FMIL

Re: FMIL

• em01092 member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-13?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:22e1cc70-c5d1-4cee-997d-f707ae42cbbaPost:5d0114dd-0d8a-46ae-85ea-32b5789e968e">FMIL</a>:
  [QUOTE]I have been with my Fiancee for 2 years and we have twin 8 month old daughters. His family let alone his mother has never really reached out to dispite my efforts to try and be apart of that famiy. We actually have only been engaged for 2 just 2 days and shes already trying to take the spotlight and i dont know if im being to sensitive but now all of a sudden after 2 yrs shes trying to be all buddy buddy with me and act like we are super close and is making wedding plans without coming to me about it. he thinks i should plan the wedding with my mother and his. i dint know the womn and what i do know isnt nice and she has no idea what i like.. im not a fake person and have a hard time bitting my tongue wihich has been kinda easy since they are never around not even for our daughters. she has only seen them twice!!!! am i being to sensitive and should i suck it up and try to put my problems aside or am i valid for not wanting anything to do with her in this wedding???!!!! advice please !!!
  Posted by kaibrook[/QUOTE]<div>
  </div><div>I can certainly understand your frustration. Are your FIs parents super religious or conservative? Perhaps your FMIL was upset that you were "living in sin?" I'm not judging you at all, but I know that a lot of people take that issue rather seriously, but I could be totally off about her. Maybe she is just really into weddings? It does seem crappy she hasn't been around for your children and now all of a sudden is interested. </div><div>
  </div><div>I would first and foremost have a serious conversation with your FI. The two of you need to be on the same page about things with his mother, and yours for that matter. Decide on what you'd be ok with her helping out with, and what you insist should be between you and your mom (wedding dress shopping, perhaps). </div><div>
  </div><div>Your FMIL does not "have" to be there for any fittings or appointments, but if you do include her, even if she can't or doesn't come, it is a very nice gesture. Maybe use this opportunity to turn a new leaf and get that family experience which you originally sought, remember? I think you are holding some resentment towards her, not that I entirely blame you although I don't know the whole story. </div><div>
  </div><div>I personally would invite her to one or two things and see how they go. You are not wrong for wanting to have some things left up to just you and your FI, or you and whoever you want. If she tags along and offers advice you don't want, just say, "Thanks for the suggestion FMIL, I'll have to keep that in mind," or "Thanks, but FI and I decided on______." Whenever possible, use the line, "FI and I." It reiterates that her son has <em>your </em>back and it's not just you against her. </div><div>
  </div><div>Remember, your wedding is one day, but your FMIL will be your MIL for the rest of your life. 
  
  </div>

  April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Bio-Updated 4/22**

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• kaibrook

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  em*- my FMIL is not really that religious. she has 6 children and 3 were out of wed lock. she is divorced twice. i know that she told my FI that he was stupid for having children with a woman no matter the title because woman cannot be trusted. that was just one of the many things. I do not mind inviting her at all to certain things i just feel so backwards.. she has not wanted barely anything to do with me or my children fo r that matter and they are her first girl grand children. she has told my FI that it is soley up to him to get his family to get to know me, like me and accept me. he has tried as have i. we live 1 1/2 hrs away froim her and im not agaisnt traveling, in any way but she will not come up her i finally put my foot down because my girls couldnt take the drive that well they were to little and required a lot of attention and medical equiptment. i was told that i was selfish and cold hearted.. never the less you brought up good point, i know there is good in her somewhere. and i do want to be apart of her family.. for the day i say i do she will be my family forever. but thank you for your advice i will sit down with my FI and see what we can agree on at having her attend. he always calls me a push over and to trusting so im trying to make sure that i stand up for myself and make sure that i dont get walked all over or taken advantage of.

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• RaptorSLH member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  While this can be a good occasion to attempt a truce with FMIL, I think the first person you need to talk with is your FI.  What are you willing to offer, what is important to you two, what you are or are not willing to compromise on, what kind of treatment you are willing to accept from FMIL, what he is willing to let her get away with, etc.  Once you two are in accord, then you can present a united front in trying to involve her in the process.

  
  

  Don't take any money from her unless you're willing to accept the strings that will come with it.  And PPs are dead on about your freedom to limit her involvement to what you are comfortable with.

  

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• kaibrook

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  No she is not paying for anything, my FI and I will be paying for it all. my parents offered to help but this is something we want to do together. Times are hard all over the world and we dont want to put anyone in trying places. I have been panning for this day since i was 12 so 11 yrs and i have also been saving money for it since i was 16. Thank you for the advice it is greatly appreciated. I have started plannig and everything but i have been very closed mouthed about anything im doing all i believe my FI has shared is the date. but i guess shes telling him she knows exactly what flowers ill use what colors i will be having and the dress oh goodness the dress she says she knows the exact place i will go and theres two dresses for me to choose from. I try to be nice and not bite someones head off but theres a limit to everything.. and even though we ave just begun i have limits being crossed already she never even called to say congrats to me or ask me how he did it nothing. she is relying all this info between him. He has always been a huge support to me but at the same time he is a mamas boy and i feel like he is struggling to get her acceptance. im just so lost and very confused. our familes have never met and im getting nervous for them to at this point.. my mom and step mom have seen how she treats me and have been there to whipe away all my tears.  

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• kaibrook

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  Raptor* - thankyou for your advice! thats a great way of looking at it. I think im going to have a talk with him tonight cause my nerves are just shot about all this already. i have that weird voice in the back of my head saying " shes your FMIL and if you dont let her be involved, shes going to make the rest of your life miserable, but if you do then it could very well hurt you some more" dont you just love your mind

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• PjSj100811

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  One big thing to remember is that your FMIL is going to be in your life for the rest of your life.  I would suggest planning a dinner with your FMIL not wedding related just a get to know you dinner and take it from there.
  
  I am so happy that I included my MIL in my wedding planning, she may not have helped plan the wedding but i kept her informed.  Also I would go out with her for dinner every now and then just the two of us getting to know eachother.  I really cherish our relationship and know that i can learn alot of her.
  
  Take the time now that you have the chance to build a relationship with your mother in law.

  God's Will never takes you where the Grace of God will not protect you

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• StephBeanWed61502 member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  Here's the thing - you don't have to let her decide anything for you, but I do think it would be kind of you to include her in some of the planning process - one way to let her be involved while limiting her ability to interfere with your own ideas/plans would be to bring her to follow-up type appointments.  Example:  With my florist, we have an appointment about 4 months before the wedding where they show us a mock-up of the centerpiece we've requested, to make sure that what we described and agreed upon matches the vision I had in my head.  I'd bring her to an appointment like this because the decision's already been made - she's not going to be able to make any significant changes, but she still gets to be a part of the process.  You could also invite her to things like dress fittings - again, the dress has already been chosen, but she'll at least get to see it early.  

  
  

  Also, for some mothers, they make a point of not getting attached to girlfriends of their sons until they know for sure that the g/f is going to become their son's wife, to avoid getting attached to someone who may leave their lives at any moment because of a breakup.  Now, with kids involved, she probably should've gotten with the program right around when you had your twins, since you were going to be a permanent fixture in her life as the mother of her grandkids, if nothing else, but that didn't happen.  Maybe she needed to see the proposal to really feel comfortable embracing you as family.  (I think that's dumb of her, but it's an alternative explanation for her behavior that may help you find the ability to be kind to her in spite of her past behavior.)

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• saric83 member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  She just sounds like such a peach. Bleh!  While dealing with her sounds like it's less than ideal, I would venture to say this is definitely more of a FI issue, not a FMIL issue, so I would second the idea of having a long conversation with him about this.  It's his mom, so he needs to be the one addressing where the hell she has been in her grandchildren's lives and what her major malfunction is. 
  
  Also, as some other PP's suggested, once you and FI are on the same page about how you're going to deal with her as a couple, offer to let her help with a few things.  Pick things you don't care tremendously about that wouldn't get you too worked up and extend the kindness of letting her feel included even though she clearly never did that for you.  Think of it as a start of showing your daughters how to be the better person, so they don't grow up thinking grandma's behavior and attitude are those to be copied.
  
  Good luck! : )

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