The $ Question

sbolger17 · July 2010

Hi! My fiance and I are newly engaged (it happened a little over a week ago)! And now I have a very important starting-point question. Does anyone have advice for how to approach our parents and ask if/what they're planning to contribute? I imagine that we'll have to pay for most of it ourselves, but some help from our families would make a world of difference for the reception and we can't start planning anything until we know what we've got to work with.

Thanks for any help you can give about this touchy subject!

Lilou902 · July 2010

Plan for the wedding that you can afford. When my FI and I got engaged we sat down and made a budget and decided how we were going to pay for it. I knew that my Dad had talked about giving my money awhile back, but I didn't count on it. He did end up contributing financially, and we just added that to our budget, which allowed for extras that we wanted and didn't need, a nicer honeymoon etc. I suggest you do the same.

twilight.rose · July 2010

If your families would like to offer funds, they will...its really rather rude to ask for it.

For example, my grandparents (who basically raised me) graciously offered to pay for our entire wedding, and we accepted, but we would never have dreamed of approaching them and asking for money towards our wedding.

future-mrs · July 2010

PP are right, you don't ask. You wait until it is offered. Until then, set a budget that YOU and FI can afford.

frenchy730 · July 2010

Don't ask them anything. Start planning the wedding that you and your fiance can afford for yourselves. If your parents decide to help out, great, that's your opportunity to upgrade some details. If not, do what you can with what you have.

Basically, it's never okay to ask for money or put your families in awkward situations where they will feel preassured to give you money.

luckyme502 · July 2010

You don't ask your family for money for the wedding. If they want to contribute, they will let you know.

MommyMarta08 · July 2010

Only you know how to deal with YOUR parents. My mother came right out and told me what she will be contributing. My father, I asked. I felt that my father owed a little contribution because I knew if he didn't, my mother would feel pressure to pick up his slack. It depends on the family. My mom paid over 40k/year for my college education with little help from my dad, so I thought my dad owed me at least some sort of significant contribution. I asked him to match my FI's parents contribution so he asked his mom to help him out. I figure if my dad can turn to HIS mom to help him out, I could turn to MY dad to help me out. Every family is different.

redheadfsu · July 2010

No one owes you a wedding. It is (mostly) an unnecessary party, which as an adult you should plan what you can afford.

jagore08 · July 2010

If they want to offer you money they will offer it. It's a gift and you should never ask or expect a gift.

andy71781 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:386b3007-fa34-4e0d-84b9-5e2a5069ed7aPost:be476ac1-c3fd-4afd-8ff5-9cf85f16fa92">Re: The $ Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Only you know how to deal with YOUR parents. My mother came right out and told me what she will be contributing. My father, I asked. I felt that my father owed a little contribution because I knew if he didn't, my mother would feel pressure to pick up his slack. It depends on the family. My mom paid over 40k/year for my college education with little help from my dad, so I thought my dad owed me at least some sort of significant contribution. I asked him to match my FI's parents contribution so he asked his mom to help him out. I figure if my dad can turn to HIS mom to help him out, I could turn to MY dad to help me out. Every family is different.
Posted by MommyMarta08[/QUOTE]
And you didn't feel any pressure to help your mom out?

janedoe1113a · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:386b3007-fa34-4e0d-84b9-5e2a5069ed7aPost:be476ac1-c3fd-4afd-8ff5-9cf85f16fa92">Re: The $ Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Only you know how to deal with YOUR parents. My mother came right out and told me what she will be contributing. My father, I asked. I felt that my father owed a little contribution because I knew if he didn't, my mother would feel pressure to pick up his slack. It depends on the family. My mom paid over 40k/year for my college education with little help from my dad, so I thought my dad owed me at least some sort of significant contribution. I asked him to match my FI's parents contribution so he asked his mom to help him out. I figure if my dad can turn to HIS mom to help him out, I could turn to MY dad to help me out. Every family is different.
Posted by MommyMarta08[/QUOTE]

Why do your parents owe you anything? If anyone owes anything, then it would be you owing them something for them taking care of your for 18 years.

kpwedkk · July 2010

First and foremost - Plan what you can afford -- you and your fiance and no one else. If you are coming up short on the wedding of your (you and your fiance's dreams) save up, or elope.

If your parents plan to contribute as part of a gift, it's up to them to bring forth the topic, and what they plan to contribute is their own business. They did bring you up for 18+ years without asking for you to pay them back for years of shelter, clothes, food and fun.

We financed our whole wedding and reception without the help of our parents. We just let them be there, feel like royalty, and get tear jerky when they were giving away their daughter.

dcprep · July 2010

Ditto what PPs say about parents not owing you anything.

Also, I've seen some brides on my club board whose parents/future in-laws/etc *SAY* they're going to pay for something, and then when it comes down to it, they change their mind and don't want to pay for it. I'd rather be safe than sorry, and start planning a wedding working under the assumption that FI and I are paying for 100% of it. But that's just me...

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