MOH Missing in Action...

Sharon122212 · November 2012

My Maid of Honor is my best friend of 25+ years. Let me preface that she had a great job but got caught up in a situation where she was helping out a male friend with his start up company (amongst some other things) and in April 2012, she apparently lost her job. I did not find out until June 2012 that she lost her job. She has been fairly aloof ever since...or at least very sporadic communications that have nothing to do with the wedding but what she is going to do at the wedding ...(sing a song and give a toast). I have since learned that her male friend does drugs and now i'm fairly certain that she is doing them too. We're too old for this non sense and weren't raised lto be ike this.

In April, May & July She was there for the 'dress search' and was there for the bridesmaid dress search. She missed my dress fitting which bothered me a little but i got over it. She promised me that being out of work would not be a problem cause this start up compnay (which has NO income) was going to start getting investor money soon and that she would be able to do my bacherlorette party and bridal shower and stuff. My wedding is now in 39 days...   Two of my future Sister in laws have graciously offered and have now started planing my bridal shower. No bacherlorette party. I have since asked my bridesmaid to be my MOH.

I saw my MOH on Saturday and explained to her that i'm concerned about her, that i have not heard much from her, not pleased with her Anti Marriage facebook postings (can you belive it?) and i don't even know if she will make the wedding. She has lost so much weight that she has gonen from a size 12 to a size 4 or 6. Her dress is in my closet. She has not asked for it. She won't fit into it.  I told her that i want her at the wedding and can't imagine getting married without her. She is my best friend and it breaks my heart. Than i explained that she can be a bridesmaid but that she cant be my MOH. I am torn and heart broken but i can't deal with the stress of not knowing if she'll even show up.

Any thoughts out there... Can you demote or remove your MOH?    Not to mention if she shows up under the influence, my family will remove her immediately.

Am i being unreasonable?

MairePoppy · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-missing-in-action?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:03d15bcb-a797-4f69-873f-4e40cd5fc3cePost:03459cc7-8d90-4c20-a7c7-153a8444aee8">MOH Missing in Action...</a>:
[QUOTE]My Maid of Honor is my best friend of 25+ years. Let me preface that she had a great job but got caught up in a situation where she was helping out a male friend with his start up company (amongst some other things) and in April 2012, she apparently lost her job. I did not find out until June 2012 that she lost her job. She has been fairly aloof ever since...or at least very sporadic communications that have nothing to do with the wedding but what she is going to do at the wedding ...(sing a song and give a toast). I have since learned that her male friend does drugs and now i'm fairly certain that she is doing them too. We're too old for this non sense and weren't raised lto be ike this. In April, May & July She was there for the 'dress search' and was there for the bridesmaid dress search. She missed my dress fitting which bothered me a little but i got over it. She promised me that being out of work would not be a problem cause this start up compnay (which has NO income) was going to start getting investor money soon and that she would be able to do my bacherlorette party and bridal shower and stuff. My wedding is now in 39 days... Two of my future Sister in laws have graciously offered and have now started planing my bridal shower. No bacherlorette party. I have since asked my bridesmaid to be my MOH. I saw my MOH on Saturday and explained to her that i'm concerned about her, that i have not heard much from her, not pleased with her Anti Marriage facebook postings (can you belive it?) and i don't even know if she will make the wedding. She has lost so much weight that she has gonen from a size 12 to a size 4 or 6. Her dress is in my closet. She has not asked for it. She won't fit into it. I told her that i want her at the wedding and can't imagine getting married without her. She is my best friend and it breaks my heart. Than i explained that she can be a bridesmaid but that she cant be my MOH. I am torn and heart broken but i can't deal with the stress of not knowing if she'll even show up. Any thoughts out there... Can you demote or remove your MOH? Not to mention if she shows up under the influence, my family will remove her immediately. Am i being unreasonable?
Posted by Sharon122212[/QUOTE]

Your friend has lost her job, gone down 4 dress sizes, may be involved in drugs and you are worried about whether or not you should demote her from MOH to bm?

Sharon122212 · November 2012

YOU are both right. So I'll just keep in her as my MOH and hopefully she'll show up...

Peledreamsofrain · November 2012

Forget the wedding and arbitrary things like titles, your friend of 25 years is hurting, unhealthy, and needs you. I get that getting married is really allinvolving, but would you be so distant and concerned with trivial matters in normal circumstances? On a normal day, I would assume your thoughts at seeing her lose that much weight from drug abuse wouldn't be 'gosh, I hope she fits her dress.' Shake the wedding haze outta your eyes.

QueerFemme · November 2012

wow. Glad you backtracked. Your friend sounds like she is going through some major stuff. Your first concern should be your friend of 25 years. Asking someone else to be your MOH was really rude. I agree that you owe your friend an apology. Make sure she is ok. Ask her what SHE needs.

I know the excitement of your wedding is a big deal. And its ok to be dissapointed that she has been absent, but your MOH's only "job" is to show up at the wedding in the dress and on time. the parties are all "extras".

Viczaesar · November 2012

Unless today is your wedding day she can't possibly be Missing In Action.

MyNameIsNot · November 2012

I'm glad you backed off and realized that your original post was pretty self centered. It really sounds like she has major problems. It sucks that this is happening during an exciting time in your life, but the mark of a good friend is one who is there for you through the bad, not just the good. It sounds like this is really HER time of need.

I suggest that you put wedding things aside with her. Apologize for demoting her and tell her that she will be your MOH because she is your best friend, end of story. Moving on, it's time to figure out what you need to do to help her out. If she's really into drugs, that's something she's going to have to deal with, when she's ready. I'd recommend attending an Al Anon meeting on your own to get some tips and hints about helping a close friend/family member who is dealing with addiction. If you have another close friend, it may help to bring that person along with you as well. From there, you can do some research and figure out if this is a situation where an intervention is in order, or what other steps you can take to help your friend overcome this. I don't have the answers here, but you need to remind her that she is your best friend, and you are going to be there for her for whatever she needs. Sometimes just knowing that can help get her thinking about how to get on the right path toward figuring out what she needs to do to deal with this problem.

erinlin25 · November 2012

Ditto the other PP's; you need to reach out to your friend 5minutes ago. Who cares if she doesn't fit the dress; let her know you were wrong and that you will do anything to help her-- hopefully she will get the help she needs, but it may be a process.

MairePoppy · November 2012

That's better. I hope your friend shows up, too. Thanks for not turning your back on your friend when she needs you.

maribeth721 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-missing-in-action?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:03d15bcb-a797-4f69-873f-4e40cd5fc3cePost:ed57e6b8-0aa2-40cb-91f6-4a7f4225d895">Re: MOH Missing in Action...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to MOH Missing in Action... : Your friend has lost her job, gone down 4 dress sizes, may be involved in drugs and you are worried about whether or not you should demote her from MOH to bm?
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

Yeah. This. Other people's lives do not revolve around your wedding - even if they are in your wedding party. My MOH was going thru a really hard time during my engagement/wedding planning. She got married a year before me and I went to everything of hers and planned her shower and bachelorette party. She didn't return that for me. I knew that if she hadn't had so much going on in her life that she would have been able to do that. Maybe you should talk to your friend and ask her whats up instead of just kicking her out as your MOH.

Sharon122212 · November 2012

Thank you ReTreadBride, There are so many other details and factors that have nothing to do with the wedding but that is what i focussed on in my post. I've poured my heart out to her....our cirlcle of friends have done the same. She knows that we are here for her. She knows she is still my MOH. She knows she is welcome and all she has to do is show up on time, dressed and ready to go. Emotions are running high amongst all of our friends for her. We don't want to lose her... I probably should not have posted but I was lost and I do appreciate all the comments...good and bad. No more posts needed, God bless

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