Future Wedding after Grad School - Problems

Knottie24182612 · November 2010

Hey all,

I am not new to the knot, but new to the boards. Also, I do not yet have the ring, though my boyfriend and I have talked about getting married. We are waiting, however, for a couple reasons.

1. I am currently an undergrad (graduating May 2011!!) in Arizona, while he works full time in Louisiana. We have been dealing with the long distance relationship for just over a year and everything is perfect, but we want to wait to formally get engaged until we are living in the same state. I will be moving there come Summer.

2. I am thinking about going to grad school in Louisiana (it's either that or a job there) and he has to take the Professional Engineering exam for his job. With both of these obstacles, we both feel that trying to plan a wedding would overwhelm both of us. We would like to wait to have a wedding until after these are taken care of, though a long engagement is a definate.

Now, the problem is that by this point I will have been living in Louisiana for a couple years. His family is all from Louisiana, and they are small town people. They are not as financially set as my family, who are here in Arizona and city people. I want to have the wedding in Louisiana as that will be my home and so that his family will be able to attend. It would be no hardship on my family to travel, whereas his family would need our assistance in paying for flights and hotels. My boyfriend and I have talked about saving money to pay for the wedding on our own, we are doing well financially, but it is not plausible to pay for his entire family to travel.

Even though this wedding is a couple years down the road, it has already caused contention in my family. My grandma and my mom have told me they would assist in paying for the wedding, however they want the wedding here in Arizona where all of my family lives. They said, "A wedding always takes place in the Bride's parish." I am Catholic, and while that may be a typical tradition, there are other factors to consider. What should I do? Any advice?

Thanks for everything!

- Nicole

bethsmiles · November 2010

My advice is to stop talking about. This problem is YEARS away from being a real issue and things really could change by then. If your family brings it up just tell them that they don't need to think about that right now.

Beads921 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_future-wedding-after-grad-school-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:684Discussion:2c11edd0-f8ae-43a6-896b-341d4bb51c7aPost:343c5cd2-d7d3-4edf-86ae-a2f008f48d62">Re: Future Wedding after Grad School - Problems</a>:
[QUOTE]My advice is to stop talking about. This problem is YEARS away from being a real issue and things really could change by then. If your family brings it up just tell them that they don't need to think about that right now.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

Ya, this for sure.

redheadtmk · November 2010

if you and your BF can/will pay for everything why are you stressing about your family wanting to control where it will be because they can contribute money? continue to plan on paying for everything yourselves then you can plan every thing the way you and your BF want to. and like PP's said, you have years to worry about it so stop talking about to your family.

Knottie24182612 · November 2010

Thanks, but it would actually be in 2 years. And being Catholic there is a 6-9 month pre-wedding program to go through. So it is a consideration now..

redheadtmk · November 2010

so it is sooner than we thought. that doesnt address the fact that you said you and your FI can pay for everything. if you dont need your family's contribution then dont take it. have your wedding in Louisiana for all the reasons you listed, and becasue it is what you and your FI want. your family will get over it. or not. doesnt matter. you are starting your own family now that you need to put first. its nice to consider everyones feelings but ultimately every decision from now needs to be about you and your fiance first.
as for catholic tradition, i know many traditional catholics and there is no rule in catholicism that says you have to get married in the brides parish. historically the bride's family paid for the wedding. and that is across many religions not just cahtolic. using religion as an excuse to manipulate you into doing what they want is unchristian like. unless you belong to some branch of catholicism i have never heard of, you have no reason to give into your mothers demands

bethsmiles · November 2010

Pay for it yourself then. When you let other people pay for your wedding they gain all of the control as well. Money always comes with strings attached.

ChanelShades · November 2010

Get the ring first then let whatever happens happen. Ask your FI what he wants to do.

hillary_marie88 · November 2010

It is your wedding, and ultimately your decision since you have the money to pay for it yourself if it comes down to that. However, I think you could work out a compromise, or at least try, depending on how set your mom is on having it her way. Obviously, explain the logistics of why you want to marry in Louisianna. Then, offer to let her have something back home- an engagement party, some wedding showers, or heck, maybe even a small ceremony of some sort- whatever you like and come up with is an option. Just be glad you have time to think it out, and the means to pay for it yourself (and have control).

Knottie24182612 · November 2010

Thanks everyone! I know it's in the future and I shouldn't worry too much yet. Just needed to hear it I guess.

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