2nd Wedding Guest List

daffydillie · August 2012

I figured I would ask the Etiquette goddess before I really react at all to this situation.

I was married 4 years ago. My marraige lasted 5 months. Turns out he was cheating excessively during our whole 5 year relationship and quit his job to date on the side while I was at work. Him and his family played me pretty hard to "profit" from our marriage and finally was finalized a few months ago. We fought out our divorce for over 3 years. Well, he did I didnt want/fight for anything. His family hired attorneys trying to get my inheritance and my family's business. They spent a lot of money to get about a mountain of debt. Turns out the court does not look highly of a man walking out on his new wife while she was pregnant to get another married woman pregnant. Nor was him living with a different girl with twins on the way work out very well for him either. Such is life.

But anyways, My mom, her family, and my siblings never attended my first wedding because I did not get married in a church and my exH was an atheist. I invited them all anyways because I was trying to be polite. They all declined and I sent them all a letter and a wedding picture. And life went on. I lost everyone's addreses when my house burnt down so I had not sent out any Christmas cards or anything but reconnected with much of my mom's family on Facebook.

So, I was talking to my mom tonight because I wanted to get Save the Dates out before I left for school this fall. She coped a huge attitude with me saying about how I just had a huge wedding and she highly doubts anyone would attend "again." WTF? No one went the first time. I went through my church and had my prior marriage annulled, FI and I are attending the premarital classes, and doing things "right" this time both spiritually and fiscally. We even go to financial planning classes to prepare for marriage.

My question is, is it poor etiquette to invite my mom's family even though I know they will not attend? I was going to start emailing and Facebooking for addresses next week because not only do I need addresses for wedding stuff but I do usually send Christmas and birthday cards. I figured I would just invite them and when they declined send each a letter with a picture to update my address with them. I usually try to write everyone around the holidays and birthdays but Facebook has made it easier to stay in touch.

Not really sure how to approach it. I am just really disgusted with my mother. I would much rather elope, send out announcements, call it a day but FI wants a big wedding and its his wedding too.

Kristin789 · August 2012

First of all, stop being so angry with your mom.
You're not the only person who went through this surprise/hell for the last four years.
Probably everyone, Mom included, was so excited that you were getting married, then having kids, and then everything fell apart.
I think things are very hard for the daughter going through this, but probablly harder on the Mom who has to go through it too- but no one really understands how much HER heart breaks too.

And now she is just scared to death that this - or something else - is going to happen to you again, and she knows that there's NOTHING she can do to prevent it or control it - so she'd like to REDUCE this whole thing so that the pain is REDUCED if something DOES happen.

You need to spend some time with your mom, and try hard to look at this whole last four years from HER perspective. Then realize that she is trying to say that she just loves you and would rather you stayed single and celibate for the rest of your life, but she's trying to deal with the very different choices you are making now.

DramaGeek · August 2012

I would ask for addresses by saying you need to update/replace your address book. And you are well within your rights to invite or not whomever you choose.

daffydillie · August 2012

I am sincerely just asking on what etiquette dictates here. You are making a ton of assumptions about my mom that I promise you are false. And I am not angry at her at all, she is making this decision for herself and I just associate with her only because she is my mother and keep contact to a minimum. I have some pretty good reasons for that and probably doing more than most people would in my situation.

She was not excited about my first marriage at all and did not go. I also cannot have children.

I am disgusted with her antics. She acts like the loving mother on Facebook. But in reality she really is not. She pretends like she cares about me and has been there all my life and she had definitely not been. I was a foster kid.

*un-needed snark. didnt intend to be so rude.

daffydillie · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-wedding-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cc170f58-f054-4d08-8927-91bb3a08499cPost:96b4f270-acf8-431b-a3df-d3b9d36f1c0f">Re:2nd Wedding Guest List</a>:
[QUOTE]I would ask for addresses by saying you need to update/replace your address book. And you are well within your rights to invite or not whomever you choose.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

Thanks Drama. I just want to invite them incase they would like to come and dont feel slighted since I am inviting all of my dads family. I just did not want it come across as rude.

Avion22 · August 2012

Etiquette-wise, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a big second-wedding and inviting whoever you want. They might decline, but you might just be surprised at how happy everyone is that you have found such a wonderful man this time.

I agree -- updating your address book is a great reason to get family members' addresses. Go ahead and get the addresses, and invite them if you want them there. Let them decide if they will attend. At least you will be reaching out to them.

jessicabessica · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-wedding-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cc170f58-f054-4d08-8927-91bb3a08499cPost:67a71561-909e-47e0-92e1-531c3eb05c24">Re:2nd Wedding Guest List</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:2nd Wedding Guest List : Thanks Drama. I just want to invite them incase they would like to come and dont feel slighted since I am inviting all of my dads family. I just did not want it come across as rude.
Posted by daffydillie[/QUOTE]

<div>That's what I would do. If your mom brings up the invitations again, just say, "Yeah, you've told me this already, I remember" (I wouldn't even thank her for her opinion, although that would make it nicer). Also, don't get worked up over Kristin#'s post. Not sure where/when her advice is from, but it's rarely useful (although it's sometimes hilarious).</div>

StephBeanWed61502 · August 2012

Daffy, don't let Kristin's post bother you. She posts some big hysterical thing about "your poor mother, the heartache she's been through" every single time anyone posts about conflict with their mom. At this point, I kind of figure she's had a falling out with her own kids that makes her go all crazy when someone posts something like this. And as for actual advice, I agree with the poster who suggested telling family you're updating your address book instead of mentioning the STDs. It's true anyway, and on the off chance any of them do share your mom's ideas, you'll avoid similar conversations. Also, there's nothing wrong with having a "big" second wedding.

daffydillie · August 2012

Yeah, Kristen did make me a little ragey there for a second because she sounded like the same sob story my mother says. Oh the heartache that I did not get married in her Catholic church and blah blah blah. Well, my mom has me and 3 other kids out of wedlock to a completely different man that she married outside of the church. And he is a **gasp* Presbyterian no less. She told everyone at church I was in "rehab" not what really happened so she could feel better. Imagine their surprise when I showed up at her church as a paramedic one Sunday for an emergency while I was supposed to be away at "rehab." Not to mention my mom has never gone to anything for me, my wedding, my graduation, nothing. So to me, its another event I will invite her too that she will somehow try to make all about her and have some way to attempt to play the victim and lie to everyone and say I did not invite her. Oh well.

But thanks, I am going to email everyone to update the address book. My first wedding was not that big as my mother claims it was pretty small with mostly my ex's family and it was over 2 hours away. I am getting married in my hometown this time so family and friends could actually attend if they wanted. Pretty excited. I was not excited about my first wedding at all.

PS. Kristen if that is how you talk to your children saying that your pain over a divorce is worse than their pain, I promise you they will write you right out of their lives. My mother tried that crap with me about a few of my life events. And no, there is no way that a mother's pain is any where near as severe as a person actually going through the event. She still cries like she is the victim. Take my house fire for example. Her and my ex husband cried all over the news. Guess what? It was MY house, MY stuff, and MY cat that died in the fire not them. I was homeless. I was naked. Not them.

crash2729 · August 2012

Just get the addresses. Send the STDs if you want to. It's not a subpoena, they can choose what they want to do. Etiquette wise there is nothing wrong with inviting first wedding guests to a 2nd wedding.

Winnertag1 · August 2012

Kristin's advice is insane - where did the rant about understanding how the mother is feeling even come from?

I would get the addresses & send them invitations so they know they have the option, if they dont come that's their loss.

daffydillie · August 2012

I just figured I would invite them, still anticpate they show unless they RSVP otherwise, and send a letter/pic afterwards with an address update kind of thing like I have done in the past. None of her family, her included attended the first time. Its more she claims they have a problem with me being divorced despite my former marriage was annulled. We will see what happens. I really dont want a huge wedding anyways, so if they dont show up its not the end of the world to me but at least they cant say I snubbed them.

daffydillie · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-wedding-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cc170f58-f054-4d08-8927-91bb3a08499cPost:e1b02803-b43f-49db-a93e-0c1a94aec608">Re: 2nd Wedding Guest List</a>:
[QUOTE]Kristin, you give horrible advice. Go ahead, tell me I'm unable to be independent due to my disability. Oh wait.. you did that already.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

She said that to you? Gak.

LesPaul · August 2012

OP, please ignore Kristin#s

Invite the people you want to invite, whether or not you think they will attend. If they decline, so be it. If they attend, fine. It doesn't matter that it is your second wedding.

daffydillie · August 2012

I dont blame you. Thats pretty insane.

zantster · August 2012

I would just like to encourage you to focus on inviting the people who you know support you and your FI and will be truly happy for your both on this day. I am sure that you plan to have no other weddings after this one so make sure that you two are surrounded by people that love you and want the best for you. Sometimes that can include family and sometimes not. But you definitely shouldn't feel like you have anything to prove to anyone. Nor should you feel obligated to invite family members out of a sense of duty or being polite if they continue to maintain the same unsupportive attitude they did before. Diplomacy is not required. Do whatever and invite whoever will give you the best feeling on that day with your FI.

ceceibson · August 2012

OP, I am a widow and my mother said the same thing [and my FI has been divorced for 20 years]. We invied who we want to invite. In our view, our wedding is a celebration of life going forward and has absolutely nothing to do with our pasts.

Oddly enough, one of my mother's sisters and her daughters all but begged for an invitation. I really wasn't going to invite that particularly branch of the family, simply because I rarely see them and thought it might seem gift-grabby.

I did invite aunt & cousins. Mom had a meltdown [she and her sister don't exactly get along, for no real reason as far as anyone esle can tell].

Aunt & cousin just declined.

OP, prepare yourself for plenty of drama. Sounds like mom's gonna bring it!

And good luck and best wishes to you!

angelstar975 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-wedding-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cc170f58-f054-4d08-8927-91bb3a08499cPost:d0844280-287c-4ebe-8818-4696d8b59f1e">Re: 2nd Wedding Guest List</a>:
[QUOTE]First of all, stop being so angry with your mom. You're not the only person who went through this surprise/hell for the last four years. Probably everyone, Mom included, was so excited that you were getting married, then having kids, and then everything fell apart. I think things are very hard for the daughter going through this, but probablly harder on the Mom who has to go through it too- but no one really understands how much HER heart breaks too. And now she is just scared to death that this - or something else - is going to happen to you again, and she knows that there's NOTHING she can do to prevent it or control it - so she'd like to REDUCE this whole thing so that the pain is REDUCED if something DOES happen. You need to spend some time with your mom, and try hard to look at this whole last four years from HER perspective. <strong>Then realize that she is trying to say that she just loves you and would rather you stayed single and celibate for the rest of your life, but she's trying to deal with the very different choices you are making now.</strong>
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry... what? What mother wants her children to stay single and celibate for the rest of their lives? Are you saying you wish a life of loneliness on your own children? Give me a break.

OP, there's nothing wrong with facebooking your mom's family for their addresses and inviting them to the wedding. If they don't come, they don't come.

MyUserName1 · August 2012

Daffy, if you want them there, invite them. If not, then don't. You aren't being rude either way.

daffydillie · August 2012

I really dont anticipate any of them showing up. I asked my sister to be my maid of honor (shes 16) but I am getting the impression she is not going to be allowed to attend now because I am "living in sin." The only part of all of this I feel bad for. I really love my sister and I think its crap that my mom's holier than though attitude will keep my sister from my wedding day. And if I knew my mom would dive off the deep end I would not have asked her. It sucks but my mom is going to bring the drama with full force as she always does. No big deal to me anymore, I have been dealing with it for a long time. I just wish it did not have to be this way.

And I definitely see why Kristen has her own problems. Her attitude made me wonder there for a moment if it was my mom lurking here. I really dont get how my mom even knows an iota of the pain I went through, especially since she encouraged my ex and his family to rake me through the coals. When this happened, I lost my husband, my house, my baby, my car, and everything I owned. My mom gave my ex's family money just to spite me. Not to mention she is an AW. If she would come to my wedding, I am sure she would wear a white puffy dress and bring her flavor of the week and cause a scene. I have already hired security. It was first on the list after a venue.

Laurmi · August 2012

First of all, I am so sorry for what you went through the first time around!! I'm also on my second wedding. I was married for 2 years and spent 2+ years divorcing. Sigh....

My mom also thought it was a ridiculous that I wanted a "big" wedding the second time around. It will be my fiances first, and no one really attended my first one because I was married in Aruba. Of course some people side-eye the big second wedding, but who the eff cares. You obviously want to celebrate your new found love, so go for it. As far as your mother, I'd suggest as others have, to just ask for all the addresses and if people respond that they can't go then that's ok too.

Good luck!

Laura

pearlaqua · August 2012

Whoah. Sort of unrelated, but your OP said that your ex was having an affair while you were pregant and then you said yo ucan't have children. I'm not sure why this point is so important to me, but did I misread that?

Sorry to pry...but not sorry enough to not pry? I guess?

(As to the actual question, I'm so sorry your mom is nuts. I hope your wedding is great!)

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