evil step-mother-in-law

venturabj · May 2011

My FI's step mom has officially gotten on my last nerve and I don't know what to do anymore! Any advice? Here are a few examples of her ridiculous behavior:

She told me that she is my mother and I need to respect her

She told us that we HAVE to put her daughter in the wedding and let her wear a bridesmaid dress! (the daughter is mentally handicap, in a wheelchair, and isn't capable of doing anything in the wedding, plus she wants us to pay for her $170 dress!)

Won't let us even have a slight say in what she is wearing to the wedding (even though she is the mother of the groom, being walked down by the ushers in the ceremony, and sitting in the front row)

She wants us to pay for my fiance's sister's hair, which will cost $190 because she is too lazy to do it herself!

Hasn't put a penney into this wedding and expects to have a say in every detail!

And to top it all of we got her a gift card for mother's day (a pretty hefty one at that) and she is mad at us because it wasn't in a mother's day card!

The list goes on and on...what do I do?

hlq2011 · May 2011

Don't talk about the wedding with her.

Why in hell is anyone's hair costing $190? That's absolutely ridiculous. You only have to pay for it if you're MAKING her get it done professionally.

You don't have to have anyone in your wedding party that you don't want there, but I agree with PP; you sounded kind of nasty there.

You should respect her, but I don't think I'd take kindly to anyone other than my mother telling me that she was my mother.

And you aren't entitled to have any say over what she wears.

venturabj · May 2011

She told us that we HAVE to put her daughter in the wedding and let her wear a bridesmaid dress! (the daughter is mentally handicap, in a wheelchair, and isn't capable of doing anything in the wedding, plus she wants us to pay for her $170 dress!)

I am not trying to say anything about her being mentally handicap or anything like that, but she is 8 and has the development of an 18 month old. My point is that she kicks and hits everyone that gets close to her and she screams and yells all the time. She will be sitting in the front row, but she isn't capable of sitting quietly and still for an entire wedding ceremony. Plus, she isn't a bridesmaid so why should she be wearing the dress?

Hasn't put a penney into this wedding and expects to have a say in every detail!

I have never talked to her about the wedding...she just tells us what we should do and how everything should be anyway!

Won't let us even have a slight say in what she is wearing to the wedding (even though she is the mother of the groom, being walked down by the ushers in the ceremony, and sitting in the front row)

We didn't want to decide for her, we just wanted to guide her because she has never been to a formal wedding, let alone one that was planned more than a week ahead of time! She dresses in inappropriate clothes and likes to show off her girls if you know what I mean. Our wedding is formal and we want the mothers and other family members to dress appropriately!

A few more things...

she couldn't tell you the date of our wedding if her life depended on it even though we have told her about 1000 times and sent out save the dates to everyone!

If it weren't for facebook she wouldn't know my last name and I have been with her son for 5 years!

She has no idea of my age, when my brithday is, or what year in college I am. Let alone my major, future career plans, or what I do for a living now.

She couldn't tell you if I have any siblings or if my parents are still together, let alone anyone's names.

venturabj · May 2011

A few more things... she couldn't tell you the date of our wedding if her life depended on it even though we have told her about 1000 times and sent out save the dates to everyone!

So? I'm not sure why this matter. Some people are horrible with dates.

...her son is getting married!!! her oldest daughter and her son are in the ceremony...why is is ok for her not to know the date!?!?

p.s. I didn't post this for people to question what I am doing, I wanted advice on what to do about the situation.

venturabj · May 2011

also...she complains that I haven't spent enough time getting to know her, but she knows nothing about me...that is why I said she doesn't know my name, b-day, etc...

venturabj · May 2011

I have tried to spend time with her, she ALWAYS turns me down! I asked her idk how many times to come look at venues with me, to shop for bridesmaid and wedding dresses with me, to shop just in general, to taste the food from the caterers ...etc! I have tried to include her in wedding decisions and real life situations and she doesn't ever keep her word and come with me!

venturabj · May 2011

Let's just drop the date thing because we don't agree on it. Thanks for the advice on the other situations.

misscyndikalene · May 2011

"I am not trying to say anything about her being mentally handicap or anything like that, but she is 8 and has the development of an 18 month old. My point is that she kicks and hits everyone that gets close to her and she screams and yells all the time. She will be sitting in the front row, but she isn't capable of sitting quietly and still for an entire wedding ceremony. Plus, she isn't a bridesmaid so why should she be wearing the dress?"

I hate hate hate when tk girls are mean and turn the situation of the OP into something its not. I have been attacked numerous times, but I HAVE to say that you sound horrible here. It doesnt matter that the daughter is special and that she acts like a toddler. She will be your FSIL and you should respect her and treat her like everyone else.

I dont think your obligated to make her a BM or buy her a dress at all, but you should definitely take a step back and breathe. I know its frusterating that she doesnt know anything about you but she will be your FMIL forever so you should figure out a way to ignore her and her "ways". Thats definitely the best option. OR say something to her! Tell her, is there something I did to you to make you treat me this way? I feel terrible knowing that you know nothing about me even though Ive been with 'fi" for such a long time. I want a good relationship with you. (that will definitely put her on the spot and put the ball in her court)

venturabj · May 2011

I hate hate hate when tk girls are mean and turn the situation of the OP into something its not. I have been attacked numerous times, but I HAVE to say that you sound horrible here. It doesnt matter that the daughter is special and that she acts like a toddler. She will be your FSIL and you should respect her and treat her like everyone else.

We are treating her like everyone else. She will be in the front row with the parents and will be recognized as a sister, but it isn't appropriate to have her up with the bridesmaids because she requires so much care. As I said, she hits and kicks everything that is in her reach, and she is constantly yelling and screaming. With her in the wedding party she would have to be wheeled off of the stage and into the hall and it would be very noticable and weird. With her in the audience, she will be able to be taken out of the room without a problem. I am in now way putting her down for being handicap, it just wouldn't be appropriate to have her in the wedding party and stand up with us. She is not getting any special treatment or being discriminated against in any way! My FI and I both agreed on this!

misscyndikalene · May 2011

Oh Ok. I get what your saying. Thanks for clarifying that. Then yes, having her with her family is ok and you definitely don't need to make her a BM, even if she is forcing you. Stand your ground here for sure.

vicki0508 · May 2011

It sounds like your FMIL just isn't that fond of you. She doesn't have to be. It doesn't make her evil.

I suggest that you let it all go. Seriously. It's not a big deal that she doesn't know every detail of your life. Nothing you talked about is anything worth getting upset about. You have the rest of your life to get to know each other.

ootmother2 · May 2011

You get no say at all about what she wears.

Other than that, I won't disagree with you.

hth

Davesgrl2011 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_evil-step-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ef634b99-cbec-49bc-a11b-1c9fc6b91996Post:a25153e9-0986-47b4-bd26-bdd85fc957e5">Re: evil step-mother-in-law</a>:
[QUOTE]"I am not trying to say anything about her being mentally handicap or anything like that, but she is 8 and has the development of an 18 month old. My point is that she kicks and hits everyone that gets close to her and she screams and yells all the time. She will be sitting in the front row, but she isn't capable of sitting quietly and still for an entire wedding ceremony. Plus, she isn't a bridesmaid so why should she be wearing the dress?" I hate hate hate when tk girls are mean and turn the situation of the OP into something its not. I have been attacked numerous times, <div>
Posted by misscyndikalene[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>I agree with this. I have posted online looking for help and have been attacked in situations where I really was hoping for a knottie shoulder to cry on. So don't get upset about it! </div><div>As for your evil step mother to be, what does your mom say about this? If you can I would enlist her help. Also, put your foot down about what you will pay for and what you will not. It may seem mean to mention the handicap, but it isn't mean to say you won't buy a dress and hair do!</div><div>Good luck!

</div>

pizzanfries4me · May 2011

venturabj - I sent you a private message

jerseydevil · May 2011

No one is attacking you, OP just trying to figure out what makes your step-mother-in-law so evil and give what advice we can.

Yes, she has made some unreasonable requests (ie. expecting you to buy your FSIL's dress, put her in the wedding party and pay for her hair), but it just sounds like overall you and her don't exactly "click" and that is perfectly ok. Just tactfully stand your ground when you do deal with her and try not to talk about the wedding with her too much. Weddings bring out the crazy in people for some reason and if you cave on anything now, you are setting yourself up for her to expect that from you if she pushes hard enough.

You know what efforts you have made to get to know her better and improve your relationship and I'm sorry if that has not been reciprocated, so just get along with her the best you can when you do see her.

Good luck with the rest of your planning!

saric83 · May 2011

So your FMIL isn't your biggest fan... I get it. And it sucks. But that doesn't make her evil. You are marring into that family, so you are going to have to learn to play nice with her, even if she doesn't know your mom's name or when you were born. I doubt my IL's know my birthday. Stop vilifying her and try to figure out how to manage her. Cos you will be doing it for a long time.

Best advice ever! : )

mob2689 · May 2011

I am coming in here late and read most of the things, I was just way to angry to even touch on this part at the time.

I want to address when you called her lazy and how she doesn't go anywhere with you. I would be ashamed of you if you called me lazy w/o knowing what it's like to live the life your FSMIL lives.

Background info on me and I have been through alot: We have a mentally hadicaped son, and I also have a neice that has stage 4 of Rett sydrom. With that being said if one hasn't cared for these special needs children, they will never know how much work, pateints, dedication and time it takes along with the toll on the caregivers. By no means what so ever is it a complaint and don't dare say if it's that hard institutionalize them if they are so much work, that would be the true definition of evil on your part.Nor will you will ever hear that parent complain about it either because they are our children. Yes they may say they are so tired or frustrated, that's where the word compassion comes in on your part.

So if you think about that, maybe, just maybe you could see why she doesn't go with you to do things. She may have every intention when she says she will go with you, but when that day comes maybe your FSIL is having a difficult time, and when they do have these times and they could be every hour, or every week or even every 4 moths no one knows but, you do not, repeat do not want others (meaning ppl who haven't been in the dwells of the hardest days) to care for them other then the primary caregivers which in our case is me and DH and it seems as in your FMIL case as well. When I am @ work he deals with issues the good and the bad, and yes they have great days,

Maybe have compassion and understaning with your FMIL instead of calling her "evil" learn the ropes on how to care for your FSIL well enough to maybe your FMIL will feel secure and "ok" to venture away from her daughter, that would be one of the greatest gifts you and your FI could give her.

Maybe she's not "evil" maybe she is just run down, worried and everything else which then perceives her to be "evil" as you say. As that saying goes don't judge until you have walked at least a mile in thier shoes.

ETA: I would prefer a card or a heartfelt letter anyday over a gift card, it has thought and meaning.

trix1223 · May 2011

mob2689: ::standing ovation:: and warm wishes to a woman who has inspired me. You are an amazing mom, aunt, sister.....Blessings to you.

covejack · May 2011

I bow to the wisdom that is mob.

venturabj · May 2011

mob 2689...I am tired of people trying to make me sound like I have something against handicap people! I never said anything to make you think that I don't think it's hard to raise a handicap child! I said she is lazy, which she is! She has a nurse who takes care of her daughter 24/7 as she sits and watches tv! Thanks for th advice, but I didn't post something on here for people to attack me!

venturabj · May 2011

Davesgrl2011 : Thanks for supporting me! I though I could get some help and have a place to vent on here, but I guess not!

venturabj · May 2011

You don't know anything about me or my other in-laws so I would appreciate it if you wouldn't comment about our relationship! Just forget it, your advice isn't needed if you want to get nasty about it.

mob2689 · May 2011

Venturabj, even though she has a nurse to care for your FSIL, doesn't make her lazy, just because she sits and watches tv, like you said we don;t know nothing about much here other then what you have mentioned but I do know even if the nurse is there caring for her daughter there still is a possibility of her not wanting to leave her. It's like going to see your dear family member in a hospital, even though there is a nurse caring for them you so hate to leave them for the night. Just because a nurse is there doesn't mean anything honestly.

All I am / had said in my pp is step back, and think before you go telling ppl how "evil" a person she is nor condisered anyones optionas and opinions that they suggested you just are defensive because you are not getting the answers you want.

You don't know how she feels, for all you know she may feel tremdous guilt and maybe depression, and again it doesn't make that person "evil" Think out of the box it may benifit. The impact these children have on family is immense, it's more the mother than anyone else. Sitting at her house and spending time with her may be worth gold, she's right there with her daughter, so that eliminates the a tremdous worry. Maybe she watches TV because she has no one to realy talk to. Either way by the sounds of things you will have something to rebuttle this as well, I am just trying to help you understand the pain and guilt possibly of you FMIL.

Maybe for her benifit, not yours quit trying so hard and expecting so much from her her plate seems full already. Some can try too hard as well and maybe this is the case. Expect nothing from her, and what ever comes your way enjoy it. Maybe hearing your plans on your wedding as you sit @ her house is a lovely "escape" for her.

ETA: Demanding in areas, yes maybe but she may not see it with everything else around her and as other PP said have your FI deal with her since he has expereince. You should stay out of it completly you may make it rough on both you and your FI

mob2689 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_evil-step-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ef634b99-cbec-49bc-a11b-1c9fc6b91996Post:b5c3b8b8-d2de-4a40-873a-a4a7263c9e64">Re: evil step-mother-in-law</a>:
[QUOTE]mob 2689...I am tired of people trying to make me sound like I have something against handicap people! I never said anything to make you think that I don't think it's hard to raise a handicap child! <strong>I said she is lazy, which she is! She has a nurse who takes care of her daughter 24/7 as she sits and watches tv!</strong> Thanks for th advice, but I didn't post something on here for people to attack me!
Posted by venturabj[/QUOTE]

OMG Realy?! ....you just don't get it! Sad, very sad......and I beg to differ that you know anything about how hard it is to care for them given the bolded stmt you made.

Please tell me this person is a troll. If so sad subject but better to know there isn't ppl out there like this.

bstent · May 2011

No criticisms meant to anybody - but sometimes in frustration and due to long-standing hurt feelings, venting can come across sounding differently than how it is meant to sound. None of us likes to be misunderstood, criticized, or seen in a negative light because our comments were perhaps worded wrong in our frustration, or were not explained fully, or someone took something a certain way due to their past experiences. Constructive criticism can be given in a way that supports an individual and helps them grow or learn things about themselves and others, without leaving that person feeling bulldozed.

Venturabj, good luck with your problem. I think there was a lot of good advice in the posts. FSMIL might be going through more than anyone knows and might need support. She might have some depression or anxiety due to all of the things she is dealing with. Or, alternatively, she might just be mean. Or maybe the two of you just don't click. None of us can know, and you might not even know until you have that conversation with her. I think you have several options... you could make an effort to spend time with her (making it easy by going to her house so you avoid the issue of her cancelling plans), and just get to know her better. You could sit down with her and explain how you feel (try to use "I" language, as in, when [blank] happens, I feel like [blank]) and try to find out how she is feeling. You could just let her be the way that she is, accept it, and deal with it, venting to people that you trust so that you don't blow up at her. Or, you could distance yourself from her to avoid the stress.

Hope I helped... I get the feeling from your posts that you are under a lot of stress right now, try to focus on the positives and remember why you are marrying the man you love! Good luck.

jemmini6 · May 2011

OP- No one was being that 'mean'. Lots of people gave you helpful advice, but it seems that you aren't really here for advice, you are just here for validation, which you won't find here. So if you are still reading, let me try to help.

Yes, some of the things that she is doing is out of line. The hair thing, for example, whether she is lazy or not, she was rude to request that you pay for it. On the other hand, some of the things she is doing I think you are blowing out of proportion. For instance, wanting input on her attire. She is a grown woman and is perfectly capable of selecting something to wear without your approval.

I think some of your problems with her might stem from the fact that you are BOTH misunderstanding the other. I suggest you take some time to spend together alone and get to know each other a little better...and NOT wedding related. Why don't you take her out to lunch or something and talk about yourselves, not the wedding.

And about the whole handicapped thing, I'll admit that it came off kind of wrong, but I think I understand you intent about it. Although I have to agree with mob in that you don't know what kind of stress she is under having children with disabilities. I grew up with an uncle that had Down Syndrome and we lived with him for several years after my grandma passed away. When he started getting sick (had seizures and strokes), we all had to take care of him more, including feeding him, bathing him, etc. After dealing with that for a long time, sometimes you just need to relax, and a lot of times, you need help. So just don't be too quick to pass judgement on her for having a nurse and just watching tv. It's probably not laziness, it's an escape. Do you think it's easy to have a child that young and know she'll never have a normal life? Just because she has a nurse helping doesn't make it any easier.

I'm not saying you are a cruel person by any means, merely that you need to realize that you might not fully comprehend what she is going through and are being a little too quick to pass judgement on her. Again, I think this is where taking some time to get to know her a little better might help. Even if she really is just a difficult person (that can happen with or without a child with disabilities), at least you'll know that you made an effort.

Good luck with your wedding planning!

evil step-mother-in-law

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