My BF's issue with her FI (Need Advice)

ChanelShades · May 2010

Hi ladies! I need advice so that I can give advice. Not only am I a future bride to be.....but so is my best friend of 15 years. I am her MOH and she is mine. Her wedding is before mine but she is getting COLD FEET.

Every night I speak to her and she continues to say that she is not sure if she should marry him. I try to talk her into going forward because they have put deposits on EVERYTHING....and most importantly of all, she LOVES THIS MAN. Her only drawback is his mother. His mother can't afford to keep her house so my MOH's FI lives with her and pays most of the mortgage. Her FI has said that after they get married, they will move into his mother's house and live there. She doesn't want to do that. She doesn't like his mother's neverending comments about her. His mother is always involved in their arguments--- wants to know what happened and giving her input. My BF wants to pick out her own house. Cook in her own kitchen. Sometimes his mother says to him "yall can move out if yall want. I will just have to find a new place to live." And makes him feel really guilty. He told my BF that he can't "turn his back on his mother." My BF/MOH does NOT want to live there and is ready to call it off because she is so upset. She doesn't know what to do....and I don't know what to tell her. All I know is that I wouldn't do it....and I feel horrible telling her to go forward with the marriage, but in the next breath telling her that I wouldn't live with his mother.

I just don't know what to tell her. She has already talked to him and he seems to be set on continuing to live with his mother, despite the fact that she doesn't want to. So I guess I want to know....what is the best way for her to handle this situation. Her wedding is in 5 months!

Sincerely,

Distressed Friend

tldh · May 2010

I hate to sound like Dear Abby, but the three of them need to see a family counselor before they get married and probably continue afterwards. This situation is difficult in even the best of circumstances. A friend is in this situation with a Mother in Law whom she loves dearly and who never interferes but it is still a strain on the marriage because she is always there.

AmandalovesAl · May 2010

First, please use the enter key...it's hard to read one big P.

OK, so first, I don't think you should be 'telling' her to do anything. You need to listen to her and let her talk. It sounds like the only issue is the mother and she needs to talk about it.

I think these two need to go to a therapist and talk because this is a big issue. Your friend should tell him how strongly she feels about this issue b/c he probably doesn't realize it is so serious that she wants to bolt.

Also, is the FI planning on living with his mother FOREVER or is this a temporary thing? Is the mother between jobs right now so she can't pay the mortgage? I mean true, even if that is the case, she's bad with money and she will have to be concerned about this happening again...but still.

they need to sit down and talk about the situation, long term plans, etc. If they can't communicate about SUCH an important issue, they should rethink the marriage.

betrothed123 · May 2010

You really need to stop trying to talk her in to going through with this. She needs to make that decision for herself and doesn't need the pressure from you. A few thousand dollars in lost deposits is nothing compared to a lifetime of unhappiness, or even a few years of unhappiness.

They need to work through this before they get married. If this is a short term thing, maybe it would be worth it to her to stick it out. However, if it's a permanent living situation she will be miserable and maybe they would be better off going their separate ways.

ChanelShades · May 2010

Thanks for your responses. You are right, I should have considered the enter button. lmao. Anyhoo, I do not mean to come across as "telling" her to do anything. I have been listening for the past year to her speak on her reservations about it. Now it is more like...."what should I do? Should I call it off?" questions that I am facing.

I want to say it is a forever thing. Considering he graduated from college almost four years ago. Her FMIL still has her same job....it is just that her husband left and now she can't afford the house at all. So if my BF's FI leaves....then her FMIL will have to leave the house. Sigh. Tough situation.

Thanks for your input. I guess I will just say I won't "tell" her any advice and recommend that they go to counseling.

ChanelShades · May 2010

@betrothed: Thanks for your input. You are so right. At first, I thought the situation may have an easy solution. I thought maybe they could save up and buy their own house, but it is obvious that he does not want to move out. I appreciate your input. As stated, I will recommend counseling.

betrothed123 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bfs-issue-her-fi-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:781aa307-78b1-4775-92e5-49aa77b999d2Post:0b5c6c88-205b-42b9-b5b7-d601286764f5">Re: My BF's issue with her FI (Need Advice)</a>:
[QUOTE]@betrothed: Thanks for your input. You are so right. At first, I thought the situation may have an easy solution. I thought maybe they could save up and buy their own house, but it is obvious that he does not want to move out. I appreciate your input. As stated, I will recommend counseling.
Posted by ChanelShades[/QUOTE]

I think that's your best option, because if you tell her what to do she may end up resenting you for it, and you don't want that. I'm pretty sure my H and I recently lost a friend because he asked us for advice on his relationship. We told him what we thought and he decided that meant we hated his GF (we don't, but that doesn't seem to matter at this point). When we found out from a third party that he asked her to marry him we gave him a call to congratulate him and 3 weeks later he still has yet to call us back.

aerinpegadrak · May 2010

Honestly? Loving each other whole bunches isn't enough. They need to be able to communicate, compromise, and work through their issues. Calling off a wedding and losing all the deposits is much less embarrassing and expensive than getting divorced. If she has ANY doubts, she shouldn't be moving forward until she settles them. She has to decide if she wants to accept the complete package, which includes his mother in the next room.

ChanelShades · May 2010

@ aerin: I should not laugh. However, your "complete package, which includes his mother in the next room" sentence is hilarious. Thanks for your input!

JoyTate1 · May 2010

I just have to say, if her FI is disregarding her feelings already, that is a bad sign. His mother gets involved in their fights? the FMIL talks bad about her already? What does FI do? Does he defend her? Does he tell his mom to stay out of their fights? If not, this is WAY bigger than just having to live with a MIL.

quotequeen · May 2010

Personally, there is NO WAY I would marry into this mess, no matter how much I loved the guy. Deposits be damned.

Cercamom2011 · May 2010

This is tough. I agree they should seek counseling. IMHO the MIL sounds like she isn't completely over her divorce and having her son around gives her a little purpose in life. If it were just a money thing, she is probably rational enough to want to downsize the house. Even if it is just to get a fresh start.

However, that is not your friend's issue. She needs to figure out if this marriage is really what she wants and is willing to live with for an indefinite period of time. Like PP said, it's a lot easier to lose a few $$ than it is to spend years living in a situation she knew that she wouldn't like.

Best of luck to your friend, no matter what happens!!

KatyRoseM · May 2010

Its not about where they will live at this point, tell her its about if he cares about her feelings. I would encourage her to get counseling and think if she could really live with someone who doesn't care how she feels.

SarahPLiz · May 2010

The only thing I picked up was that you told her to stay because she already put down deposits. That is never a reason to go through with a marriage you aren't sure about.

I agree that they need to go to counseling, as a couple and as a threesome with his mom. Guilt is to be expected. That's just what some people do. He has a hard choice to make and is going to hurt someone no matter what he does, so he's gotta just pee or get off the pot!

megk8oz · May 2010

I don't think "you already put down deposits" is a very good reason for somebody to get married, especially in a situation where it looks like they need to re-consider.

It's one thing if it was going to be "Ok, we're going to live with her for the first couple of months because we have another place lined up and it won't be ready right after the wedding" or "Well, I start that new job that's out of state 2 months after the wedding so I don't want to waste time getting a place here just to leave immediately" or something like that. Then, as much as those first few months would suck, I could kind of see the logic behind it.

But if it's just "Well, I feel too guilty about not paying my mom's bills, so we're going to stay here and support her indefinitely" I wouldn't even walk, I'd run from that.

ChanelShades · May 2010

Looks like he plans on buying a house.....just for her. She will move in after the wedding. He will continue to reside with his mother until the mortgage is paid off. Then he will move with his wife. That's his game plan. She would have to wait TEN years....at least. This is his idea to solve the problem.

noelwellin · May 2010

Out of curiosity, if he's going to buy your MOH a house, why can't he just live with her and continue to pay his mother's bills from his own home, if her financial situation is what he's most concerned about? Is that something that's even been discussed between the two of them?

megk8oz · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bfs-issue-her-fi-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:781aa307-78b1-4775-92e5-49aa77b999d2Post:2c9ef117-4f16-454d-8008-f8de89466148">Re: My BF's issue with her FI (Need Advice)</a>:
[QUOTE]Looks like he plans on buying a house.....just for her. She will move in after the wedding. He will continue to reside with his mother until the mortgage is paid off. Then he will move with his wife. That's his game plan. She would have to wait TEN years....at least. This is his idea to solve the problem.
Posted by ChanelShades[/QUOTE]

Yeah, your friend needs to run and never look back. It's not like he's in the military or she's finishing up school or something, so it's total bs for her to live in a separate house when they get married. Plus, how is he planning on paying for 2 different mortgages?

It's very clear that the #1 lady in his life is always going to be his mother. And no woman should put up with that.

Tell your friend they need pre-marital counseling if she still wants to get married, and that if they're going to go, they should do so immediately.

But if she really doesn't even want to try that (Which, I can't say I blame her from how things sound), then just do your best to be supportive of her and her decision. It's not easy to break off an engagement, but in a situation like this-when you can see the red flags from miles away-it's better for her to go through with the pain and embarrassment now and just lose a few deposits, than to go through with it and then end up going through a divorce, which is way more painful, embarrassing and expensive than calling off a wedding.

jajph1974 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bfs-issue-her-fi-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:781aa307-78b1-4775-92e5-49aa77b999d2Post:2c9ef117-4f16-454d-8008-f8de89466148">Re: My BF's issue with her FI (Need Advice)</a>:
[QUOTE]Looks like he plans on buying a house.....just for her. She will move in after the wedding. He will continue to reside with his mother until the mortgage is paid off. Then he will move with his wife. That's his game plan. She would have to wait TEN years....at least. <font color="#800000"><strong>This is his idea to solve the problem. </strong></font>
Posted by ChanelShades[/QUOTE]

What I'd like to know is why his mother, who is a grown woman, can't solve her own problems? Really?

If she can't afford the house she's in then she needs to downsize. Sometimes grown-ups have to make tough decisions like that. She needs to grow up and stop sucking off her son and let him get on with his own life.

Personally, there is no way in hell I'd marry a man like that. He has completely disregarded your friend's feelings, and it will only get worse. She needs to get the hell out and be thankful that all she's losing is a few deposits.

jajph1974 · May 2010

Hmmm ... perhaps we can have a South Jersey Knottie intervention?

megk8oz · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bfs-issue-her-fi-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:781aa307-78b1-4775-92e5-49aa77b999d2Post:2775fc2f-3787-4509-86ef-468df494bdef">Re: My BF's issue with her FI (Need Advice)</a>:
[QUOTE]Hmmm ... perhaps we can have a South Jersey Knottie intervention?
Posted by jajph1974[/QUOTE]

I'm down.

jajph1974 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bfs-issue-her-fi-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:781aa307-78b1-4775-92e5-49aa77b999d2Post:c1529aae-7d95-42da-a4a2-ac9161c9070b">Re: My BF's issue with her FI (Need Advice)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My BF's issue with her FI (Need Advice) : I'm down.
Posted by megk8oz[/QUOTE]

Haha Meg. That guy would never make it out of there alive, and I'd have a few choice words for his mother.

ChanelShades · May 2010

She is going to premarital counseling at her church. She wanted all three to come but his mother declined. Her FMIL said it is a son's job to take care of his mother and she doesn't need counseling. UGH! My BFF's mom is quite fed up and has gone to speak to this woman directly. Hilarious. The Battle of the Mothers should be very interesting......

Thank you all for your input.

jajph1974 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bfs-issue-her-fi-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:781aa307-78b1-4775-92e5-49aa77b999d2Post:9e9a1667-8d8a-4fb1-aa55-93c8a083b5b8">Re: My BF's issue with her FI (Need Advice)</a>:
[QUOTE]She is going to premarital counseling at her church. She wanted all three to come but his mother declined. Her FMIL said it is a son's job to take care of his mother and she doesn't need counseling. UGH! My BFF's mom is quite fed up and has gone to speak to this woman directly. Hilarious. The Battle of the Mothers should be very interesting...... Thank you all for your input.
Posted by ChanelShades[/QUOTE]

You'll have to update us on what the Moms said to each other. This should be interesting :)

I still say you let Meg and I lay the smackdown on that douchey FI of hers

megk8oz · May 2010

I don't want you to think I'm judging this situation without "being there" on some level. DH's mother is irresponsible with money and has had trouble keeping work for the past few years. When DH moved out, that left her alone. And prior to him moving out, he would help her out with the bills. But not really to be nice, just for his own convenience (Like if she didn't pay the electric bill, he'd have no lights, or if she missed the rent, he'd have nowhere to live. He liked having lights and a place to live).

Whenver we visit with her, she complains about "how hard it is to be alone" and about how she can't afford this or that because she no longer gets any help, and yes, that makes both of us feel bad, but it's not our fault, and we have our own roof to keep over our heads. She will ask DH for money, and I really don't care if he gives it to her, as long as he tells me, but there have been times where he's said to her "Mom, that sucks that they're going to shut off the power, but I kind of need to keep my own lights on, too". I've asked him before if he's ok with the guilt she lays on him when he tells her no, and he always assures me "My mom's an adult, I'm an adult. If I pay my own bills, she should pay hers".

Don't get me wrong, DH isn't a jerk and he does love his mom and wishes that she didn't have these problems, but he also understands that there's only so much he can do for her and that he's entitled to live the life he's worked so hard to earn for himself.

I feel really bad for your friend. It's not the son's job to take care of his mother. It's the mother's job, as an adult, to take care of herself. If she were elderly and physically incapable of living on her own, that would be one thing ... but this sounds like she's an able-bodied, able-minded woman that just doesn't want to change her lifestyle because her selfish son had the nerve to get married and take care of his wife.

If she really can't keep a roof over her own head, she needs a smaller roof, that she can afford, plain and simple. Lots of women with kids get divorced, it doesn't suddenly become the kids' job to pick up where the ex-husband left off financially.

megk8oz · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bfs-issue-her-fi-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:781aa307-78b1-4775-92e5-49aa77b999d2Post:5c9e0b22-56ba-4e30-96d4-2fb9db7cca5f">Re: My BF's issue with her FI (Need Advice)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My BF's issue with her FI (Need Advice) : You'll have to update us on what the Moms said to each other. This should be interesting :) I still say you let Meg and I lay the smackdown on that douchey FI of hers
Posted by jajph1974[/QUOTE]

I am all for a smack down. No woman should be putting up with this crap, and while his mom sounds incredibly selfish, he's the one that's allowing her to act this way, so it is his fault that he's being a bottle of Summer's Eve.

jwang517 · June 2010

they seriously need to talk, all of them. and also, she should talk to her FI about her feelings. and he should be understanding. plus, who lives with the motehr in law nowadays? and how can a mother in law says those things to her? and hopefully he'll be supportive to her and stands up for both of them if they need to instead of having the mother in law bullying them around! cos if he can't do those, seriously, the problems would be even worse after the marriage...

MISSCOURTNEY20 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_misscourtney20-interview-knottie?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:5842a7bb-6b5b-44cf-9eea-7017cf3f735ePost:4d1c891e-c722-4529-90fb-f16185e852e8">Re: **MissCourtney20** Interview with a knottie</a>:
[QUOTE]What other boards do you post on? Why don't you have a bio?
Posted by bbyckes[/QUOT

I don't have a bio because I just haven't gotten around to doing one. Maybe I will start that next week.

I also post on November 2010 and Illinois-Chicago boards.

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