Having doubts about our wedding planner while deployed...advice?

AmeliaB0728 · September 2011

(Kind of long, sorry!) My husband and I are both deployed. It was a sudden deployment, so we did a an intimate, very quiet JOP ceremony before we left with the intention of having a bigger wedding when we get back. I spent a month and a half trying to plan on my own, and then realized there was no way I could do my job and plan our wedding. So I hired a wedding planner.

She came well recommended, has good reviews online, and she offers a military discount. I talked with her over the phone and by email and decided to hire her.

Almost right after I paid her the retainer fee and signed the contract, her email response time slowed down considerably. I'm talking from getting a response within 1-2 days to waiting 4-5 days for a response to the latest of waiting 9 days. I've called her on it, and let her know (nicely) that I'm concerned about her email response times. Normally I wouldn't stress about not responding to an email, but this is our primary means of communication.

So here's my questiom and my call for advice/personal experiences to all you ladies out there-- have any of you worked with a wedding planner before (whether while deployed or LD), and if so...is this normal behavior? What were your experiences like? Should I be as worried as I am, or am I being too much of a control freak?

TeamBaby · September 2011

It depends. When is your wedding? If it's within a few months, then yes, I would be worried, however if it's like a year out, don't stress. I used a wedding coordinator since I was planning from out of state and there were a few times in the beginning where I thought she wasn't responding as quickly as I would like, but in the big scheme of things, I realized that I was asking her questions on pretty minor things (although at the time I thought they were SO important) and it was still 8 months out.

If she's good and comes highly recommended, she's probably pretty busy right now since it's still technically wedding season. She's probably not going to be as involved (on your timeline) until about 4 months out from your wedding. She'll be working things behind the scenes, but as far as all the details go, those things can wait til later on. I wouldn't stress just yet.

SamiJoeB · September 2011

I think maybe you should give her the benefit of the doubt. Like PP said, if your vow renewal is still pretty far out, then there's no reason to stress yet. Plus, if she comes really highly recommended, she probably has other clients, who's weddings/VR are in the next few months. Wedding season used to be like May-September, but It's pretty much a year around thing now. What's pressing to you at this point, could quite possibly not even be a blip on her radar yet (and she's the professional right?) I think you're being a bit controlling, but It's understandable because you are basically handing this woman almost complete control of your VR, which will probably be one of the most important days of your life. You're a braver woman that I was. I was 4 hours away, and while we took advantage of the on site wedding coordinator, I was still there almost every weekend.. (every weekend I didn't have duty that is!!

)

calindi · September 2011

Today was also the busiest wedding day of the year (9/10/11 - people love those cutesy dates). So if you still have some time, and the questions aren't time sensitive, try to be patient. If it is urgent, enlist the help of a friend or family member state-side who has more time to hunt down your planner and keep her on task. FYI - around these parts, to avoid confusion and to dissuade lurkers who believe in getting married in secret for benefits and then having a faux wedding later where some or all of the guests are unaware the couple is already married, we tend to call what you're doing a vow renewal. If you have any questions about why, or the etiquette about a VR, I'm sure a few of us would be happy to clarify. Just calling the ceremony and reception a "wedding" will often ruffle some feathers around here. Just a friendly tip!

AmeliaB0728 · September 2011

Hi everyone! Thanks so much for all the great advice. I'll go back to not stressing about it.

AmeliaB0728 · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_having-doubts-wedding-planner-deployedadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:6ca07eb1-ba57-4aca-8923-f8e29370cfcfPost:ede7a15d-4c8b-4521-8955-16b21647a1d5">Re: Having doubts about our wedding planner while deployed...advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]FYI - around these parts, to avoid confusion and to dissuade lurkers who believe in <strong>getting married in secret for benefits</strong> and then having a <strong>faux wedding later</strong> where some or all of the guests are unaware the couple is already married, we tend to call what you're doing a vow renewal. If you have any questions about why, or the etiquette about a VR, I'm sure a few of us would be happy to clarify. Just calling the ceremony and reception a "wedding" will often ruffle some feathers around here. Just a friendly tip!
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

@calindi-- Thanks for the friendly tip! I've never been one of those people who are obsessed about weddings, so this planning process has def made for some interesting reading.

I do have to say I was shocked at how awful you made our plans sound. Getting married in secret for benefits?? A faux wedding later??? Yikes. So I did some research on the subject and asked my bridesmaids (since they know us and our situation) if they considered our second wedding to be as tacky as you made it sound. (BTW- I know you weren't trying to mean...I fully took it as well-intentioned advice.)

One of my bridesmaid's advice is something I feel I should share for the community as a whole and especially for any military couple who are making similar plans, especially after reading some of the horrible and rude comments other Knotties have written. This is what she wrote:
<span class="commentBody">"You're married in the civil side (in the eyes of the state) which means the state recognized your marriage. What we are talking about is a wedding, where the church and family and friends get together to acknowledge the wedding and have a great big party!!! This is so a "real" wedding!!!"

I can see why some people would get so offended by the difference between a VR and a wedding. I think if my husband and I had been home for the first year of our marriage, living together and all that and then decided to have a VR and call it a wedding, you would be justified in calling me out on it. If we had gotten married in secret for the military benefits (as I know military couples have done...and on that, can I just say...UGH!!), and then presented a VR as a wedding just to get gifts, etc, yah, that would be tacky, dishonest, and all the other things people have said it is. Haha, i do have to say though...anyone who would spend thousands of dollars on a "faux wedding" just to get gifts and have a couple of parties is a complete fool.

But to call our plans for a second wedding a VR would be just as dishonest. Its not, at least not to us and not to our family or friends. We are legally married in the eyes of the state, yes, and I take those vows very seriously. But to us, that was only the first part of becoming fully married heart and soul, because for us, we need also to have a public wedding with our family and friends present. This also holds true, even for traditional marriage ceremonies. The bride and groom have a public ceremony with an officiant, but they aren't legally married until they sign the wedding certificate. What's so wrong about doing a reversal of that?

If any of our friends and family doesn't want to give us a gift (uhhh...BFD...not what a wedding's about) or is so offended by us calling it a wedding because they didn't get to see our (private) first ceremony that they don't come...well, then its their loss.

So despite your well-intentioned advice, I'm going to keep calling my second wedding just that. We know that we aren't lying to or cheating any of our friends and family....so should we be forced to forgo having a "real" wedding or forced to call our second wedding by another name simply because society insists? Nope. Quite frankly, I am so happy that I have the opportunity to get married twice to the same man in the way we did and will: once privately and once publically. And I'm also happy that you made the comment you did, because its given me the chance to verbalize what I've known all along. </span>

KendallR10 · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_having-doubts-wedding-planner-deployedadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:6ca07eb1-ba57-4aca-8923-f8e29370cfcfPost:71af5b46-aa0b-4185-9e14-a61659b91353">Re: Having doubts about our wedding planner while deployed...advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Having doubts about our wedding planner while deployed...advice? : @calindi-- Thanks for the friendly tip! I've never been one of those people who are obsessed about weddings, so this planning process has def made for some interesting reading. I do have to say I was shocked at how awful you made our plans sound. Getting married in secret for benefits?? A faux wedding later??? Yikes. So I did some research on the subject and asked my bridesmaids (since they know us and our situation) if they considered our second wedding to be as tacky as you made it sound. (BTW- I know you weren't trying to mean...I fully took it as well-intentioned advice.) One of my bridesmaid's advice is something I feel I should share for the community as a whole and especially for any military couple who are making similar plans, especially after reading some of the horrible and rude comments other Knotties have written. This is what she wrote: "You're married in the civil side (in the eyes of the state) which means the state recognized your marriage. What we are talking about is a wedding, where the church and family and friends get together to acknowledge the wedding and have a great big party!!! This is so a "real" wedding!!!" I can see why some people would get so offended by the difference between a VR and a wedding. I think if my husband and I had been home for the first year of our marriage, living together and all that and then decided to have a VR and call it a wedding, you would be justified in calling me out on it. If we had gotten married in secret for the military benefits (as I know military couples have done...and on that, can I just say...UGH!!), and then presented a VR as a wedding just to get gifts, etc, yah, that would be tacky, dishonest, and all the other things people have said it is. Haha, i do have to say though...anyone who would spend thousands of dollars on a "faux wedding" just to get gifts and have a couple of parties is a complete fool. But to call our plans for a second wedding a VR would be just as dishonest. Its not, at least not to us and not to our family or friends. We are legally married in the eyes of the state, yes, and I take those vows very seriously. But to us, that was only the first part of becoming fully married heart and soul, because for us, we need also to have a public wedding with our family and friends present. This also holds true, even for traditional marriage ceremonies. The bride and groom have a public ceremony with an officiant, but they aren't legally married until they sign the wedding certificate. What's so wrong about doing a reversal of that? If any of our friends and family doesn't want to give us a gift (uhhh...BFD...not what a wedding's about) or is so offended by us calling it a wedding because they didn't get to see our (private) first ceremony that they don't come...well, then its their loss. So despite your well-intentioned advice, I'm going to keep calling my second wedding just that. We know that we aren't lying to or cheating any of our friends and family....so should we be forced to forgo having a "real" wedding or forced to call our second wedding by another name simply because society insists? Nope. Quite frankly, I am so happy that I have the opportunity to get married twice to the same man in the way we did and will: once privately and once publically. And I'm also happy that you made the comment you did, because its given me the chance to verbalize what I've known all along.
Posted by AmeliaB0728[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>No matter what you want to call it. It is a VR. Not a second wedding or a public wedding. You are not marrying him again you are renewing your vows

</div>

calindi · September 2011

Wow... hmm... okay, I get a "legal wedding" and a "religious wedding". But I will always fail to understand how the day you marry your spouse isn't your "real wedding" simply because you're not wearing a big dress and partying with your friends at an open bar. I am not judging what you are doing - you're welcome to have a big party that looks and feels like a wedding, as long as your guests know that you're already married (like you said, the getting married in secret for benefits and then throwing a party later and pretending they weren't married yet is pretty judge-worthy).

All I was saying is, do what you want, around THIS BOARD girls tend to raise an eyebrow at calling a ceremony a wedding when no one is actually getting married that day. You only get married once, unless you get divorced. All I said, in a very nice way, is that there are girls who get married in secret and then don't tell anyone and then have a big faux wedding where everyone believes they are seeing people get married for the first time - it doesn't sound like that's what you're doing, so for political-correctness, at least AROUND THIS BOARD it tends to go over better to call it a vow renewal.

Eggy9293 · September 2011

I just wanted to put my two cents in here. First off, you are on the military brides section. If you are not either in the military, marrying someone in the military, or have grown up with a parent in the military you really shouldn't be here. Especially discussing something regarding deployment. Secondly, having a JOP ceremony before a sudden deployment is unbelievably common and in general is not considered a "real wedding" but instead what is often times necessary to do before one or both of you deploys, often times to war. While I understand that tons and tons of the brides on this board are way over the top with their technical terms I think you all need to take a step back and realize this woman is writing not from home but from a land she is not familiar with, with no family, possibly in a tent in the middle of a desert surrounded by locals who want her dead. So basically, to all the brides going off on her for not calling a vow renewal you need to back off and instead thank her for what she's doing. I can't even imagine being somewhere like that let alone trying to plan a wedding during it. AmeliaB I thank you for what you're doing and wish you luck with planning your WEDDING. Stay safe.

calindi · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_having-doubts-wedding-planner-deployedadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:6ca07eb1-ba57-4aca-8923-f8e29370cfcfPost:b9aa52d0-e284-44ac-855e-14dd135d7a34">Re: Having doubts about our wedding planner while deployed...advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just wanted to put my two cents in here. First off, you are on the military brides section. If you are not either in the military, marrying someone in the military, or have grown up with a parent in the military you really shouldn't be here. Especially discussing something regarding deployment. Secondly, having a JOP ceremony before a sudden deployment is unbelievably common and in general is not considered a "real wedding" but instead what is often times necessary to do before one or both of you deploys, often times to war. While I understand that tons and tons of the brides on this board are way over the top with their technical terms I think you all need to take a step back and realize this woman is writing not from home but from a land she is not familiar with, with no family, possibly in a tent in the middle of a desert surrounded by locals who want her dead. So basically, to all the brides going off on her for not calling a vow renewal you need to back off and instead thank her for what she's doing. I can't even imagine being somewhere like that let alone trying to plan a wedding during it. AmeliaB I thank you for what you're doing and wish you luck with planning your WEDDING. Stay safe.
Posted by Eggy9293[/QUOTE]

I'm marrying a Marine. But it's a public forum, and anyone is welcome.

What qualifies as a "real wedding" then, besides the day two people get married? I can see someone who is religious wanting to be married in the Church, and so then it would be a "legal wedding" and a "religious wedding", which I totally get. But what is it about a pre-deployment marriage is not "real"? If it isn't real, why do it? You get REAL tangible benefits from the military for being married. So in your words, a real wedding is the day you wear a white dress, hang out with family and friends, and have an open bar - not the day when you go from two single people to a married couple LEGALLY? If you say it's "just signing the papers", I might hit my head against a wall.

How and when someone wants to get married is totally their business, and they can celebrate it with family and friends however and whenever they want. They can wear the white dress and say vows and the whole bit. AS LONG AS THEY ARE HONEST. Starting out a marriage by deceiving your family and friends is bad. That means letting them believe you are actually getting married that day, rather than letting them know you ALREADY are married and are reaffirming your vows.

Accepting real tangible benefits from the military while not publically presenting yourself as a married couple is fraud, and can result in the service member being brought up on charges. Want to know how I know this? Because the Marine I'm marrying is training to be a JAG Officer. And has participated in similar cases. They can result in the service member being demoted or even removed from service entirely.

I don't think Amelia is doing anything wrong - it seems she's being up front with family and friends. I was just giving her a friendly tip on the preferred phrasing around here for what she's doing. But if a bride came on here who was active duty, deployed, but was planning on lying to family and friends, you better believe I'd give her the same advice. Thanking someone for their service and patting someone on the head for their bad ideas are not one and the same, and appreciating someone's service while advising them about appropriate etiquette is not mutually exclusive.

firsttimersluck · September 2011

Eggy who the heck are you directing that towards? We're all military brides, or in some way related to the military.. and it's also a public forum.. It's not "military only" It's for the support OF those serving, or those loved ones. We often have had people come to this board with a "I'm not related to the military but I have a question.. " or " my friend deployed so I was wondering... " They aren't in the military, or marrying into, but are just as welcome here.

I'm also offended by your ignorant comment about "surrounded by locals who want her dead"
wtf is that about?! That was an incredibly bigoted comment. I don't want every middle eastern person in the US dead, nor do I think all middle eastern people want Americans dead. Watch the generalization there buddy. "possibly" doesn't change the fact that that was generalized. That was just a rude rude comment.

I have nothing to add to this sticky-situation thread.. I would rather stay out of it, however
OP I do wish you the smoothest of planning. Fi and I planned a LOT of our wedding while he was deployed and it made the time fly by for the both of us. I hope that is the same for the two of you and that you both return home safely!

AmeliaB0728 · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_having-doubts-wedding-planner-deployedadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:6ca07eb1-ba57-4aca-8923-f8e29370cfcfPost:2671be07-f4cb-4a16-8688-266470f1313c">Re: Having doubts about our wedding planner while deployed...advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Having doubts about our wedding planner while deployed...advice? : Want to know how I know this? Because the Marine I'm marrying is training to be a JAG Officer. And has participated in similar cases. Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

Since you gave me a head's up, I'm going to return the favor. One, you are not a JAG officer and should not be dispensing legal advice concerning UCMJ. Please leave that to the professionals who have completed the training. Second, if your FI is discussing potential, ongoing or closed investigations with you (a civilan who has no connection or right to the protected information of those cases), he is jeopardizing not only his career, but also those investigations and his freedom. Third, if your FI is going to discuss that information with you (as it appears he already does), the very last place you should be blasting that fact is in a public forum like this one. Just a friendly tip!

AmeliaB0728 · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_having-doubts-wedding-planner-deployedadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:6ca07eb1-ba57-4aca-8923-f8e29370cfcfPost:4c9bc6ad-0ee2-48f3-b722-ba4699c063b9">Re: Having doubts about our wedding planner while deployed...advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm also offended by your ignorant comment about "surrounded by locals who want her dead" wtf is that about?! That was an incredibly bigoted comment. I don't want every middle eastern person in the US dead, nor do I think all middle eastern people want Americans dead. Watch the generalization there buddy. "possibly" doesn't change the fact that that was generalized. That was just a rude rude comment. I have nothing to add to this sticky-situation thread.. I would rather stay out of it, however OP I do wish you the smoothest of planning. Fi and I planned a LOT of our wedding while he was deployed and it made the time fly by for the both of us. I hope that is the same for the two of you and that you both return home safely!
Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]

ummm...actually, Eggy pretty much hit the nail on the head. You're right, not all Middle Eastern people want Americans dead. I've worked with some courageous local nationals who are standing up to make their country a better place, and I've met many more LNs who are simply normal civilians caught in a terrible situation. The people who have such an all-consuming hatred as to want all Americans dead is a very, very small population of the overall Middle East. The fact remains, however, that there are a large number of people who are neutral in their feelings regarding Americans in their country. When you combine that neutrality with poverty, illiteracy, misconceptions, misguidance, and certain cultural factors, the risk to American lives goes up considerably. If you were in the situation (God forbid) where you would have to choose between risking having your entire family murdered and turning a blind eye to an IED being buried...what would you choose? As Americans, our culture, society, and hell, the last ten years would choose the first, because we know we have the security infrastructure and support to minimize the threatened risk to our family. In Afghanistan and in Iraq, this is simply not the case.

Done preaching. Thanks for your best wishes with our planning; I'm glad to hear you guys made it through your FI's deployment. Best of luck, and I hope you all won't have to go through another one.

calindi · September 2011

Um, sweetie, it was the head of the law center at his duty station that told me about the case of the couple who married in secret and what the potential ramifications were. With no identifying details or names, it's not against any legal ethics. But thanks for the info. And I'm not offering 'legal advice', I'm stating that it is against the military code of justice, which is public information and available for civilians or non-JAG specialists to comment on.

Your 'friendly tip' has quite a punch of attitude to it. As does your initial response. I think you're a bit on the defensive in general it seems, which is really a shame as the girls on this page are full of good advice on planning from afar, using wedding planners, and in general etiquette if you're open to it. But it seems you already think you know everything, so I fail to see why you wanted others' advice in the first place.

KendallR10 · September 2011

I'm going to side with Calindi here.You are wrong not us. I dare you to go to the E board and post this. We over here are being nice

firsttimersluck · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_having-doubts-wedding-planner-deployedadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:6ca07eb1-ba57-4aca-8923-f8e29370cfcfPost:117707de-c365-4232-9c03-c2c4702f59d5">Re: Having doubts about our wedding planner while deployed...advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Having doubts about our wedding planner while deployed...advice? : ummm...actually, Eggy pretty much hit the nail on the head. You're right, not all Middle Eastern people want Americans dead. I've worked with some courageous local nationals who are standing up to make their country a better place, and I've met many more LNs who are simply normal civilians caught in a terrible situation. The people who have such an all-consuming hatred as to want all Americans dead is a very, very small population of the overall Middle East. The fact remains, however, that there are a large number of people who are neutral in their feelings regarding Americans in their country. When you combine that neutrality with poverty, illiteracy, misconceptions, misguidance, and certain cultural factors, the risk to American lives goes up considerably. If you were in the situation (God forbid) where you would have to choose between risking having your entire family murdered and turning a blind eye to an IED being buried...what would you choose? As Americans, our culture, society, and hell, the last ten years would choose the first, because we know we have the security infrastructure and support to minimize the threatened risk to our family. In Afghanistan and in Iraq, this is simply not the case. Done preaching. Thanks for your best wishes with our planning; I'm glad to hear you guys made it through your FI's deployment. Best of luck, and I hope you all won't have to go through another one.
Posted by AmeliaB0728[/QUOTE]

While I understand that aspect of the Middle East, I still feel it an ignorant comment to make and stand by that. It's people that think like that that have put our soldiers over there in the first place
Thanks. He leave all the time. He actually leave the day after we get married for quite a while.. and we'll have plenty more deployments. Luckily we enjoy how it brings us closer in a different, emotional, and communication-based way. It's part of the military and we accept that, which is why it was a lot of fun to plan our wedding while he was gone.

AmeliaB0728 · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_having-doubts-wedding-planner-deployedadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:6ca07eb1-ba57-4aca-8923-f8e29370cfcfPost:807b4dc5-e5b3-479b-a775-b2cb371c5b74">Re: Having doubts about our wedding planner while deployed...advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Having doubts about our wedding planner while deployed...advice? : While I understand that aspect of the Middle East, I still feel it an ignorant comment to make and stand by that. It's people that think like that that have put our soldiers over there in the first place<strong> </strong>Thanks.<strong> </strong>He leave all the time. He actually leave the day after we get married for quite a while.. and we'll have plenty more deployments. Luckily we enjoy how it brings us closer in a different, emotional, and communication-based way. It's part of the military and we accept that, which is why it was a lot of fun to plan our wedding while he was gone.
Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]<div>
While I can't say I agree with you about the ME comment, thanks for taking the time to read what I wrote and disagree gracefully.<div>
<div>I totally feel for you, and I admire you for having such an upbeat attitude about the multiple deployments. This is our 3rd deployment where one or both of us was gone and while the deployments don't get easier, our communication and relationship is pretty amazing. Despite the distance, I still can't believe how lucky I am to be with him! If you don't mind me asking, do you and your husband do anything special to stay close? And I gotta know, how did your wedding turn out?! (Congrats, BTW!!!) </div></div></div>

firsttimersluck · September 2011

Man that would be awful to be deployed one at a time and keep missing each other. I commend you on being married to the military yourself, and with your spouse. I can't imagine that struggle. There was a moment when I filled out all the paperwork to commission into the Corps and I'm sooo glad I didn't. There is no way Fi and I would have even MET had I done that. At least with me as a civilian, I can support him through deployment. I can't imagine the difficulty of the both of you trying to support each other >_<

He's not my hubby yet

We have a week and a half to go!!! I can't believe it! Soooo close. Then he leaves.. lol.. story of the military life. I know someone that had their wedding all planned and the Navy sent him away last minute so they still had the entire wedding, but he skyped the ceremony. That sucks. I'm thankful we don't have to do that! What the planning going on your side? Anything for sure decided yet, or still all over the place? It feels a little hectic at first that's for sure.. I had no idea where to start when we first started.

We do a LOT to stay close... haha
*** WARNING***** TMI****** ok. very good. :P
We have two e-mails. When we e-mail each other on facebook, it's about our daily life, our complaints, how much we hate this person or miss each other.. all the typical stuff.
When we e-mail on our private email, it's only dirty talk. ONLY. Nothing else is allowed. It's about fantasies, what we want to do, links to possible sexy outfits that we should buy, questions about each others sexual past, etc.
And if we write back on one, we HAVE to write back on the other. It was a rule we made so that we didn't forget about one of the other. At times that made it difficult, but it was worth it. We came back knowing soooo much more about each other.
When I sent care packages, I sent picutres of things around the house, or a picture of me making the cookies that were sent in the package.. It helped him feel like he was there with me. I loved sending stupid little knick knacks that have inside jokes for us.
We're also really lucky though.. He gets a little spoiled when he deploys and is [usually] in a place that has great internet so we got to skype A LOT, which, of course, makes life easier in more ways than one

KendallR10 · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_having-doubts-wedding-planner-deployedadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:6ca07eb1-ba57-4aca-8923-f8e29370cfcfPost:9d636a2d-3d38-439f-a77b-0730c636908a">Re: Having doubts about our wedding planner while deployed...advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Kendall, watch your language. That could be considered a personal attack and against TK rules. I'll delete this as soon as you edit, k?
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]
better?

AmeliaB0728 · September 2011

[QUOTE]Man that would be awful to be deployed one at a time and keep missing each other. I commend you on being married to the military yourself, and with your spouse. I can't imagine that struggle. There was a moment when I filled out all the paperwork to commission into the Corps and I'm sooo glad I didn't. There is no way Fi and I would have even MET had I done that. At least with me as a civilian, I can support him through deployment. I can't imagine the difficulty of the both of you trying to support each other >_< He's not my hubby yet :) We have a week and a half to go!!! I can't believe it! Soooo close. Then he leaves.. lol.. story of the military life. I know someone that had their wedding all planned and the Navy sent him away last minute so they still had the entire wedding, but he skyped the ceremony. That sucks. I'm thankful we don't have to do that! What the planning going on your side? Anything for sure decided yet, or still all over the place? It feels a little hectic at first that's for sure.. I had no idea where to start when we first started. We do a LOT to stay close... haha *** WARNING***** TMI****** ok. very good. :P We have two e-mails. When we e-mail each other on facebook, it's about our daily life, our complaints, how much we hate this person or miss each other.. all the typical stuff. When we e-mail on our private email, it's only dirty talk. ONLY. Nothing else is allowed. It's about fantasies, what we want to do, links to possible sexy outfits that we should buy, questions about each others sexual past, etc. And if we write back on one, we HAVE to write back on the other. It was a rule we made so that we didn't forget about one of the other. At times that made it difficult, but it was worth it. We came back knowing soooo much more about each other. When I sent care packages, I sent picutres of things around the house, or a picture of me making the cookies that were sent in the package.. It helped him feel like he was there with me. I loved sending stupid little knick knacks that have inside jokes for us. We're also really lucky though.. He gets a little spoiled when he deploys and is [usually] in a place that has great internet so we got to skype A LOT, which, of course, makes life easier in more ways than one ;)
Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]

Not gonna lie, I'm kind of in love with your ways of staying close to your Fi. Girl, the separate email accounts (does FB count as an email account?!) are genius. What a fun way to keep both sides of your relationship balanced! Haha, if you can't tell, I really like the idea! I write A letters, and mail them whenever I can. There's just something so romantic about writing letters. The privacy is kind of nice too. :) It sounds like you and your guy have a really solid, loving, balanced, mutually supportive relationship- I am really happy for you both.

I'm glad you made the right choice about going the military and got to meet you FI!! Le sigh, I love romantic stories. How did you meet? It was the opposite for me- I wouldn't have met A if I hadn't joined. For me, its actually kind of nice being dual-military. We have the same MOS, we're both NCOs...our relationship has a completely different dynamic compared to the relationships I had with civilian dudes. I guess I have a hard time talking about the military and what I've experienced with civilians...IDK, there's always this <em>look</em>that people get in their eyes when I talk about my job, my deployments, just being in the military, especially if all they have to go off of is some war documentaries and the news. And when that look is there with someone you're trying to date...no fun. Then there are the people who's brother/cousin/bestfriend/dad is/was in the military, which according to them means they're <em>basically</em> in the military so they know <em>exactly </em>where I'm coming from. No joke, there was one guy I met who spent 2 hours talking about all the BAMF stuff his brother did as a PJ like he was the PJ...and when I asked him if he was going to join, he was like, "no, my whole family's military so you know...close enough". Oh-kay then. I'm just trying to say that its nice to be all of who I am with A. I'm able to talk to him about the frustrations I face, go to him for advice, and share the victories and accomplishments, without having to censor myself or stop to explain acronyms or worry that he'll misinterpet the relationship I have with guys on my team...you know. Being married while on this deployment has made a huge difference--especially in the support we receive from our COC. DADT is in full effect when it comes to dating/engaged military couples...partially why we got married. Haha, it def wasn't for financial benefits (we're actually making the exact same amount of money that we did before we got married).

The planning is going well, I think? I relaxed about Colleen (our wedding planner), and decided to trust her reputation. We haven't picked a venue yet, but we're narrowing it down. We've got our colors and a general theme/ idea for the decor and feel. I DIY'd the invites and RSVPs, but still pulling together addresses. Our guest list is pretty much finalized. I've got a good idea of what I'm doing for BM gifts and their dresses...but I prob won't finalize that until next year. I feel like there's so much I can't really DO until we have the venue! Argh, haha. What kind of ceremony are you planning?

firsttimersluck · September 2011

haha Yes facebook counts. That's what our 'daily' email is. :] I am not a fan of writing letters, personally... The effort... blah.. haha! But I try to write about two a month because I know he loves getting cards and letters over there.
Was it hard for you both to write actual letters when you both were deployed at the same time? I feel like that could get confusing and messy if you move around a lot.

I know what you mean.. in a different way. I'm a military brat. I was born on an air force base, have gone to DODD schools all my life, all over the place, and spent most of my schooling on an Army post in Germany. I now have a difficult time making friends with people that aren't either IN the military or a military brat. So many people grew up in the same little town with mommy and daddy home every night.. Well I didn't have that. I love the way I grew up, but there is definitely a disconnect there. When I met Fi, I knew more about the military than he did, and he's the one IN it. lol.
Oh man I totally know what you mean about the movie/documentary stuff too... I get questions all the time as a spouse because of the "Army wives" show (I keep my distance from the spouses in our squadron, and we live a good 45 minutes from out base) and Fi even admits that when he joined he had no idea there was a different between e and o, and thought he was an e for the longest time. lol. Because in the war movies they tend to allstart off as e's and get promoted up to os. Too funny.. What a dork. I grew up trying to get off base before the bugle sounded, going to the far too many 21gun salutes

( I lived in Germany with 1st ID when the iraq war first started), I did JROTC in high school and a little bit of ROTC in college. Fi didn't understand any of this.. He didn't do ROTC in college, just went to OCS. Sometimes when we talk about growing up he just looks at me with a glaze over his eyes. I know a lot of people don't want to have kids while in the military, but I loved it. I wouldn't have wanted to be raised any other way. (ok.. sorry for the tangent :P )

Having you both be in the military, I assumed you wouldn't get married for much of the benefits, haha! I mean.. you both have tricare already and BAH is what it is if you marry military.. sooo.. :P yup. I'm so glad your COC has been supportive. We have a couple couples in our squadron, and a couple that is in separate squadrons but on this base.. I know the COC can be really hit and miss. Especially during deployment.. I like hearing positive stories, after hearing so many negative ones.

Aw I'm glad the planning is going.

Wedding planners and vendors stay so busy that they know you are there, they just like to do a bunch of stuff at once, and then talk to you, a bunch more stuff, and talk to you, etc... So it's not an email for one little question ya know? We booked our caterer about 4 months ago, the wedding is next week, and I just not heard from her. It's just the way they work. I'm not worried about it.. I know it's hard not to stress since you're so far away, but it'll piece together

Yeah the venue takes forever.. But once you have that piece of the puzzle, everything else just starts falling into place. That's how it was for us anyway... The moment we had the venue (which took for.ev.er. lol) we found and booked all other vendors within a month of that.
Fi and I are not religious in any sense of the word. We're not (which is why a lot of people don't care for us in the squadron.. yay... lol) Our ceremony is very non-denominational, non-religious, more focused on just us as a couple, and the journey and adventures we will have together. Our unity ceremony is going to be done with combining coffee beans (will explain in a minute

) and my mom is walking me down the aisle. Fi will be stomping the glass for his Hebrew heritage, but that's about it. It'll be more just a lovey ceremony. What about you guys?

So we met at a Starbucks. I used to work for the company and was there studying one day. He came in to study as well (I think he studies more than I do :P ) and we caught each other's eyes... I knew he was military immediately so when I was chatting with couple (while helping them get connected to the internet) they asked how I moved to the area and I mentioned "Oh I'm a military brat so when I chose a college in the states, I picked on here since I have more family here... " The moment the couple left, he took the bait. Asked about my military-brat experience, what branch my parents work for, etc... We talked for over 3 hours that night, he's the first guy I've ever given my number to, prior to KNOWING them, and after our oh.. 3rd date or so, we were inseparable. He had just bought a house and as a "date" I helped him unpack everything.. and he just never let me leave. :] I moved in with him so early, but we both say it's the best decision we have ever made. He's the best roommate ever.
Hence, the coffee bean unity ceremony. :]

I noticed you used the term "MOS". I didn't realize, but are you two Marines? Did I miss that part of this thread? I dated a Marine and he's the only one I have ever heard use that term, so just curious.

Mhiett1012 · September 2011

I am also deployed with my fiancé....we didn't get married before we got here he actually proposed here. I just hired a wedding planner to! Not many ppl understand and they can ramble about the word "wedding", LN who want to kill us, war, and politics but remember you don't have to listen to ignorant comments.... Back to your question...tell her she came highly recommended and you expected more... Then tell her what you expect. Kill her with kindness and if that doesn't work remind her she needs to live up to her part of the agreement or you won't live up to yours (aka payment)! Good luck at your wedding ( you can call it that if you decided to get married 5 different times)!!! Stay safe!

Having doubts about our wedding planner while deployed...advice?

Re: Having doubts about our wedding planner while deployed...advice?

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