Chit Chat

BMs seem totally uninterested

Anyone else dealing with bridesmaids that don't seem to really care about the planning of the wedding? I mean maybe I have a false sense of how the wedding festivities are supposed to be. But in my mind.... the BMs are there for everything.  They call and ask you for updates. They come over to help DIY, they go shopping for stuff you need, they plan engagement, bridal, or bach parties, etc. Granted, my weddng is not until October 2010 (less than a year away), but I thought I'd have a little more involvement. Maybe if my mother wasn't sick she would help... but it just sees like I'm doing everything alone with no one inquiring about anything. WHEW I needed that ventSmile

Are your bridesmaids involved?

Re: BMs seem totally uninterested

  • I think you might have unreasonable expectations.  It would be nice if they were interested in those things, but it is not their responsibility to help with that stuff although some of it is traditionally done by your wedding party.  My bridesmaids shopped with me for my dress & their dresses.  They also threw me a shower.  We did not have an engagement party or bachelorette party.  Nobody is going to be as interested in your wedding as you are.  If your wedding is almost a year away, I wouldn't expect that they would be thinking about the wedding yet anyway.  I don't want to discourage you, but you will enjoy the wedding planning process and your friends more if you don't have expectations of what they should be doing.
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  • Yes, you are being unreasonable.

    Chances are your wedding is a mere faint blip on their social radar.  They have lives of their own; jobs, family, other friends, ect.  Also, some people, shocker I know, are really not into weddings or planning them.  All they want to do is show up in a dress, be supportive of the relationship, and party the night away.  Going shopping for matching shoes and spending a weekend assembling invitations is not their idea of a good time.  I am one that would easily fall into that category if it wasn't my own wedding I'm doing stuff for.

    I see no reason for them to call for random updates on the wedding, or to be at your every beck and call.  My BM's haven't really asked me anything, except my MOH who needed to know dates to ask for vacation time and to see if I needed anything done.  But no one else has really even mentioned it.  No worries for me.
  • I haven't really expected my bridesmaids to do much, they're all really busy with their own lives.  I'm within five months, and none of them have even found their dresses yet.  It's no big deal, it'll get done.

    What are you expecting them to do at this point?  They're more than likely not interested in scoping out venues, going shopping for your dress, or doing anything for the wedding that doesn't affect them.  The responsibility of planning the wedding falls on you and your FI; if it's too much for the two of you, hire a planner.  Don't expect your bridesmaids to be your unpaid staff, and don't expect them to totally put their own lives on hold for a big moment... that's happening to someone else.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • In Response to BMs seem totally uninterested:
    Anyone else dealing with bridesmaids that don't seem to really care about the planning of the wedding? I mean maybe I have a false sense of how the wedding festivities are supposed to be. But in my mind.... the BMs are there for everything.  They call and ask you for updates. They come over to help DIY, they go shopping for stuff you need, they plan engagement, bridal, or bach parties, etc. Granted, my weddng is not until October 2010 (less than a year away), but I thought I'd have a little more involvement. Maybe if my mother wasn't sick she would help... but it just sees like I'm doing everything alone with no one inquiring about anything. WHEW I needed that vent Are your bridesmaids involved?
    Posted by Chanel8174

    Yeah, unfortunately you do.  

    Despite what you see in movies, the wedding party isn't staff.  They may be planning showers and/or bachelorette parties, but that won't be 'til more like 3-4 months before your wedding, not now.  And they'll go shopping for their dresses with you, perhaps.  But the rest of it really isn't for them to do.  Some may offer, and you can even ask for help - politely! - if you need it, but don't be upset or insulted if they can't or won't help.  Some people are really busy and others just aren't into wedding planning, especially for someone else.

    But why do you feel like you're doing this alone?  Where's your FI?  Why isn't HE helping?

  • Oh, and I missed your question.

    My bridesmaids:
    MOH:  My sister.  She and our mom and I were the ones who went shopping for my dress.  We also shopped for the BM dresses.  And she spearheaded the planning of my shower & bachelorette party.  That's it.

    BM:  My friend since 8th grade.  She was in on the shower & bachelorette party.  That's it.  She offered to help with more, but lives an hour away so I didn't take her up on it because I didn't want to put her out.

    BM:  My friend from law school.  She was in on the shower and bachelorette party.  She didn't offer any other help and I didn't ask for any.  She lives in NYC, doesn't have a car, and it would've been silly for her to try and help with anything.  She *did* go out to dinner with me one night to help me relax when I was stressing, and we did our best to avoid wedding talk.  So that helped.

    As for how things got done:
    Venue:  Me & H.
    Invitations:  Me & H.
    Flowers:  Me & mom.
    DJ:  Me & H.
    Music playlist (ceremony AND reception):  Me & H.
    Ceremony content:  Me with approval from H.
    Menu:  Me & H.
    Cake:  Me & H.
    Officiant:  Me & H.
    My dress:  Me & mom & sis/MOH.
    BM dresses:  Me & mom & sis/MOH.
    BM shoes:  Each BM picked her own.
    My shoes:  Me & sis/MOH via email.
    My veil & tiara:  Me & mom & sis/MOH at the same time as my dress.
    STDs:  Me & H.
    Programs:  Me.
    Photoshare cards:  Me (Vistaprint).
    Accommodations cards:  Me (Vistaprint).
    Direction cards:  Venue.
    Place cards:  From venue, I wrote them out.
    Seating arrangement:  Mom did her friends, H & I did the rest.
    Guest sign-in:  Me & H.
    MOB dress:  Me, mom, sis/MOH, dad.
    Tuxes:  Me & H.
    Shower:  sis/MOH, BMs, mom.
    Bachelorette party:  sis/MOH, BMs, friends.
    Bachelor party:  GMs.

    I think that covers everything.
  • Have you talked to them about doing any of these things?

    also, how interested are you acting?
    I was supposed to be a bridesmaid in December (wedding was cancelled) and the bride never seemed interested in even discussing the wedding, therefore i wasn't really interested either. 

    The bridesmaids i see the most, and discuss the most wedding planning with, have become the most interested ones. They are the ones who have offered to go shopping with me, or plan parties. 
    Photobucket
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    You are being unreasonable. They are not staff.  Where is your FI and what about the groomsmen?  Why are you not upset at them?

    bridesmaids - my sister (MOH), BFF, 2 SIL, 5 nieces (all under 14). 

    how it broke downj:

    Venue - parents, DH and me
    Food tasting - parents, DH and me
    my dress - mom, sister, me
    BM dress - sister and BFF  (SILs told me to have them pick and they would wear whatever we choose)
    Flowers - me, parents, DH
    Officiant - me
    DJ - me
    Photographer - me
    candy buffet - DH
    cake tasting - mom and me
    programs - me
    place cards - sister (the week before the wedding)
    OOT bag letter - sister,me (the week before the wedding)
    shower - sister and BFF
    Invitation addressing - me, sister, BFF and mom (they were done 3 months before the wedding, but not sent out until 8 weeks out)

    As you can see, DH, myself and my parents (they paid) did most of the work.   With the exception of the dresses, the work my bridesmaids did were much closer to the wedding.  They did not need to be at my beck and call 11 months out.







    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I only have a MOH and no bridesmaids. I'll ask her to show up to the wedding and witness my marriage. Anything else is bonus. Mind you, my FH and I are planning this wedding pretty closely together, so I guess I have that support. Our wedding is in January 2011, and the dear boy likes to talk about it more than I do!

    To answer your question: What you are describing in your expectations is a wedding planner. Hire one.
  • I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you definitely have the wrong idea of how this works.  The purpose of having bridesmaids is to have the people closest to you stand up with you as you say your vows.  Everything else is optional.  Traditionally they will plan your shower and bachelorette party, but anything else they do is purely icing on the cake.

    Mine offered to help a lot, but it was mine and my husband's wedding, not theirs, and I didn't want to be a burden.  We planned everything.  Recruit the help of your FI.  It's really on you two to plan everything.  Good luck.
  • I'll also add that when you expect someone to help out, it becomes a chore and they're not thrilled to do it.  If you don't have those expectations and let them come to you, they'll be much more eager to help, because then it's their idea and their good deed. 

    I haven't asked for help with really anything (I did have my MOH and another BM go with me dress shopping, but they were more excited about it than I was), and I've been beseiged with offers of help.  At this point, I've just been thanking them and saying I'll let them know, because there is nothing for them to do.  I may enlist some help assembling invitations and programs and other DIY projects when it gets closer, but it's unnecessary right now.  And my wedding is six months before yours.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • I think the fact that the wedding seems so far away may make it seem like they are uninterested. My wedding is also in Oct 2010. My bridesmaids don't call to ask about updates. I usually call them or message them on Facebook. I've been talking to my MOH most of all because she's been a bridesmaid in a lot of weddings and organized a good wedding when she was a bride. Other than asking questions, all of the work has mostly fallen on me and some on my fiance. Some of the bridesmaids have asked if I need help but mostly the stuff I need to do is give deposits.

    I think when it gets closer to the date, your bridesmaids will get more excited. They'll realize how big of a deal it is for you and your fiance.
  • Honestly, I've been a BM before, and while I loved my brides to death, up until a few days before their wedding, I had my own life. It's not to say I didn't care about the flower arrangements or the font on the invitations ... but it also never occured to me that I should be calling up the bride for an "update" on these things. If they wanted me to see things or ask me questions, they did. But not once was *I* expected to be the one all jazzed about the details.

    Whether you like it or not, your wedding is not going to be the most important thing to anybody involved besides you or your FI. And honestly, if it were any other way, that just wouldn't be "healthy" for a multitude of reasons.

    My BMs are my 2 sisters (1 is the MOH) and my FI's sister. I have seen them for dress shopping and my shower (Which my mom and FI's cousin planned, apparently the 3 of them helped with the set-up, but they all volunteered to do so). My MOH also came over one night to help my tie ribbons on my invites (Which I still don't know why she offered to do that, but I appreciated the help).

    Other than that, I haven't seen them for ANYTHING wedding-related (I see them all regularly, but the wedding doesn't come up that much), and I'm pretty much a month out at this point.

    Pretty much everything that gets done is either me and FI, or if FI's busy or  it's "girl" thing (Like dress shopping), it's been me and my mom. A few times my grandmother has tagged along, but that's it.

    And like all the other weddings I've been in, I really don't expect them to get "involved" until a few days before (RD and such), and even then, 2 of them have kids, 1 has a full-time job and all of them attend school, so they do have other priorities. As long as everybody's running on time the day of, I could care less what goes on between now and then.

    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
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    "Meg cracks me up on the regular. Now she gets to do it in two different forums. Yay!!" ~mkrupar
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    In Response to BMs seem totally uninterested:
    I mean maybe I have a false sense of how the wedding festivities are supposed to be. Posted by Chanel8174
    Yup, your expectations are ridiculous.  BMs duties are to get a dress and show up.  Anything else they choose to do is going above and beyond.  The more you expect of them, the more it seems like crappy work to them, and the less they want to do it.

    If you need help planning your wedding, your FI is the one who should be helping.  If it is too much for the two of you, hire a planner or cut back. 
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    Oh, and to answer you question, no, my BMs really didn't do anything. 

    My MOH went dress shopping with me and went to the cake tasting with us b/c she loves cake. 

    My mom and another BM helped us make invitations. 

    My other two BMs didn't do anything.  They didn't come to showers or b-parties.  They didn't shop with me or make DIY projects or listen to wedding talk.  They still did everything I needed, and are incredible friends, because I don't value my friends by what they do for me. 
  • You've seen one too many movies/tv shows about weddings.

    I've been a BM multiple times.  I don't like weddings all that much.  I buy the dress, I show up at the wedding, and if I can afford to, I'll help with the shower and bach party.  And that's about it.  I don't like arts and crafts and don't care to spend my free time helping a bride make vendor decisions, make favors, taste cake, shop for her wedding dress, etc.

    Your BMs are not staff.  While I'm sure they are happy for you there is no requirement that they gush happiness all over you or help you do anything.  Planning is the couple's responsibility.  If you feel like you are doing everything alone you need to ask your FI for assistance.

    With that being said, my BMs picked their own dresses and most of them just showed up for the wedding.  My MOH did plan the shower and bach party.  Everything else DH and I did or I did with my mom.
  • You and your Fi should be doing most of the planning yourselves. You are marrying him, not your bridesmaids. There really isn't much for bridesmaids to do, other than dress shopping and fittings and being supportive. If you are bombarding them with non-stop wedding talk, they will tire of that quickly.
  • Meg has a good point.  Have you ever been in a wedding before?  Can you honestly say you gave a crap about the fonts on their invitations, where they were ordering tuxes, or how many servings of cake they needed?  I know i wouldn't. 
  • I do think you have unreasonable expectations.

    On the other side of things, it sucks if people just aren't interested.  You still have tons of time for people to get excited for you.  It's not like you're 2 weeks out and your BMs have decided you aren't important enough for them to even remember where the ceremony is.
  • Also, check out your local board and club boards.  Those are great places to talk wedding because those girls are planning, too, and will be just as excited as you are. 
  • THANKS EVERYONE for all the responses. I actually feel a little better now. YES, lol TV has made it seem like the BMs are there for everything. But, I got it now. You girls are great and I like the blunt honesty Smile 
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    Good! 

    And remember, you can always come talk about your wedding here.  A board full of wedding obsessed people will always listen!
  • Yeah, TK is where I get all my wedding energy out.  That way I don't inundate my friends and family with the inconsequential (to them) minutae of the planning.
  • I have not asked anyone to be a BM yet b/c my wedding is still 1.5 away.  They wanted to see pics of my dress and occassionally ask something about how my planning is going.  I imagine things to be about the same after I've asked them.  All I expect them to do is tell me which dress they'd like to wear (I'm going to give them a few options), buy the dress, show up, and be themselves.
  • Since most of my friends married before me, they are eager and knowledgeable bridesmaids.  I realize now that I was an "uninvolved" bridesmaid/guest at their weddings:)  You really have no clue how much there is to do until you do it yourself.  I do find my single bridesmaids to be much less involved, and also to be very concerned with their social events not being overshadowed by my wedding.  Case in point, a week before the wedding, one is having a work night bday dinner at a shish kabob place, FORMAL ATTIRE REQUIRED (by her, not the meat on a stick joint:)).  She even says she might wear the bm dress.  And really, I do not have time for this right now, nor am I going to bother arguing with her about possibly ruining her dress before wedding.  But she's made time for all my wedding related parties, so...I just take it with a grain of salt.  Sometimes being single sucks and being in a wedding makes it suckier!  If you need help or feel overwhelmed just come right out and ask them.  Chances are they won't know unless you do.    
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