of, but it sure would be nice in this case.
Posted by TangledMelody[/QUOTE]

<div>I just noticed that your avatar thing says you are in Milwaukee ... I am too. Because you said you go to a pretty big church, I'm wondering if we go to the same church because I go to one of the major churches in suburban Milwaukee.</div>

Congregation Blues

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