No gift at wedding - do you address it?

dvandyck · May 2010

I know this issue I am bringing to light has been addressed many times by friends of mine. I wanted to get some fresh perspectives from past brides now that my wedding is over. We had a destination wedding and we know that for many people just making it to the wedding was a huge commitment. So we do not expect gifts from the loved ones who travelled many miles. However we do have a group of friends who attended the wedding which was a 3 hour drive from where we all live. They were already planning on making a weekend trip to our destination wedding because one of the gentleman's birthday was the same weekend. They mentioned several times over the proceeding months how the wedding was a fun event for them to attend on Sunday while they were in town. Rather than the weekend being any sort of celebration for our marriage. That obviously already got under my skin. The group (2 couples and 2 single guys) proceeded to get very intoxicated at the wedding and then didn't sign the guest book, leave a card or let alone a present. I am just curious how long etiquette says guests have to send a card or gift? At some point I think I should be able to politely comment on how that hurt us that they did not even give a congratulatory card, etc. Obviously my husband and I were really taken back by their behavior at the wedding as well but we can chalk that up to them making a spectacle of themselves and forget it. I really do not have any clue if there is an etiquette around this sort of thing. I appreciate any help you ladies may have on this! Thanks.

sophs_ro · May 2010

Yeah i think i would be more annoyed that they viewed the wedding as 'something to do' on the Sunday evening.

Did you get the impression they were just at your wedding to eat the food and drink the booze or did they seem like they wanted to be there because they wanted to celebrate?

Yeah you can't 'expect' a gift or card but these people do seem quite rude. I would just let it go though, don't dwell on it and enjoy being newlyweds!!

pterribilini · May 2010

I would say, if they are good friends, let it go. If you don't care to ever speak to them again though, a passive-agressive comment like, "Did you guys leave us a card? I can't seem to find one?" will either clue them in to their heinous behavior or they'll be too dense to get the reference. Either way, you'll feel better if you say something.

NBVitamine · May 2010

Let it go. These people obviously just saw your wedding as "something to do". Insulting, I know, but there are people like that out there.

cutypie953 · May 2010

Yeah, we had a lot of college friends not bring a gift. One even was a couple who is getting married in a few weeks, you would think they would know it is proper....but I agree with everyone, unfortunately we have to let it go...gifts are just one of those things were we need to just be thankful for the ones we get...

Lenore2010 · May 2010

These people are not worth getting fussed up about. Every wedding, DW or not has a few of these types. They come for free food and booze and could not care less about you getting married. Wedding are an occasion in some respects to see who your true friends are.

Jules08 · May 2010

Absolutely not. You sound gift-grabby and very beebee-ish by even posting this. The only thing out of all of that that you could do / ask them would be to bring them the guest book and say: "these are easy to overlook at any wedding: we noticed that you may not have gotten a chance to sign and in the future as we look back we don't want to miss having a record that you were there to celebrate with us."

Your wedding was not supposed to be about what people gave you to congratulate you. You invited them they showed up and they celebrated - send them a thank you card for taking time out of their weekend to be with you and leave it be. They were in town for more than your wedding, it was just an even for them, it was just an event for the rest of your guests too.

Your wedding was only the most important thing for you and your new husband. They didn't do anything against ettiquette by not leaving a gift or card (while it is certainly appreciated, but it is most definitely not required), by asking them about it, you would be going against everything in the ettiquette rules.

Grow up and move on.

Jules08 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_gift-wedding-address?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:dcb014f6-ddd1-48e4-b06d-d9f5fbe83a51Post:e284667a-ef07-4468-aca6-b89f8cfe2d00">Re: No gift at wedding - do you address it?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not talking about expecting a gift. I think as a bride its natural that your feelings are hurt when your friends come completely empty handed to your wedding. It doesn't kill anyone to bring a $2 card.
Posted by bmd14[/QUOTE]

If you are putting more importance on a $2 card that is going to sit in a box at the bottom of a closet rather than the fact that they actually attending your wedding and celebrating with you in the moment then I feel that your priorities are in the wrong place.

I could have gave a crap about anything we received (don't get me wrong, we were extremely grateful for everything) but to me the day was about being with friends and family and actually being married to my husband.

Apparently there were a number of people who showed up at our wedding with no gift or card. This was September of 08 and I can't remember who and I honestly don't care and never had. I only know that this happened because when it came time to write the thank you notes, they received ones that thanked them for coming (w/o mention of a gift): they still got a thank you note from us because that gesture was more important to us than any gift or card. If they had a great time at our wedding and were well fed - I was happy and I know I did my job as the bride and host of the event.

bmd14 · May 2010

It is not your place to discuss my "priorities". You don't know me and your taking this a little far. You don't care about gifts...good for you! That was't what I was saying.

thealphabride · May 2010

To answer you original question, guests have up to a year after the wedding to send a gift or card.

Dani0203 · May 2010

I don't think it's nice to question someone for posting this question. I think it's a valid concern. And this board is supposed to be a place for people to ask questions and get answers, not have people condescend.

To answer your question, though, I don't think you should say anything (as tempting as it is!). It's not a matter of being gift-grabby, it's common sense and courtesy. The bride and groom are throwing this party for the guests to enjoy, the guests generally should bring something for the bride and groom- if nothing more than a congratulatory card. It's the thought that counts. They weren't invited to show up, eat the food you paid for, drink the booze you paid for, enjoy the party you paid for, just for the sake of it. The were invited to celebrate the bride and groom, and it's the right thing to do to bring a card or gift for them. But they should WANT to do this. The fact that they didn't is annoying, but it's nothing you can change or really ask about without being yourself rude and going against everything 'ettiquette' says. Trust me- I'm in a similar position. Not only did my bridal shower get canceled on the day of due to a freak snowstorm- and only 2 of the 35 confirmed guests sent their gifts, 50% of our wedding declined and aside from the fact that only a handful of the declines still sent a card, several people who went to the wedding also didn't bring anything. We didn't even get hugs from them the entire night!

So you feelings are justified, but I wouldn't do anything about it. Just move on and remember not to bring anything to their weddings!

Jules08 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_gift-wedding-address?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:dcb014f6-ddd1-48e4-b06d-d9f5fbe83a51Post:0006bedc-681c-43c0-8cee-7649bfac07ae">Re: No gift at wedding - do you address it?</a>:
[QUOTE]It is not your place to discuss my "priorities". You don't know me and your taking this a little far. You don't care about gifts...good for you! That was't what I was saying.
Posted by bmd14[/QUOTE]

Haha, seriously?! Wow, this is just the internet so you can take things as you wish, but just remember that if you put it out there, I have every right to judge, comment, or discuss.

The fact that I disagree with you doesn't mean I was taking things too far, you put up an argument and I rebutted it...it's called a conversation. This is not snarky, just a fact.

My main points:
OP was more concerned about what her friends gave (in this case didn't give) rather than the fact that they took time out of their previously planned weekend to celebrate with her.

Being there is more important than a $2 card that will get tossed or put in a box and stored at the bottom of a closet.

If you need a gift from your guests for them to prove that they cared about your wedding then yes, you do sound shallow, gift-grabby, and beebee-ish.

I would never attend a wedding w/o bringing a gift, but I would never judge someone who didn't bring one. <u>You absolutely do not know their financial situation</u> and it might have taken a lot for them just to be there.

Jules08 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_gift-wedding-address?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:dcb014f6-ddd1-48e4-b06d-d9f5fbe83a51Post:e26f86af-0327-467e-afd2-ff5952f1dbdc">Re: No gift at wedding - do you address it?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think it's nice to question someone for posting this question. I think it's a valid concern. And this board is supposed to be a place for people to ask questions and get answers, not have people condescend. Posted by Dani0203[/QUOTE]

Good lord... yes it is okay to question the OP that why we post on the boards otherwise it would be a matter of "let's post for validation of our ideas and thoughts."

These boards are not all puppy dogs and rainbows, sometimes you needs someone to speak out against all of the validation and show you another point of view.

[QUOTE] They weren't invited to show up, eat the food you paid for, drink the booze you paid for, enjoy the party you paid for, just for the sake of it. Posted by Dani0203[/QUOTE]

Yes, actually that's what the invite was for, otherwise you would add on the invite "you must bring a gift and this is what you should spend"

[QUOTE] But they should WANT to do this. Posted by Dani0203[/QUOTE]

Maybe they wanted to but couldn't afford it? Also, if this is the case, they should NOT be expected to explain this to the B&G either.

[QUOTE]only 2 of the 35 confirmed guests sent their gifts
Posted by Dani0203[/QUOTE]

That's truly unfortunate that your shower was cancelled and generous of those who still sent the gifts. Perhaps the others thought the shower would be re-scheduled and once they realized it wasn't going to be, since their was no shower, then they figured no need to send the gift, hold onto it until the wedding.

It seems 33 agree with that logic, there's probably a reason for that.

[QUOTE] Just move on and remember not to bring anything to their weddings! =)
Posted by Dani0203[/QUOTE]

This is just an immature statement. If you feel that you want to bring them a gift, then by all means do so.

bellebride116 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_gift-wedding-address?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:dcb014f6-ddd1-48e4-b06d-d9f5fbe83a51Post:10e51e8e-7e4d-49c1-91be-2dee858db614">Re: No gift at wedding - do you address it?</a>:
[QUOTE]This is a direct quote on gift giving wedding etiquette from emily post: "However, to not send a gift altogether is in poor taste. A wedding invitation carries with it an obligation to send a gift, even if you cannot attend the actual wedding." So I disagree completely with the statement that failing to give a gift/card of any value is not a breach of etiquette. Its classless.
Posted by bmd14[/QUOTE]

I agree with this! Just as you expect certain things from your host, I think you expect certain things from a guest. When you are invited to a wedding you should send a gift whether or not you plan to attend - it's just social etiquette. The problem lies with different people's perception of etiquette.

bellebride116 · May 2010

OH, but to answer your question. We too had people not give a gift at our destination wedding. However, as much as I WANTED to address it, we did not. Husband just wants to let it go... I however, deep down, cannot.

bmd14 · May 2010

Jules08 ~ I missed the part where I said I expected a gift from my guests to prove that they cared about my wedding. The poster asked a legitimate question which I tried to answer. And yes, you do sound snarky.

Jules08 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_gift-wedding-address?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:dcb014f6-ddd1-48e4-b06d-d9f5fbe83a51Post:fe08cd0c-0d9a-4213-a847-f56a5180fda9">Re: No gift at wedding - do you address it?</a>:
[QUOTE]Jules08 ~ I missed the part where I said I expected a gift from my guests to prove that they cared about my wedding. The poster asked a legitimate question which I tried to answer. And yes, you do sound snarky.
Posted by bmd14[/QUOTE]

Never once did I direct that particular comment to you, please don't read between the lines.

I, as well, attempted to give a legitimate perspective as that is what she asked for, it was just different than yours: that doesn't make me snarky. It sounded as if her friends had validated her thoughts and she wanted a fresh light on the issue from past brides. Me being a past bride had a new prospective for her to consider. I never attacked the OP, I just said that I Ifelt that her response to the issue sounded beebee-ish and gift-grabby.

Again, please don't read between the lines or make assumptions about what I say. You questioned my response and I answered that, if that's snarky, then a fair warning, I wouldn't migrate to any of the other national boards because they are full of snark.

Now, the OP's question has been mis-directed enough. I will stand by my responses as you should yours if you truly believe in what you say.

GL to you and all the best.

Dani0203 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_gift-wedding-address?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:dcb014f6-ddd1-48e4-b06d-d9f5fbe83a51Post:df3aa113-7c5d-4cda-91c6-928881780a9d">Re: No gift at wedding - do you address it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: No gift at wedding - do you address it? : Good lord... yes it is okay to question the OP that why we post on the boards otherwise it would be a matter of "let's post for validation of our ideas and thoughts." These boards are not all puppy dogs and rainbows, sometimes you needs someone to speak out against all of the validation and show you another point of view. Yes, actually that's what the invite was for, otherwise you would add on the invite "you must bring a gift and this is what you should spend" Maybe they wanted to but couldn't afford it? Also, if this is the case, they should NOT be expected to explain this to the B&G either. That's truly unfortunate that your shower was cancelled and generous of those who still sent the gifts. Perhaps the others thought the shower would be re-scheduled and once they realized it wasn't going to be, since their was no shower, then they figured no need to send the gift, hold onto it until the wedding. It seems 33 agree with that logic, there's probably a reason for that. This is just an immature statement. If you feel that you want to bring them a gift, then by all means do so.
Posted by Jules08[/QUOTE]
Ugh! Here's MY response to all of your responses to this post- you sound mean and ridiculous. Not once did I suggest that you can't disagree with someone, but your post called her names (gift-grabby, etc.) instead of just answering her question and giving your opinion on what she should do. Instead of saying 'no, don't address them about this" like the many other posters did, you felt the need to be rude about it. And you are rude in most of the posts I've read. There's no need for it aside from being condescending and cold. It is absolutely common knowledge that when you go to a wedding, you, in the VERY least, sign the guest book and bring a card. Two very simple things- on of which would cost you a total of three dollars, one of which is completely free. Her friends did neither, and she has the right to be upset. Should be say something- her question from the beginning, no. As everyone else managed to say politely. But she's not any of the names you called her, and her conern is valid. like I said- this isn't a place to make people feel foolish or less than yourself in some way, which is what you seem to do in most of your posts that I've read. By the way- my last comment was a joke. Get a sense of humor while you're at it.

No gift at wedding - do you address it?

Re: No gift at wedding - do you address it?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards