Selfish Mom

Re: Selfish Mom

• MairePoppy mod

  

  April 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_selfish-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4672057d-f380-49d7-99f1-15ff906ce50bPost:76fd1c59-8fea-443a-af0e-6e6f91fcc90a">Selfish Mom</a>:
  [QUOTE] My mother is  very self absorbed and planning anything with her is very difficult.  We are having  a destination wedding. My mother lives out of state which makes things even more challenging.  I would really love for her to show some excitement towards our wedding. I had paid for her to come visit back September so that she could help with the beginning wedding planning and get to know her future son in law. She kind of just did her own thing and had no regard to spending time with FI and me. Mom did not even congratulate us on our engagement.   I have asked her to look at the different packages that are offered at the resort we are choosing. <strong> She keeps telling him she doesn't know what she can afford. I have offered to pay a portion but will not pay for it all.  </strong>I need to give me a good show of faith that she truly wants to be there.  She just seems very uninterested.  If anyone has any suggestions of how to make her come around. Or has dealt with difficult mother during their wedding. Thank you for input
  Posted by futuremspita[/QUOTE]
  
  Excuse me? Your mom does not owe you money for a wedding. She is refusing to look at packages because she can't afford to contribute. Figure out what you and fi can afford to spend on a wedding and plan accordingly.

                     

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• Annas2013 member

  

  April 2012

  What the person above me said.  You don't even have a right to expect her to contribute.  Anytime a parent financially helps with a wedding it's a gift, and should never just be expected.  You need to understand that a lot of times destination weddings are expensive for some people and not everyone can afford to go.  You need to be willing to "pay for it all" if you want that wedding.  It's not her responsibility.  It's yours.  Not everyone gets excited about your wedding, so you can't really get mad at her for that either.

  

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• calliopeia2013 member

  

  April 2012

  PPs have read the bolded statement above to mean you're expecting your mom to pay for your wedding, not just her own travel.  Giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming you just meant that she doesn't know how much she can afford to spend on her own personal travel, here's my answer.  (But remember that if PPs' interpretation is correct, you're unbelievably far out of line.)
  
  DWs are expensive for people to travel to.  One of the downsides to a destination wedding is that they mean that some guests, including people whom you might really want to be there, will not be able to afford to travel to come.  If someone you want at your wedding can't afford to travel for your DW, your choices are to either accept that they won't be able to make it, or pay their entire cost yourself.
  
  It sounds like the reason your mom isn't excited is because she's worried about having to shell out for her travel.  She may really want to be at your wedding, but also really not want to take a financial hit for it.  This is a perfectly normal and understandable reaction, and, ike I said, part of the price you pay for doing a DW.  It's possible that she can't give you an answer right now regarding how much she can save before your wedding.  This sounds neither self-absorbed nor selfish to me.  Why won't you pay for her to come?  From the tone of your post, it sounds like you can afford to but don't want to because you think she doesn't want to be there if she doesn't want to shell out cash to be there.  Please remember that those are two different things.

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• Annas2013 member

  

  April 2012

  Calleiopeia is right.  I was just going by the bolded part and how it seemed.  Sorry if it came off as harsh, that wasn't my goal.  And her interpretation's explanation is right too.  They are expensive.  

  

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  April 2012

  If calliopeia is correct, and I hope she is, I offer my humble apologies. Sorry, I assumed the worst.
  
  Your mom's financial situation may be worse than you think. It's the guests responsibility to pay for their own travel and accommodations, but this is your mom. You may have to choose which is more important to you, the destination wedding or your mom's presence.
  
  To get the discussion going with your mom, make a specific offer. For example, tell her you will pay for her airfare (or whatever) and let her know the price range of rooms in the resort. Please don't think your mom doesn't care, she probably feels very badly about not being able to afford to attend your wedding.
  

                     

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• zitiqueen member

  

  April 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_selfish-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4672057d-f380-49d7-99f1-15ff906ce50bPost:76fd1c59-8fea-443a-af0e-6e6f91fcc90a">Selfish Mom</a>:
  [QUOTE] <strong>My mother is  very self absorbed and planning anything with her is very difficult.</strong>  We are having  a destination wedding. My mother lives out of state which makes things even more challenging.  <strong>I would really love for her to show some excitement towards our wedding.</strong> I had paid for her to come visit back September so that she could help with the beginning wedding planning and get to know her future son in law. <strong>She kind of just did her own thing and had no regard to spending time with FI and me.</strong> <strong>Mom did not even congratulate us on our engagement.</strong>   I have asked her to look at the different packages that are offered at the resort we are choosing.  She keeps telling him she doesn't know what she can afford. I have offered to pay a portion but will not pay for it all.  I need to give me a good show of faith that she truly wants to be there.  <strong>She just seems very uninterested.</strong>  If anyone has any suggestions of how to make her come around. Or has dealt with difficult mother during their wedding. Thank you for input
  Posted by futuremspita[/QUOTE]
  
  In other words, you expect her to change her entire personality just because you're getting married? Sorry, it won't happen.

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• futuremspita member

  

  April 2012 edited April 2012

   No,  I am actually expecting my mother to pay for a portion of her own ticket and stay to be  at our wedding. I am in no way looking for her to contribute to our wedding expenses.   I  am willing to pay for part of it but believe she should pay for a part of her own ticket to be there  with us. I am sorry I was not the clearest with what I was explaining.
    I just am not sure where to start with an amount that we would pay I thought of 1/2 or 3/4. I would still have problem of paying for her expenses even we did the wedding in the state we live because my brother and her both live out of state.  She has a habit of guilting me that she never has any money but she can buy expensive things for herself and friends and go on trips. Which is really frustrating. My FI believes that my family uses me when it comes to money and he is probably right.    I am not expecting her to change that is not realistic.  If I can get to come to the wedding without me paying for the whole thing that would a big accomplishment!

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