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Wedding Etiquette Forum
He wants the ex-wife to attend...
And, I wasn't thinking when I knee-jerked when he asked and said that was fine with me.
Big whoops on my part.
However, as the days have ticked by, I've gotten more and more uncomfortable with this idea.
His reason for wanting her to attend is because their son is going to be his best man (his son lives with us, his ex-wife only takes him every other weekend and occasional holidays).
He'll waffle on if they're friends or not.
In their past, they had a JP and then an 'official' wedding, so in essence, they got married twice.
I've never been married, so this is my first.
I don't like her, I don't talk to her, but she calls my FI quite a bit, and not just to discuss their son, which I've pointed out to him isn't exactly appropriate when she's coming to my FI for advice instead of asking her new husband for advice.
And, I thought about doing the "courtesy" invite if I was -positive- she'd do the 'right' thing and decline. But, I just don't trust her to have the good sense to do that.
My FI's elderly grandmother's coming, and she's not overly fond of his ex either.
My parents are paying for the bulk of the reception, and our guest list is getting, not dangerously close, but inching towards the top end without them on the list.
However, I've already said it was okay if she came.
How big of a wench do I sound if I tell him:
I've been thinking about this for the past few weeks, and the more I think about it, the more uncomfortable I am with the idea of your ex-wife at -our- wedding. She already got to marry you twice. I only get to marry you once, and I would rather be surrounded by -our- friends and loved ones and not deal with the discomfort of her being there.
Maybe I'm just over-thinking it.
Any advice?
Smile, grin and bear it if she shows up? Or tell him now (before our Save the Date cards go out)?
Big whoops on my part.
However, as the days have ticked by, I've gotten more and more uncomfortable with this idea.
His reason for wanting her to attend is because their son is going to be his best man (his son lives with us, his ex-wife only takes him every other weekend and occasional holidays).
He'll waffle on if they're friends or not.
In their past, they had a JP and then an 'official' wedding, so in essence, they got married twice.
I've never been married, so this is my first.
I don't like her, I don't talk to her, but she calls my FI quite a bit, and not just to discuss their son, which I've pointed out to him isn't exactly appropriate when she's coming to my FI for advice instead of asking her new husband for advice.
And, I thought about doing the "courtesy" invite if I was -positive- she'd do the 'right' thing and decline. But, I just don't trust her to have the good sense to do that.
My FI's elderly grandmother's coming, and she's not overly fond of his ex either.
My parents are paying for the bulk of the reception, and our guest list is getting, not dangerously close, but inching towards the top end without them on the list.
However, I've already said it was okay if she came.
How big of a wench do I sound if I tell him:
I've been thinking about this for the past few weeks, and the more I think about it, the more uncomfortable I am with the idea of your ex-wife at -our- wedding. She already got to marry you twice. I only get to marry you once, and I would rather be surrounded by -our- friends and loved ones and not deal with the discomfort of her being there.
Maybe I'm just over-thinking it.
Any advice?
Smile, grin and bear it if she shows up? Or tell him now (before our Save the Date cards go out)?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: He wants the ex-wife to attend...
my FI told me how uncomfortable he is w/ one of my best friends, a man who I have also dated, and as hard as it was to do, I told the friend he wasn't invited.
You sound calm and reasonable, I would just explain that you dont' want to look out on the crowd and see anyone with any uncomfortable romantic past -- for either one of you. If he son is adult enough to be his best man, he doesn't need his mother there.
'Next time, just fart.' - BriSox81
[QUOTE]Wait, have invitations been sent out?
Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]
<div>Very bottom, she said '<span style="background-color:#ffffff;font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;"> </span><span style="background-color:#ffffff;font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;">Or tell him now (before our Save the Date cards go out)? '. So not yet, I don't think!</span></div>
'Next time, just fart.' - BriSox81
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: He wants the ex-wife to attend... : ??? What is odd is assuming that one must be legally able to vote and go to war in order to stand next to the groom at a wedding.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
<div>I thought it was a requirement for a kicking bachelor party?</div><div>
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</div><div>(Sarcasm font)</div>
[QUOTE]And, I wasn't thinking when I knee-jerked when he asked and said that was fine with me. Big whoops on my part. However, as the days have ticked by, I've gotten more and more uncomfortable with this idea. His reason for wanting her to attend is because their son is going to be his best man (his son lives with us, his ex-wife only takes him every other weekend and occasional holidays). He'll waffle on if they're friends or not. In their past, they had a JP and then an 'official' wedding, so in essence, they got married twice. I've never been married, so this is my first. I don't like her, I don't talk to her, but she calls my FI quite a bit, and not just to discuss their son, which I've pointed out to him isn't exactly appropriate when she's coming to my FI for advice instead of asking her new husband for advice. And, I thought about doing the "courtesy" invite if I was -positive- she'd do the 'right' thing and decline. But, I just don't trust her to have the good sense to do that. My FI's elderly grandmother's coming, and she's not overly fond of his ex either. My parents are paying for the bulk of the reception, and our guest list is getting, not dangerously close, but inching towards the top end without them on the list. However, I've already said it was okay if she came. How big of a wench do I sound if I tell him: I've been thinking about this for the past few weeks, and the more I think about it, the more uncomfortable I am with the idea of your ex-wife at -our- wedding. She already got to marry you twice. I only get to marry you once, and I would rather be surrounded by -our- friends and loved ones and not deal with the discomfort of her being there. Maybe I'm just over-thinking it. Any advice? Smile, grin and bear it if she shows up? Or tell him now (before our Save the Date cards go out)?
Posted by shaylagirl[/QUOTE]
(JIC)
If you marry a man with a child, you must be willing to be a supportive stepmother to that child. This also means accepting his/her mother and allowing your husband to co-parent with his ex without being you being jealous or meddling.
That being said, I think it's a no-brainer that ex-spouses don't belong at the weddings of their ex-spouse.
Explain to your FI exactly why it makes you uncomfortable. If he doesn't understand, then this isn't the man you want to marry.
@Calypso1977 - His son is 10 almost 11. He's having him as best man because his son's been there for him, etc. Which I understand. My own son is going to walk me down the aisle along with my father. He also has his best friend also standing with him like a "back up" best man to do all the adult functions his son cannot.
@GoodLuckBear14 - We will through his church. My issues with his ex-wife are in regards to her parenting 'skills', and that she seems to lack common sense boundaries. I have no issues discussing this with him, I just wanted to make sure I didn't seem like I was being a total wench for saying "Yes...no wait...no."
@lyndausvi - I think he verbally mentioned it to her. I figure his back out can be the growing size of the guest list, which isn't false. And yeah, I'll drop the mention of their weddings.
@TXKristan - No, no invites have been sent yet. Nothing's been sent out, just verbally discussed. I assume he's discussed it with her as he provided me with her mailing address.
@StageManager14 - I don't mind them being friends, except he's told me a few times that once their son is of legal age, he'll be glad because he won't have to associate with her any longer. What I find inappropriate is her coming to her ex-husband for advice about things not pertaining to their son (as a quick example, about a traffic ticket she received), rather than discussing those things with her current husband. I honestly don't mind they're friends, though he intimates with me that she's not someone he would hang out with if they didn't have their son in common. She's certainly not someone I'm friends with, but that's mostly because of how she acted (thus why they're divorced), and how she promises their son things then breaks promises. I have personal issues with that, but I keep them to myself. That's my issue with her. I've met her once. She's not someone I have anything in common with.
[QUOTE]@kmbryant2413 - I did. Once I mentioned how inappropriate it was, he realized it, and has taken to telling her that perhaps such things should be discussed with her husband, and not him. I love him, but sometimes he's a little dense. @Calypso1977 - His son is 10 almost 11. He's having him as best man because his son's been there for him, etc. Which I understand. My own son is going to walk me down the aisle along with my father. He also has his best friend also standing with him like a "back up" best man to do all the adult functions his son cannot. @GoodLuckBear14 - We will through his church. <strong> My issues with his ex-wife are in regards to her parenting 'skills',</strong> and that she seems to lack common sense boundaries. I have no issues discussing this with him, I just wanted to make sure I didn't seem like I was being a total wench for saying "Yes...no wait...no." @lyndausvi - I think he verbally mentioned it to her. I figure his back out can be the growing size of the guest list, which isn't false. And yeah, I'll drop the mention of their weddings. :) @TXKristan - No, no invites have been sent yet. Nothing's been sent out, just verbally discussed. I assume he's discussed it with her as he provided me with her mailing address. @StageManager14 - I don't mind them being friends, except he's told me a few times that once their son is of legal age, he'll be glad because he won't have to associate with her any longer. What I find inappropriate is her coming to her ex-husband for advice about things not pertaining to their son (as a quick example, about a traffic ticket she received), rather than discussing those things with her current husband. <strong> I honestly don't mind they're friends</strong>, though he intimates with me that she's not someone he would hang out with if they didn't have their son in common. She's certainly not someone I'm friends with, but that's mostly because of how she acted (thus why they're divorced), and how <strong>she promises their son things then breaks promises</strong>. I have personal issues with that, but I keep them to myself. That's my issue with her. I've met her once. She's not someone I have anything in common with.
Posted by shaylagirl[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>First bold: How she raises the child, you have zero control over as long as she is keeping him fed, clothed, bathed, and sent to and from school/whatever.</div><div>
</div><div>Second bold: From the things that's you've said, it seems very much like you do mind. I'm not accusing you of being jealous or petty or any of that, just don't lie to yourself. I would be upset if my FI was in pretty consistent conversations with an ex, even if they had a child. I put my foot down in my relationship long ago that that type of conversation just does. not. need to happen. </div><div>
</div><div>Third bold: You have a lot of issues with this lady, and it is affecting your relationship with your FI. I am not a psychologist (I have 4 years left before I am), but I can tell you right now that you need to cool it on even sending out your STD's and focus on healing yourself and moving forward with your FI, and that includes setting more strict boundaries on how often he talks to ex. </div><div>
</div><div>I hope this didn't come off as rude, but you've got some work to do.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: Thank you kindly for addressing everyones questions with your story, and being objective and positive. It is refreshing!</div><div>
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'Next time, just fart.' - BriSox81
[QUOTE]I think this is a big issue and you don't need to be getting married until it's resolved. <strong>There is nothing "wrong" or "inappropriate" with him having a platonic relationship with the mother of his child.</strong> However, if it bothers you this much, you guys obviously have different ideas about how men and women should relate to one another. It is not fair for you to dictate who he can and cannot be friends with. You also sound like you have major jealousy issues. Get some premarital counseling, then revisit this issue once the deeper problems are dealt with.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
<div>This. I believe it's been proven it benefits the child when parent still remain friends? Considering all the posts we get from parents using the kids as a pawn, can't be in the same room together, etc. It's actually refreshing to hear of a divorced parents getting along.</div><div>
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</div><div>I agree with Stage that counseling would be a good idea. I don't know if there is a back story, but I just gather you don't like her simply because she was married to him (twice in your eyes). I don't think you have to be BFF's with her. Nor do I think you <em>have</em> to invite her to the wedding. But there seems to be deeper issues here then need to be resolved.</div><div>
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@winelover123 - We don't have the STD cards yet, they're on order. I figured before I send any of it out, I want to talk with him about taking back my yes. However, I'm also of the mindset that the wedding is just as much his day as it is mine. That said, I'm not inviting any of my ex's because I don't want him to be uncomfortable, and I never broached the topic (though I'm friendly with my ex's). So, if he really wanted her there for -him-, that would be different. The sole reason he told me he wants her there is because of their son. I'm guessing because he'll be dressed in a tux. I don't honestly know. But, I figure since I'll be broaching the whole "I know I said yes...but..." conversation, I'll dig deeper into if there's another reason he wants her there that he hasn't communicated with me yet. Which is possible. In which case, I'm totally willing to rethink my stance. It's just right now, I'm uncomfortable with it.
'Next time, just fart.' - BriSox81
As for the rest, I agree that it isn't wrong for your fiance to have an amiable relationship with his son's mother. If this relationship is making you uncomfortable I think it is definitely something you guys should talk about and pre-marriage counseling is never a bad idea (no matter how great your relationship is).
I also think that this woman is going to be in your life for a long time and depending on the age of your fiance's son you will likely be expected to deal with eachother politely at events for him (birthdays, school events. his wedding etc) in the future. While I don't think you have to invite the ex-wife to your wedding if it is important to your fiance and makes it easier to be sure that someone is watching his son (again depending on his age) then I can also see how it would make sense to invite her. I think you should talk about it and reach a decision together instead of dictating that he can't invite her or just keeping your feelings in and letting it stand without saying anything.
[QUOTE] I think it's a no-brainer that ex-spouses don't belong at the weddings of their ex-spouse.
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]
<div>Not true at all. Plenty of people, myself included, have great friendships with their ex-spouse. He and I hang out alone. He and FI hang out alone. We all hang out together. I know not everyone is that lucky but many many are. EX will be at our wedding. His schedule was one that we were willing to pick our date around.</div><div> </div><div>If your husband isn't being inappropriate with his friendship with his ex, I think you need to deal with YOUR jealousy issues. And talk to him to get on the same page!!</div>
[QUOTE]@itzMS - I totally support their co-parenting. I'm not jealous of that relationship. I don't think it's appropriate his ex runs to him for advice instead of her current spouse. That seems wrong. I mentioned it to him, he did something about it when he registered how weird it was himself. They do talk about things outside of their son, which is fine with me, he's just more careful about what he shares with her. I suspect he'll understand, I'm just making sure I'm not totally out of bounds by retracting my yes and changing it to a no. @winelover123 - We don't have the STD cards yet, they're on order. I figured before I send any of it out, I want to talk with him about taking back my yes. However, I'm also of the mindset that the wedding is just as much his day as it is mine. That said, I'm not inviting any of my ex's because I don't want him to be uncomfortable, and I never broached the topic (though I'm friendly with my ex's). So, if he really wanted her there for -him-, that would be different. The sole reason he told me he wants her there is because of their son. I'm guessing because he'll be dressed in a tux. I don't honestly know. But, I figure since I'll be broaching the whole "I know I said yes...but..." conversation, I'll dig deeper into if there's another reason he wants her there that he hasn't communicated with me yet. Which is possible. In which case, I'm totally willing to rethink my stance. It's just right now, I'm uncomfortable with it.
Posted by shaylagirl[/QUOTE]
I can understand being uncomfortable with an ex there. I think this is just something you really need to sit down and talk out with your FI - see if there's another reason why he wants her there. Chances are if you two do decide to invite the ex, you won't interact with her much. I don't imagine that she'll be in family pictures or anything where you'll have to spend a decent amount of time with her and you can sit her away from your table during the meal. But definitely talk to your FI - I don't think this is something that an online forum can really help with. GL!
Second: I'm trying hard to find the line where I feel okay, but I don't feel like I'm crushing his own friendships/relationships. That's where my shakey line comes in to place; healthy boundaries for everyone. I'll be the first to admit, I don't mind his other female friends that he talks in depth with about stuff (which includes, if he feels the need to ask for relationship advice), just something about him talking to her about our personal lives sets my teeth on edge. He's gotten better, but sometimes I know some of it slips through his filter. He's trying though, so I usually try to just gently point it out later I didn't think "x" was an appropriate topic.
And nah, none of this is taken rudely.
@lyndausvi - I totally agree. My own son's been without his father for almost 14 years now, and I know it hurts him. So, I'm totally okay with them being involved together. Their son should come first between them.
Moreso my issue with her is that she'll promise something to their son, and fall through. Or, if she's running late, she puts the responsibility on my FI to fix things (if she's had him for the weekend, and she's running late to get him to school so she's not late to work, she has my FI meet her to take him to school). I was always raised "A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine." The flip side is the kiddo shouldn't be punished by being late to school because mom never accounts for traffic. But then the other side of the coin is she knows my FI will always 'save' her because their son's involved.
And honestly, I don't like her because she cheated on him. A lot. I know, that's judgemental of me, but I don't like being around people like that, which is why she wouldn't be someone I'd be friends with. And because of her actions, he can be wary of my actions. I joke with him sometimes that I pay the price of her mistakes. He, again, is working on it, but I know sometimes it's still there in the back of his mind.
@StageManager14 - Honestly, I cut down a BUNCH of contact with a few friends he expressed discomfort with. I started to limit the amount of time we talked as well as what we talked about. He wasn't happy, so it made me unhappy. I'm not here to make him uncomfortable, and we both try our best to make one another happy. We're not perfect. We both make mistakes, but we do our best to learn from them.
And I don't doubt he's not quite sure how to define their relationship. It's something we have broached a few times when I've felt he said more than he should have. I give him props for trying, at least, to make positive changes. And I know he'll make mistakes. I do too sometimes. I'm not telling him to cut her out of his life (he couldn't anyways).
Mostly what I'm asking is if, for one day, it'd be okay for me to be a selfish and say "Hey, is it okay if we perhaps -don't- invite your ex?"
@STARMOON44 - To be honest, I don't know if either one of us has ever paused to ask him what he thinks. He's fairly laid back, but that's an interesting point. Thank you!
'Next time, just fart.' - BriSox81
@Kate61487 - We're going to talk about it this evening. I'm not worried over much about the talk itself, but I just didn't want to come across as this total DBag for going back on my word. And, maybe I am for doing this. I'm okay with that I suppose. I just know I need to at least say something to him about it. And, depending on what he says, we'll go from there.
Thanks a million everyone for not tearing me up.
So you've entered the relationship knowing this and accepting this. I'm curious to know how long you've been with your FI and living with him and dealing with his ex and how recently you've realized some thing were uncomfortable for you?
I say this because sometimes it takes a while to understand your position on a topic. In my marriage, I lived with my ex for 3 years before marriage and he was always the same way as I met him (very selfish and lazy) and I accepted it, but it took me over 4 years of our relationship together (after we finally married) to realize and be able to articulate how unhappy I was and that I didn't want to continue in that path.
I think this is the time to sit down with yourself and think about the fact that his ex will be most prominently in your life for the next 5 or 6 years, understand the positive relationship he has to have with her as a coparent, and understand the benefit of him having a friendship with her... and decide what things you realize you're going to have to accept on a deeper level and what is unacceptable to you beyond that...and bring it up to FI.