The bridesmaids and what are you paying for

fickrj5 · March 2010

Hey Maine Knotties!

I was wondering how you guys were splitting up the cost between you and your bridesmaids? I would love to get everything for them, but I am not made of money and I know neither are any of them. So for all of you, when it comes down to it whose paying for what?

Dress:
Shoes:
Hair:
Accessories:
Jewelery:
Makeup:

and whatever else you might be doing to spruce up your bridal party's look.

I would appreciate any and all thoughts on this topic as I am getting ready to send them thier bridal party requests and I want to be able to include thier responsibilities in it so they know what is expected of them.

TIA!

angegary · March 2010

I think it all depends on what you can afford. When you ask people to be in your wedding, they know it comes with a cost. Most weddings I have been in the bridesmaids paid for all the above on their own. Two weddings I was part of, the bride gave us the jewelry as a gift for being in the wedding. It's your day...it comes down to what you want.

chayer227 · March 2010

I let my girls pick any "little black dress" and shoes that they would wear again, which they paid for or used what they already had.
I bought them jewelry, pashminas, flip flops, and tote bags to use the day of.
None of us paid for makeup, and I gave them the option of getting their hair done - which they all chose to do and pay for. I found an insanely affordable salon to do everyone's hair, but didn't make it a requirement.

Please don't tell your BM's what their "responsibilities" are. They are responsible to show up at the wedding and wear a pretty dress, THAT's ALL. They do not need to do one single thing more than that - they don't have to go dress shopping with you or throw bachelorette parties, showers, or anything more.

jena.n.ross · March 2010

I thought chayer was living in my head for the first part, but disagree for the second. I think by accepting the bride's offer to be part of the bridal party, they accept a certain amount of responsibility. Speaking -solely- from an etiquette point of view, it's in poor taste to ask for/expect anyone to get you or do anything for you. However, in practice, such things as showers fall on the BM's shoulders. Personally, if I wasn't close enough to a bride to WANT to throw her parties, I would decline her offer.

As for who pays for what, I can only tell you what I plan to do:

I'm asking the girls to pick their own knee length black dress. It will be figure flattering, in their price range, and it's something they'll wear again. I'll be buying jewelry and pashminas (it's a fall outdoor ceremony) to give as early thank you gifts.

MiniMin20 · March 2010

The girls are all paying for their dresses, but I kept them affordable ($120). They can wear whatever silver shoes they want, so they are free to wear something they already own, borrow, or spend however much they can/want.

I'm buying them jewelry to wear for the day as part of their attendants' presents, and I'm also paying for all of them to get their hair done. I feel like the dress is a necessity and so I felt justified in asking them to pay for that, but not getting their hair done, so that's why I'm paying for it. None of us are getting our makeup done, but if they wanted to, they could pay for it.

brownb · March 2010

My girls are paying for their dresses ($120) and that's the only thing they're "required" to pay for. I told them that I don't care if they get their hair done or not so if they choose to the cost is up to them. I also told them they could wear any brown shoes they wanted and since they can more than likely use them again since they're brown they are also paying for those. I am giving them jewelry as part of their gifts and I don't think any of them will pay to have their makeup done.

fickrj5 · March 2010

Thanks ladies for all the thoughts. I really appreciate it! When I said responsibilities I meant what they would need to pay for. Do you think that that is something I should leave out of the requests? I just feel that I would want to know what I was responsible to pay for in the beginning, rather than be blind sided or given too short notice, I would never decline a friend due to cost, but I would still like to know ahead of time to plan my finances accordingly. So is letting them know what they will be responsible for okay to put in the bridal party requests or should I inform them at a later time? Stil new to all of this, so I really appreciate all your tips and advice.

chayer227 · March 2010

Ok, now that you've clarified, I'm on board with you.
Knowing what they need to budget for up front is a great thing. I'm not sure what you mean by "bridal party requests" - is this your way of asking them to be your bridesmaids? I would just ask, and work out details soon, but separately.

And, I do also agree that one should not accept an invitation to be a part of someone's wedding if they aren't interested/emotionally invested to celebrate fully, however, it shouldn't be expected.

fickrj5 · March 2010

My bridal party is already aware of who they are, but I wanted to do little fun requests for them, I am just going to send them little cards saying "will you be my bridesmaid". I've seen some other people do them, and I think it's a good way of giving your bridemaids the basics, stuff like date, colors, theme. This way they have something to reference back to (especially because 2 go to college out of state). Do you guys think that there are key things that should be included or left out of these?

MiniMin20 · March 2010

I don't know if I'd include money in a request, since I feel like that would take the fun out of it! But definitely letting them know soon would be good.

But I would make sure you are certain of what you want them to pay for before you tell them. If you intially think, for instance, that you're going to pay for their shoes but then change your mind, they might feel resentful about it. So maybe trying to give a hard and fast amount is too tough, especially since you don't know what they'll be expected to contribute to the shower or bachelorette (if anything). If you know you want them to buy a dress and shoes, maybe let them know you're hoping to keep it to a certain range or limit.

What I did was let people know that their participation was more important to me than what they were able to pay for, and that they should talk to me if they were concerned about buying the dress or anything like that, and so far they have felt comfortable talking to me about it.

I think most people expect to pay for dress and shoes, so if you want them to pay for anything else (like, a specific accessory, or mandate they get their hair done and they have to pay for it), I would let them know that as soon as you know it, since they may not be expecting it.

mikell22 · May 2010

My two bridesmaids are my sisters. They are each paying for their dresses and shoes, or rather my mom is paying for them!! My mom is also paying for all of us to get our hair and make up done th day of the wedding. I am covering the cost of my extravagant bachelorette party, because it is an extravagant weeekend in NYC to see Sex and the City 2 and I knew they could not attend if I didn't pay for it for them. Since I want them to enjoy it I orffered to pay for our Hotel and tickets in the city, they only have to pay to get there and any personal items they want while there. I am also purchasing their jewelry as a bridesmaids gift.

I previosulsy worked at a bridal salon and almost all the bridesmaids paid for their own gown/shoes. Generally this is the case. Only on occasion did an affluent bride pay for all of the dresses and accessories, as this would be often several thousand dollars!! So most bm expect to pay for their gown and shoes/ accessories.

The bridesmaids and what are you paying for

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