My mother... sigh.

cmk46202 · April 2011

So glad I found this board! Was married for the first time when I was 23. We all but eloped (my parents came, his didn't). Now that I am getting married again (13 years later), my parents both really like my FI and seem happy for us. Of course the problem is my mother ... we are paying for the wedding ourselves and have a reasonable budget for us. She keeps making cracks about how the wedding will cost "a fortune" because we're serving dinner for 75 people. She even asked how in the world we knew 75 people.

We live in different states so I'm trying to think of something for her to do that is wedding-related so that she feels involved ... but isn't involved enough to drive me crazy. Ideas?

mybooboos · April 2011

Congratulations on your engagement, and welcome to the boards!

Your mother sounds like mine. She tells people, "I can't believe she's planning this million dollar wedding". All because I hired a photographer, and separate music for the ceremony and the reception. Oh, and when I sent out the STDs, she called me to say, "what a total waste of money... no one does this". I've learned that limited information works best with her, so there's a limited amount for her to complain/comment about.

Give her something that involves her, such as shopping for her dress. Start her out with a stack of wedding magazines. This way, she can not only look at dress styles, but also peruse some wedding advice/etiquette/ideas articles, which may get her more jazzed up for your wedding, once she reads how other weddings are done.

Good luck!

Marrin713 · April 2011

My mom lives in Florida and I'm in Chicago. I got pretty much the same thing from her. When I said reception was going to be at a golf club, immed. she got the idea that golf club = country club. Anyway, what I did was when I made my yearly trip down to FL before the wedding, we went dres shopping. And yes, I allowed her to talk me into something I didn't really really want but in the end it worked out okay.

About 2 weeks before the wedding she came to Chicago for a month to help. That was it's own special brand of crazy but as long as she had some tasks to keep her busy she was fine. Thank God for my best friend who was DIYing the centerpieces and the guest book. My mom helped her with that kind of stuff.

cmk46202 · April 2011

Those are both good ideas. I'm going to Michigan in a few months so I might ask her if she wants to go look at dresses, even if it is her dress.

RealWedding · April 2011

I know this seems annoying but just be thankful your mom is alive to see you happy. My folks didn't live to see me divorce a guy they hated and to marry someone they would have loved.

wolfsmagic13 · April 2011

I have to agree with RetreadBride, keep her on a need to know basis. My own mother is doing the same thing to me and she did have control over my first wedding. This time around, she doesn't and even got offended when I told her what colour my step mother was wearing (just so they didn't match and my mother is that shallow that she would have made a big deal over it if they were in the same colour). She has gone as far as not talking to me right now but at least now I can finish up the final details in peace and not have her yelling about why so and so isn't coming or why I am having beef instead of salmon like she would rather have. Good luck though with your mom

rapunnzzll · April 2011

Welcome and congrats. My parents live in another state and are both very happy for us. My mom of course mentioned that instead of spending "all that money on a wedding", just go to the courthouse. After explaining how fi and I felt about the celebration, she agreed and has never been anything other than supportive and happy for us. I hope you are able to find a balance that works for you and your mother.

thealphabride · April 2011

Congratulations on your engagement and welcome to the board, here's my story:

When I first told my family and friends we were getting married and having a formal wedding the eyebrows raised. My mom was the only one who was fully supportive all the way from the engagement through the entire process.

My older sister and a few friends couldn't believe I was having a formal wedding, why not just save the money? You are crazy for spending that kind of money on a wedding especially a second wedding. I was 50 when I got engaged.

This is what I told them:

"Well, you all had weddings and I was in them without complaint. I did not have a formal wedding with a reception or guests the first time around. I really want a wedding! I own my home, have no debt, have money in the bank to pay for it, so what's it to you if I want to do this with all of my loved ones present?" This is what I told them and it shut them up. My son was super excited when we got engaged. He wanted to be the "ring boy" we convinced him that escorting the bride was a better gig. He was 14 when we got married.

We are GREEK. (enough said?) Mom was supportive and kept the sisters in line. In fact she told them "you all had your day, it's your sister's turn, you should be supportive". No one crosses mom. When I would ask mom's opinion on anything her pat answer: It's your wedding, it's a beautiful idea. We had fun sharing in wedding magazines, me playing her wedding songs on my computer, showing her cakes, and flowers, and pics of my venue, having her help me pick the menu, it was special time for us. I helped her and my future MIL pick their outfits. It was fun, fun, fun. We went out to lunch after. She is now 79 and in good health and I pray she stays around a long time.

EVERYONE was fully on board and supportive as the wedding plans unfolded. I planned and paid for the whole thing and gave no one jobs. My sisters gladly agreed to be my bridesmaids, and were excited to help me with the final details, My jewelry, hair, undergarments, and getting ready together on the wedding day was really special to all of us. It was just my 2 sisters, my son, my mom, and my MIL. We all had our make up done together (my gift to them), and they helped me get dressed and fawn over my son in his tux, and we had pro photog there for the getting ready pics, it was really fun. My older sister even made Greek specialty cookies for the reception.

I also was not a bridezilla either. I told my sisters to pick a gown in their price range, it could be long or short, any style that matched the style of my gown, any color that matched my colors (any jewel tone) you can pick your own shoes, jewelry, and wear your hair the way you want to. They picked a beautiful long gown that matched and both looked gorgeous on the wedding day. They each wore a hairstyle that flattered them, one up, one down, and their own jewelry. In the end there was NO drama, just a loving family and all supported my decision and raved at how gorgeous the wedding was.

Sometimes you need to let some time go by for everyone to get on board. As the wedding gets closer, people get excited...

TeresaB2011 · April 2011

Wow a board that others have a mother like mine. So glad to have found you.

This is my second wedding, no dress, no cake, no guests, nothing. This was in 1984 and it was a mistake but one I had to learn.

Now, as an older bride, I consider this my first formal wedding. I dreamed of one all my life and now I can pay for it myself. So I am doing it.

Of course my mom is not coming. We are in MA she is in FL. She is not excited, nor is she happy for me, nor does she want anything to do with it. I sent her a STD magnet, and I had to call her to find out if she got it. She did. End of story.

She said she did not think she could come, due to her money situation, and poor eyesight. She is 76 but a healthy 76. We have never been really close so I went out on a limb and told her how important it was to me to have my mom there. I opened my heart and really told her how I felt. SO then she says, I will try. We did talk about it a little. Next time, she is back to not coming. I give up, don't come then is how I feel.

Of course there is way more to the history and story but you get the idea. It was such a let down for me.

I have now gotten over it and am moving on.

Happy planning ladies.

renjon7798 · April 2011

Here is what I am doing, and it may sound harsh, but I have to do it this way. My mother will no NOTHING about my wedding plans until the day of. I can't have a simple conversation with my mother about the weather without her throwing something in about money. (currently her new thing is the fact I buy bottled water. She is convinced this simply thing will drive me into the poor house)

My FI and I are paying for every single detail of this wedding ourselves. It is a full church wedding and sit down dinner reception with about 250 guests. My mother has no idea and won't know. It will save me so much stress and fighting to just keep her out of the loop.

(I should point out that my mother was born in the early 40's in very rural Iowa. She has the mentality that if you can't grow it or make it, you don't need it.)

coopsmom03 · April 2011

Well lets see...
This is my third marriage, my FI too. We have six children between us. After the behavior from my mother about my first two marriages, I am afraid to tell her about this one.
My first husband and I are really good friends, my second husband not so much. We have been divorced almost a month but separated for over a year.
I haven't told my mom yet, I dread it for sure. We are planning for August, I guess I will have to tell her soon though. We have a ring being made, as soon as he proposes I'll tell her and suffer the fail out.
Pray for me!

My mother... sigh.

Re: My mother... sigh.

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