Am I going to be the Evil New Wife?

Re: Am I going to be the Evil New Wife?

• jerseydevil member

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_am-going-evil-new-wife?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:89279fcb-e3df-405f-ba49-ce494e840cadPost:b3a94901-7f00-4425-81f6-a6a35e53a640">Am I going to be the Evil New Wife?</a>:
  [QUOTE]I have never been married but my fiance has. (I have a child from a previous relationship, and my fiance and I are expecting this summer). Fiance has not told his family yet about our baby or plans to get married, because "he doesn't feel close to them". We already put a deposit down on our reception and ceremony so I'm not scared that it means he doesn't want to remarry. We put his family on the draft guest list, and he thinks by the time we send invites all will be okay. A little background: He has 3 very young sisters who just adore his ex-wife. She recently took the two youngest on an out of state weekend trip. Her close relationship with his family drives me nuts, since I have yet to even meet these girls. His ex-wife is very homely looking and very much obese (350lbs+). She is a dull person, but not neccesarily a bad person, but she really isn't someone you'd look at and say "wow". Even in her wedding photos, she looks pretty mediocre. Her personaity isn't much either, she can be kind hearted though. We were once friends, but I am now refered to as the "slut who stole her husband", which I guess I deserve even though it's not really how it happened. I would be just as angry too if he left me after 7 years. I understand how it probably looks to his family, that I'm like the new trophy wife of some sort and that he left his wife for the wrong reasons. I'm much smaller than his ex, several years younger and I have a lot in common with him. He didn't have any children with his ex-wife, but his family seems very attached to her. I know exactly how all of our relationship must look, I just don't know how to avoid being the evil new wife. Has anyone else been in this position?
  Posted by NerdyNYMom[/QUOTE]
  
  
  HUGE red flag that your FI won't tell his family that you are expecting and you and he are going to get married. Has his family had a chance to get to know you? I would be bothered by that too.
  
  I won't even comment on how you described his ex-wife, but it is a little telling of what your perception of the situation is. Why did they divorce?

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• NerdyNYMom

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  She was a friend of mine as well.. She has some good qualities too, but I know it looks VERY bad, and people think he left her just because she was unattractive, but I know that's not true.
  
  My fiance is a sweetheart, we've been friends for many years. He was extremely good to his ex-wife, he was even very kind in the divorce, he didn't screw her over with money.
  
  I met him a month after his marriage to her, (what a tragedy). We were friends for a long time. He left his wife because he had fallen in love with me (I get a lot of sh!t from people for this), but I was engaged and planned to spend my life with another man when he told me he couldn't live without me. He makes me very happy.
  
  He doesn't visit his family, his ex-wife had gone out of her way to be friend his younger sisters after they lost thier father and their mother had been in and out of rehab. She wants to be a mother to them, and I understand there's a history, she's a good person and I shouldn't envy their relationship. I'm just worried that I won't be able to make a relationship with anyone in his family now because of this.

  Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml

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• blush64 member

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  I am tempted to ask if you are for real or just posting this for some other reason, I know people do that sort of thing sometimes.  I will answer anyway.
  
  I have not been in that situation. I don't know you but I will let you know what it looks like from an outsiders point of view. I don't mean to be harsh but like I said I don't know you so all I have is what you wrote.
  
  It does sound like you "stole" him from her. I mean in friendships there should be boundaries so as to make it impossible to fall in love with a supposed friend. (and you were "friends" with the wife too??) If you didn't steal her husband, what happened? If you were in love with your FI why would you leave him for the husband of a "friend"? You must have allowed yourselves to have at least an emotional affair or you would have shot him down when he professed his love for you. You say the marriage was a tragedy, but why? Why did they break up if it wasn't you?
  
  To be honest she sounds like a wonderful person. Your description of her makes you sound jealous. She may be overweight and you might find her homely but he saw something in her when they got married and it lasted 7 years- that's a long time.  His family wouldn't like her so much if she were a horrible person. Maybe you need to work on your feelngs towards her and maybe your jealousy of her relationship with his family and him. You are trying to sound sympathetic towards her while insulting her terribly, it doesn't work. Stop that. She didn't do anything wrong except love her husband and trust you. (her friend) Unless there is something you left out.
  
  If you try to present yourself differently you might get more support.
  
  Time heals, so as time goes on people may not see you as the evil new wife if you don't act that way. Accept that she is in the lives of his sisters, it may change but don't push it. Be as accepting as you can. The ex will heal and I am sure she will find love again. That will also help your situation because people won't see her as the wronged wife when she is in love again.
  
  I guess time is what you need.
  
  I would see it as a problem if I hadn't met all of his family and we were getting married. They don't know you are expecting? Why not? That might also be a problem. He doesn't feel close to them but his ex-wife is really close to them? IT doens't seem to add up exactly. Talk to your fiance honestly and see what he says. All that matter for your life in the end is how he feels for you and what the two of you do together.

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• awayagain member

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  If you kick and scream about her being around, it will  make you look like a biitch.  Have you ever thought to have a sit down with her and apologize for the way things turned out?  Might ease the way a bit.
  Always keep this tidbit in the back of your mind, though - if he did it with you, he'll do it to you.

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• handfast4me member

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  Remember the old saying "Actions speak louder than words?"    That is what I would run through my mind.  For everyone involved in this drama, if it is actually true (I suspect it's MUD). 

  Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

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• Marrin713 member

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_am-going-evil-new-wife?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:89279fcb-e3df-405f-ba49-ce494e840cadPost:17f91075-51cb-4aeb-a575-aba9ab9a85cf">Re: Am I going to be the Evil New Wife?</a>:
  [QUOTE]Remember the old saying "Actions speak louder than words?"    That is what I would run through my mind.  For everyone involved in this drama, if it is actually true <strong>(I suspect it's MUD</strong>). 
  Posted by handfast4me[/QUOTE]
  
  I feel sorry for your husband, Hand ;)
  
  To OP - not sure why exW being 350 lbs and homely is germane to your post unless you are trying to justify to us (and yourself) why he started looking around.  Whether she's 350 lbs or a svelte 125 with the looks of a model, if FI's family was very attached to her, then they are going to stay attached to her and you might as well face it that in their eyes you'll always be the "other woman."  Hopefully, they'll start to accept you but I suspect not.

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• handfast4me member

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  Marrin, you are too funny.  And during my stand up comedy act, others must feel sorry for him too.  Ha ha.  PM for you Marrin. 

  Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

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• MikesAngie member

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  After reading everthing here it sounds like you were the evil new friend that stole someone's husband. 
  
  I don't care what she looked like - he loved her enough at one point to make a committment to her and be with her for 7 years.
  
  Think about this what ever happened he stepped out on her with you when the going got either tough or boring - and if he did it to her he will do it to you instead of working things out...  Babies don't make men stay.

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• nmeirose

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  How long have they been divorced?  How far along are you in your pregnancy?  Did your becoming pregnant break up the marriage?  If not, and they were divorced for a period before you became pregnant, it is especially worrysome that he is not introducing you to his family.

  
  

  The sisters see his ex as a surrogate mother, from what you have said about her stepping up when their father died and their mother was addicted, so there is no way IMO their relationship will ever change.  Therefore, they do see you as the one that broke up the marriage.  I have a feeling that it will be many many years before you have a good relationship- for now, you just have to be as nice as you can and probably deal with them being nasty for a while.  That being said, there is no excuse for FI not introducing you,

  
  

  what is your wedding date?

  

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