what do you think of this? (NWR...marriage related though)

volleygurl0306 · June 2012

I've been taking a developmental pychology class and we've approached adulthood and it discusses divorce a lot. The divorce stats for women are ridiculous. We are less likely to remarry after divorce, we age worse (looks wise) than men, and live longer so women over 65 tend to be single and those that were divorced have been single a while (and ahve less men to pick from regularly). But, I did read that 1 to 4-5 marriages lasts over 50 years. That blew my mind because of the divorce rate. Those stats aren't that bad! Plus, it doesn't surprise me a bit that FI and I would last that long (or I wouldn't be marrying him) but it is weird to think of how we'd be 50 years from now.

I told FI about this and how he thought we'd be in 50 years. Then we started joking around last night and I don't even remember what he said but I said "ehhh check in with me in a few years and see if I still like you." Which after a few more jokes we eventually said something that turned into what I think is not a bad idea. But we were saying how every 5 years to have kinda a marriage "check up." Not meant AT ALL to bring divorce up, but more just as a way of making repairs so divorce wasn't something either of us were thinking about. We said maybe involve a counselor but just use it as a way to air out anything bottled up over the past years, to talk about what is working, to talk about things that aren't, evaluate goals, etc.

It started off as a joke but I'm really starting to think it is a great way to have a healthy marriage and keep communication open. What do you think? And is 5 years too much? Too little? I think communication needs to be an everyday thing and not always so formal but having a formal mark of 5 years is a way to check yourself.

Maybe it is just me but as the wedding approaches sometimes I am overwhelmed by feelings of "how do we make it last." It isn't a question of FI because I think if I am capable of having a lasting marriage he is def the man I could make it work with but more the question of how does anyone make it work? We can't forsee anything and divorce is too prevelant these days so I'm always thinking proactive. Anyone else think about this stuff??

sparent2010 · June 2012

I think if you let the dirty laundry pile up for 5 years you are going to be ready to say fuuuck it and leave.

One of the things we went over in premaritial counseling was airing out your dirty laundry, don't let it pile up for a week, month or year. If he does something that pisses me off I tell him that, and vice versa.

You need to have good honest communication to have trust, and trust leads to being able to share fears, and being able to share your fears will also allow you to be able to share your dreams.

QueerFemme · June 2012

Agree with sparent. I think if you wait to air stuff out for a significant period of time, that is a recipe for disaster.

We have communication very frequently... and we do often "check-ins". When either of us is upset, we approach the other and try not to be accusatory, and we leave room for the other person to not want to talk in that moment. Just because I've been stewing on something for a day, doesn't mean when I approach my sweetheart, it will be a good time to actually dig into the topic. So, I have to make sure I haven't waited so long that my head is going to explode if I don't talk RIGHT now.

egm900 · June 2012

I think it's a good idea to say let's look at our marriage every so many years and figure out how to make it better. A lot of times it's easy to let small things slip by the wayside unless you critically look at something, or it's easy to not spend as much time together or something the longer the marriage is, and you may not realize it until you sit down and actually examine it and say we need to work on spending more quality time together. I'm also with PP though that communication is an every day thing, and things need to be dealt with as they come up.

ErinW1912 · June 2012

I think 5 years to examine what you could do differently is fine but like pp have said communication is a daily thing.

For me divorce is not on option (there are only two exceptions in my mind domestic abuse or an affair) you marry this person for life. I have watched my uncle tear my family apart with four divorces. Couples do not realize the effects they have on other ppl and their lives especially their children's and close family. I have been proposed to four times and only said yes twice. The first time was right out of college and we realized 6 months into our engagement we wanted different things for our lives.

Alot of ppl make comments about my wedding saying wait both sets of parents are still married to their original spouse. It make me have hope that we can make it despite the high divorce rate

SCogs18 · June 2012

I think "checking in" is a great idea, but I think 5 years is a bit too long. Letting a problem stew for that long is going to lead to disaster. I think when you feel the need to reevaluate a hope/dream/goal/need is the time to discuss it. Put some serious personal reflection into it (say you agreed to have kids in 5 years, but 1 year into the marriage you are itching to have a baby) take a few months, think it over, and if it's still what you want/need address it. There is no need to wait for a set "evaluation period."

However, I think it is an excellent idea to be open to honestly discussing and evaluating the relationship

Katiesue04 · June 2012

I am so happy I moved in with my FI before we got married...I have learned that if something is bugging me I need to tell him. When he first started moving in I kept keeping everything in until I would eventually explode and we would have a big fight. Now I learn to talk about things when I have an issue with them and we don't end up fighting really ever anymore.

volleygurl0306 · June 2012

FI and I communicate about what works and doen't and what we think and feel daily. So I by no means meant that we only speak up every 5 years. We've lived together for over 2 years and know how important being honest is regularly. We mean it more as more formal way to reevaluate the past 5 yearS...the highs, the lows, etc..and to discuss how to make the next 5 better. Daytoday conversations have to happen but this is meant more as a "big picture" thing. It is also meant because things seem fairly easy now so why not get us in a routine of these things so when we have a tough 5 years which we will, its inevitable, it is easy to approach sitting down since it is already something we do.

what do you think of this? (NWR...marriage related though)

Re: what do you think of this? (NWR...marriage related though)

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