Help with my mom!

22yearsofwaiting · December 2010

First a little history. This will be my 3rd marriage (1st H was a cheater and 2nd H was an alcoholic) and his 2nd but heres the tricky part. We were high school sweethearts and dated for two yrs in high school. He never stopped loving me and looked for me but I was married. We reconnected and the relationship we have now is insane. We have kept it lowkey because of the blending of the families etc. We have definitely realized that we should have married each other 26 yrs ago. We are having a wedding and reception for about 75 people in a chapel. Just like my first 2 weddings, Im paying for everything (my mom paid for nothing the 1st time and only babysat my kids the night of the wedding for the 2nd one). Heres the dilemna: my mom is being very outspoken in her opinion that NOBODY should get married a 3rd time (the divorce rate increases as the # of marriages increases so why bother she says). What gets to me is she has said that my FI is perfect for me and that he was the only guy I have ever dated or been with that she has loved. She has said that she doesnt care how perfect he is that I should end it with him now and would disown me if I get married again! Help

cincychick35 · December 2010

Wow, that's a tough one! I would suggest sitting down with your Mom and saying that you love her and respect her opinion. But then also explain to her that this is YOUR life and you have to live it the way you feel comfortable. Explain that even though she doesn't feel you should get married again, ask her to be respectful of your decision.
I am guessing, in time, she will come to accept the marriage. And hey, they say the third time is the charm!
Best of luck to you!

MikesAngie · December 2010

Wow, interesting story very similar to mine. We only dated a few months when we were 15 (dang parental intervention); but were best friends until we were 21, my FI was in the Army and stationed in Germany. We lost touch the Army didn't forward or return my letters to him. Any way we are getting married about 25 years later than we should have as well.

We don't have the family conflict that you do though, both sides are all for the marriage. You both need to be a united front with your mom and ask her to respect your wishes and allow you both this chance at true marital happiness. Regardless of what statics say.

mybooboos · December 2010

Congratulations on finding Mr. Right! In wedding planning, you'll find that you cannot please everyone with everything, including the act of getting married. Explain to your mother that you love her and value her opinion, but blackmail ("I will disown you") is not a great foundation for a mother/daughter relationship. Move forward with your wedding plans, and enjoy the planning process. Your mother may or may not come around, but you shouldn't let that prevent you from grabbing the happiness that's in front of you.

Good luck!

22yearsofwaiting · December 2010

Thanks for the great words. My FI has said that he has waited for me for too long and we are getting married and that its totally up to her if she comes or not. We cant force her to come but we will be happy. MikesAngie- no parental intervention on my part (his mother loved me and still does and my mom loves him even though she is against getting married again). I have regrets because I was so young when we were together (14) and cheated on him after 2 yrs of dating (ugh I was so young and immature). After everything that happened to me through 2 marriages and 16 yrs of pain (only good thing was my 2 kids), I have so much regret for not holding on to him then. I really do love the Knot boards. Thanks for all of the support ladies!

MikesAngie · December 2010

22years of waiting - My Fi's mom loved me then but just thought at 15 we were too young to be serious. My dad passed away 9 years ago, but he always liked/loved my FI and thought we should have been together. I waited until our 10 yr high school reunion, and hearing that my FI was married before I got married...

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage to the love of your life!!!

Sue-n-Kevin · January 2011

Welcome Alison (I peeked at your bio), you are at the right board. Lots of very mature ladies here with great advice.

My fiance has been married twice before......... both times he was a "lonely Air Force" guy overseas who didn't listen to his buddies about not marrying when overseas, LOL. He has 3 kids from his marriages. I have 2 lovely "oops moments" that I'm raising, but have NEVER been married.

I have not experienced what you are from his family at all, nor mine. But the advice you've received above so far is great, and I'd just go ahead with your plans and keep your mother, and her opinions, at arm's length. Whether she comes around or not is not within your control.

In spite of this being my fiance's 3rd wedding, we are proceeding with a small (100 people) but elegant reception, with a chapel ceremony performed in a non-denominational way. You can have whatever makes your hearts happy, and proceed with your plans. Just because someone has been married before does NOT mean they can't marry the right person later.

Good luck.

right1thistime · January 2011

Allison = you have received excellent advice above. I would just ask if you have any insight into what your mother is so concerned with?

Perhaps you could ask your Mom what she's afraid of? Is she afraid of people talking about you? You can reassure her that you are able to hold your head high and be proud of your decision. Is she afriad you will be hurt again? Assure her that you feel confident and secure with this man, and that if the unfortunate occurs, you will be fine. Is she concerned for your kids? Reassure her that you have set up your world to be carefully protective of them.

And if its just how she feels then its quite easy to just dismiss her opinion as merely that -- her opinion, which has no bearing on your life. Good luck.

thealphabride · January 2011

Congrats and welcome to the board. The others gave great advice!

So I am here to say welcome and come back and post your plans.....

loriandedwin · January 2011

I don't think it matters if you have been married once, twice, five times, when you find the right one that is what matters.

22yearsofwaiting · January 2011

I think my my mom is just set in her beliefs. She stayed with my dad until I was 17 and getting ready to go to college and then they got divorced. She has been with the same man ever since (20 plus years) and they never married. She has made it clear that the statistics show the divorce rate acclerates as the number of marriages increases so why bother on number 3. The conversation came up because my kids father (the first ex hubby) is getting married for a 3rd time. When my kids told her she was so angry (not because of who he is she cannot stand him just because of the concept of a third marriage). The thing is I know I made a mistake with the first one (him cheating 12 times in 9 years proves that). I stayed with him for the kids until I just couldnt handle it anymore (my d was 6 and my son under a yr when I left). My 2nd hubby was fine in the beginning but he was an only child and very spoiled and treated the kids very badly(just was not stepfather material) Eventually he started drinking. I stayed with him longer than I should have as I know it affected the kids. I finally got smart on that one. I have not made the best choices in men and I know that. I finally find the one I should have been with all these years and just want my mom to be happy for me and it breaks my heart that she isnt. It also concerns me because when I divorced my 1st husband she was so happy she bought me the house that I live in. I live there with my kids (she lives in a different house) and pay the mortgage. Im afraid she will make me choose between him and the house I have lived in for 8 yrs (I know its a no brainer but why should I have to be put in that position). Thanks ladies

PiscesFish · January 2011

If you're still reading - it's been a few days - it's not so bad being "excommunicated" by family who aren't on board with your remarrying. This is what I'm currently dealing with myself. Don't get me wrong, it's very hurtful, but the sting kind of fades over time as you realize that you are better off without their judgementalness and drama (be honest, nobody is going to disown you over something so petty as a remarriage if they didn't have control issues to begin with) and as you fill your life with "chosen family" (a strong support system of friends).

You can't make someone support your choices, love you, or want to be part of your life. Sad but true. Whether or not your mom is serious in her threats or just venting is something only you can figure out. But regardless, "living well is the best revenge." Even if she does disown you, she'll come to look stupider (and possibly regret it) the longer and happier you and your new DH are together.

Good luck and congrats on your wedding!

22yearsofwaiting · January 2011

Thanks Pisces fish. You are right I cant control what other people thing so Im just going to go with the flow so to speak. My biggest concern is the fact that the house I live in is owned (in name only) by my mom. I love my house. It was bought by my mom after my first divorce (she was so thrilled that I got out of that one!)because my credit is bad (Ive been working on it but its still not great enough to put the house in my name). She was not thrilled when I brought my second husband into the house but she dealt with it. Knowing her feelings about third marriages, Im afraid she will make me choose between the house and the love of my life (of course I would choose my love but I also have 2 kids who have been in that house since they were 5 months and 6 yrs old). Ok I seriously hate drama!

Help with my mom!

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