Sticky Situation/Any Suggestions-Interfaith Ceremonies

Re: Sticky Situation/Any Suggestions-Interfaith Ceremonies

• trix1223 member

  

  September 2010

  The wedding is about you and your FI.  If you're old enough to get married, you're both old enough to tell his parents that while you respect their feelings, you've come to a decision together, and you hope they'll at least respect your decision if they can't completely support it.
  
  What does your FI say to them when they make such comments?  He really needs to suck it up and stick up for you and your decisions to his parents.
  
  I fear that if you don't make a stand now, it's only going to get worse if children are in your future.  You two need to decide NOW the role that religion is going to play in your lives.
  
  Will you look for a church after marriage that you both can attend together?  Will you each be going to a church in your own faith?  If there are children:  Will they be baptized?  Into which faith?  Will they attend CCD or Sunday School?  How will you celebrate religious holidays?
  
  These are all questions that need to be addressed now, and then you, together, present a united front to his parents.  GL
  

  "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  September 2010 edited September 2010

  I definitely agree with Trix.
  
  Are either of you religious in the first place? If not, getting married in a church is kind of hypocritical IMO. For my husband and I, the things that Trix outlined were all discussed before we got married. If you do any pre-marital counseling, these topics will likely come up as well, but it is up to the two of you to decide how you will work them out.
  
  A lot of people don't think those things play a part, but they most definitely do. My husband and I are both Catholic, and it is important for us to raise our children in the faith. My father never converted before him and mom were married, and while we went to church at times, faith was never a big part of our lives. It is now for both H and I and will continue to be that way.

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• AndrianaTimothy

  

  September 2010

  ok well heres my story .. my mother (by heritage) is Jewish and my father is catholic (a big itln fam also).  when i was born i was baptised and named in the synagogue.  my parents did not convert for one another.  they were both non practicing so what was the sense.  and they wanted me to choose what i wanted to be when i grew up.  The neighborhood i grew up in influenced me in becoming catholic.  so i made my sacraments and that was that. 
  
  my husband is catholic BUT at our first wedding in honor of our family we had a catholic prayer said, the breaking of the glass for the Jewish side and tied our hands and the four corners for the pagans .. alot of religions in my fam. 
  
  that being said i dont think you or your fiance need to covert until you have kids and want to make a decision about that BUT even then if you dont want to converted you dont have to one faith is not better than another!

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• bibliophile2010 member

  

  September 2010

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_sticky-situationany-suggestions-interfaith-ceremonies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:ead6d3b4-ce5b-42e7-93bc-5e7a7c6f590dPost:bab42310-0bc9-46fc-b07a-2097eb2088e5">Re: Sticky Situation/Any Suggestions-Interfaith Ceremonies</a>:
  [QUOTE] that being said i dont think you or your fiance need to covert until you have kids and want to make a decision about that BUT even then if you dont want to converted you dont have to one faith is not better than another! =)
  Posted by AndrianaTimothy[/QUOTE]
  
  Although I agree that no one needs to convert right now, I disagree with the idea that no decisions need to be made regarding future children right now.  It can become a huge, huge issue down the road. I agree with MissySue that it is likely to come up in pre-marital counseling, assuming you have to do some kind of it. It also matters a lot to me that I am able to raise my kids in my faith (thankfully, FI shares that faith, so it is not an issue). I do think you need to talk about this now, and come, at the very least, to a mutual understanding of what each of your religious expectations are for your marriage, including future children (not just your wedding).
  
  OP -- it sounds like you and your FI have done a good job of compromising thus far in your planning. I think you need to be honest with FI's parents. The wedding you describe (with both faiths participating) should be valid and sacramental in the eyes of the Catholic Church, which is what I imagine matters most to them. Make sure they know that. Let them know that you are not asking your son to abandon his faith. Be strong and old enought

  

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• amatadei member

  

  September 2010

  I just posted this on another thread but it fit here, so....
  
  As someone in similar circumstances, I feel your pain (FI's mom is Catholic, as in, doesn't really take her faith that seriously until someone else doesn't, FFIL converted from some Protestant denomination for their wedding; my parents and I are all highly spiritual Methodists-- i.e. we are Christian in the sense of believing in Jesus as God's only Son and the rest is just fluff so whatever). We are getting married at my parents' church, which I consider my home church, by the pastor who is a mentor to me and a family friend to my entire extended family.
  
  Now, this has caused some ruffled feathers b/c, as I said, while FMIL doesn't really take her faith (notice, I didn't say religion) that seriously, she suddenly does when someone else doesn't take her religion that seriously. So, we have had many awkward, passive-aggressive conversations with her about dispensations so that FI can receive the sacraments/be recognized as married, etc etc etc.
  
  At the end of the day, both you and yoru FI and me and mine have got to sit down as a couple and find a spiritual identity all our own. Religion is not a topic that will go away-- if you start popping out babies, you'll be doing the whole song and dance all over again with the Catholics in your family. And that's not saying anything about what you and FI will say to your kids about what you believe. So, don't put this aside as just an issue of what kind of seat your guests will park themselves for your ceremony-- this goes far beyond just one day. The two of you need to find a spiritual identity as a couple and then present a united front to any and everyone who has a problem with it.
  
  Let me just say that it doesn't make the problems go away-- he and I have decided to become members of a Protestant church and that's chaffing at his mom, but she at least respects that I didn't convert him (well, ok maybe she thinks that I did, but she's shutting up about it) and that he and I chose to worship God in way xyz as a couple.
  
  As for your ceremony, if you feel comfortable doing it, incorporate elements of each religion to appease all sides. For instance, I may have a friend of mine sing an Ave Maria, but there is no way I'll be dedicating a bouquet of flowers to the "Blessed Virgin" statue. I found an element of the Mass with which I can live and will consider having it as part of the ceremony. Also, I was born Jewish (exect same situation as above... Mom was Jewish, Dad Catholic, they raised me to know both religions... incidentally, I chose angry atheist teenager and then had a, for lack of a better term, "born again" experience and became a non-denominational Christian), so we are looking into finding elements of the Jewish ceremony to have at our's. However, like the example of the flowers for Mary, we will not be doing anything with which we do not agree just for the sake of appeasing someone.

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