Unwanted Bridal Shower

a-bride-to-be! · August 2010

So here's the thing. After getting engaged back in November and telling the parents, I told my parents that I did not, not, NOT want a bridal shower and I've told my MOH that if she was planning on throwing a bridal shower that to forget about it because I didn't want one. I was very adamant about this.

Well, while in the process of painting our new place, I guess the paint fumes got to my FI and he let slip accidentally that my mom was planning something on September 11 and he mentioned tea with my mom, my aunt, and his mom (I shudder at that scenario) and he also used "bridal shower" along with it.

If it is indeed a surprise bridal party, I will lose my mind. I told her I did not want a bridal shower and for her to allegedly go behind my back and do her own thing is just mind-boggling. Although I shouldn't be surprised, she's been going behind my back on so many things WR. But this is the one thing that I was so adamant about that I figured I actually got through to her on this. So, after finding out about this, I went and scheduled myself for a 12 hour shift on that day so that I wouldn't have to deal with it.

Obviously I can't let on to my mom that I know about whatever it is she's planning because it was supposed to be a surprise but at the same time, I really want to go off on her for not listening to me AND to tell her that the combination of her, my aunt and his mom is NOT A GOOD IDEA (when the parents met for the first time back in June, there was a lot of fighting and "disapproval" and his mom shoving her finger into my mom's face a lot).

EDIT: I should rephrase my question. Should I tell my mom that I know and how this is going to be a horrible idea now or just let it go and drop it on her when she starts hinting at how I should be availble that day?

Manwaithiel · August 2010

You've already done something about it. You're working and the tea will just be between them. If they hate each other that much, maybe they'll even give up on the idea.

lilianne22 · August 2010

Sounds like you already did something about it, by scheduling yourself to work that day. I will say however even though you did not want a "bridal shower" this could just be a tea with your mom, aunt and FMIL and I think you are over reacting just a bit. If your mom does bring it up and you really don't want her to reschedule the tea for a day you aren't working, reiterate your point (nicely) that while you appreciate the thought, you don't want a shower.

Angrytomato · August 2010

If you go stomping to your mom and go "I SAID I DIDN'T WANT A SHOWER" and turns out to be just tea, you'll look like a brat.

P.S. why don't you want a shower? just wondering. it's free stuff and free food and free wine (depending on who is throwing it)

raashton · August 2010

Though he said bridal shower, it is a little sad that you are willing to ditch your family. It could simply be a tea, as a way for your mother to demonstrate that she and FMIL have burried the hatchet and want to start clean with each other for your sake and peace of mind.

catemeg · August 2010

I think you're definitely overreacting without very much information. If they didn't get along so well the first time, I'd say it was probably a good sign that they were trying to be civil. Maybe your Mom thought you didn't want a shower, so she'd have a much smaller thing with his Mom and Aunt and just have tea? Maybe this is her being thoughtful?

I'd try to give her the benefit of the doubt, and I think scheduling yourself to work is rather childish and passive aggressive. It would be one thing if you were already scheduled to work for a surprise party because you couldn't control that. I understand you don't want a shower, and I totally get that if your Mom did throw you a shower you'd be mad, but I'd hope you'd at least be gracious in the meantime and not make it uncomfortable for everyone involved by throwing a selfish tantrum about how you didn't want a shower in the first place and so you won't play nice.

Get over yourself and realize that a wedding and a shower are about more than just what the bride wants - it's about two families sharing in the joy of their children. Have you ever thought that maybe it's about what your Mom and FMIL want, too? This doesn't seem like something to make such a big deal about! And if they're trying to get along, you should probably support their efforts rather than sabotage it!

a-bride-to-be! · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_unwanted-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:e74bf7f5-0862-4fdb-ac94-dc61d837b04ePost:2d4e9382-de5a-4b07-a67b-5aac8b60f0dc">Re: Unwanted Bridal Shower</a>:
[QUOTE]I P.S. why don't you want a shower? just wondering. it's free stuff and free food and free wine (depending on who is throwing it)
Posted by Angrytomato[/QUOTE]

I dont want a shower because I've been to a couple and it was the most boring experience I've ever had the "pleasure" of being a part of. I don't like to be center of attention and I don't feel like making small chit-chat with those that I barely know. I can do that at the wedding. As well, I'm just way too busy to drop everything and attend something that's not well-advised. I consider this a punishment, not a celebration.

My mom is planning this all and inviting the FMIL at the last minute. I do. not. like. my FMIL. She is just a PITA and I want to severely limit my time with her. If she were to show up, throw my aunt in the mix and it's going to be a complete disaster. FI and I predicted disaster when our parents met and it came true. I do not want to be subject to it again. I have a million uses for my time and sitting there listening to a few women bicker at each other is not one of them. Even if it's just tea.

As for me being selfish, what nasty words are you willing to call my mom for backstabbing me and not listening to me (again)? I have to be grateful that she's planning something despite my repeated wishes to not have this? If I do go to this thing and I see it's a bridal shower, I will turn around, walk out and tell the guests the reason why and it will make my mom look really bad, which I don't want to do. Hence why I scheduled myself to work.

"Get over yourself and realize that a wedding and a shower are about more than just what the bride wants - it's about two families sharing in the joy of their children. Have you ever thought that maybe it's about what your Mom and FMIL want, too?"

I think, with this entire wedding being the complete opposite of what I wanted, I believe I should have the right to want SOMETHING. My mom got everything she wanted, my FMIL wishes I never met her son so for once I'm doing something that I want. They're getting what they wanted and I haven't so this is one that that I'm going to have. So excuse me for being a teensy bit selfish about this one thing.

catemeg · August 2010

Does your FI want to spend future holidays with his mother, or is he interested in completely shutting her out of his life once you're married? I get that you don't want to spend more time with her than necessary, but you do realize she'll be part of your family when you get married. And if you have kids, expect her to want to be around quite a bit.

If you are paying for your own wedding, then you shouldn't have to compromise that. If your wedding has turned out to be something you don't want because someone else is paying, you always have the right to elope or do whatever you want within your own budget. But it really has very little impact on how you're reacting here and whether or not your little temper tantrum would be justified. Do you have a right to request not to have a shower? Absolutely. Do you have a right to be mad at your mother if she throws you a shower against your will? Absolutely. But as a grown adult, you should be able to realize that sometimes you don't always get your way, and if you walked out of a shower it wouldn't just embarass your mother - it would make you look like a raging biitch (and likely qualify you to be on the TV show "Bridezillas"). A much more mature response would be to suck it up, deal with the shower even though it's not your favorite thing, and have a stern conversation with your mother after (with maybe even a little yelling about not respecting your wishes). And to be kind and polite to your FMIL - you don't have to like the lady, but you DO have to be pleasant.

We don't know if your mother planned a shower - you didn't tell her not to host a tea, did you? Maybe it's not a shower. And if she went behind your back to organize something you didn't want, she's inconsiderate and selfish. Are those the names you wanted me to call her? But we don't KNOW what she did yet, but you planning to throw a temper tantrum is really a very elegant response.

Whippet8 · August 2010

In response to your original question:
I wouldn't say anything until your mother starts hinting about being available that day. however, if she does start hinting, just try to be respectful and calm with whatever it is that you say.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_unwanted-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:e74bf7f5-0862-4fdb-ac94-dc61d837b04ePost:8946cce3-1106-4c89-b69c-bbec5161e43e">Re: Unwanted Bridal Shower</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Unwanted Bridal Shower : If I do go to this thing and I see it's a bridal shower, I will turn around, walk out and tell the guests the reason why and it will make my mom look really bad, which I don't want to do.
Posted by a-bride-to-be![/QUOTE]

honestly, I don't see how doing this would do anything but make you look horrible and selfish. Guests probably wouldn't understand how your mother throwing you a shower could warrant that type of behavior. The guests would actually probably see it as disrespectful to them. They would be taking time out of their day, buy you a present, and then you would walk out on them? If a bride did that, and I was a guest, I wouldn't go to the wedding.

I understand that you told your mother that you do not want a shower. however, is this all by any chance new information to you? it seems like this might be really fresh, and you probably need some time to calm down a bit. the vibe I am getting from your posts is that you are borderline foaming at the mouth/smoke coming out of your ears mad. I guess I just don't see how something like a shower can get someone that angry. I also think showers are boring, and I don't like being the center of attention, but it was important to my mother and aunt to throw me something.

Finally, if you and your FI have not yet talked about the role your FMIL will play in your lives after you are married, I think that is a convo you need to have asap.

Take a breath. This is not life or death.

Whippet8 · August 2010

ps...ditto pp about the fact that you dont even know if this is a shower.

krispylove · August 2010

I think you are overreacting. They are probably trying to respect your wishes about not wanting to have an all-out shower, so they thought tea with 3 other important people in your life would be a different way to celebrate your upcoming wedding. Also, you mentioned that you don't want to "chit-chat with people you barely know" at your shower. Why don't you know your own family? If there is that level of dysfunction and disconnect in your family, maybe a big wedding isn't the best idea either. Just a thought.

a-bride-to-be! · August 2010

Thanks to all who say I'm overreacting. I had a while to think and stew about this and I admit, my "ingenious" plan does seem very bitchy. While I'm grateful to my mom about the planning of this wedding, I'm just hating the fact that I keep telling her what I don't want and then she turns around and does it anyway and then yells at me when I object. I really thought that I did get through to her about this and I really, really, REALLY think that throwing my mom, his mom and my aunt together before the wedding is a baaaaaaaaaad idea. I prefer that my aunt and his mom meet on the wedding day. I keep joking that we should have a corner roped off with a wading pool and jello for the ensuing fight we're sure is going to happen.

About the FMIL situation, FI doesn't like his mom either. He avoids her at all costs so I have no issue spending a couple holidays with her (as long as her husband is there to tell her to STFU). She's done things that have hurt him and purposely done things in order to damage our relationship. We don't need that kind of toxicity in our lives, especially when we're the rare few (these days) who are moving in so close to our wedding, so we have no time or patience for her games.

Kristin789 · August 2010

I think you should find out first if what FI heard is what is really planned. It's highly unlikely that your mom is planning a party for 9/11, which is considered to be a national day of mourning and even if she IS planning a party for 9/11, no one would go to such a party...

quotequeen · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_unwanted-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:e74bf7f5-0862-4fdb-ac94-dc61d837b04ePost:0aeb3837-41a4-4e22-9f6e-f7af262772bd">Re: Unwanted Bridal Shower</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you should find out first if what FI heard is what is really planned. It's highly unlikely that your mom is planning a party for 9/11, which is considered to be a national day of mourning and even if she IS planning a party for 9/11, no one would go to such a party...
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Why do you insist on constantly saying preposterous things? You realize there are people on this board who are having their <em>weddings</em> on 9/11???

OP, you are really being exceptionally dramatic about this. I'm glad to see you seem to have calmed down a bit.

Angrytomato · August 2010

I guess if you don't really want to be around your family or don't want them around each other then no, prob shouldn't have a shower.

I still say don't approach her just to bitch her out. If she happens to ask you "say what are you doing next saturday?" just tell her you have to work a double shift. Don't go full out drama on her. With a family like yours, someone has to stay calm

jmucheech21 · August 2010

hahahaha, I have to agree with quotequeen.. that is pretty ridiculous! I mean, yes, it is a day to remember, but, really do you think people won't leave their house on that day??? I am actually attending a wedding on 9/11 and I feel pretty ok about it.

MairePoppy · August 2010

I understand your frustration, but you need to calm down a bit. Don't go by what your fi said. I can't tell you how many times the men in my life (husband, sons, father) have misunderstood these kinds of things.

Call your mom and get this thing cleared up. If she is planning a shower, it would be rude for you to snub your guests by not showing up, or walking out on them. YOU, not your mom, would look bad. Your guests are taking time out of their lives to celebrate and shower you with gifts, so be respectful. At least, give your mom notice so that she may cancel whatever she has planned.

kjreed · August 2010

Do something interesting instead of "mindless chit chat".... maybe something to take out your aggression towards the whole situation tell them you want to go play paint ball in place of a traditional bridal shower, no time for bickering women in paint ball!! Pick an activity that is interesting to you instead of tea you may have fun if you are interested in it!!

catemeg · August 2010

Thank you for coming back, and thank you for considering our opinions as just that - suggestions rather than personal attacks. We can only go by what you tell us, and you definitely sounded like you were overreacting. It now sounds like you've had time to think about things and look at it a bit more logically.

It stinks your FMIL is difficult, but it's a good thing that you and your FI both would prefer to limit time with her. It makes it a lot worse if he's a 'momma's boy' and you can't stand 'momma'. Just put on your nicest smile when you're near her, and remember that it's easier to just be pleasant in the short term to keep peace.

Your aunt and FMIL probably won't have much time to get into it at your wedding, and likely won't be exposed to each other much after that (except perhaps future baby showers and such). There's not much you can do but trust they'll act like civil adults - if they don't, they'll only embarrass themselves.

Talk to your Mom again - try to be kind but firm. Remind your FI about how you feel, and that if he hears of anything in the works, he should be sure to let them know it's a bad idea and you won't be happy. If something does happen and it's a surprise, be pleasant to the people there but feel free to rip your mother a new one after in private for disregarding your resquests.

deb84 · August 2010

My FI's birthday is on 9/11, we celebrate every year with a party or at least go out. Just because something horrible happened on that day, years after he was born, doesn't mean he doesn't get to have a birthday. I understand it is a day of rememberance but I would have no problem attending a party of any sort on that day. I can see how this might be different in other parts of the country or in a family that was directly effected. Then it would be in bad taste to plan a shower/party for that day.

To OP: I agree that you should wait and see what Mom has planned or casually bring up that you heard she was planning something for that day and see what she has to say. DO NOT walk out on a shower no matter how much you don't want it. Suck it up, play along and then talk to your Mom about it after the fact.

Hope things go your way!

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