All was going great and then.......

LdyG · December 2012

My daughter is getting married Feb 23 2013 in Florida. She is the most laid back Bride. I call her my Anti-Bridezella. She has a MOH which is her cousin she grew up with and four Bridesmaides all of whom she is close. We had no issues at all from Dresses to shoes to jewlery all worked easy and all compromised then 3 Bridesmaides the morning of her shower backed out by TEXT MESSAGE!!! saying they couldnt support their marriage. Now not only do they do this but they said they would like to come to the wedding still !!!!! Have I fallen into The Nighmare on Wedding Street??? My daughter says she does not know what to say to them. I told her I should not be the one to talk with them, because I might be in jail by the end of the conversation !! HELP what do we say without coming across as the ____holes???

GoodLuckBear14 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_all-was-going-great-and-then?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c0265cda-ead9-478a-a6d1-ec8f5013c72ePost:4953b5c1-a51b-4eb7-80a8-0b9a01672fec">All was going great and then.......</a>:
[QUOTE]My daughter is getting married Feb 23 2013 in Florida. She is the most laid back Bride. I call her my Anti-Bridezella. She has a MOH which is her cousin she grew up with and four Bridesmaides all of whom she is close. We had no issues at all from Dresses to shoes to jewlery all worked easy and all compromised then 3 Bridesmaides the morning of her shower backed out by TEXT MESSAGE!!! saying they couldnt support their marriage. Now not only do they do this but they said they would like to come to the wedding still !!!!! Have I fallen into The Nighmare on Wedding Street??? My daughter says she does not know what to say to them. I told her I should not be the one to talk with them, because I might be in jail by the end of the conversation !! HELP what do we say without coming across as the ____holes???
Posted by LdyG[/QUOTE]

First, you need to answer the following questions:

1. Before your DD's BMs even went dress shopping, did she ask them each privately for their budget?

2. Did the BM's pay for all the extras (jewelry, shoes, etc.) or did you or yoru DD?

Kate61487 · December 2012

I feel like there has GOT to be more to this story, what the heck happened? And saying they can't support the marriage?? The only way I can imagine ever telling someone that was if they were in an abusive relationship and I was trying to open their eyes to the fact that they needed to get out (and even then I don't think it's the best way to deal with that). And if that were the case I certainly wouldn't still be attending the wedding as a guest.

It's less than three months out; so I imagine the costs are already spent. Unless someone (bride, MOH, other?) was being really demanding about contributing to costs for the shower or b-party (which isn't cool) I wouldn't think it's about money. Did they have a fight of some sort?

As the bride I'd probably try to get in touch with each girl individually and try to find out what's going on. Apologize for any potential mis-step. Ask what has upset them. And make it clear that their friendship is more important than her wedding day so if they'd rather be guests that's fine.

Kate61487 · December 2012

@ Retread - I don't think a shower about the three month mark is THAT weird. A little early, perhaps, but not ridiculous. Mine was two months out b/c that's when my MOH could be in town.

kmmssg · December 2012

Hi LdyG - I am also a MOB, 3 times now.

I, too, wonder if there is more to the story. It would be one thing for one of them to drop out, but 3 would certainly indicate there is a problem going on somewhere.

If you could give us some more info it would help us give you some perspective. My questions are basically the same as everyone elses:

1. Did your DD discuss privately with each girl what her budget would be for dress, shoes, alterations, etc? I'm hoping she didn't find a dress and then ask them if the cost of the dress she loves is ok.

2. The shower - were they hosting the shower? Did they volunteer to contribute to the shower or was it expected and then they were told how much they owed?

When 3 drop out there is something else going on. What else do you know?

Edited to add: YOU stay out of this and your DD needs to speak to them each, privately, and find out what is going on. This is her wedding, her friends. You need to be hands off.

LdyG · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_all-was-going-great-and-then?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c0265cda-ead9-478a-a6d1-ec8f5013c72ePost:7319a7ee-0776-4f9d-9b61-bb3b77f85cdd">Re: All was going great and then.......</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to All was going great and then....... : First, you need to answer the following questions: 1. Before your DD's BMs even went dress shopping, did she ask them each privately for their budget? 2. Did the BM's pay for all the extras (jewelry, shoes, etc.) or did you or yoru DD?
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

<div>
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</div><div>I paid for all dresses shoes jewlery and we gave earings matching as gift</div><div>We felt since they were paying to have hair and make-up done We would pick up those items</div><div>We knew they would have money laid out for batchlerette party. My daughter did let me know after they quit that one of the girls they had an issue with but dont you think that they could set it aside?</div>

LdyG · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_all-was-going-great-and-then?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c0265cda-ead9-478a-a6d1-ec8f5013c72ePost:85302a44-d5aa-476d-9495-41199f66c57e">Re: All was going great and then.......</a>:
[QUOTE]I think a lot more is going on here. What happened with the shower? Did you try to invoice them to pay for it, perchance? Why on earth is she having a shower NOW????
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

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</div><div>Her marriage is in Feb 2013 This was the Jack and Jill shower she was thrown, no one asked anybody to do it. Her MOH put it together and one other person is throwing her a private small one for Trousel' if I spelled that correctly<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" /></div>

Kate61487 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_all-was-going-great-and-then?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c0265cda-ead9-478a-a6d1-ec8f5013c72ePost:96f074b5-7c53-4b61-bba0-36933b7a29b1">Re: All was going great and then.......</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: All was going great and then....... : I paid for all dresses shoes jewlery and we gave earings matching as gift We felt since they were paying to have hair and make-up done We would pick up those items We knew they would have money laid out for batchlerette party. My daughter did let me know after they quit that one of the girls they had an issue with but dont you think that they could set it aside?
Posted by LdyG[/QUOTE]

You mean the three of them had a problem with another girl in the BP? If that's really the only thing going on it was ridiculous of them to step down for that. And to say something so hurtful as that they don't support her marriage? that doesn't connect for me at all.

My advice remains the same - your daughter should try to talk to each of them indicidually and find out what's going on as a FRIEND rather than as a bride.

LdyG · December 2012

You are all correct. First I am sarcastic and never actually lay a hand on anyone. I dont like pain mine or anyone elses. These girls are in our congragation. I have known them since they were young. We hold to Bible principels in our house. My daughter and her fiance' have been chaperone since they met. He works for our company and they have been together for five years and we are very close with his parents also. Sorry about too much backstory, but the girls have known both since before they started dateing, so their comment about "cant support the marriage" could only do to the fact that they are 19 & 20 and when they marry a few months after will be 20 & 21.

Second we have been able to take on the exspenses of the dresses shoes ect....plus I helped with the parties that have happen already. The girls didnt throw the main shower my niece did and I helped.

Third.. My daughter cares for these girls and have been close, she is hurt, but we did ask three other girls she is close to, which were in the wedding also, we called them Ladys -in-Waiting. They were helping with the ushers on diffrent things. Now they were asked to be maids So we will have 5 gromsmen 5 maids 4 ushers. My daughter has asked if they were upset with the other girls in the wedding. They did say they felt like one of the girls was not following our beliefs but they are wrong, no one is doing anything wrong and I feel they are being self rightouse and wanted the wedding to be about them, I thought that only happen on those shows and it was not true.

I just want to know if they should be allowed to come. I thought it was an un-written rule that if you pullout of a wedding you do not expect to come to it? Am I wrong? My emotions for my daughter who is hurt makes me second guess myself!

I am sorry if this was too long but I was asked for more info

MairePoppy · December 2012

Hi LadyG - I'm a recent MOB, also.

If this is just a money problem, then yes, the bms should have told your daughter that they could not afford any more wedding related expenses. And your daughter should have asked them, privately, about their budgets. But I don't think that would be the problem if you paid for the dresses and made the professional hair and makeup optional. Bachelorette parties are not required, so they shouldn't feel like they have to pay for that, either. Was long - distance travel required in order to attend the shower and bp?

I'm stuck on the part that says the three bms dropped out because they couldn't support your daughter's upcoming marriage. Do you think they may know something about her fiance that you don't know, or that your daughter may have confided something to her friends that made them think she shouldn't get married? For three girls to drop out, all for the same reason, there has to be something going on there.

Either way, this is not your problem to resolve. Your daughter is old enough to get married and these are her closest friends. She should talk to each friend about the situation to get to the bottom of it herself. It won't help if you get into an argument with her friends.

Good luck, mom, I know this seems like a big deal today, but your daughter can still have a beautiful, drama free wedding. By Feb, this should all be water under the bridge.

p.s. it's trousseau : )

MairePoppy · December 2012

We were writing at the same time.

If those friends are dropping out because they are judging some of the other wedding party members, then your daughter is better off without them. If some of the maids were planning activities that go against their religious beliefs, they could have skipped the parties without dropping out of the wedding party. They sound a little immature.

There is no rule that says the girls can't attend the wedding as guests, if they dropped out of the wedding party. If your daughter would like to maintain her friendships with them, she should invite them.

TheVirginians · December 2012

It makes no sense to me that they cannot support the marriage but still want to attend the weddings as guests. I am thinking that guests are witnesses and thus support the marriage as much as anyone there.

OliveOilsMom · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_all-was-going-great-and-then?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c0265cda-ead9-478a-a6d1-ec8f5013c72ePost:0655ac31-770e-46c2-917a-8a42496a9fcc">Re: All was going great and then.......</a>:
[QUOTE]You are all correct. First I am sarcastic and never actually lay a hand on anyone. I dont like pain mine or anyone elses. These girls are in our congragation. I have known them since they were young. We hold to Bible principels in our house. My daughter and her fiance' have been chaperone since they met. He works for our company and they have been together for five years and we are very close with his parents also. Sorry about too much backstory, but the girls have known both since before they started dateing, so their comment about "cant support the marriage" could only do to the fact that they are 19 & 20 and when they marry a few months after will be 20 & 21. Second we have been able to take on the exspenses of the dresses shoes ect....plus I helped with the parties that have happen already. The girls didnt throw the main shower my niece did and I helped. Third.. My daughter cares for these girls and have been close, she is hurt, but we did ask three other girls she is close to, which were in the wedding also, we called them Ladys -in-Waiting. They were helping with the ushers on diffrent things. Now they were asked to be maids So we will have 5 gromsmen 5 maids 4 ushers. My daughter has asked if they were upset with the other girls in the wedding. They did say they felt like one of the girls was not following our beliefs but they are wrong, no one is doing anything wrong and I feel they are being self rightouse and wanted the wedding to be about them, I thought that only happen on those shows and it was not true. I just want to know if they should be allowed to come. I thought it was an un-written rule that if you pullout of a wedding you do not expect to come to it? Am I wrong? My emotions for my daughter who is hurt makes me second guess myself! I am sorry if this was too long but I was asked for more info
Posted by LdyG[/QUOTE]

So much wrong here.

First, your daughter needs to have a private conversation with each girl and figure out why they cannot "support her marriage". Once the girls clarify their position, it should be decided by the B&G if these girls attend. If it was simply problems with another BM, but they used the excuse of not supporting the marriage, I think they should be invited. If they say the G is an egotistical maniac, then no, they shouldn't be invited and B should evaluate her relationship.

For the BM that dropped out, it was very rude to replace them. It was rude to have "Ladies in Waiting" too. Thats just saying, you aren't good enough for the first round, but if there is an opening later you'll be welcome as a BM. And it's saying to the BM that dropped out, that their friendship is replaceable. Which, if your daughter wants to have a relationship with the dropped out BM, this could hurt the repairing process.

And any item dictated that it needs to be used for the wedding, is not a gift. Please shop for all attendants like it is their birthday. It does not need to be an outrageously expensive item. Just something they will love in their non-BP lives.

SB1512 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_all-was-going-great-and-then?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c0265cda-ead9-478a-a6d1-ec8f5013c72ePost:7717cd3c-dcf1-402a-926c-50e9ab40de60">Re: All was going great and then.......</a>:
[QUOTE]Jack & Jill? Is this a coed shower, or one of those wedding fundraisers? If it's the "give the couple money" thing - I'm not surprised they dropped out. Ranking the maids was a very bad idea.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I would agree with this, but if I understood an earlier post by the OP correctly, the MOH planned the jack and jill shower. Wasn't specified it if was jack and jill as in co-ed or jack and jill as in fundraiser. And, if it was the jack and jill fundraiser version I think that since somoene else planned it and the bride appeared to be uninvolved BM's shouldn't hold that against the bride.......

SB1512 · December 2012

It is in my area as well. I'm just saying that if that was truly the case then why didn't these drop out BM's either a. tell MOH that a fundraiser jack and jill (if that is what this shower was) goes against etiquette and try to stop her from throwing one or b. tell bride that they are dropping out because they don't want to be associated with a shower that is a huge faux pas

stantokm · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_all-was-going-great-and-then?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c0265cda-ead9-478a-a6d1-ec8f5013c72ePost:115d1054-052b-4850-8f29-8d6abebaa7be">Re: All was going great and then.......</a>:
[QUOTE]I t makes no sense to me that they cannot support the marriage but still want to attend the weddings as guests. I am thinking that guests are witnesses and thus support the marriage as much as anyone there. Nobody is there to "support" the marriage, or "support" the wedding. They are there to WITNESS the ceremony, and enjoy the event. A marriage that needs "support" shouldn't be taking place at all.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

In many Christian ceremonies that I've attended, the congregation has been asked to support the marriage:

"The bonds this couple has made today are sacred and holy, and should not be broken. But nearly every relationship is tested at one point or another, by conflict, temptation, strife, and change. Will you, their loved ones, family, and friends, agree to help them keep those bonds holy, reminding them of their love for one another, and helping them cross through those stressful periods? (guests respond, "We Will")" (example is from <a href="http://weddings.about.com/od/yourweddingceremony/a/communityvow.htm" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">this website</a>).

And I would agree with the PPs that have said that attending a wedding is supporting or approving of the marriage. If a friend was marrying an abusive cheater, I would not attend that wedding because I would feel like I was saying, "Yay! So excited to watch you commit yourself to a man who beats you!"

It's not that the marriage "needs" support/approval or it won't survive, it's that people who don't think that the bride and groom should marry should not bother attending.

willywally5 · December 2012

For cripes sake, this bride's friends are saying they 'couldn't support the marriage' and you guys are chastising her about giving jewelry as a gift, the timing of her shower and if it was a fundraiser or not? (Yes, all are no-nos, but for all we know there are more gifts on the way and the shower was simply co-ed. And who the eff cares if it was a few months out? With the holidays and winter weather, makes sense to me.) There are way more important things going on here, like finding out the reasons these young women don't feel like they can stand up for the couple and possibly the need for some serious introspection on both the bride and grooms' part.

LdyG, you need to stay out of it. If your daughter doesn't know what to say, she needs to put on her big girl panties and come up with something. Sure, offer advice IF she asks, but leave it at that. If she's old enough to marry, she should be able to have a conversation with what appear to be life-long friends of hers. I know it's hard, but a big part of being MOB (which I've just done this fall) is biting your tongue. Let her handle it.

If these girls are just being immature brats or not getting along among themselves, then whatever. But if they have some valid concerns about the relationship, maybe the couple needs to examine that. I get the feeling there is more going on here or maybe those girls know something that either you or your daughter don't. Or possibly one or more of the girls and your daughter had a falling out?

If they are upset about the marriage or not getting along with the bride, not sure why your daughter would want them at the wedding or why they'd want to come to it. That issue really depends on the girls' personalities. Could end up causing drama whether they are invited or not, so it's kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't deal. At least if they are invited, your daughter looks like the bigger person.

Also, the maids don't need to be replaced. Many times that is viewed by the replacements as a slap in the face. It's OK to have uneven sides.

(Edited for a word omission and also, apologies for wall of text.)

All was going great and then.......

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