Thank yous and In laws

caseyeverhart · August 2010

I'm trying to get A LOT of things completed before I start back to school in a couple of weeks and was making up a basic draft of our program. I got to the Thank yous on the back and was just going to write some notes for when I'm ready to finish them up.

Here is the issue (or what I think is an issue?). I know the thank yous are supposed to go to both sets of familes (Fiance's and mine), though, Fiance's family has been almost completely MIA the whole time we've been dating. 4 years of dating and I've met the majority of them 3 times. They currently live an hour and a half away and have never come to visit us (we are always the ones to visit them).

The only thing I've gotten from them about the wedding is a cousin demanding her and her other cousin needed jobs in the wedding (via Facebook), and a question about what color dresses I would want them to wear (via Myspace).

My family on the other hand has been here for both of us since the beginning. We've gone through a couple of really rough patches (not in our relationship but just life things) and my family has dropped everything to come help/support us. They have been there 24/7 since the beginning and are extremely involved in the wedding planning/decisions and really just with our lives.

As far as thank yous go, I want to express my extreme gratitude for everything my family has done for us and really tell the world how thankful I am for all their support and care over the years.

I thought about writing individual cards so I can really personalize it but I still want to put a thank you on the programs and make a speech at the RD.

So this leaves me with this: If you were in this situation, how would you handle this?

I feel as if I write this big long thank you, keeping up with how my families will be, about how amazing Fiance's family has been and how they have been so supportive and such to us would be a complete fabrication. Most of our wedding party/guests would probably know that to. On the flip side if I make both the thank yous really short I feel as if I'm really jipping my family, and I really want everyone to know how thankful I am?

This also goes for our speech at the RD?

Let me know what you guys think. Sorry about my long, rambling post!

wlfpkbride · August 2010

I'm not really sure how I would handle this because both sides of family were supportive. DH's dad as an individual was very hands off but his mom & step dad were a huge help. On our programs we wrote a short & sweet message to our family & friends, no specific people. At the RD we thanked our families...his dad wasn't an issue because he didn't even show up for it. He made it easy for us.

pirategal03 · August 2010

You're not just thanking them for their involvement in your relationship and the wedding, you're thanking them for the involvement in your lives/growing up. If they were supportive of your FI when he was younger, and a big part of his life, then tackle it from that angle. You thank your family, and have him thank his.

caseyeverhart · August 2010

They were sort of always hands off when he was growing up. Putting it bluntly, he was sort of thrown around between parents (his parents are divorced and he now has no relationship with his father) and a sister is how I understand it. He didn't go to his high school graduation (if I remember) and they didn't do anything for college graduation.

My family and I are REALLY close so I may have a biased opinion of "being there" also.

FutureMrsFraser · August 2010

I think you should just write a general thank you to family and friends etc. etc. etc. in the program and write an individual thank you fully expressing how much you appreciate your parents/family's help and give it to them.

FI's Mom has been more helpful to me in the wedding planning process, but I'm not going to thank her more than I would thank my mother in the program because they both have helped, just one of them has helped more, but that's not so much the point to me, just the fact that they helped at all is enough.

I do understand that your situation is a little different than mine though.

ashstwrt · August 2010

Here's what mine said: "We would like to thank your family and friends for joining us as we begin our new life together. We are truly blessed to have so many wonderful people in our lives. Special thanks to our parents for your unconditional support."

DH's parents are divorced, and both are remarried. He grew up with his mom and her new husband and after he turned 18, he barely saw his dad because he lived in another city. His dad is really nice to both of us, but he had absolutely nothing to do with the wedding (payment or planning or anything). We still did a general "thank you" to the parents, because it's the nice thing to do and like PP said, his dad WAS there for him in his early years. HTH!

CJ4578 · August 2010

I'm sorry you have to figure that one out, that's a tough call. The safest thing to do would probably just be a general thank-you, like PP said. That way you avoid drama, and your family knows all they did for you and and that you appreciate them. And if, like you said, the wedding guests know the in-laws did nothing then they'll assume the thank-you is for your family.

Our problem is similar in the opposite way- all our families helped, but we have family friends that just were wonderful- they're hosting our wedding at their house, they bought my dress/paid for alterations, they've even offered us their beach house for our honeymoon. And they've done it all with no strings (unlike our families, whom we love, who keep saying "well I did X so YOU have to invite/do/wear X!") I want to thank them profusely in the program, but my family is really pissed that someone besides them is so involved in the wedding and I don't want to start drama. So... yeah. My solution is actually probably to not have a program, and just do verbal thank-yous (while my mom is in the bathroom so she can't hear :-P) at the RD.

Avoidance of drama, my new mantra.

Good luck! It will all work out in the end!

Thank yous and In laws

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