Pre-wedding Parties

Rehearsal Dinner Drama

So over the holiday my FMIL sat down with us to hear about our wedding plans. She seemed shocked by some of our decisions, ie minimal floral, casual rehearsal dinner etc.

Several weeks later she called and said that she & my FFIL would like to throw us a formal rehearsal dinner. This was all fine and dandy until we gave her the guest count for the rehearsal dinner, about 45.

She said that was way too many, and that traditionally it was only the bridal party and the parents that attended. We agreed to look at the list again, however I was unwilling to budge on my grandparents (only 2) as they raised me more than my actual parents did, and I would sooner refuse the rehearsal dinner than not invite them.

I was fine making a few cuts until I found out she had no intentions of cutting my FI's Grandmother or his aunt and uncle and cousins. This is where I put my foot down we would either be equal on both sides with the cuts or we would politely decline the rehearsal dinner.

After my FI talked to her some more she agreed to our original guest list, however she is still a little upset.

Was I in the wrong for expecting the cuts to be even on both sides, even though his family is paying?
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Re: Rehearsal Dinner Drama

  • edited December 2011
    The one thing that's unfortunate about letting others host pre-wedding events or even the wedding itself, is that whoever pays, says.  Technically, if they are hosting, they get contol over the guest list.  Having said that, it would have been nicer of them to be more respectful of your wishes.
  • redheadtmkredheadtmk member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It should be even on both sides as far as you both cut Aunt's, Uncles, cousins etc. Just becasue they are paying does not mean they get to forget about being  gracious, tactful, and considerate. Expecting you to cut out all of your family but not thiers is just rude. I am glad they decided to keep your original list! Have fun and try not to let her get to you. good luck
  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I fall in the camp that *ideally* the guest list should be even.  However, in real life, his parents are paying and are free to invite whom they choose. 
  • edited December 2011
    Ideally, yes, it would be nice for the cuts to be even; however, it is the risk you take when you let someone else host. Essentially they get the final say.

    My FILs are hosting our RD and more of their family is attending then mine. Did it hurt? Yes. Did it upset me? Yes. So I had two options: Respectfully decline or suck it up.

    We chose to suck it up because in all reality the only 'extras' they had was FI's aunt, uncle, and their two children. I am not close with any of my aunts or uncles so in the end it wasn't such a big deal. I was more upset on the idea that they thought their family was more deserving of attending the RD than mine, when really, I am sure that wasn't their thinking at all.
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  • edited December 2011
    I think it is pretty crappy of her to expect you to not have your own grandparents. You compromised and made cuts with the friends and other family, correct?

    I know what I would do and that would be to tell her they are coming or decline her offer.
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  • edited December 2011
    As PPs have said, technically whoever pays gets to control the guest list, but I think it's really unfair of her to not have things equitable for both families.  I probably would have done what you did, and declined the rehearsal dinner if she wouldn't budge.
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  • barbie92barbie92 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I am glad she decided to keep your guest list how it was.
    I would have told her thank you for offering to pay, but since we want more than just a few people there we will just pay for a casual rehearsal dinner and call it good!
    Maybe just remind her that if she is not comfortable paying for that many people it does not have to be formal.
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