What to ask guests to wear?

benozzy31 · October 2012

Tried to find this, but couldn't find it all in one place.

How do you put on your wedding website (or wherever else you want to write it) what to ask your guests to wear, and what are the commonly known terms in the spectrum? Beach casual all the way up to white tie.... I'm just not sure how to phrase semiformal or whatever in our guest information. We want to invite service members or veterans to wear their dress uniforms, but I can go to my fiance for the wording on that one.

Thanks!

mommy2my3 · October 2012

If you're inviting military brothers and sisters and wanting them to wear their dress uniforms I would imagine that would be a formal affair. You can always put "black tie affair" or "black tie dress" or something like that. Or for semiformal you could say "dress shirts and ties for men and dresses, skirts and dressy pants for women"

RebeccaB88 · October 2012

You let them wear whatever they want. They're adults and can decide how to dress, whether it's appropriate or not. If it's not appropriate, they will look bad, not you.

artbyallie · October 2012

You don't tell your guests what to wear. If your venue or church has a dress code, like men must wear jackets or ladies' shoulders must be covered, you may state that. If you are having a truly black tie or white tie event (in the evening, live band, multicourse plated meal, top shelf open bar, etc) you may state that on the invitation. Any other term is too open to interpretation and will be insulting to the people who do know how to dress appropriately. The ones who don't know would ignore instructions anyway.

kmmssg · October 2012

You don't mention anything. Your invitation should set the tone of your wedding. Make sure your invitations match the formality/vibe of your wedding. The guests will take it from there.

gailpete · October 2012

You can't tell your guests what to wear. They are adults and can dress themselves. If they dress inappropriately, it is on them and won't' reflect on you. Is it frustrating if they aren't dressed as fancy as your want? Yes, but oh well.

The only exceptions are:
1. Your venue has a specific dress code (a country club that requires a jacket and tie for men).
2. You are truly having a black tie affair- multiple butler passed hot hors d'ouevres for cocktail hour, multi course plated meal, open top shelf bar, live band, evening reception, all the bells and whistles.

You can indicate the formality of your wedding by the formality of your venue, time of day of the wedding, and the formality of your invitations.

cwaggoner07 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-to-ask-guests-to-wear?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b80a248-d54f-4d2a-b2a5-7fe21add431bPost:3679230b-9bc9-4f6e-9fef-2850537ac923">Re: What to ask guests to wear?</a>:
[QUOTE]You don't mention anything. <strong> Your invitation should set the tone of your wedding. </strong> Make sure your invitations match the formality/vibe of your wedding. The guests will take it from there.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

Definitely. When people asked me the only thing I said was that they probably shouldn't wear a jacket due to it being summer in Texas, and that it would be pointless (I didn't care either way, but didn't want people to feel obligated to wear suit). But we had pretty casual invitations anyways.

benozzy31 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-to-ask-guests-to-wear?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b80a248-d54f-4d2a-b2a5-7fe21add431bPost:c95fb1df-5dfa-4d77-b5d6-0a07ac4e7ec4">Re:What to ask guests to wear?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you're inviting military brothers and sisters and wanting them to wear their dress uniforms I would imagine that would be a formal affair. You can always put "black tie affair" or "black tie dress" or something like that. Or for semiformal you could say "dress shirts and ties for men and dresses, skirts and dressy pants for women"
Posted by mommy2my3[/QUOTE]

<p>Thanks for the quick responses, everyone! I didn't realize this was a no-no; I didn't mean for it to be interpreted as I am trying to tell my guests what to wear, hopefully as adults they have it figured out by now! I was just checking if there was an appropriate way to say it is semiformal so no one comes in jeans (knowing some of my extended family...).

My fiance is a veteran of the Marine Corps and would like to wear his dress blues, so we wanted to invite others to wear their uniforms if they are comfortable doing so; but we're not pulling out so many bells and whistles that I would call it black tie.

Thanks again!
</p>

DramaGeek · October 2012

The thing is, the people who would come in jeans will come in jeans even if you say semiformal - they'll just wear their best jeans instead of their everyday pair. You run the risk of offending others by unintentionally implying they don't know how to properly dress themselves for the event.

Summer2011Bride · October 2012

Yeah, I agree. The people who want to wear jeans will do so anyway, and then you've offended the majority of your guests who DO know how to properly dress for a wedding. I would not say anything about dress at all. If someone ASKS you, you can tell them it's on a beach (I think? I can't tell) so maybe wear shoes that are comfortable to walk in on the sand...things like that.

Definitely don't ever put black tie unless it truly is black tie. If I saw that on an invitation or website, I would assume H should wear a tux and I should wear a long gown, since that is usually what black tie indicates. If I showed up to people in sundresses, I would be angry.

kaos16 · October 2012

With regards to the dress uniforms for your friends and family in the military. Your fiance could mention to friends that he is wearing his and that they are welcome to wear theirs too. I don't think it needs to go anywhere on your invitation.

Meegles4 · October 2012

What Drama & Stage said. Also, regarding the military dress thing, I'd just leave that open. My father is retired army, and had no interest in wearing his uniform for the wedding. A family friend is also retired army and wore his dress blues for his son's wedding. It's truly a personal preference and I don't think it's something you should really dictate or ask.

If anything, you could spread by word of mouth that it's OK to the people who it relates to, but unless the majority of your guests are active or retired military, there's no need to put it on your wedding website or anything like that.

[Deleted User] · October 2012

I agree with what other people said. However, I would imagine people might ask you and, in that case, I think it's fine to say. Maybe that's a breach of ettiquette, but I often ask a bride what the wedding is going to be (beach casual, semi formal, formal, etc) so that I feel that I will be dressed appropriately (I actually am super picky about it and try to find out the bridesmaids colors too so I avoid them). I really appreciate when I get a response. But, other than people asking, I think you just let it be.

harper0813 · October 2012

I disagree with the posters above that you don't tell anyone what to wear. If people hear from word of mouth (from you, your fiance, your families, your party) that you'd like the attire to be formal, and then I show up at the wedding wearing a sundress, I would be horrified. Not only embarrassed that I'm underdressed, but confused as to why no one bothered to tell me, which would make me feel insignificant. Honestly, I would probably leave early. While I think asking guests to wear all white or not wear specific colors should be limited to small and intimate weddings where you know everyone very well, I think it's perfectly acceptable to ask people to dress "beach formal" or "black tie formal" or whatnot - and if you're expecting black tie formal, spread the news well in advance (using very gracious words on your website or invitation/STD) so that they can prepare/save up.

Maggie0829 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-to-ask-guests-to-wear?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b80a248-d54f-4d2a-b2a5-7fe21add431bPost:7c51f099-7195-4dcf-b416-a16c2be9ab63">Re: What to ask guests to wear?</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree with the posters above that you don't tell anyone what to wear. If people hear from word of mouth (from you, your fiance, your families, your party) that you'd like the attire to be formal, and then I show up at the wedding wearing a sundress, I would be horrified. Not only embarrassed that I'm underdressed, but confused as to why no one bothered to tell me, which would make me feel insignificant. Honestly, I would probably leave early. While I think asking guests to wear all white or not wear specific colors should be limited to small and intimate weddings where you know everyone very well, I think it's perfectly acceptable to ask people to dress "beach formal" or "black tie formal" or whatnot - and if you're expecting black tie formal, spread the news well in advance (using very gracious words on your website or invitation/STD) so that they can prepare/save up.
Posted by zoberg[/QUOTE]

No, just no. You cannot tell people how to dress. Period. If you want to evoke a certain style or formality to your wedding you do that through your invitations and your wedding venue. If I receive an ivitation that is simple and the venue listed is the park, well then I will be wearing a sundress. If I receive an invitation that has five thousand inserts and the dumb tissue paper, embossed paper and elegant calligraphy with the venue listed as The White House, you bet your butt I will be wearing a nice gown.

Also, like PP have said, I don't care what you tell people about the level of formality if a guest wants to wear jeans they are going to wear jeans regardless.

wowand135 · October 2012

I agree, don't tell people what to wear. We didn't. When people actually asked, we said semi-formal. Everybody dressed appropriately except one guy (H's friend) who came in jeans and baseball cap. Well, everybody noticed him and it did not reflect on us. People talking about him would say, the only guy who wasn't dressed up.

amymaysa · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-to-ask-guests-to-wear?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b80a248-d54f-4d2a-b2a5-7fe21add431bPost:8e25058f-7283-408f-813c-6a0eb1a6b72e">Re: What to ask guests to wear?</a>:
[QUOTE]The thing is, the people who would come in jeans will come in jeans even if you say semiformal - they'll just wear their best jeans instead of their everyday pair. You run the risk of offending others by unintentionally implying they don't know how to properly dress themselves for the event.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

This, I was at a wedding last weekend where one man was in jeans, a jacket, and a tie and others were in their military uniforms...no matter what you think people should wear, people will wear what they want.

There is no nice way to tell people how they should dress

kaos16 · October 2012

What exactly is "beach formal"?

OwningAHome1981 · October 2012

Well you could always say "service uniforms welcome" maybe- but as previous posters said, yeah you can't require a certain thing for them- unless it is black tie or something.

This way they know it's welcome to be worn if they choose but not mandated.

radleyboo · October 2012

Word-of-mouth is a good way to ask servicemen and women to wear their formal dress uniforms. I, too, love the formal dress uniforms that our servicemembers wear, but like the other posters here, unless this is truly 'Black Tie' I wouldn't say anything.

crosswordnerd · October 2012

I have always found it helpful when there's an indication of what kind of dress is expected. Maybe not on the invitations but you can say something along the lines of "cocktail attire for garden ceremony" or "dress to impress!" on your website. As others have said, word of mouth and the tone of your invites can help but it never hurts to have something else for people to go by. Your fiance can always speak to whoever he thinks might want to wear their dress uniforms before the wedding and tell them that you two would be happy to see them wear them (or some kind of wording to let them know they have that option). I am never sure what to wear to weddings and I like it when there's a little bit of help. Having said that, I went to a wedding this past weekend that was supposed to be cocktail attire. I saw one man wearing jeans and a few othes wearing casual clothes like it was just an ordinary Saturday and they were about to run errands. There was a place on the wedding site that explained the venue (Victorian house) and set the tone for what to wear as well as the invitation itself saying that the ceremony would be in the garden weather permitting and to wear cocktail attaire for a garden ceremony. Those who dressed poorly looked out of place. Ultimately it is up to your guests to dress themselves, some just need a little guidance or can decide for themselves that they don't care that they look out of place.

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