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Need help about asking parents permission!

tingy1984tingy1984 member
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in Just Engaged and Proposals
This is long but please help!!!

Ok so my boyfriend is planning on asking me to marry him soon (he is having the ring made now).  I am just concerned about him asking my parents permission.  We have been together 6 years and I know they already approve of him and us being together.  

The problem is I don't really want him to ask them for various reasons.  I don't really believe in it and like I said I already know they approve.  The problem is he wants me to talk with them about why I don't want him to ask them... he said if I don't talk with them about it he feels he would have to ask out of respect which I understand. 

I already know my mom would understand she like me thinks asking is not necessary.  It is my dad I am worried about my parents are divorced and for years (since I was a child) I had a very bad relationship with my dad.  It has only been in the last couple of years that we have started to patch things up and this is mostly because he has married a woman who I get along with very well and things have started to get better. 

So how do I bring this up with my dad and step mother telling them my boyfriend is probably going to ask me in the near future but I told him I didn't want him asking for permission?  It is a hard subject to bring up.  I don't want to make them upset but this is how I feel about things...please help!!  Thanks.
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Re: Need help about asking parents permission!

  • emarston1emarston1 member
    5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    Personally, I think that if you haven't had the greatest relationship with your dad, he hasn't really earned the right to be asked for permission to marry you.  You said yourself that you had a very bad relationship with him.  If anyone has "earned" that right, it would be your mom.

    FI and I were together 5 years and he didn't ask my parents.  He would have liked to but we live several states away so it wasn't really feasible.  When I saw my parents after we got engaged (about a month later when I flew home), I told my dad that FI would have loved to talk to him but it wasn't feasible.  He understood and said he thought it was nice that FI even wanted to ask even though he didn't.

    If your parents approve, they approve.  Having the conversation beforehand isn't going to change a whole lot.  I wouldn't worry about this.
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  • future-mrsfuture-mrs member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments
    Honestly, let your future FI decide.  If he wants to ask, let him.  You shouldn't really be a part of the getting-engaged portion.  I understand the situation but it's not really up to you.
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  • tingy1984tingy1984 member
    First Comment
    Thanks for your help.  I really appreciate it.
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    He could ask for a blessing after he proposes instead of asking for permission beforehand. And he could talk to your mom instead of your dad.


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  • feffanyfeffany member
    10 Comments
    I agree with pp who said that if you and your dad weren't close, then it's not really his place to be asked. And agree with another pp about talking to your mom instead. If your future fi is against asking formally, he could always just let her in the loop by telling your mom that he is planning on popping the question.
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  • JessyNChrisJessyNChris
    10 Comments
     
    My Fiance didn't ask mine. I proposed to him anyway. Even he had proposed, I don't know my biological father anyway. My mother was in prison at the time.
    My uncle was mad though that Chris didn't ask him since my uncle is helping me pay my bills.
    Your Fi could just let them know, but not asking for permission.
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  • MsRachelTMsRachelT member
    10 Comments
    I found this on the web and think this is a great idea and more in keeping with both your and your FI's philosophies.

    "Asking her father or parents for her hand in marriage is an old tradition that many no longer subscribe to for too many reasons to mention here. However, for some girls (and many parents) it shows a certain respect and many brides-to-be think it's charming. If you feel that this is something that would be appropriate for you and your situation we recommend that you ask for their blessing rather than permission. It keeps up the old tradition, demonstrates the same integrity but doesn't position their daughter as a piece of property."

    By asking for the blessing instead you as a couple still hold the power. When you ask for permission you give the power to others.
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  • elizabethm4elizabethm4 member
    100 Comments
    I agree on asking for their blessing. But really- let him decide. I think it would have bothered my FI if I had told him not to talk to my dad first, he really wanted to do that part. But if you don't have a great relationship with your dad and your FI wants to ask your mom I think that would be nice also.
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