No Father/Daughter Dance

elyseas · January 2012

I don't have a relationship with my father and he will not be invited to the wedding. I have known that I wont have a father/daughter dance for years, but it still upsets me when I go to other people's weddings and watch the dance. I usually have to walk outside to keep from crying.

My fiance knows I have a hard time with this, but he doesn't think his mom will be ok not having a Mother/Son dance. I understand that it is important to her, but I'd rather not cry any sad tears at my own wedding.

Any ideas on alternatives or ways to approach the conversation with his mother?

mintdoe · January 2012

Hi there!

Fi and I are having a pretty casual wedding and we're using an ipod instead of a dj so it's not a big deal to have the father/daughter and mother/son dance.

But, even if we were having a more formal affair I know I would rather not have some formal dance just with my dad because that's not the kind of relationship we have.

If you have gotten along well with your MIL so far, I would suggest just explaining to her what you said here. Tell her that you know her relationship with your fiance is really special and that you would like to honor her and your fiance's dad in another way at the wedding. Give her another option.

Also, I'm sure there will be plenty of time at the reception for you and your fiance to dance with everyone. Married couples end up getting passed around the dance floor.

SEJackson07 · January 2012

I posted this same response a few days ago.

I was also very concerned about the F/D and M/S dances and how it would look to only have one. I have an incredibly strained relationship with my father and do not want to dance with him or "give him the honor" of it (if he even decides to show up). Either way it was something that had me stressed since the day after I got engaged, the whole how will it look if my FI dances with his mom but then I dont dance with my dad, especially when I found out how important the dance was to FMIL.

But what we finally decided was that immediately following my and my FI's first dance his mother will be standing at edge of dance floor so that without having to announce it (so it isnt so obvious we are doing one and not the other) he immediately walks up to her and asks her to dance. We felt like it was the best compromise of giving her the dance she wanted and not having to announce it. Also we figured that if he went up to her and asked at the end of our dance people would still be kind of standing around and watching so she still gets her "moment."

I know it may sound bad to not stay and watch but I may go to the RR while they do their dance. I am really happy that he has an amazing mother and glad they have a great relationship but in the past at weddings I have often had to walk out of the room during parent dances as I also get very emotional watching them.

Hope this helps!

Amynutrition · January 2012

Would you feel comfortable dancing with your Fiances Dad?
My friend got married to a man whose parents were in kind of a cult or something --they refused to go to the wedding bc he was marrying "out of the group." After she danced with her dad her new husband danced with her mom. I thought it was sweet.

just a thought, I know its different with bride/FIL than groom/MIL. I liked some of the PPs ideas too.

matcha · January 2012

Dance with your mom! Or grandpa, sister, brother...

It doesn't have to be your dad. Just someone who is close to you who you want to celebrate with!

acaponi87 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fatherdaughter-dance-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:22ca8796-fd0c-497a-bbc1-90b53d41f10dPost:e74eec59-0fac-46eb-8bff-b0a011ee3166">Re: No Father/Daughter Dance</a>:
[QUOTE]Dance with your mom! Or grandpa, sister, brother... It doesn't have to be your dad. Just someone who is close to you who you want to celebrate with!
Posted by matcha[/QUOTE]

This is what I was thinking.

hmacsine · January 2012

No Father/Daughter Dance[QUOTE]Dance with your mom! Or grandpa, sister, brother... It doesn't have to be your dad. Just someone who is close to you who you want to celebrate with!
Posted by matcha[/QUOTE]

^^^^these are good examples of alternatives. I'm not having a father/daughter dance but I wouldn't stop my FI from dancing with his mom. If you don't want to accept the above alternatives then I would suck it up and let FI/fmil have their moment.

daniellelea1985 · January 2012

I thought I would feel the same way too... as my father just recently came in to my life and our relationship is a bit strained (I've only ever seen him twice and trust me...there is all sorts of backstory drama!)... however...

a close friend of mine talked to me about looking back at my wedding, and what if I do build a better relationship with him?

She also asked me if he'd be offended and I immediately thought "naaaaah.."
but then I spoke to him on the phone and just mentioned that we'd probably skip all the parent dances and he seemed pretty upset.

needless to say we are now doing a father-daughter dance, even though it isn't a "daddy's little girl" song.

Maybe you can take the wedding and father/daughter dance to be the start of mending/building your relationship with your father... after all he IS your father

artjrf · January 2012

First, I want to say that I am almost in the same boat. I say almost because to say I have a strained relationship with my father would not be accurate....There is zero relationship between us. He left when I was very little and has had zero contact since. The F/D dance doesn't cause as much emotion for me as the actual walk down the aisle...but my mom and my grandpa are walking me down the aisle. I am planning on dancing to Grandpa by the Judds with my Grandpa in place of the F/D dance.

TiffannieF · January 2012

I *personally* think that you will troop through it. Although I'm sorry about your situation you shouldn't deprive your FI and FMIL from something that is important to them. My mother passed away 8 months before my brothers wedding. His wife had a F/D dance but he did not get to have M/S dance. I'm sure he was slightly sad but he was still smiling. For my wedding, I thought I would fall apart with out having my mom there but I actually did great! I was so obsessed with my groom incould hardly focus on anything else. And as other PPs have mentioned you have other alternatives: dance with mom, sibling, MOH etc.

risti97 · January 2012

I had a similiar situation. We did two dances: (1) me and DH and (2) wedding party. During the wedding party dance, my DH danced with his mother and I danced with my godfather. My mother in law was perfectly fine with it and I think actually preferred it this way.

hcollins315 · January 2012

hi...I'm getting married next may & I had considered not having a FD dance as well but my issue was not that I didn't have a relationship with my dad, it was because of the fact that my father passed away in 2010. I honestly thought about & even wanteed to just have a mother/daughter dance between me & my mom but she isn't physically able to. but after talkign it over with my sister & mother & so not to deprive my mother-in-law to be of dancing with her son or make people question why there's only one dance & not two, I had decided to instead share that dance with my favorite uncle. Him & my dad were best friends & he has no daughters of his own. so that might be a suggeestion for you. if there is a maybe another male family member (grandfather, uncle, step-father) that might work....or who's to say you have to dance with your dad....dance with your mom. hope that helps

Helen

sparkles776 · January 2012

I am also in the same boat. My dad and I have an extremely strained relationship. I am inviting him, not because I want him there but because I feel it is easier to have him there then to have to defend and explain myself to my extended family, even though they are all aware of it, they still always go "but thats your dad" on me. My mom is walking me down the aisle. I went to a wedding where the bride danced with her mom. It is a good alternative, but I thought it was a little awkward. I am considering asking my FFIL, but I may skip mine all together, but still want my FI to be able to dance with his mom.

Soon2bHeath · February 2012

I'm in a similar situation. I do not talk to my father or have anything to do with him. But my grandfather is going to walk me down the isle. And until I was informed how important the M/S dance was to my fiance, I wasn't thinking on having either. Now I am thinking about asking my grandfather to do the F/D dance.

No Father/Daughter Dance

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