BM picking is stressing me out! Help!

jaime4012 · December 2010

I have 2 close friends who don't get along at all...goes even further than just not getting along...they hate each other. My sister is my Matron of Honor and then I also plan to ask a male cousin...we've been close since we were kids and I've always felt like he was more of a brother than a cousin. I've grown apart from one of them...which has me feeling sick anyway...we used to talk on the phone frequently...she rarely takes my calls anymore and always cancels plans but yet says I'm too busy now since I'm engaged and have such a "big shot" job (her words...not mine and so not true). I know she isn't happy herself and hasnt' been for a while so I get why she is having trouble being happy for me. We've been through a lot and I care about her feelings...but I feel like we aren't even friends anymore. Whenever we do talk she just unloads about how unhappy she is and the only comments she ever makes about my relationship is that she can't believe I am so happy and ready to get married.

How do I deal with this? I'm 100% sure that if I pick the happy one to be in my wedding and not the one I've grown apart from that it will end our friendship forever which I"m not sure I'm prepared to do that. However, I don't want my shower, bach party, or wedding to be uncomfortable. It's really stressing me out and I've been waiting around not asking either because I just dont' want to deal with it yet. My fiance has 4 people he wants to ask and I have another girl I'd be happy to ask in her place (someone I've become friends with in the last year) but I know that will really hurt my high school BF as it would be obvious that I had a spot for her and didn't ask her...I don't know what to do.

stina93446 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-picking-stressing-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8f7958c7-e1fa-4ce0-8f6c-e79b25635674Post:637b6add-ea6e-494c-9962-b1256be58bce">BM picking is stressing me out! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I have 2 close friends who don't get along at all...goes even further than just not getting along...they hate each other. My sister is my Matron of Honor and then I also plan to ask a male cousin...we've been close since we were kids and I've always felt like he was more of a brother than a cousin. I've grown apart from one of them...which has me feeling sick anyway...we used to talk on the phone frequently...she rarely takes my calls anymore and always cancels plans but yet says I'm too busy now since I'm engaged and have such a "big shot" job (her words...not mine and so not true). I know she isn't happy herself and hasnt' been for a while so I get why she is having trouble being happy for me. We've been through a lot and I care about her feelings...but I feel like we aren't even friends anymore. Whenever we do talk she just unloads about how unhappy she is and the only comments she ever makes about my relationship is that she can't believe I am so happy and ready to get married. How do I deal with this? I'm 100% sure that if I pick the happy one to be in my wedding and not the one I've grown apart from that it will end our friendship forever which I"m not sure I'm prepared to do that. However, I don't want my shower, bach party, or wedding to be uncomfortable. It's really stressing me out and I've been waiting around not asking either because I just dont' want to deal with it yet. My fiance has 4 people he wants to ask and I have another girl I'd be happy to ask in her place (someone I've become friends with in the last year) but I know that will really hurt my high school BF as it would be obvious that I had a spot for her and didn't ask her...I don't know what to do.
Posted by jaime4012[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You should trust everyone that you are considering to be an adult. I had two bridesmaids that couldn't stand each other, but they put their differences aside for my wedding because they're adults. Don't ask anyone until you get closer to your wedding date. See if the friendships/mortal enemies get better or worse. See if you're even friends with them come late spring 2011.

</div>

stina93446 · December 2010

Oh and just to be clear, showers and b parties are not mandatory and to assume that your girls WILL give you one is setting yourself up for potential disappointment. If they decide that they DO want to give you one, be gracious....but not every bride gets one.

hlq2011 · December 2010

Try spending some time hanging out with your friend without talking about the wedding. Pick up the phone and call her and ask her what's going on in her life, and don't talk about your wedding. See if that improves things.

Trust your friends to act like the adults they are. They don't have to be best friends, or even like each other, to both stand up for you.

And for God's sake, don't say you have x number of slots and find people to fill them. The number of GM has no bearing on your number of bridesmaids. If you have people you want to stand up with you, ask them. Don't not ask because you don't want to have uneven numbers, and don't ask anyone to replace someone.

And don't unask anyone you've already asked, unless you are prepared to say good-bye to that friendship for good.

mbcdefg · December 2010

Don't say, "My FI has four groomsmen, so I have to fill four slots." Pick whoever you want. It's unnecessary (and rude to your loved ones) to limit yourself to just four people and then leave loved ones out, or to pick someone just to fill that fourth slot. If you wind up with two or three people, or seven, or zero, that's fine. Your FI can have his four groomsmen no matter what.

Pick your closest friends. If you have to question whether or not someone is a close friend, they probably aren't. The answer to the bridal party question is, "Who do I really want at my side while I'm getting married?" The answer should be pretty much instant in your brain.

Don't leave out a good friend just because you think they *might* make a party uncomfortable. If your friends are adults, then they know how to behave in a social setting. One of my bridesmaids knew one of my bachelorette party guests in childhood and they did not get along, but at the party they were polite to each other and everyone had fun. I don't think anyone but the three of us ever knew that there had been past issues, because they're both classy adults who know how to conduct themselves.

And if your friends ARE the type who'd cause a scene in public, then honestly I'd ask yourself why you are friends with such trashy people.

It's not your responsibility to make sure everyone gets along. If they accept your bridesmaid invitation but express concerns about the other person, just say, "I am friends with both of you, and your issues have nothing to do with me. If you are uncomfortable and would rather just be a guest, I totally understand. But if you want to accept the role, you need to be civil and polite to each other. You don't have to be buddies and I will never force you to spend time together, but you need to be civil, end of story." That is as far as you have to take it.

mikeynkrib2011 · December 2010

I would suggest analyzing your frienship with her in four or five months. You may not be ready right now to let the frienship go, but you never know where it will stand in the future.

Do you feel like the friendship should be salvaged? If you think yes, talk to her about what is making her unresponsive to your calls and sarcastic about your 'busy' life and 'hotshot' job. Sounds like she may be down on herself and needs someone to talk to.

My biggest suggestion is to remember that you don't need friends who will be ready to disown you just because you don't ask them to be in your wedding.

aerinpegadrak · December 2010

Your BMs are not a new social group. They don't have to be friends with each other.

lalap69 · December 2010

Your BMs should be your closest friends - the people you can't imagine getting married without. If this girl is one of those people, then ask her. Don't expect more from her than to buy the dress and stand up with you, or else you'll be setting yourself up for disappointment. She cannot ruin your wedding - many of the girls on this board have had difficult WP members and they'll be the first to tell you that.

If she's not one of those people, don't ask her. Don't ask her just because you think she'll be upset if you don't. Plus, there's a very good chance that she feels that you two have drifted as much as you do and she's not expecting to be asked.

Generally if you're not sure, my advice is not to ask. However, it's worthwhile to take some time and work on your friendship with this girl. See how it goes and then decide.

bablingbrooke · December 2010

Your BMs don't have to be friends with each other. They just have to be civil with each other and friends with you. If you go into this expecting a new social group, you will be very disappointed. I've been friendly with the rest of the WP every time I've been a BM, but I didn't leave the wedding as BFFs with any of them. Grown-up, mature adults will be able to hold their temper with each other for one day.

LoveMuffins · December 2010

A lot of people have been making comments that BMs that hate each other CAN put aside differences and act maturely, but to be honest it already sounds like your unhappy friend has been behaving fairly selfishly. I wouldn't expect her to automatically change just because you've asked her to be a bridesmaid. I learned my lesson after my best friend's wedding. She chose another of our friends, who had a tendancy to be difficult, controlling and attention-needy, to be a bridesmaid, because she knew that it would end the friendship if she didn't... which is really not the reason to choose someone. The girl ended up being absolutely miserable to all of us through the entire experience, kept trying to force herself into every aspect of planning, and (if it hadn't been for the other bridesmaids putting our foot down) would have planned the shower and bach party that SHE and not the bride wanted. The only thing my best friend regrets, about her entire wedding, is not accepting the girl's resignation after my best friend had to tell her to back off from trying to plan her wedding, and the girl responded, "Well tell me right now if you don't want me to be in the wedding party, because that's how I feel." - This being after the bride wanted to go looking at reception sites with her mother and FI, and NOT the bridesmaid. UGH.

Someone suggested waiting a few more months before making your decision... if your friend has not been able to set aside her own misery (as she so far seems unable to do) and act happy for you... is THAT the kind of person you really want in your wedding, much less in your life? Don't just assume that she's going to grow up the second you ask her to be a bridesmaid. Sure, she might, or she might just make you and the rest of your bridesmaids miserable. Wait and see if she can get it together before spring, and if she can't at least fake it then maybe just ask her to do a reading, a job that is still an honor, but doesn't involve supporting you throughout the entire process.

aerinpegadrak · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-picking-stressing-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8f7958c7-e1fa-4ce0-8f6c-e79b25635674Post:a67700f0-3a95-4217-8222-5909ebe58ac6">Re: BM picking is stressing me out! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]A lot of people have been making comments that BMs that hate each other CAN put aside differences and act maturely, but to be honest it already sounds like your unhappy friend has been behaving fairly selfishly. I wouldn't expect her to automatically change just because you've asked her to be a bridesmaid. I learned my lesson after my best friend's wedding. She chose another of our friends, who had a tendancy to be difficult, controlling and attention-needy, to be a bridesmaid, because she knew that it would end the friendship if she didn't... which is really not the reason to choose someone. The girl ended up being absolutely miserable to all of us through the entire experience, kept trying to force herself into every aspect of planning, and (if it hadn't been for the other bridesmaids putting our foot down) would have planned the shower and bach party that SHE and not the bride wanted. The only thing my best friend regrets, about her entire wedding, is not accepting the girl's resignation after my best friend had to tell her to back off from trying to plan her wedding, and the girl responded, "Well tell me right now if you don't want me to be in the wedding party, because that's how I feel." - This being after the bride wanted to go looking at reception sites with her mother and FI, and NOT the bridesmaid. UGH. Someone suggested waiting a few more months before making your decision... if your friend has not been able to set aside her own misery (as she so far seems unable to do) and act happy for you... is THAT the kind of person you really want in your wedding, much less in your life? Don't just assume that she's going to grow up the second you ask her to be a bridesmaid. Sure, she might, or she might just make you and the rest of your bridesmaids miserable. Wait and see if she can get it together before spring, and if she can't at least fake it then maybe just ask her to do a reading, a job that is still an honor, but doesn't involve supporting you throughout the entire process.
Posted by LoveMuffins[/QUOTE]
Wow, you give a whole pile of bad advice, dontcha? I think you really don't understand what a WP is actually for.

jaime4012 · December 2010

Thanks everyone...all of your comments were very helpful. I plan to wait a while and see how things go. We really need to either work on our friendship or agree that we've drifted apart (which is OK too). I'm not sure we will salvage our friendship at this point but we should talk about it. As I've gotten older there have been a lot of people who have come into and out of my life....I have always had a hard time letting go...maybe it's time to just let go. Time will tell...thanks again...I appreciate the honest feedback!

BM picking is stressing me out! Help!

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