Family issues....HELP!!

Re: Family issues....HELP!!

• Sue-n-Kevin member

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  Welcome and congrats on finding the right guy.
  
  Phew, you really have a tough situation. But if you go down all the threads before yours, and read them, you'll see that many have issues with their families. It's not unique.
  
  If I were you, I'd walk down the aisle with my kids. By choosing them, you are not selecting your future FIL, which might make for some tough judgments by family members.
  
  It's up to you if you want to invite your parents. As an adult, with kids, you shouldn't feel like you have to justify your decision to leave your ex, and I can't imagine why they are allowing your ex to live with them. That would infuriate me. But, also as an adult, you should be able to talk to them and explain that you know your relationship with them has been rocky, you'd like it to improve for the sake of your children, and if you invite them to your wedding you expect them to be kind, behave, then leave. If they can't give you the sort of answers you are looking for during this discussion, then feel free to not invite them.
  
  You can also have any sort of wedding you want. Many of the ladies here are having formal weddings with over 100 guests. Go for it.
  
  Good luck.
  

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• nyrek member

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  I never had a wedding 1st time around either...so we're doing it up! (Pic of my dress is in another post about dresses a few down.)  It's perfectly acceptable to have formal wedding, even if it's not the first marriage.
  
  As for inviting your family...you need to do what's comfortable for you.  My sister is not invited to my wedding as she is a raging alcoholic and is spiteful, mean, and without a doubt would cause a huge scene.  I don't want her there.  Some of my family says I should invite her, and I simply thank them for their opinion. If you think having them there will be more of a problem, and you're not going to have their support...don't have them there.
  
  There's no real "rules" this time around...you can have whoever you want walk you down the aisle..or you can go it alone.
  
  My biggest concern for you is looking at your timeline...it seems as though you were in a severely abusive relationship for over six years, filed for divorce just over a year ago, only 9 months ago started dating again, finalized divorce a month ago, and are planning a wedding for November already?
  
  Have you taken time to heal? Several of us here know what you've been through...and we know the toll it takes on you.  Just be careful...I'm not telling you not to go through with this.  Only you know what's best for you.  I'm just saying be careful.  Make sure you're ready.   
  
  Good luck with everything.

  

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• pamila51510

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  I can't imagine my family doing this. I am so sorry you have this crazy situation! You can walk with your kids or walk on your own. I am actually having my cousin walk me down the aisle. I can't wait! He and I were raised like brother and sister!
  
  You want to wear diamond white I say ROCK IT sister!!! You want a big wedding have it! I am doing the big dress veil and tiara! Check out my bio you will see although my dress is ivory but it is better with my skin tone! You love him celebrate it.
  
  If they your parents make you feel uncomfortable then don't invite them. It sounds like they have chosen this man rather than their own blood that is insanity. But abusers are good at turning people agianst the abused person. Its a fact. Hugs and good luck to you!!!
  
  Welcome!!!

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• ccallaway03

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  THanks everyone!
  
  To address your concern "My biggest concern for you is looking at your timeline...it seems as though you were in a severely abusive relationship for over six years, filed for divorce just over a year ago, only 9 months ago started dating again, finalized divorce a month ago, and are planning a wedding for November already?"
  
  I did not clarify my relationship with my FI.  We dated 10yrs ago, but our age difference was a big issue for me. It was actually right after we broke up that I met my ex husband.(we married after 3 months of dating) I never stopped loving my FI.  I find myself incredibly lucky to have met up with him again.  We kept in touch, but not like we should have.  This is not that I am moving onto someone quickly.  This is where my heart has always been. I credit him with my life, he is the one who has gotten me through all of the pain and heartache of my family issues. His family is incredible and they accept me and my boys as part of their own family!
  
  Pamilla~I want to comment on "But abusers are good at turning people agianst the abused person. Its a fact."
  
  I forgot to mention that my father(i love him dearly), is an alcoholic who was arrested 4 times for domestic abuse.  He was never physically abusive with us children, but he was with my birth mother, and I believe is with my step-mom. I firmly believe this is why they have allowed him to live there.  My father believes that men should be able to "Control" their women.  I think he feels that my ex was doing what's right when he was abusing me. 
  
  
  Ladies, I could write a book on how F***ed up my life has been, but I am at the point in my life where I am TRULY in love and just wonder about what's going to be "acceptable" for the wedding.
  
  Thanks for your posts thus far!

  Planning Bio (updated 6/30)

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• right1thistime member

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  You don't have to have anyone walk you down the aisle - unless there is someone upon whom you would like to bestow that honor.  I chose to walk alone as a symbol of the independent woman I am (have become) and that the choices in this wedding and marriage were made our way.  I saw it as a way to symbolize the walk from one point in my life to the next.   Having said that - if you want someone to escort you- choose whoever that is.  Sounds like your kids are young- if you do choose them - don't call it "giving you away".  I have a friend who said that to her son, only to receive a call from her Mom on her wedding night- with a hysterical boy sobbing "I didn't mean it....I don't want to give her away.... I need her back!" 
  
  Considering the choice your parents have made, and your described history of a strained relationship- not inviting them is fine.  BUT - it adds ammunition to their fire.  If you will need to see them every other week or so, to do child pick ups, etc., it might be easier to invite them.  If you think they will cause drama - ask someone you trust to be your "bouncer".  If the drama starts, on your signal, your bouncer can politely but firmly direct them to the exit. 
  
  Finally- have the wedding of your dreams.  Throw any rules that are shadowing over your planning right out the window.  Yes, some people may judge you.  Consider not inviting THEM either. 
  
  And I would echo what the PP said, be sure you have made time for YOU- to heal and to recover you emotional balance.  If you haven't considered counseling- do so- I found it made a huge difference in my health.  ~Donna

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• nyrek member

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  Well then it sounds like you and FI have a good thing going!  I'm glad you were able to get out of the situation you were in...and here's to a wonderful happy marriage in the future!!!
   

  

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• pamila51510

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  I agree! It is wonderful that you are in a good place in your life and so are your children because they will see how to treat a woman and what is acceptable. You can do anything you want for your wedding! If you want the big dress do it! if you want a big reception do it. After what you said about your father I wouldn't be inviting him to the wedding or into any event in my life.
  
  Good luck and can't wait to hear more about your plans!!!

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• AdelphiTN member

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  Call me crazy, but my FI and I are walking together. We are having a cocktail hour on this cute beach house deck, then simply stepping down in the sand and walking together to the sea to exchange vows. I figure no one is giving me to him. We are embarking on this journey together. I also figure i am too clutzy to walk by myself - ha.

  
  

  Do what feels right to you.

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• SweetAmy33 member

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  I say if you want a big wedding... have it! After all you've been through you deserve it. It is so hard to right all the wrongs you have survived in your life but with a firm head on your shoulders, your heart in the right place and a loving supporting man next to you, you can do almost anything!
  
  That means you can leave the hurtful damaging family behind you or let them be a part of it but I would keep them at arms length if you do keep them in your life. I would explain to them before hand that you arent doing this to be mean but you are going downt he aisle with...your kids, yourself, whoever, just not your dad cause you dont feel that he has supported you enough in the last year to fill that role.
  
  Careful not to let their unhappiness or misdirected lives screw up the direction of yours! I admire any and every woman who gets out of an abusive relationship and moves on with her life! Kepp moving, honey! I always say happiness is just around the corner, you just have to keep moving til you get there!
  
  Best wishes and good luck!

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• thealphabride

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  Wow, honey I feel for you.
  
  Sounds like your father betrayed you by taking the abusers side. If it were me I wouldn't want that person at my wedding, much less, walk me down the isle. But that is me. It is your decision.
  
  I as well, went through some terrible crap in my first marriage. It ended many years ago, (when it got beyone verbal abuse and he started pushing me down, slapping me, spitting on me while holding our 2 year old son... I bolted the same day) but we still have contact because of our son. He is still an unmedicated bi polar. enough said.
  
  Just wanted to let you know that I wish you every happiness, you totally deserve every ounce of joy and happiness this wonderful man has to offer you.
  
  Personally I would not invite your father and step mother and deal with the fallout.
  
  Is your father even happy for you? If not cross him off the list.
   
  I am sooo lucky to have the full support of my family. They have been wonderful throughout the planning process and are thrilled for me that I have finally made a great choice.
  
  It took many years of soul searching, and figuring out why I always made the wrong choices to get to the right choice.
  
  That is what we mean by taking time to heal.
  
  I wish you the best.
  
  PS: That 2 year old baby is escorting me down the isle at age 14. My fiance is meeting us half way and we are walking the rest together. My boy is standing up with my Fiance, and my fiance's son who is 17. 
  Here are my son and I :
  
  
  

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• CandyGirlSparks member

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  My son is giving me in marriage. My father, God rest his soul, died this past October, but I wouldn't have asked him anyway. He already gave me in marriage the first time, when it was his place to do so. I moved out of his house, and started my own family. Now that I'm divorced, my son is the "man" in my immediate family, and he really wants to escort me down the aisle and give me in marriage to my fiance, who will become the man in the family afterwards. I feel that this will be my son giving his blessing. My daughter will be my maid of honor.
  
  That's the way I look at it, anyway. It is certainly acceptable to "give" yourself away, as a woman no longer under her father's roof and care, and walk alone. If you don't want to do that, and don't have a son (I can't remember now if you said you did or not, sorry), I suggest someone who is very close to you, who cares deeply about your well-being and supports your union, someone whose blessing is important to you.
  
  It sounds to me like you don't want your parents there...the fact that you said you were thinking about not inviting them says a lot. Think about it this way: If you and your fiance are paying for your wedding without one red cent from your parents, you don't owe them or anyone else an invitation, especially since they have shown where their loyalties lie. I would be stunned and so hurt if my parents had taken my ex in and were actually considering letting him live there permanently, and MY situation wasn't nearly as bad as yours. I can't stand my ex most of the time, but we are on good terms. He's just an idiot that I pity at this point. Moving 12 hours away from him has helped a lot too.
  
  I can relate to what you said about people not believing you about the abuse. For many years I tried to cover up my ex's mistreatment of me (although it wasn't physical) and alcoholism...and I, too, was successful to the point that when we split, no one really believed it was that bad. To make matters worse, he also made everyone believe that I'm crazy, and that I was to blame for every thing that was wrong in our marriage. Oh, don't even get me started...heh. Let's just say that I totally empathize with you on a lot of this. If we didn't have kids together I'd have no problems never seeing him again, or knowing anything about his life.
  
  As for the big wedding, you said your fiance hasn't been married before, and if you need justification for doing it big, that's all you need. It's his wedding too.
  
  I sincerely wish you the best of luck with all this, and I'm so happy for you that you're getting a second chance-in more ways than one-with your true love.

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