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explaining it all to a child

ABeautifulMindABeautifulMind
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in Second Weddings
This will be both of our 2nd marriages.  Fi has a 4 year old son from his first marriage whom I love immensely.  I know the little guy is young and probably doesn't even get (or care) about our wedding.   I also  know we don't need to go into great detail because he is so young, but I guess I'm just wondering how to go about explaining it all to him?  Should this be a discussion for both of us to have with him or just him and his dad?  Thanks in advance!
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Re: explaining it all to a child

  • right1thistimeright1thistime member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would suggest that it be a casual, conversation.  Not a "sit down son, we have something important to tell you" discussion.  Keep it very matter of fact, and comfortable, and he should be fine.  You will need to talk about it repeatedly, and ask him if he has any ideas or questions about the whole thing. Kids get magical, convoluted ideas, like, "once Daddy marries ABM they will have to go far away and I won't be able to see them"  and especially if he still harbors some wishful thoughts about his mom and dad getting back together, this may be a (hopefully temporary) turning point in his relationship with you.  As in, when you were just dating, there was still hope he'd break up with you and go back to mommy, but once you marry him, he can't do that-- so its all your fault.    Regardless of how clearly you all feel, his thinking may be different.
    A friend of mine had her son (older) "give her away".  He very bravely did so, but on the wedding night, with his grandmother, he fell apart sobbing, "I didn't mean it, I don't want to give her away, I want her back!"  So be careful with the lingo around him as well. 
    Does he live with you?  Regardless, make sure the wedding chaos doesn't interrupt HIS routine, or he may resent that as well.  Good luck.  ~Donna
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  • deepcovejackiedeepcovejackie
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hi there--at that age, a child needs to know how the world affects THEM.  So, you need to say, yes, we're getting married.  Then outline what in his life he can count on, his bed, his room, his favourite toys, the love of his father, his mother, and his (now ) stepmother.

    I think you should be in on the discussion.  You're now part of a parenting pyramid.

    Congrats, and you're starting off well with your concern about the feelings of this little, very important guy.
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  • ABeautifulMindABeautifulMind
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks ladies!  His mom and dad have not lived together in a while so I doubt he remembers.  Though he does have a mind like a steel trap, so who knows?!?!

    Typically we have him 2-3 days a week.  Usually closer to 2.   We will be sure to make it a casual conversation and hopefully it all goes well.   We probably won't tell him until June or July as the wedding is in August.  And, of course, plan to tell his mom before we tell him.  I just hope that she takes it as well as we anticipate he will . . .
    *Sigh*

    Again, thanks for the input!
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