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What would you do??

adrielabadrielab
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My best friend/cousin got engaged last Novemeber and set her wedding date for 11/12/11. My fiance and I recently got engaged and decided that we would like to get married this year, Around October/November.  BUT my cousin already set her date for November and since we are family, we will be inviting a lot of the same guests.   Is it wrong of me to "step on her toes" and plan my wedding close to hers? or should we wait till next year? We also don't want to burden our guests with having to worry about 2 weddings within a few weeks of eachother. HELP! I'm not sure what to do! I also don't wanna hurt my best friend/cousins feelings. What would you do?? Or better yet, what is the "proper" thing to do?
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Re: What would you do??

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    Brandiewine11Brandiewine11 member
    First Comment
    You should be fine if there isn't a ton of travel and you're a few weeks apart.
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    VioletRose519VioletRose519 member
    First Comment
    I would wait! Even if she says she doesnt care, she might and that can ruin your relationship. Also, if she will be in your wedding its another costly thing to do around her wedding and it might ruin your wedding experience for her or the both of you.
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    Meg1036Meg1036
    First Comment
    Technically, you can have your wedding whenever you want.  If you're worried about being courteous to your guests (which is a good thing to be), a lot of this rests on how much people would have to travel.  If people are mostly local, no worries at all as long as things are a couple of weeks apart (assuming you would not want to be on your honeymoon during her wedding and vice-versa).

    If there's a lot of travel, I would talk to VIPs (grandparents, etc.) about whether you are creating a hardship; and I would think that as long as the weddings are a month apart, you probably are not.
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    Birdie1483Birdie1483 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    The canned response is to say that she only gets one day. However, I don't think that's realistic. Will your guests have to travel for the wedding? If not, I think you'd be fine picking a weekend in early October. Do some research and make sure there are venues open for that time before you make any big announcements. October is popular time to get married now and I found a lot of places were already booked when I was looking last July.
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    Birdie1483Birdie1483 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    Also, don't discount a December wedding. They can be very pretty. :)
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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    Will your shared guests need to travel to one or both weddings?  

    To me, that's the deciding factor.  For many people, travelling to a wedding in October and then another in November won't work, but if it is local, it's NBD.  

    I would also suggest running your tentative dates by her before booking anything.
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    ootmother2ootmother2 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    Honestly, if it's your best friend and cousin, I would ask her how she feels about it.

    She very well may not care but it would be the nice thing to do
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    adrielabadrielab
    First Comment
    My cousin and I have family that lives In Canada.. but they are extended family and not super close to me anyways. They haven't decided if they are even going to make my cousins wedding yet. So travel doesn't seem to be an issue..
    So I think it might be okay in that sense, but I guess I'm afraid of her saying its okay with her and then resenting me later?  Or the biggest thing is people "comparing" our weddings because I have half the buget of hers. So I wouldn't want to follow her "big" extravagent wedding with my DIY buget wedding.. ya know? so thats another reason why I would like to go first.. if you catch my drift.
    Thank you for your reponses! It really appreciate
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    ajroarkajroark
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-37?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4d94240f-18a4-4813-bef6-5a4543af556aPost:d02ef26f-43bd-4254-8d40-9baa7d2ac9aa">Re: What would you do??</a>:
    [QUOTE]Will your shared guests need to travel to one or both weddings?   To me, that's the deciding factor.  For many people, travelling to a wedding in October and then another in November won't work, but if it is local, it's NBD.   I would also suggest running your tentative dates by her before booking anything.
    Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this! Only pick a different date if guests are traveling and it will inconvenience them. Also, let your cousin know you'd like to get married around the same time and make sure she'll be OK with it. If she's a good person, it shouldn't matter.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    Birdie1483Birdie1483 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited April 2011
    People won't compare your weddings because they will be completely different if you're on completely different budgets. Don't let that worry you. I've been to many weddings in the past few years and they've all been unique. Some were "fancier" than others, but none were "better" than the rest. At the end of the day, I had fun at all of them and I'm sure most of your guests would feel the same way.

    But even if you went first, and someone DID compare, going first wouldn't matter anyways. Judgy McJudgersons will judge no matter what order they went to the weddings.
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    mkruparmkrupar member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-37?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4d94240f-18a4-4813-bef6-5a4543af556aPost:1125be35-ae85-4b0b-a495-80287e8dc887">Re: What would you do??</a>:
    [QUOTE]Also, don't discount a December wedding. They can be very pretty. :)
    Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]

    And sometimes cheaper! :-)

    OP - Don't worry about people comparing your weddings. If you concentrate on properly hosting your guests to the best of your ability within the budget you've set you will be fine. I've been to big extravagant affairs and I've been to backyard barbeque weddings. They're not comparable because of the type of events they are and because each one was suited to the couple's style. I couldn't have imagined my friends with the backyard barbeque getting all dolled up and having a formal seated dinner. It just wouldn't have been "them" KWIM?

    If out of town travel doesn't seem to be an issue for the major players I'd say you're safe with planning something a month apart. If you're really worried, ask her about it.
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    kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I have 2 dds and 2 stepdds.  My eldest dd set a wedding date of June 20 something in 2005.  Youngest stepdd set a date of really late may 2005 (she was 18 and hid engagement from her dad and I).  I said Helll no.

    It's not about the one day thing as much as it is about what you are asking of all the relatives who will attend the showers and weddings.

    The girls got married 3 months apart and I heard a lot of complaining from the relatives.  Within a 12 week span we had 2 showers and 2 weddings.  The family is generous with gifts when it comes to the closer relatives.  They were ticked about the proximity of the events and the amount of traveling and money they had to deal with.  There is no difference in our family if you are a step relative or blook relative when it comes to these things. Personally, I agreed with them.

    I know when I attend those events of family members I spend 75-100 on shower gift, and 200 dollars for wedding gift.

    I don't want to give the wrong impression.  I adore my youngest stepdd (who is currently divorcing) but she gave no thought to the family knowing full well that another wedding date had been set.  When the weddings were going to be 3 weeks apart we would have had some family members choose to attend one and not the other.

    I'm just offering my take from a totally different perspective that a bride.  I got a lot of grief when stepdd got married so close to dd from a lot of the family.  they are great people but it did ask a lot of them. 
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    Soon2BeMrsTingSoon2BeMrsTing
    First Anniversary First Comment
    If it were me, I would definitely broach the subject with the cousin/BFF, out of consideration for her.  But my cousin was married at the end of last June and I was married four weeks later.  Our family travelled across the Northeast to attend both weddings. 
    Long Overdue Married Bioimage
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    tenofcups4metenofcups4me member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    I'd wait till winter or even better yet, early spring. It's not just about the cousin and how she feels, but all the other family members who will be attending two weddings, two showers, maybe two engagement parties. Split it up a little.
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