Because I Can't Stop Thinking About It...

nightmare_of_beauty · December 2009

This is going to be long...I'll add cliff notes at the bottom.

I am not a fan of my FSIL. She's the youngest and she is very spoiled. Also, being the only girl she usually gets what she wants. I put her in the wedding party because I didn't want there to be a battle over it, it's one day, and as someone else put it to me "either put her in and everyone's happy or no one will speak to you until you have the first grandchild" which actually got destroyed because now FSIL has a baby, but her point is still there...it's just one day. I haven't really included her in the planning because like I said, not a fan, and like many of you have said, all she has to do is a buy a dress and show up...we actually took the buying part off her hands and bought the dress.

On Sunday I got a text from FSIL saying exactly "I know I'm not the maid of honor, but can I give a toast at the wedding since I'm his only sister."

Ok first thing....I'm not getting married for 9 months! Only reason bridal party is even picked because of the bugging from her (and the I'm his only sister was including every single time) and the only reason the dress was bought was a really great package deal on ebay. I haven't thought about toast why is she?

Next thing...I'm sick and tired of her throwing I'm his only sibling in my face. I have two siblings who are not in the wedding party, who could kinda care less (they love me, they just aren't into the whole wearing a dress, and one is working on their master's degree...more important). Why should I have to give in to everything just because she's FI's only sister?

Next thing...the only thing positive she has ever said about our relationship and I am quoting word for word here "you're the only girlfriend he's bought home that I've liked, his one girlfriend I hated so much I pushed her through my mom's kitchen table." Yeah...don't want that included in the wedding and she's told EVERYONE that story. I don't feel I can trust her not to say something stupid. Can I ask to approve the toast?

And the last thing...like I said I don't like her so my mean side is saying tell her no. I asked FI and he actually told me to see what people on the knot said because he could care less either way. I just don't want my evil side to win because I'm being evil.

I haven't thought about toast, don't really want to, and honestly don't care if anyone even does one. I know my family won't want to, so why not skip them all together?

Cliff notes: I don't like my FSIL but put her in the wedding to save drama and now she wants to give a toast because she's FI's only sister. I haven't thought about them because wedding is 9 months away, I hate that she always throws the only sister thing in my face, I don't trust her not to say something stupid and want to approve her toast, FI says he doesn't care, I'm afraid I'm being mean because I don't like her.

mags0607 · December 2009

This one is tricky because she sounds like a pain in the butt. Could you just tell her that you and Fi decided not to devote time to toasts at the wedding? Or could you tell her that she can give her toast at the RD. That at least limits the havoc she can cause.

blackfire5th · December 2009

First off, I'd have your FI start dealing with her. Let him discuss these thing with her and make sure that he is saying that x decision is what he wants (if you say "we" and she disagrees she will take it to mean "you are making him do this").

Is she about 18? I ask because my youngest SIL acted very similar at that age. I think your best options are to leave her out of most of the wedding planning (aka don't discuss it around her) and have your FI talk to her about the toast.

As far as the toast goes, I'd let her do it or say that you aren't sure about the reception timeline and to ask again much closer to the wedding (less than a month). That way you aren't letting her walk all over you at the early stages of planning and she may change her mind by then.

blackfire5th · December 2009

Oh, I like the RD idea! Have you FI call her up and have him tell her how much it means to him to have her speak at the RD.

I forgot to answer this in the first post, but I don't think you can pre-approve her toast. Just know that if she makes a bad toast, it will reflect poorly on her, not you. If she does it at the RD, odds are most of the people there will have already heard the story so you won't be subjecting the majority of your guests to it.

nightmare_of_beauty · December 2009

I didn't even think of the RD!!!! OMG That is so great!!!!!

Black: She's 20. I've left her out as much as I can...honestly she didn't even get a vote on the dress, I told her I'm buying this dress for you, please try it on. I think she comes to me because she can pull the "I'm the only sibling" card. With FI, all she has to do is get their mom on her side and it's all over.

blackfire5th · December 2009

I know! Mags is briliant with the RD!

When she comes to you, just always pull the "I'll ask FI about it" card. And then have him deal with it.

If his Mom starts getting pushy, he just needs to stand up to her and tell her that this is what the two of you have decided. However, if she is contributing financially, then she does get a lot of say. Definetly make sure that your FI can stand up to his mom before you get married. Go take a peek on the nest to see women who have MIL problems because their DH do whatever mommy wants and never stand up to her.

nightmare_of_beauty · December 2009

lol this part gets a BIT crazy.

If it's something wedding related his mom wants, he wants it. (When it comes to anything else, he stands up. His mother actually didn't talk to us half of July because he told her we weren't coming to some stupid cook out)

To sum up that issue! Like you said, if someone is contributing financially they get a say. My parents are helping with a number of different things because they are traditional (though FI and I are paying for things too). FMIL is paying for the cake. FI feels that since my parents get a vote, his mom should too.

I disagree because my parents only get a vote in what they're helping with (and the guest list, both sides got an equal vote on that), she should only get a vote on what she's helping with.

Not to be mean, but FMIL isn't very excited about the wedding...last time it came up at a family thing she went on about how FSIL looks so pretty in the bridesmaid dress (though when FSIL first put it on FMIL told her to loose 5 pounds).

nightmare_of_beauty · December 2009

that was not summing it up...sorry to write another story book, I'm just annoyed with them right now...I'll love them again next week.

stina93446 · December 2009

Why not have her do a toast at the RD?

AmandaS23 · December 2009

I agree with telling her that you have to talk with your FI and then make him deal with her. As for the toast, I woldn't sweat it. My aunt told a very embarrassing story about my sister at her wedding. My mom begged my aunt not to tell the story, but my aunt told it anyways. My sister just laughed it off and it was forgotten about a minute after the toast was over. If you don't make a big deal about it no one else will either.

banana468 · December 2009

I think it's great to put this on your FI. And asking her to do a toast at the RD may be perfect.

FWIW, she sounds very young but also like she's doing her best to show she likes you. She's got a lot of growing up to do but my guess is that she's doing these things in an effort to say, "See! I really like you and can I be in the cool FSIL club now?!"

swim1011 · December 2009

I definitely vote for the RD speech, that's a fantastic idea. And llet your FI deal with her from now on.

CTGirl30 · December 2009

Yup, confine her toast to the RD for damage control and it should be all good. After all, if she says something rediculous, it's a reflection of her and not you and at least there will be a smaller audience. Just let her know you're skipping toasts at the actual wedding so if she wants to speak, the RD will be her opportunity. And let tehe DJ know at your reception that s/he is NOT to allow anyone to have the mic to speak publicly in case she tries again at the actual wedding.

In a strange way, it sounds like maybe she's tryign very hard to let you know she likes you (thankfully she's not pushing YOU through her mother's coffee table - what an oddball comment...but anyway) and trying to be somehow involved.

Ignore FMIL - she sounds like a real peach - and if things get sticky, have FI deal with his sister.

GL!!!

psichick · December 2009

go with the RD idea. MUCH safer and a better idea. she sonds like a pain in the ass.

swim - every time i see you sig it makes me laugh. it looks exactly like one of my cats when she was a kitten, and she was just as evil lol (she still is short and insane haha!)

gottahavashorti · December 2009

Having your FI ask her to give the toast at the RD sounds like a good idea. Limiting toasts to the RD entirely might reduce the chances of her throwing a fit about not giving the toast at the actual wedding.

megk8oz · December 2009

I'm going to ditto the RD idea. But unless you completely skip all toasts at the wedding, she might manage to get her hands on a mic if you don't pre-warn the DJ.

She sounds young and immature, and I know you don't like her ... but maybe all of this annoying behavior (Which honestly, doesn't sound "malicious", just a little weird to me) is her way of trying really hard to let you know she likes you and/or is really happy for her brother's wedding. Try to be supportive of her enthusiasm.

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

I'd just let her do the toast, but I agree I'd put her off and wait until a month before to give her the ok.

My SIL gave a toast at our wedding. She's a bit of a pill, and doesn't really care about anything that isn't about her. (She whined forever when I told her she could not wear a hot pink BM dress. as hot pink was not one of our colors. She wanted me to change our colors for her.) She's a good girl, but she's just really immature.

Anyway, I really expected her to say something whiny and stupid, but she said something really sweet and surprised me. But if she'd said something stupid, she would have been the one that looked stupid.

To me, offering to do a toast is really sweet, and I think is her way of trying to do something nice. I would let her and see what happens.

liz745 · December 2009

I dont really see the problem with letting her give a toast. If she wants to give a toast at her brothers wedding I think she should be allowed to. You can certainly ask to approve the toast beforehand, of course that doesnt mean she wont improv. I agree with what has been previously said that if you are realy worried about what she will say, let her give a toast at the RD.

Although maybe you could try to like her a little more. She wont be out of your life after the wedding, she will always be your FI's sister. It sounds like she likes you, and maturity comes with age so you cant blame her that much for being her age. It sounds like a nice gesture to want to give a toast. Talk to your FI about it.

nightmare_of_beauty · December 2009

lol She likes me? Hence why she called me a dyke? She's 20 years old...she likes me when she wants to, calls names when she doesn't like me, I know that.

Thanks for all the advice, sorry I couldn't reply sooner....theknot won't load at my house so I have to use my work computer for it.

I think I'm going to go with letting her give a toast at the RD. I won't make her let me see it and she can say whatever she wants then.

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