Flaky Groomsman!!!

PonyMaid · December 2009

HELP!!! I need some reassurance or advice or something! One of my FI GM is SUPER FLAKY!!! He is repeatedly bailing out on invites to parties of ours and get togethers (football, dinner, etc). He starts off assuring us that he will come and waits til the day of to not show up! He doesn't even call to let us know he just doesn't show! It makes me very very nervous that on our WD he will do the same! My FI says he will talk to him about it and he is worried also. I have no doubt that he will indeed talk to him but I am afraid he will just assure him "I'll be there!" and not show!

banana468 · December 2009

First, remember that while this is you and your FI's wedding, his groomsmen are for him to worry about. If anything needs to be said to him, it's going to come from your FI.

That said, the average flaky guy knows that you don't bail on a wedding.

If the absolute worst thing happens and he doesn't show though, it'll be fine. No, it's not a cool thing if he does it, but it's not something that will prevent the wedding from not taking place. Just relax and go with the flow.

mbcdefg · December 2009

1. There's a difference between not showing up to a football game and not showing up to a guy's wedding when you're in the wedding party.

2. Let your FI handle this, and stay out of it. Otherwise you risk coming across as the naggy wife.

3. If he doesn't show up on the wedding day (which I doubt will happen), so what? Just go on without him. It's really not that big a deal. I won't deny that I'd also be mad and probably would distance myself from someone who skipped my wedding after promising to be a wedding party member, but I'm saying that on the actual wedding day it won't ruin things ... if you have an uneven number of groomsmen to bridesmaids, just have two bridesmaids walk with one lucky groomsman. If he's in the program and people ask where he is (which I doubt), just say that he couldn't make it.

But I am betting he'll be there. If you need him ready by 2 p.m., tell him that he has to get there at 1 p.m so that you build in a cushion. Stop worrying about it.

gottahavashorti · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_flaky-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1d9b94b2-46d1-4d2b-8f79-050d9412d34ePost:bf7f5a3b-6724-4b6e-b8a9-3a1803c35a2a">Flaky Groomsman!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]HELP!!! I need some reassurance or advice or something! One of my FI GM is SUPER FLAKY!!! He is repeatedly bailing out on invites to parties of ours and get togethers (football, dinner, etc). He starts off assuring us that he will come and waits til the day of to not show up! He doesn't even call to let us know he just doesn't show! It makes me very very nervous that on our WD he will do the same! My FI says he will talk to him about it and he is worried also. I have no doubt that he will indeed talk to him but I am afraid he will just assure him "I'll be there!" and not show!
Posted by PonyMaid[/QUOTE]

Really, now?

Canceling plans without any reason, running 15+ minutes late without calling, and not showing up without calling are major pet peeves of mine. I will stop making an effort to initiate plans with friends who do those things repeatedly. However, I've still got to say don't worry about it for this one. He probably shows up for weddings, graduations and other large events. If not, at least you know now that you'll find out the day of whether he's in the wedding.

PonyMaid · December 2009

Thanks! your both right about letting FI handle this. I appreciate the sound advice coming from someone who can look at it without the "I'm freaking out" perspective! haha And you are also correct about if he doesn't show. SO WHAT!? It will be a great day and it will be him that has missed out! Hope I didn't sound too unreasonable!

aerinpegadrak · December 2009

What's the worst that could happen if he doesn't show? You'll rework your processional and recessional. Big deal.

Don't worry about it. It sucks that he's flaking out on plans, but maybe something else is going on with him. If he doesn't show up the day of (which I doubt, no matter how flaky he is; a wedding is a slightly bigger deal than plans to hang out), just roll with it, enjoy your day, and deal with it afterward.

banana468 · December 2009

You're not unreasonable!

It makes sense that when you put a lot of effort into your wedding that you expect people to hold up their end of the deal.

But remember, it's your GM's loss if he's a lousy friend that day. Your FI gets a fantastic reward in a pretty dress regardless of whether or not his friend is there. :-)

rainedrop6 · December 2009

I'm not sure how long your GM and FI have been friends but honestly, I suggest not being friends with him anymore. I know it's hard to cut ties and it might seem harsh but it's extremely disrespectful to tell someone you are going to do something with them and not show up. Especially if it happens frequentlly. It sounds like he might not value the friendship as much as your FI does.

My FI and I both agree on this issue in our life. If we make plans with someone and they don't show up, the friendship is over (of course an accident or some other major emergency is understandable but with cell phones and texting there's really not many good excuses not to let us know). All our friends know how we feel about this issue so we never have the problem.

When I moved to NC, I was shocked how common it was here that people bailed out without calling (never really happened when I lived in Buffalo). I'd hear people complain about it all the time. The very 1st friend I made here back in 1994 did that to me a couple times. One night I was late to meet her and got into a car accident on the way because I was rushing (I don't like to be late and accident was completely my fault). I was so worried she was at the bar alone that as soon as I could, I called the bar (no cells back them) and she wasn't there. Next morning, I called her to apologize and found out she never even showed up because she "was busy". I let her know I didn't appreciate being stood up (again not the first time) and we never spoke again. From that day I decided that was a friendship dealbreaker for me and I wouldn't be friends with people who did it (coincidence FI feel the same way).

P.S. Sorry so long, agree with Gotta (major pet peeve). Also that FI needs to handle.

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

I think we share a GM. One of my DH's friends is like that. He'll make plans to meet up, and bails all the time. It annoys the crap out of me. He also called me 3 days before our wedding to figure out hotel info (way too late) and never RSVPed. But he is DH's friend, not mine, so I stay out of it.

He did show up for the wedding, though. He got to our house in the middle of the morning on the day of the rehearsal. He stayed with my DH all day Friday running errands and shuttling people from the airport, then came to the rehearsal with him, and was there and engaged through the whole wedding day. He even went to the after party. I think something got through his flaky head about how important it was.

Anyway, my DH has been friends with him for years. DH likes him in spite of his flaky nature. I would never suggest that he should stop being friends with this guy because of it. That's terrible advice!

Also, if this dude isn't usually flaky, there's probably something going on in his life. If that's the case, maybe you could suggest to FI that he should ask his friend if everything is cool.

jeannigirl · December 2009

Well if this is his nature then you just either can shake it off and move on or maybe find out what's going on with him lately. Maybe let him know that this bothers you and maybe you may just make a suggestion to have him say thanks for the invite and I'll see what happens when it gets closer in. Things can happen in people's days that may change their minds and they just may need some down time by themselves.

Maybe you can just say hey we're having a get together on such and such a day/time would love to have you be there to. If he comes great if not then hey whatever.

I think I would first of all talk with him about what's happening that he consistently is a no show for your friends get togethers, before you talk with him about your wedding fears of a no show.

emilyinchile · December 2009

OP, that's annoying of him as a friend. If he were my friend, I'd probably bring it up - but since he's FI's friend, it's up to FI to bring it up as a friend issue, not as a wedding issue because he hasn't actually done anything to affect the wedding (and only if he wants, not because you tell him to). I agree with everyone that a) if he misses the wedding, that's crappy of him but not going to ruin your day and b) even the flakiest friend will probably realize that a wedding isn't the kind of event where you just don't show up! Just breathe, and you'll be fine.

Also, rain? You don't just give bad wedding advice, you give bad life advice! I understand distancing yourself from people who always flake, but I can't imagine cutting out a good friend because of a one-time mistake. But then again I also can't imagine driving so poorly that I would get in an accident because I thought being on time was more important than my safety.

mbcdefg · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_flaky-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1d9b94b2-46d1-4d2b-8f79-050d9412d34ePost:94ad2e81-0551-4be7-928e-a2cc75e5bc99">Re: Flaky Groomsman!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, rain? You don't just give bad wedding advice, you give bad life advice! I understand distancing yourself from people who always flake, but I can't imagine cutting out a good friend because of a one-time mistake. But then again I also can't imagine driving so poorly that I would get in an accident because I thought being on time was more important than my safety.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

I think she just wanted to point out that she's SUCH a good friend that she'll hurry to the point of getting into an accident, just so she's not late and won't disappoint her friends. Because that's the kind of awesome person she is. She just wanted us all to know that.

emilyinchile · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_flaky-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1d9b94b2-46d1-4d2b-8f79-050d9412d34ePost:983d7e12-8e41-4237-83ef-1c1f560c8045">Re: Flaky Groomsman!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Flaky Groomsman!!! : I think she just wanted to point out that she's SUCH a good friend that she'll hurry to the point of getting into an accident, just so she's not late and won't disappoint her friends. Because that's the kind of awesome person she is. She just wanted us all to know that.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

Oops. Silly me, clearly went right over my head.

megk8oz · December 2009

Emily, we've been over this several times. Rain is a superior friend, and the rest of us will never live up to the golden example she expects everyone to follow.

Because let's face it, you're not a good friend, unless you constantly point out to everybody what a good friend you are.

megk8oz · December 2009

OP, this is incredibly annoying of your GM to do, and I can understand your frustrations with it.

FI's Best Man and FI were both supposed to be in our other GM's wedding last summer. The day before the wedding, Best Man called and said "I can't come to the wedding". There were some lame excuses tossed around, and everybody involved was very hurt by his actions. At that point, FI had already asked this guy to be the Best Man in our wedding, so our hands were tied on the matter. While he has since come around and apologized, thought we never did get a "real" reason why he didn't make it, the bride and groom from that wedding have forgiven him and requested that everybody try to do the same. We're all on good terms at the moment, but in the back of my mind, I am still harboring the "I'll believe it when I see it" belief in regards to him actually showing up at our own.

My wedding is a month away, I've got bigger things to worry about than if this guy shows up. He's been measured for the tux and put down the deposit (So it's really no skin off my nose if he bails). We've all (Me, FI and the mutual friends) agreed that if he doesn't, we're all done with him, since this is now his "second chance". If he does, though, then yay! Puppies and rainbows all around!

Anyway, don't call this guy out for the flakiness. These things do happen (I mean, I'm sure he's thinking since these are "small" events, it's not a big deal), and for the most part you CAN trust that a good friend won't miss something so big unless it's an emergency. And if he doesn't show up, then you still need to have fun at your wedding and not worry about it (Deal with the friendship AFTER the honeymoon).

Best of Luck!

rainedrop6 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_flaky-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1d9b94b2-46d1-4d2b-8f79-050d9412d34ePost:bf7f5a3b-6724-4b6e-b8a9-3a1803c35a2a">Flaky Groomsman!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]He is repeatedly bailing out on invites to parties of ours and get togethers (football, dinner, etc). He starts off assuring us that he will come and waits til the day of to not show up! He doesn't even call to let us know he just doesn't show! Posted by PonyMaid[/QUOTE]

I would NOT remain friends with this person. I was raised to be accountable for my actions and to do what I say I'm going to do. I would NEVER make plans with someone and "stand them up". I think its rude, disrespectful, and hurtful. To me, it says I don't value your feelings or your time. If I had an emergency and was unable to make it, I would contact my friend immediately to let them know about my situation and I expect the same in return from my friends. If you want to call common courtesy being a superior friend, then we value friendship differently.

I mentioned the accident because it was the turning point in how I deal with people who do this type of thing (It is VERY common here). That night was NOT the first time it happened with her and it wasn't "one mistake" it was becoming a pattern. I decided then that I don't want people in my life who don't value our friendship enough to make a quick phone call so I'm not left alone waiting or worried. I wasn't driving recklessly when the accident occurred but I openly admit I was running late and therefore was distracted and didn't see a car in my blind spot while changing lanes. The accident was 100% my fault.

I'm honest with my friends. They all know how I feel about this issue and they always call and let me know if plans have changed and they can't make it or if they are going to be more than a few minutes late and I do the same in return. I have no problem if someone cancels plans, even at the last minute, but just not showing up without the courtesy of a phone call or text is a deal breaker for me (again, I understand an EMERGENCY).

If telling someone they deserve to have friends who treat them respectfully and should reconsider remaining friends with those who don't is considered poor or terrible advice, then we absolutely disagree.

banana468 · December 2009

Guys, I have to side a bit on the side of raindrop here...to an extent.

If you stay friends with people who will stand you up repeatedly then you're making your bed.

However I also don't think it's being a great friend to say you'll do something and then to not do it. That's just a sign that you're either a flaky person or you just don't care.

aerinpegadrak · December 2009

If I had a friend who continually flaked out on plans, I'd certainly stop making plans with them, or at least stop being disappointed or surprised when they don't show. But I'd probably also let the friendship come to a natural end (or just get demoted to Facebook acquaintance) that way, rather than cutting them out of my life FOREVERZ. That's just overdramatic.

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