Etiquette?

fancynewbecca · July 2010

Before I get into my question, here's the background:

We have decided to have a smallish wedding, absolutely no more than 80 invitations sent. We're inviting family and close friends.

Situation 1: I was in a sorority in college and one of my sisters is getting married in a few months. I have been invited to the bachelorette party, I'm pretty sure I'm getting a shower invitation, and FI and I will be attending the wedding.

Situation 2: In addition, we will be attending a wedding in a week for FI's friends, who he hangs out with occasionally, but they aren't like, his close friends. I have been invited to both the bachelorette party and the bridal shower for the bride even though I've only met her once.

Now, I'm not planning to invite any of my sorority sisters because there are too many of them and I didn't want to choose just some of them, I thought that would be rude. And I'm not sure I want to invite FI's friends since they aren't people who he is too close with. Is it rude if I don't extand an invitation to both my sorority sister and her future husband or to FI's friends since they extended an invition to us?

What do you think? Hope this made sense )

larzhope04 · July 2010

In my opinion it is absolutely up to you who you invite to your wedding. I expect to get several invitations to wedding from my friends from grad school and high school over the next year and I don't plan to invite any of them. As long as you are consistent and fair (which it sounds like you are - I think your logic is sound in not inviting any of your sorority sisters, especially if you aren't super close with any of them), then if people ask, just be transparent and say it was important to you to have a very small wedding and leave it at that.

jennuinne · July 2010

Etiquette-wise, you don't have any obligations to invite people just b/c they invited you...especially if they are having bigger weddings than you. Its up to you to decide if you feel you need to invite them b/c of obligation or hurt feelings or whatever, but that's your decision.

As for sorority sisters, I think you could invite a few that you are closest to w/o inviting everyone, depending on your relationships. I'm only inviting 2, one is one of my best friends and the other was my "big" and they are the only 2 that I hang out w/ now outside of sorority or group events. With all things guest list, its your call and you know your friends and family better than any of us so our advice is limited.

Koolkay83 · July 2010

It is totally up to you. In my opinion, FI and I invited close family and close friends an kept the wedding small.

carrieoz_76 · July 2010

Ditto PP - etiquette doesn't require quid pro quo on invitations. You just invite who you can according to your budget, and try not to offend too many people.

So it's totally your call.

Tygirljojo · July 2010

Ditto Jennuinne. FWIW, I have a couple situations similar to the two you presented.

Situation #1 - I have an old friend who, while we maintain contact, we are both busy with our lives. She's actually getting married a couple weeks after we are but she also planned her wedding in 3 months. We sent her and her FI an invite and she attended my shower but said she couldn't come to our wedding which I totally understand. We aren't invited to her wedding which didn't surprise me since she made it clear that they are having a VERY small and casual wedding (sounds like less than 50 people) and I'm not offended - weddings are expensive! We plan to meet up this fall to hang out, catch up, swap pictures,etc.

Situation #2 - One of FI's friends has a GF who is his FI. I'm totally fine with her, we see each other and mutual friends' parties etc. I invited her to the bachelorette party, she declined which is totally fine. Maybe she was busy, maybe she didn't feel she knew me well enough, either way, I'm not offended. I didn't invite her to the shower since we aren't that close and didn't want to seem gift grabby.

melissa82 · July 2010

I think they would definitely understand if you mention you're having a very small wedding. (Although when you say 80 invitations...do you mean 80 people invited or 80 actual invitations, which could be 160 people or more?)

Knowing myself though, I'd probably feel obligated to send an invitation to people whose wedding I attended. If they invited us and we declined, I'd feel OK about not inviting them though. But that's just me...you're definitely not wrong if you don't.

fancynewbecca · July 2010

Oh yeah, no more than 80 people invited, including significant others and children. I'm hoping it will be smaller than that even

)

Tygirl, thanks for the perspective from the other side. And thanks everyone for your advice. I hope nobody will be offended, but maybe I'm just too worried about it! Sometimes I feel like planning this wedding is more about making it great for everyone else and less about FI and I. Ugh. I wanted City Hall... but I'm sure I will be happy I didn't go that way!

carrieoz_76 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_washington-seattle_ettiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:104Discussion:cb3d9150-93ef-47fb-acd2-0d17828acde0Post:e92831ae-b51f-4b4f-a451-ae620eb50266">Re: Etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE] I hope nobody will be offended, but maybe I'm just too worried about it!
Posted by fancynewbecca[/QUOTE]
Someone will probably be offended no matter what you do. You just can't let that bother you too much. :)<div>
</div><div>All you can do is be gracious and courteous in your planning. But size of the wedding is something you and your FI are definitely the final say on, so you just have to put aside any worry about people being offended if they're not invited.</div>

BrandyL10 · July 2010

I agree with others, it's up to you, but I say stick with what you've got. You want a small wedding with CLOSE family and friends. Just because you're invited to their weddings/bach parties/showers, etc. doesn't mean you have to reciprocate.
Example, I invited a girl friend to mine, hers is 2 weeks before mine but I wasn't invited to hers. My feelings weren't hurt, we just haven't spent as much time together in the last few years as we would have liked and she's having a smaller wedding than me.
So don't invite them. I think it would then turn more into a pity invite than a 'hey, you're one of the first people that crossed my mind' invite. Make sense?
Good luck!

mgoss228 · July 2010

I agree with all the other posts. You don't have to invite your sorority sisters or FI's sorta friend. You are having a small wedding, it's fine!

Just make sure not to talk about your wedding to those you aren't inviting. Only talk about it if they ask questions/make small talk about your wedding.

Etiquette?

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