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Inviting ex spouses to the wedding

jdtfeltonjdtfelton member
First Comment
in Second Weddings
 Both me and my husband to be are going our second wedding. We both have children from previous marriages. Our children are going to be in the wedding. My husband to be has a terrific relationship with his ex wife and she has been so good to me. I perform in the arts and she has supported me by attending my performances and brings her mom and sisters. She invites me to her family gatherings and her family -mom, sisters have been so kind. My husband to be and his ex have a dual type of relationship in raising their son who is now 16 years. The have been divorced since the child was 3 years old. I have always been welcomed in the ex's home and she has included me in the care of  my soon to be stepson. She has a daughter from a previous relationship that is now an adult. I was invited to all her function's as well  -high school, college, you name it. I would like to invite the ex to the wedding but I do not know if this is appropriate. I wonder if it would be offensive to her. But I wonder if I don't  invite her will she be offended because of the current relationship we have.  We are all involved with the children and I think  she should be there, but I am afraid to talk to her because i don't want her to take it in a wrong light and I would want her and her family to be comfortable . Would it be ok if my husband to be talks to her to feel her out? Should I not invite her? Will she understand if I don't? She is a nice person as well as her family. But this is sensitive like a Pandora box. Any suggestions?
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Re: Inviting ex spouses to the wedding

  • ichellemay1ichellemay1
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I think it's great that your FI and his ex have kept a positive relationship.  That has to be so good for the kids involved.  You and your FI should have a talk about it - how does he feel? 

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  • jdtfeltonjdtfelton member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

     Hi .
    Well my husband to be does not mind her or her family being there, we have spoke about it. He is real casual  about it. we have traveled together for kid events and church before. But this is different it is a wedding to her ex husband.  So I am not sure if it is appropriate and concered about sparing feelings and having a comfort level either way.

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  • redheadtmkredheadtmk member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If they have been divorced for 13 years, are actively raising the child together, and she has invited you into her home and life in general, I would think an invitation would be okay. It seems like she is mature enough to realize the good intentions behind it and would politely RSVP no if it made her uncomfortable.
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  • 2dBride2dBride member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My ex-husband was at our wedding.  Indeed, he jokingly volunteered to give me away.  I spoke to him briefly before we sent the invitation, saying we would understand if it felt awkward for him, but he was enthusiastic.  When he broke up with his girlfriend before the wedding day, we even invited his sister (who lived in the area).
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  • fireytigerfireytiger member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think it's okay to invite an ex to your wedding. I am still friends with my ex-fiance, but I felt just as worried about offending him or hurting his feelings as you are about your FI's ex. But after fretting about it for a long time, I realized that in the end, he is an adult and I couldn't try to decide for him. If I didn't invite him, there was a 100% chance he wouldn't come, but if I did invite him, there was a chance he would decide to come. It was his choice whether to accept or decline, and his choice whether to take offense or not. I did end up talking to him when we were making the guest list, and I asked him how he would feel about being invited to the wedding, considering the circumstances. He said he had thought about it and he wasn't entirely sure. So I told him I would go ahead and mail him one, just in case, because I consider him a friend. He did eventually decline, unfortunately, but again, it was his choice to make.

    In your situation, I think if you're really worried about it, let your FI feel her out as you said, but I think considering your relationship, it wouldn't be inappropriate to invite her. It's her decision as to how SHE feels about being there, and she may come, or may not. But something tells me that in this situation, she wouldn't take offense to you wanting to include her in your joy. Good luck!
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  • ichellemay1ichellemay1
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with PP - if everyone is ok with it - invite her.  If she decides later that it would be awkward - she can decline.
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  • MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think it would be fine to invite her and her family if they are at all uncomfortable with the invitation they will decline and let it go at that. 
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  • RNMOMTO3RNMOMTO3 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I have to agree with all the PP that say its ok if everyone is comfortable with it. Its fabulous that you have such a special relationship with her that you are considering her feelings but really want her there. I have to say though that it would probably mean a lot to her to hear it from you how much her friendship means to you and that if she is comfortable with it, you would love her to be there. It will make her decision easier knowing for 100% sure you really welcome her presence at your wedding. She may be as nervous about this as you are.
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