Massachusetts-Cape Cod

touchy problem

Please don't judge
I am attempting to have an adults only reception. My brother will be 17 at the time of the wedding.(a long story but i don't want him there)  does the 18+ rule apply to him?




Re: touchy problem

  • edited December 2011
    Unfortunately, I cannot agree with your excluding him primarily because if his disability.  As a special educator, and someone with a younger sibling with a disability (and ASD tendencies, although not an ASD diagnosis), I could never imagine excluding my brother because of that.  I think that if you are including only those who are most close to you, they should already know who your brother is and what sort of behaviors he may have.  Personally, I went out of my way to include those kids (well they're late teens to early 20s now) that I have worked with over the years.  They get excluded enough because of disabilities, and it bothers me to think that a sibling would do to them what their peers do on a daily basis. 

    Ultimately it is your wedding, but I will say this:  As annoying as he may be to you, he is your brother and he is probably more excited than you will ever know about your wedding.  It will absolutely crush him to be the only member of your immediate family excluded from the festivities.

    I hope you can sort this out so everyone is happy.
  • edited December 2011
    Is there any way that an older "cool" relative or friend could hang out with your brother at your wedding/reception to help avoid problems?  I know that my cousin with an ASD responds very well when with a "cool" person, just hanging out.  Maybe you or your parents could even pay this person, kind of like a babysitter.  That way you would feel more secure that he would not cause a scene and your parents would be able to enjoy themselves at their daughters wedding. 

    But only you know your brother and the entire situation.  You have to do what is right for you and your family.  I'm not trying to judge you or anything!!!  It's a tough situation!

    Good luck!!!  :)
  • edited December 2011
    I'm confused - was the original post edited??
  • edited December 2011
    Yes, original post was edited.  She had originally gone into more detail about the situation, but basically doesn't want to include her 17 year old brother in her wedding festivities.  Regardless of any reasons why, I would have a hard time excluding an immediate family member from my wedding, no matter what the underlying reasons, because in time situations change, and if things get better and he was not included, that's always going to be a black mark on their relationship. (just my 2 cents)
  • lindztokenlindztoken member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    thanks girls...as I sit here making a card for his sixteenth birthday today...I realize he must be there, but I will have to put forth the effort of telling him exactly what will be acceptable and not.  Since I have no tolerance for those video games he's obsessed with, he too has alienated me (a point not mentioned previously)  I've taken days off to bring him places, spend time, and all he talks about/to is my fiance/video games....he has no interest in his nephew other than to show him video games and the whole situation makes me more uncomfortable than anyone will ever know
  • edited December 2011
    Lindz -

    If you take the time between now and the wedding to really prep him for what is appropriate and not appropriate for that type of event, it will probably be a huge help.  Most of the time, they just have no idea what is expected of them in various situations.  Maybe your mom can reach out to school as well, and they can encorporate it into discussions (I'm assuming he receives special education services and speech/language services at school - but maybe not, not all kids with Aspergers need those services).  My brother is doing a reading at my wedding, and school is helping him practice to improve his intelligibility and fluency with it.  If he does see a Speech/Language Pathologist, they can encorporate into their social skills discussions the appropriate ways to interact at a wedding.

    I hope everything goes well!

    Sorry to sound judgemental earlier, I just spend all my time advocating for my students/brother, and its my immediate instict to jump to their defense.

  • lindztokenlindztoken member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
     I here ya " awillis"  Last night I actually spoke with my step mom about it, and she said if he behaves...he's there, if not he won't be.  Sounds good to me.  I don't know how else to connect...he really doesn't like me anymore...last night at his birthday dinner, he called my child evil and we were instructed to sit at the other end of the room (he's 1)    I feel for these kids too, my friend is a house leader for a group home specializing in autism...and I've met many of them, and all seemed like stand up kids tryin their hardest but this place my brother comes from seems sooo self centrered....the way he was brought up, I don't think it helped at all, and I hate to hold it against him, but  when I open up or make an effort, it ends up with him being angry because he wanted something totally unneccessary(or unaffordable), and just can't understand WHY!! He is really mean sometimes... I guess when he's good he's good, but when he's bad,  he's bad..screaming at my grandmother last night "You don't know ANYTHING Grandma!!  Shut UP!!  I'm trying to talk to this kid (in a pokemon chat room in which a child was talking about not wanting to live anymore)..I don't think he needs any contact with people like this at all
    He's so poisened by these video games and material possesions...nothing else matters to him...

    on  side note...we've changed the location which before was more than an houur away from home...now, 10 mins away he will be able to leave whenever he wants (that was one of my concerns because he would've been stuck there indefinetely)


    Do you think me asking him myself i would be a good idea?  Like if he realizes what an important day it is, and if he has any idea what it means to me that he be behaved and not cause an upset?  Or if he has any ideas of his own on how he should behave (i cannot recall a time when he did not pitch some kind of a fit during a family event)...or do you think I should leave it up to his mom?
    I know I was harsh earlier, and I have to be a big girl....so I guess I will just have to outsmart the lil imp and have an excellent wedding dispite his efforts lol
  • edited December 2011
    I think if there is always conflict between you two, it would probably be best to have his mom prep him (and possibly school if that's an option like I mentioned before) for appropriate social behavior in a setting like a wedding. 

    It might also help to have clear consequences for inappropriate behavior (beyond removal from the party - if he's really that connected to his video games, the removal of social contact may not be too aversive for him). 

    Maybe they can come up with a subtle cue for him to give that he is ready to leave without making a scene so they can take him home before he reaches his breaking point?

    I hope everything works out for you.  At least know you are much closer to home to be able to remove him if it gets too bad for your guests.
  • carolyns4882carolyns4882 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011

    I can relate on some level having a sibling that is not in my life and will not be at my wedding. Here is a suggestion, what if you hired one of his teachers to come and be with him for the evening at the wedding to keep him on his best behavior?

  • lindztokenlindztoken member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Had a very long convo with my dad last night...and he understands...he said he didn't know I felt that way and sometimes  it's really hard to like someone that you're supposed to love...(really a sad situation when you get down to it...)and the more and more thinking I do-I think what really angers me is the way he way he treats my parents...he can act out all he wants,(because it's not me trying my hardest to please him) but when it's my dad's disapointed face, that's what really gets to me.  We were all singing happy birthday the other night cut us all of "Ya ya ya can the birthday crap {blows out all candles} Muahahaaa"

    Really thanks for putting me in perspective....I never really had to think about this stuff because he doesn't live with me...seems I just avoided the situation-Can't do it anymore-- I guess...Im learning
  • edited December 2011
    There is absolutely no excuse for excluding him.
    The fact that I see you edited out he has a disability makes me even more sick.
    I am sorry, but you are not going to get validation from me for having such an ill atittude towards some one who obviously has problems, never mind that he is your BROTHER.
  • edited December 2011
    This thread is confusing because of the editing, but from what I get from the gist of it, this is unacceptable. The "adults only" rule is a shitty excuse to try to cover that your brother would embarrass you on your pretty princess day. The fact that you deleted pertinent info about the disability just confirms that you know this is true.



    image
    Taco cat: Always a palindrome. ALWAYS, okay J&K?

    "cool......insult my size 2 body or my natural brown hair...or the fact that my parents own a country club, I have no budget for a wedding, and I have horses. I really dont care. Its better then having roots." ~ futurepivko
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_massachusetts-cape-cod_distant-brother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:94Discussion:3d497388-73ca-47b6-bf67-9d7e75af6c62Post:8010b6ff-8e5c-42d5-816d-ea5b98261d47">Re: touchy problem</a>:
    [QUOTE] I here ya " awillis"  Last night I actually spoke with my step mom about it, and she said if he behaves...he's there, if not he won't be.  Sounds good to me.  I don't know how else to connect...he really doesn't like me anymore...last night at his birthday dinner, he called my child evil and we were instructed to sit at the other end of the room (he's 1)    I feel for these kids too, my friend is a house leader for a group home specializing in autism...and I've met many of them, and all seemed like stand up kids tryin their hardest but this place my brother comes from seems sooo self centrered....the way he was brought up, I don't think it helped at all, and I hate to hold it against him, but  when I open up or make an effort, it ends up with him being angry because he wanted something totally unneccessary(or unaffordable), and just can't understand WHY!! He is really mean sometimes... I guess when he's good he's good, but when he's bad,  he's bad..screaming at my grandmother last night "You don't know ANYTHING Grandma!!  Shut UP!!  I'm trying to talk to this kid (in a pokemon chat room in which a child was talking about not wanting to live anymore)..I don't think he needs any contact with people like this at all He's so poisened by these video games and material possesions...nothing else matters to him... on  side note...we've changed the location which before was more than an houur away from home...now, 10 mins away he will be able to leave whenever he wants (that was one of my concerns because he would've been stuck there indefinetely) Do you think me asking him myself i would be a good idea?  Like if he realizes what an important day it is, and if he has any idea what it means to me that he be behaved and not cause an upset?  Or if he has any ideas of his own on how he should behave (i cannot recall a time when he did not pitch some kind of a fit during a family event)...or do you think I should leave it up to his mom? I know I was harsh earlier, and I have to be a big girl....s<strong>o I guess I will just have to outsmart the lil imp</strong> and have an excellent wedding dispite his efforts lol
    Posted by lindztoken[/QUOTE]

    I am sorry he has and ASD and you are really saying these things? Please clarify.
    Otherwise I harshly judge you and every one else in this thread as trash.
  • edited December 2011
    I would appreciate not being harshly judged - I made my opinion of the original post clear, and since then have just being trying to offer suggestions as to how to help get her brother ready for a situation he may never have experienced before (which I know from experience can cause more/different behaviors than usual).

    I'm just trying to help make everyone happy Laughing
  • edited December 2011
    Why would you exclude him?  That doesnt make sense to me.  You can find other ways to keep him occupied.

    If video games keep him occupied, why not buy him one for the wedding?  If he has a handheld, just let him sit and do it. 

    I think its a good idea to teach him the proper way to act in social situations.  But I dont think excluding him is the option.  That will only make your relationship worse.
  • nda_roxybabenda_roxybabe member
    10000 Comments Eighth Anniversary 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Do you not understand that he has some sort of disability? Do you think he has purposely made video games what he cares about the most? I don't think you understand.
  • Lenore2010Lenore2010 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think you need to care a little more about your brother and a little less about having The Perfect Wedding. Excluding him because of his disability is just plain bad, and a move I am sure many of your relatives would judge harshly.

    If he had a propensity for violence or angry outbursts it would be a different situation, but autism spectrum disorders do not make for those issues.

    What, you are worried he will rock, stare, say something inappropriate or just not talk to people much so you want to exclude him? No. Just no. We are not "judging" we are telling you this is not something you should do. You asked, we are answering.

    Also, the edit is not good. When you saw people were not on board with what you obviously want to do, you tried to cover up your brother's disability? Stupid-and deceptive.
  • edited December 2011
    Agreed. You can't "outsmart" anyone with a disability. Clearly you don't understand the scope of your brother's issues. I

    'm with you in the sense that I udnerstand his disabilities are very hard to accommodate. Angry, rude, or violent outbursts are indeed a challenge in social situations like your wedding.

    But remember that weddings are not the hallmark of a marriage...they are the very beginning of a long relationship between families. Your brother will not go away. You will have him in your life for a very long time (if you are all so blessed), and there is no better time than now to start having these conversations with your fiance, your parents, and your brother's caregivers about how to fully include him in your life, despite his disabilities (however challenging they may be for ALL involved).
    image
  • edited December 2011
    @ lenore "If he had a propensity for violence or angry outbursts it would be a different situation, but autism spectrum disorders do not make for those issues."

    Having been on the receiving end of a violent and angry outburst from many students with ASD, I can assure you they do make those issues.  From the original post (which I know most people did not read) it does not appear that those are her brother's issues, but that doesn't mean it can't happen. 

    I'm not defending her original decision, or her comments about her brother since I was the first person to voice my disapproval of the situation, but there are strategies that can be used to help him get through what is probably a difficult and awkward environment for him.  My initial reaction was to go on the attack, but without constructive suggestions, that doesn't create a way to correct the situation or feelings between her and her brother.
  • lindztokenlindztoken member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yes I edited the post, thought there was too much personal info on there and I took all those things I said into consideration...in a sense they were true but none of the people on here need to know that now, I've gathered all your opinions demands judments etc....and Ive made an educated descision.  The outsmart comment I made was my sense of humor ...he is a smart smart boy (i didn't say that earlier)  clearly Ive offened several people here...asked for an opinion from strangers so I didn't offend my own family(and thanks to all you girls I didnt)...I understand he has problems....no need to get all riled up...he has expressed that he wants to walk my Grandma down the isle!!  I guess I didn't express properly before that if my wedding was somewhere that he didn't want to be he certainly wouldn't be coopertive..but now that talk to him about it...he does want to be there and it's something he is willing to work at....So stop trying to make me feel like the bad guy...I asked the Knot so I WOULDN'T hurt his feelings.   You guys can yell at each other all you want...but calm down, he will be at my wedding .;..  Thanks but you guys really have no idea what your judging at all you don't know him, and there's no way I can explain it to you because seems to me a few people have theyre own stereo types on the asd issue and he really doesnt fall into your predetermined ideas about him...and neither do i...I won't be reading anymore of your posts so have fun. (and a sincere thank you to those that hlped me to understand)
  • edited December 2011
    I see what you mean awillis about offering an educated opinion but the poster is cleary being a self centered idiot about this. I guess I don't have the patience you do for people who are THIS lacking in compassion and understanding. Personally, I don't think she deserves your help.

    There is no way in hell OP you are getting validation from me, and there is not way in hell I will stop judging you. I may not know all, but I know enough. Obviously you should not give a flying fluck what I think, but if you are even an inkling like this IRL you are fooling no one and hurting people. Think on that.
  • edited December 2011
    love to hate, meaghanandmichael? None of us has any idea what the OP has possibly experienced - maybe this brother has "ruined" (in quotes b/c it's all relative) all of her previous life events. Maybe she really is as horribly thoughtless as you say. i am not defending her or her query and don't agree with her even having to question this, but this is not the forum to viciously attack and ruthlessly judge people just b/c you're cloaked in anonymity. Obviously, you take her stance to be very personally offensive, but getting worked up and spouting hurtful rhetoric does no one any good. Please, just take a deep breath and realize that if you really want to the OP to value your opinion, insulting her is not the way to do it.  
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_massachusetts-cape-cod_distant-brother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:94Discussion:3d497388-73ca-47b6-bf67-9d7e75af6c62Post:fde38f30-83d5-4c06-960e-9b8351d6ce01">Re: touchy problem</a>:
    [QUOTE]love to hate, meaghanandmichael? None of us has any idea what the OP has possibly experienced - maybe this brother has "ruined" (in quotes b/c it's all relative) all of her previous life events. Maybe she really is as horribly thoughtless as you say. i am not defending her or her query and don't agree with her even having to question this, but this is not the forum to viciously attack and ruthlessly judge people just b/c you're cloaked in anonymity. Obviously, you take her stance to be very personally offensive, but getting worked up and spouting hurtful rhetoric does no one any good. Please, just take a deep breath and realize that if you really want to the OP to value your opinion, insulting her is not the way to do it.  
    Posted by [email protected][/QUOTE]

    It is the internet, if you put yourself out there you get it back. For what it is worth I would absolutely say the exact same to any family member or friend who tried the same crap. Planning a wedding does not give you the right to hurt people.
  • edited December 2011
    I hope that all of you who are so morally opposed to OP are teachers and advocates of children/young adults with special needs.  We could use more passionate people like you guys.
  • edited December 2011
    Meaghanandmichael - you make excellent arguments on all 3 counts. Your comment about people putting stuff out there on the internet made me stop and think . . . and i'm kind of surprised to find that I agree with you.  thanks for the eye-opener!
  • Lenore2010Lenore2010 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My apologies on my inaccurate comment on autism spectrum disorders. Having friends and relatives with these issues, I had never heard of violent outbursts as a part of these but if those more knowledgeable say it can happen I am sure it does.

    All the info I have seen here leads me to agree with MegandMike (for short). The OP needs more compassion and less self absorption, and YES you did put yourself out on the Internet, so deal with the opinions. That is all they are, take then or leave them.
  • kitsunecutiekitsunecutie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My 17 year old Brother has Asberger's among other disorders.  He has been very violent to the point of trapping me in a closet while stabbing kitchen knives through the door.  There is a strong violent tendency there.

    This being said, there has never been a doubt in my mind that he would be at or even in the wedding part as a groom's man, and my F feels the same.  We will not let his disorder define him as he does have a heart of gold.  If he needs to sit at the back of the church and play on his PSP to keep him engaged and happy, that is what we will deem appropriate... hopefully he will remember to turn down the volume ;)

    Try to be a bit more sensitive.  I know it is hard, but he is blood and he deserves a fair shot at proving himself able to handle an adult event.
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