Bridesmaids refuse to show up to family thrown shower?

shutupanddance07 · January 2011

My Future Husband's side of the family has a few elderly guest and people who aren't comfortable with long travel. My mother and half of my bridesmaids live in a different town about an hour from where his family resides. His sister and mother threw us a surprise co ed shower yesterday. I have six bridesmaids, three sisters and my three closest friends. My three friends show up. When I said how disappointed I was that they weren't there, my mom said that two of them said "a co-ed shower? That's stupid, I'm not coming to that!" The other one told my mom one story and me another about what she was up to. I'm really hurt, Firstly because they were so rude to my family, and second because they're my BRIDESMAIDS and I haven't asked them to do ANYTHING to help me prepare for my wedding. My maid of honor skipped my bridal shower because she thought it was stupid. I don't really know how to tell them that this hurt me. My fiancé said that they're planning something different, and that I should have my feathers ruffled, but I'm really hurt. How do I let them know this without making drama?

shutupanddance07 · January 2011

I'm sorry I guess that didn't make sense. My in laws wanted to have a shower near their home so that the elderly family members could be included, and my bridesmaids wanted to have a shower closer to them. I'm so upset I'm not even talking sense...

garcias1 · January 2011

That's definitely rude of them to say that to your family. It is their decision whether or not they want to attend showers, engagement parties, and bach parties (not a requirement of being a BM), but they don't have to be negative about the event. I would let it go for now. Hopefully their attitude changes.

Amivy06 · January 2011

They are not required to show up to or plan any prewedding parties. However, it is understandable that you are upset over what they said. That was rude. I'm sorry they felt that way.

banana468 · January 2011

It's not nice that they were rude to your family members.

BUT, they didn't have to attend.

And unless they told you what they said to your family members, it's also out of line for someone to say, "You know your BM told me that this was a dumb idea." That's an issue between the BM and the shower host - they shouldn't bring you into it.

At this point, I'd just say, "I'm sorry you weren't there. You missed a great time." and leave it at that.

palmettogirl924 · January 2011

Agree with PP's. It is rude that she said those things to your family, and she should have just said "Ok, I'm unable to make it". However, please understand your BM's don't have to attend every wedding related function (B-parties, dress fittings, showers, etc.).

I hope their attitudes change, but if not, continue going on with your wedding plans and they will be there to celebrate the day with you!

MairePoppy · January 2011

Your bms are not required to show up at your showers. They should have politely declined, if they were not able or willing to attend.
Your mom should not have repeated what they said.
Listen to your fi. Your bms may have already planned something else for you. If you confront them and he is right, you are going to feel very foolish.
Let it go.

shutupanddance07 · January 2011

I think I'm mostly upset because one of the "that's stupid" girls got married in October, and I was her MOH. I planned and did everything on my own with no help from her other bridesmaids, and I worked really hard to make sure her wedding events were special. I just want the same from her. It's not so much that I expected them to be there, it's that me feelings were hurt that none of them showed up. I just wish that my friends could be as supportive of me as I always have been for them. I know it's an hours drive, and they aren't REQUIRED to attend, but to blow off your best friend's bridal shower to hang out with your boyfriend, even if you already planned another one, is a really crappy thing to do. I'm just not sure how to tell her she hurt me so we can get past it and move on... I'm stuck on it....

trix1223 · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bridesmaids-refuse-show-up-family-thrown-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:25ba4347-f2cd-4f2c-834e-f54372c7e10cPost:72f65b4d-2267-42bc-9b29-548b5116c69d">Re: Bridesmaids refuse to show up to family thrown shower?</a>:
[QUOTE]Your bms are not required to show up at your showers. They should have politely declined, if they were not able or willing to attend. Your mom should not have repeated what they said. Listen to your fi. Your bms may have already planned something else for you. If you confront them and he is right, you are going to feel very foolish. Let it go.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

maire: may I co-sign this excellent reply?

MairePoppy · January 2011

Well, Trix - I'm flattered.

trix1223 · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bridesmaids-refuse-show-up-family-thrown-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:25ba4347-f2cd-4f2c-834e-f54372c7e10cPost:c3785f54-71cc-4b2f-b81c-22de9fdd49b2">Re: Bridesmaids refuse to show up to family thrown shower?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think I'm mostly upset because one of the "that's stupid" girls got married in October, and I was her MOH. I planned and did everything on my own with no help from her other bridesmaids, and I worked really hard to make sure her wedding events were special. I just want the same from her. It's not so much that I expected them to be there, it's that me feelings were hurt that none of them showed up. I just wish that my friends could be as supportive of me as I always have been for them. I know it's an hours drive, and they aren't REQUIRED to attend, but to blow off your best friend's bridal shower to hang out with your boyfriend, even if you already planned another one, is a really crappy thing to do. I'm just not sure how to tell her she hurt me so we can get past it and move on... I'm stuck on it....
Posted by shutupanddance07[/QUOTE]

Ahhh, but you see, no one forced you to do what you did for your friends. Did you knock yourself out because you wanted to or because you expected them to do it for you someday?

I'm hoping that you did it because that's your style and you wanted to go all out.

Would it be great if your friend reciprocated? Sure. But where you've gone wrong is to have expected her to reciprocate. Because it's not required. And I'm awfully curious: is she usually a super-involved, "go all out" kind of woman, or is she pretty laid back all the time?

Because if it's the latter, what would make you think that she would change because you're getting married?

You don't tell her anything. You let this go and move on. Did you have a lovely shower? Were there people there who love you to celebrate with you? Focus on those things instead of dwelling on the negative.

Dwelling on the hurt isn't going to make you feel better. It's not going to change what happened. And it probably change her either. So let it go, and look at all the happiness that's in your future.

shutupanddance07 · January 2011

I think I'm mostly upset because she has always been the go all out kind, and lately not so much. I feel like I'm not as important to her as I used to be. I guess it's not just this. Maybe I'm not just upset she didn't show up to my shower, and I'm more upset that she hasn't been much of a friend to me at all recently. She's my maid of honor and my best friend of over 14 years. That means something to me, but I guess it means something different to her. She's just never let me down before.

My wedding is in less than two months. I don't care about the next seven weeks. I'm upset that I'm losing my best friend

sister2groom · January 2011

Ditto mariepoppy. Also, not an excuse, but giving her the benefit of the doubt, maybe the girls who didn't show up are planning a surprise shower close to them and didn't know how to respond to your mom. Unlikely, because if that were the case you would think they would have thought of a better excuse before RSVPing to the other shower, but the point is, since she usu does go all out for you, try to view this as an aberration and try to talk to her with an open mind. Just be open and honest and tell her that saying it was stupid was hurtful, but I would not criticize her decision not to go, just the manner in which she RSVPed.

Kristin789 · January 2011

>>My fiancé said that they're planning something different...

Right. The wedding shower is hosted by the MOH, assisted by the BMs.
And it's held within a 6-week window prior to your wedding.
Your wedding is March 12, so your shower would be between February 5 and March 11.

>>His sister and mother threw us a surprise co ed shower yesterday.

Uhmmm, no. Family members would be hosting an engagement party, and that would occur EARLIER than 6-weeks prior to your wedding - like last weekend. Your FI's mother and sister would host the engagement party to introduce YOU to FI's extended family. And no, the MOH and BMs would not traditionally be invited to that. It's a party for the groom's family.

marinabreeze · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bridesmaids-refuse-show-up-family-thrown-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:25ba4347-f2cd-4f2c-834e-f54372c7e10cPost:72bc082d-3516-47b9-a74d-c8755b801bdf">Re: Bridesmaids refuse to show up to family thrown shower?</a>:
[QUOTE] />>My fiancé said that they're planning something different... Right. The wedding shower is hosted by the MOH, assisted by the BMs. And it's held within a 6-week window prior to your wedding. Your wedding is March 12, so your shower would be between February 5 and March 11. >>His sister and mother threw us a surprise co ed shower yesterday. Uhmmm, no. Family members would be hosting an engagement party , and that would occur EARLIER than 6-weeks prior to your wedding - like last weekend. Your FI's mother and sister would host the engagement party to introduce YOU to FI's extended family. And no, the MOH and BMs would not traditionally be invited to that. It's a party for the groom's family.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Wait, what are you talking about?

Especially nowadays, there isn't one person or group that is required to throw the shower. Traditionally, family members weren't supposed to throw the shower, but that was also during a time period where women went straight from their family's home to their husband's home, so having family members host would've been seen as them having undue benefit from the gifts that should be for the new household. Nowadays this is less likely the case, so family members hosting a shower is no longer the faux pas in most circles it once was. Also, other friends besides the MOH can host a shower, and in any case, showers, like other prewedding parties, are not a requirement.

Also, parties are named by purpose, not necessarily by timing or who hosts it. Regardless of if it's before the six-week window, if the family hosts it, or if it is co-ed, if the party was a party thrown specifically for the bride (or couple) to receive gifts, it is by definition a shower. If it's a party to celebrate the engagement and/or for the bride and groom's families to meet, it is an engagement party. There are traditional guidelines in terms of when each should be held, but the timing people choose does not automatically dictate the purpose of the party or what actually occurred. Unless you can read the OP's mind or you attended her surprise shower, you can only go by what she wrote.

SuMmErKuTiE · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bridesmaids-refuse-show-up-family-thrown-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:25ba4347-f2cd-4f2c-834e-f54372c7e10cPost:72bc082d-3516-47b9-a74d-c8755b801bdf">Re: Bridesmaids refuse to show up to family thrown shower?</a>:
[QUOTE] /> />My fiancé said that they're planning something different... Right. The wedding shower is hosted by the MOH, assisted by the BMs. And it's held within a 6-week window prior to your wedding. Your wedding is March 12, so your shower would be between February 5 and March 11. >>His sister and mother threw us a surprise co ed shower yesterday. Uhmmm, no. Family members would be hosting an engagement party , and that would occur EARLIER than 6-weeks prior to your wedding - like last weekend. Your FI's mother and sister would host the engagement party to introduce YOU to FI's extended family. And no, the MOH and BMs would not traditionally be invited to that. It's a party for the groom's family.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

OP: Please ignore the awful advice/info in this quoted post.

Anyone aside from the bride can throw the bridal shower. It does NOT have to fall on the shoulders of the MOH ever. That's a lot to ask of one person financially and nevermind mentally. Most of the showers I've been to the past few years have been hosted by the mother of the bride and/or groom with help from the bridal party.

Same thing with engagement parties, they can be hosted by anyone other than the bride and groom. There are no set rules on who can offer to host these parties. Everyone has different finances and schedules so there should never be one set designated person.

Also, I'm sorry your BM's were rude, but as Maire and Trix mentioned maybe they have something else planned for you.

zitiqueen · January 2011

Don't listen to Kristen -- she lives in Stepford and she's also certifiably insane.

Heather8505 · January 2011

I wouldn't say anything to them but I can understand why you're upset. To me, it's not "on no! how dare my bridesmaids not come!" but the fact that your bridesmaids are supposed to be the girls closest to you and they would not take a few hours out of their day to come to that for you. Maybe they are planning something else special...

and sorry but I didn't read past the first few replies.

CaseyandSalley · January 2011

some people just suck at being freinds but we love them anyways

deepcovejackie · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bridesmaids-refuse-show-up-family-thrown-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:25ba4347-f2cd-4f2c-834e-f54372c7e10cPost:b73d4175-ef54-45f2-9aa1-c6c5e85cc7fb">Re: Bridesmaids refuse to show up to family thrown shower?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think I'm mostly upset because she has always been the go all out kind, and lately not so much. I feel like I'm not as important to her as I used to be. I guess it's not just this. Maybe I'm not just upset she didn't show up to my shower, and I'm more upset that she hasn't been much of a friend to me at all recently. She's my maid of honor and my best friend of over 14 years. That means something to me, but I guess it means something different to her. She's just never let me down before. :( My wedding is in less than two months. I don't care about the next seven weeks. I'm upset that I'm losing my best friend :(
Posted by shutupanddance07[/QUOTE]

So what you have here is a friend problem, not a wedding problem. What do you think has happened between you two to put so much distance there? My guess is weddings.

Lower your expectations of your friend, and cut her some slack. Maybe meet for coffee and NOT talk about the wedding. I'm not calling you a bad friend, but sometimes people get caught up in all of the planning, and forget about the world going on around them.

HappinessByTheKilowatt · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bridesmaids-refuse-show-up-family-thrown-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:25ba4347-f2cd-4f2c-834e-f54372c7e10cPost:178c6c68-1cbf-4a62-a6a6-aefe6cd5d778">Re: Bridesmaids refuse to show up to family thrown shower?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaids refuse to show up to family thrown shower? : So what you have here is a friend problem, not a wedding problem. What do you think has happened between you two to put so much distance there? My guess is weddings. Lower your expectations of your friend, and cut her some slack. Maybe meet for coffee and NOT talk about the wedding. I'm not calling you a bad friend, but sometimes people get caught up in all of the planning, and forget about the world going on around them.
Posted by deepcovejackie[/QUOTE]

This.

Bridesmaids refuse to show up to family thrown shower?

Re: Bridesmaids refuse to show up to family thrown shower?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards