His Second, My First- Need Advice

fianceekathryn · August 2010

My FI was just married when I met him, then he moved away and his marriage ended (they divorced after being married about three years), he came back, we started seeing each other about three years ago and just got engaged. I'm totally comfortable with this being his second marriage- I love him, and it's his experiences that make him who he is.

But for some reason it upsets me to think about the fact that this is his second wedding. The first time we sat down to talk about planning, he mentioned something about the ceremony at his first wedding, and it made me really sad. We sort of fought about it, and at the end of the conversation he said that he wouldn't mention his first wedding anymore. But now I feel silly, like we're pretending the first wedding didn't happen because I'm being a baby about it. Should it be ok with me that he sometimes answer questions about what he wants at our wedding with, "Well, at my first wedding we did X, so at our wedding blah blah blah?"

I guess the question is, how do I let go of the idea that a wedding is a once in a lifetime experience, while still enjoying the fact that OUR wedding is a once in a lifetime experience?

MikesAngie · August 2010

YOUR wedding will be a once in a lifetime experience for both of you because it's YOUR wedding.

Yes he was married before and may want things done differently there is nothing wrong with that. Learn from his experience he knows what worked and what didn't for him with his first wedding; and that doesn't make your wedding any less special, if anything it can make it more meaningful for him. Everything he's doing with you is a new experience because he hasn't been married to you before.

In a perfect world people would find their true love and only get married once but that isn't how it is - if it were you wouldn't have met your fiance.

SueR13 · August 2010

You answered the question yourself. This wedding is YOUR once in a lifetime experience.

My FI and I both this wedding (second for both) to be different from our firsts, want it to be all about us... and that's how we're proceeding.

melissamc2 · August 2010

I'm on my third marriage. This is my fiance's first. We've had similar conversations. The only reason I ever bring up a previous ceremony or reception is if he asks or if it really is relevant to the discussion. It sounds like once you mentioned how you feel to your fiance, he was very respectful of that, and I'm glad. None of us who have been married before ever bring up the past weddings to cause hurt feelings or "rub it in," I promise. Sometimes you just unconsciously discuss something you have firsthand experience with. For me, discussing one of my previous weddings is much like discussing something I saw in a movie. That was another life. It's very technical, rather than emotional, when I talk about them.

I guess my best advice is probably the least romantic, and encouraging, thing I could say, but it may help.

Weddings are rarely a once in a lifetime experience, these days. Over half of marriages end in divorce. The odd of being out of your teens and really getting a first timer are getting less and less. It's an unfortunate fact, for sure, but that doesn't change things.

Focus on this being your only wedding TOGETHER. Focus on it being the only time he is marrying YOU. Focus on the fact that this is THE TIME you get to do what the two of you want to do; your way.

You're not being silly or a baby or anything else - you're just having a natural human reaction. Hell, I've been MARRIED to two other people and I don't have any interest in hearing about anyone my fiance dated a decade ago! Haha. Those twinges, or even outright attacks, of jealousy are normal. Just remember that he loves YOU, you love him, and your new life TOGETHER is being planned in THIS wedding. We can't erase the past, but we can leave it there. I think as long as you two do that, you'll find the wedding planning to be all you've ever hoped it would be.

Good luck and congratulations!

wwnbw · August 2010

maby it's a man thing but i don't know why he would start the sentence off like that....it's kinda really stupid of him. i was married before but this is FI's first. we don't pretend it never happend but at the same time we NEVER talk about it.

right1thistime · August 2010

I think its fairly typical to want to be sure that a second or subsequent wedding/reception doesn't look like the first. So if you say, "oh I want my colors to be peach and gold" and those were the colors of his first wedding- would you rather he say nothing? I'm betting you don't want to mirror anything about that wedding either.
If you can't bear to hear, "well at my first wedding...", then maybe you can come up with an alternate way to hear the same message. So, for example, maybe you could ask him to say, "the only entree I would prefer not to have is...", or you could make it a habit to say, "I was thinking of chocolate /hazelnut cake- how does that combination sound to you?" Or just a general, "any flowers that we should not consider?"
But here's another hint: if you ADORE lillies, or strawberries and champagne or a string quartet, and he indicates that he had the same thing at his first wedding-- unless he is violently opposed, don't automatically cross whatever it is off your list. Most people who aren't the bride (and maybe her mother) don't remember the small details about a wedding. If it doesn't give him the bad karma heebie-jeebies, you shouldn't worry about it. ~Donna

[Deleted User] · August 2010

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jenna.linder · August 2010

I completely empathize with how you're feeling! When we (fiance and I) first started planning, it really bothered me that he had been through this whole process with another woman. He never brought wedding stuff up, but then I found myself asking him, "Well, what did you do the first time?" Ugh.

As we've gone on, I think about it less and less, and have come to terms with the fact that, while he's been through the motions with someone else, it's going to have a whole new special significance when we do it. So, I'm not sure how long you guys have been engaged, but I think that time makes it better. Also, my fiance was always willing to talk about anything in his prior "situation" (that I was curious about) and that helped me to form an accurate image of what everything was like so I didn't "romanticize" their prior weding and relationship. So for me, time and understanding have put those feelings you described mostly to rest.

Good luck!!

fianceekathryn · August 2010

Thanks so much, everyone, for the helpful advice! Hearing everyone else's experiences and feelings makes me feel quite a bit less ridiculous, and that goes a long way toward helping me get over it.

thealphabride · August 2010

It happens to us second timers too. I love this story:

My mom and I were sitting in the kitchen with my laptop and I was playing her songs I liked for the wedding.

I mentioned the song "Unforgetable" and mom said she loved that song, at that moment as it was playing my finace walked through the kitchen and said If he heard that song at our wedding he'd shoot himself in the head. "Oh you must have had that at your first wedding" I said.
"It was our first dance song" he said.
Then mom says, "I guess that one's out." "ummm yea mom, that one's out"

Actually I have gotten used to saying to my fiance, your first wedding was a long time ago, and things have changed now. He used to bring up stuff from his first wedding but not so much now.

I was married in the courthouse first time around so this is my first wedding with guests and a reception so we are having a nice celebration.

Sloane99 · August 2010

I feel the same way about my first wedding as MelissaC, it was an event I attended, there's really no emotional attachment or feeling to the day. I remember being with my friends and having fun, but as for the significance of the day? Meh. It holds no weight with me because it wasn't emotionally significant. We had a completely different wedding than my first and that's not even by design, that's just what we both wanted at this point in our lives.

That being said, your feelings are valid. DH and I don't talk about exes or past relationships at all - never have and every once in a while (when we first started dating, not anymore) I do wonder if this is something he's done on a date before, or been to a particular restaurant with someone else. I wasn't his first anything and he wasn't mine, but it's the last of all those things that matters and it sounds like you know that. I think you just have to acknowledge that every time it comes up and eventually it will hold less and less weight.

tigerlily1980 · August 2010

I've been married before, but this was my husband's first wedding. When we started dating, I was afraid to mention anything from my previous marriage. And when we got engaged and started planning the wedding, a lot of stuff came up from my first wedding and I was afraid to mention anything I thought/felt about it. But it made me realize that that was ten years of my life, and we did share a child together, and not talking about it made me feel like I had a past to hide and that I'd done something wrong, like I was ashamed about it. And that's not right, because I think my husband and I should be able to talk about everything no matter how difficult. And we can.

Long story short, I'm no longer afraid to talk about something that happened in the past and my ex-husband just happens to be in it, because I don't want to look back on those years and only feel regret. I know sometimes I say things that upset him, but I think that's marriage. In the end, i think it's better that he understand who I am and where I've come from.

If you're struggling to get past his past, remember that his first marriage has helped him to be the person he is. It's also helped him to understand what's important to him in a relationship, and I'm willing to bet that he's not taking the decision to get married again lightly. You're marrying someone who knows what he wants, and obviously it's you that he really wants to spend his life with.

I can also tell you that the first time I got married, I had a fairytale princess wedding, but the marriage wasn't so glamorous. Now I know that your wedding day isn't your most important day, it's all the days that follow that count.

krimson19 · August 2010

this will be my second marriage and the first for my guy. i've mentioned aspects of the first wedding when we started planning. this wedding is so different from my first one. it's completely representative of us and our lives now.

just talk to your guy. he'll understand.

AshleyO717 · August 2010

Hey FianceKathryn, I am in the same boat as you. This is my first and his second. I have always been sad just knowing that he has said I Do before...and even more sad (although he didn't say it quite the same) when he knew things about wedding planning that took me by surpise before I remembered he had done this before. So now, we don't act like it hasn't happened...and it has been brought up in conversation since that first time I was shocked by his wedding knowledge...but in the end I've learned you just have to go with it, and be patient with him if he brings up his past experience and be honest (rational too) about how it makes you feel. YOUR wedding with him is what is important now. So yah, I think it's only natural to be a baby about it...but just try and remember that he loves YOU and wants to be with YOU now! When I remember that I get to be the one who spends the rest of my life with him everything else just doesn't seem quite as important!

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