What to do when a BM steps down?

MelonGirl2498 · December 2010

I became engaged in July and I knew right away who 2 of my BM's were going to be. I then decided to ask my brother's girlfriend to be the 3rd BM. We get along well and the whole family loves her. Here's the problem: my brother and her are having some major problems and I don't see them making it much longer. My heart breaks for both of them but I'm also concerned since she told my mother that she would step down if they broke up. I'm ok with that because I understand it might be awkward. I have another friend in mind to take her place but how do you ask someone who knows that they are just a backup? Our wedding is 10 months away and the dresses have been bought. I'm really not sure how to handle this whole situation. Any advice?

marissa_claire · December 2010

For one thing, obviously hindsight is 20/20, but I never recommend asking someone who is a GF or even FI if you aren't sure about their relationship. If that's the only reason you're friends, it tends to not be a good idea.

I would not ask someone to be a backup. Keep your numbers uneven and you can just have two guys escort one girl down the aisle at the end, or have the sides leave separately on their own.

tldh · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-steps-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d611ae94-5f87-4901-8cbb-3deddd0f19b8Post:2f8dc3af-330a-43a8-a24c-7d651c157765">What to do when a BM steps down?</a>:
[QUOTE]I became engaged in July and I knew right away who 2 of my BM's were going to be. I then decided to ask my brother's girlfriend to be the 3rd BM. We get along well and the whole family loves her. Here's the problem: my brother and her are having some major problems and I don't see them making it much longer. My heart breaks for both of them but I'm also concerned since she told my mother that she would step down if they broke up. I'm ok with that because I understand it might be awkward. I have another friend in mind to take her place but how do you ask someone who knows that they are just a backup? Our wedding is 10 months away and the dresses have been bought. I'm really not sure how to handle this whole situation. Any advice?
Posted by MelonGirl2498[/QUOTE]

Don't replace her. Uneven sides are fine. I am curious though if you are friends with the GF outside of the family setting.

MelonGirl2498 · December 2010

You're right, I don't want anyone to feel like they are easily replaced. I'm just not sure what to do when it comes to announcing everyone at the reception and who will my brother dance with at the reception for the wedding party dance. I'm not worried about what it would look like, my concern is his feelings. I don't want him to feel singled out because he has no one to walk in with or dance with. Maybe I'm over thinking this?

lalap69 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-steps-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d611ae94-5f87-4901-8cbb-3deddd0f19b8Post:fb2b6c3c-dfb6-44c7-896e-07c4ab915dd0">Re: What to do when a BM steps down?</a>:
[QUOTE]You're right, I don't want anyone to feel like they are easily replaced. I'm just not sure what to do when it comes to announcing everyone at the reception and who will my brother dance with at the reception for the wedding party dance. I'm not worried about what it would look like, my concern is his feelings. I don't want him to feel singled out because he has no one to walk in with or dance with. Maybe I'm over thinking this?
Posted by MelonGirl2498[/QUOTE]
Don't have a wedding party dance. It's an awkward tradition that isn't actually fun for anyone either. Let your WP dance with their dates.

As fo announcing them, you could have everyone walk in separately since you are having a small party or you could have 2 gm and 1 bm walk in together.

Having uneven sides doesn't have to be complicated.

Manwaithiel · December 2010

Wedding party dances aren't necessary, so just nix it. Otherwise, if you must have it, just have everyone dance with their dates, since WP members should be allowed to have a date as a common courtesy.

aerinpegadrak · December 2010

Please don't do the WP dance, no one has ever liked it in the history of ever. Don't force your guests to sit and watch more than is strictly necessary, it kills the party.

mbcdefg · December 2010

Please skip the wedding party dance entirely. It's awkward for the bridal party to do, and it's boring as heck for the guests to watch. It's just one more thing that slows down the party.

If you insist on doing it, at least let the BP members dance with their own dates. Or sit it out if they wish.

For announcements, your brother and another GM could escort a bridesmaid, and the three of them could be introduced together. Or do him solo, or everyone solo. It's eight seconds out of their life, and it's not a social statement of, "Hey, look at this single loser!" If anyone has problems with not being introduced a certain way, then they're just being a pill.

aerinpegadrak · December 2010

You could also skip the introductions altogether. Anyone who cares about who's in the WP already knows, and anyone who doesn't know, doesn't care.

mbcdefg · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-steps-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d611ae94-5f87-4901-8cbb-3deddd0f19b8Post:7c2bcf36-31e7-4ff5-8ec8-be2c273481e4">Re: What to do when a BM steps down?</a>:
[QUOTE]You could also skip the introductions altogether. Anyone who cares about who's in the WP already knows, and anyone who doesn't know, doesn't care.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

We figured the same for our wedding. Not only did we skip introducing the bridal party, but we were not even introduced ourselves. Nobody said a peep about it. The names of our bridal party members were in our ceremony programs, if people were THAT curious as to who they were (which I doubt).

I never pay attention to the bridal party intros at friends' weddings, anyway. If I don't already know someone then I don't really care what her name is as the DJ's screaming it.

bablingbrooke · December 2010

Oh please don't do the WP dance. No one wants to do it and no one wants to watch it. If you MUST do one, let the WP dance with their own dates. Dancing with a guy you barely know is awkward anyway and doing so with everyone watching is even worse. You can also skip introductions like we did with our uneven WP.

I'd say you're overthinking it only to the point that you think these are REQUIRED elements of a wedding. They really aren't. If some people expect it, too bad.

Can I ask why on earth you've already bought the dresses with nearly a year to go?

MelonGirl2498 · December 2010

I had them buy the dresses now because I was told by the dress shop they were a 12 week lead item or longer and the color I had picked could possibly go out of stock. So I had them order their dresses right away and they came in a week later. Figures ...

bablingbrooke · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-steps-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d611ae94-5f87-4901-8cbb-3deddd0f19b8Post:3defc4b0-dd6f-47b1-979e-f92a258f09a3">Re: What to do when a BM steps down?</a>:
[QUOTE]I had them buy the dresses now because I was told by the dress shop they were a 12 week lead item or longer and the color I had picked could possibly go out of stock. So I had them order their dresses right away and they came in a week later. Figures ...
Posted by MelonGirl2498[/QUOTE]
Yeah bridal shop salesmen are worse than used car salesmen. If it makes you feel better I fell for it too when I ordered my wedding dress.

What to do when a BM steps down?

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