maybe i am overthinking this but.. Hosting Question!!

i2012do · April 2012

Hi Ladies! Just want to introduce mself before I get into my post-My name is Jen, my wedding is this august. I have posted here before in the past but probably a year + ago (I’ve been engaged for almost 2 years) and typically post on my club boards but needed some help on this.

My fiancé parents originally said they would pay for our rehearsal dinner. Last night fiance’s mom texted him and said that her sister and brother in law (fiancés aunt and uncle )offered to pay for the dinner.

I am unsure if they are giving the money to his parents as a gift or loan- or if they want to be considered the “hosts” of the rehearsal.

Originally, these people were NOT even on the guest list. The only people on it were bridal party and spouses, parents of fiancé and I, his grandparents, and his cousin who is a reader and my godfather and wife who is a reader.

Now that they are paying for it, we are obviously going to include them, plus fiancés other aunt and uncles who are coming in from out of town (they are coming in from across the country) because we feel like we can’t include the aunt and uncle that are paying and not the others.

Firstly, I don’t know HOW to ask if they are simply paying for it or hosting it. Not sure if they want to be included on the invite or simply silent partner.

I don’t know How to tell fiancés mom that originally these people weren’t included and that we have to extend our guest list to include them- and to ask who else we need to include.

I also feel totally awkward that they are paying for it, but I guess that’s fine, since they had NO involvement, and I am just thinking that like people are going to go up and thanks fiancés parents for hosting it and stuff and they didn’t.

Also- originally fiancés parents were paying AND handling all the details. Now that his aunt and uncle are paying his mom told us that we need to plan the details. Its not the hugest deal- but Its kind of thrown on my plate now- since I know fiancé knows nothing about getting centerpieces, place cards, desserts, etc.

Finally Fiances aunt and uncle who offered to pay are LDS and do not believe in drinking. But I don’t want a dry rehearsal and my parents said its rude to have a cash bar. My dad said he’d put some money at the bar and if people want it they can go up and then when it hits the limit it can be cash from that point on. He was going to put like $500 on a tab. I just don’t want his aunt and uncle to think they are paying for peoples booze and get offended. Do we tell them my dad is doing that?

J&K10910 · April 2012

Well for you first two main questions, those will both easily be solved by approaching them, thanking them for their generous offer, and asking how they want to handle the guest list and invitations. How many people were they thinking, do they want to send the invites, or do they want you to take care of everything, etc.

For the last question, I think the best thing to do here is have a dry RD. If your dad wants to host some alcohol, do an afterparty perhaps for the people that want to. If you feel comfortable, you could let them know you understand their beliefs, and were wondering what they would think of having some alcohol available if you guys pay for it. Then, I would do something like include beer and wine--don't have it be open until it's gone and then cash.

i2012do · April 2012

Oh I totally left this out
I am NOT SURE if fiances Mom was "supposed" to tell us, or if his aunt and uncle wanted to keep it a secret and just pay for it. So I don't want to approach them unless they approach us. And his mom just keeps saying "its fine they are paying its fine" but not answering my above questions- if that helps.

and as a follow up they made the offer to fiances parents- not us. We don't even technically "know" they offered to pay instead of fiances parents yet. So wouldnt it be up to fiances parents to decline? I wish they had- because I feel like this has opened a can or worms.

chelseamb11 · April 2012

Keep in mind, just because they offered to pay for it, doesn't mean you have to accept it. If you feel that the strings are too much (the planning, the alcohol, etc), you can always politely decline it. However, are you sure they would require you to have a dry rehearsal? I know people that do not drink for their own personal reasons, but wouldn't expect everyone else to uphold it too. This could be a good point where your FI sits down with his mom and tries to get the scoop of what strings (if any) would come with that money.

J&K10910 · April 2012

Then you and your FI need to say "look, there are logistics that need to be worked out. Someone needs to have a discussion with them, so how would you like that to happen? Would you like to ask them, or can we?" If she says she wants to do it--give her a list of questions you want answered. If the answers she comes back with aren't good enough, then tell her you just need to talk to them.

If this doesn't work, then you're best off just declining. Decline the aunt and uncle's offer, and decline FILs offer.

Meegles4 · April 2012

First, I think I'd want to know more about the "why" behind this change.

But, I think that if they are paying, then they are the hosts. They would send out the invitation (or e-mail or whatever), so people would get the idea that they are the hosts. Also, at the RD, you'd thank them for hosting it, so people would get the idea there as well or if you aren't doing RD invitations and just spreading the info. by word of mouth.

As for the bar, I think your dad's idea is OK. I don't think people will drink a ton at the RD so I don't know that you'd ever need to have a cash bar. My bigger concern would be if these people would be offended that people are drinking at all. Will they mind that people are drinking? If so, I think you need to honor their wishes as hosts or at least have a conversation about it before your dad goes in and sets up a tab.

Another option would be to decline the offer and pay for the RD yourself. Then you have full control over the alcohol situation and don't have the other awkward things you mention.

i2012do · April 2012

We made our budget based around the fact that Fils were paying because they told us back in 2010 they were. Otherwise we would have factored in the extra $. If we knew we'd have to pay because they couldnt, we would have been budgeting for it all along.
I assume that because they must have complained about finacnes and the expense of flying here, his aunt and uncle offered.

I don't think its my place to ask his mom if they are giving them a loan, paying because they cant affordit or hosting it- so I guess I can leave that to fiance.

i2012do · April 2012

Thanks- i didint think about finding out from Fiance if they would feel offended if people drank at all or about my dad setting up the tab- ill have to gracefully ask about this- i didin't even think about that offending them.

Meegles4 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_maybe-i-am-overthinking-this-but-hosting-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bc7b14cd-0a2f-4e00-a726-1f4c1b8eed0ePost:13e12b10-1e27-4017-8c28-461f8737f6bb">Re: maybe i am overthinking this but.. Hosting Question!!</a>:
[QUOTE]We made our budget based around the fact that Fils were paying because they told us back in 2010 they were. Otherwise we would have factored in the extra $. If we knew we'd have to pay because they couldnt, we would have been budgeting for it all along. I assume that because they must have complained about finacnes and the expense of flying here, his aunt and uncle offered. <strong>I don't think its my place to ask his mom if they are giving them a loan, paying because they cant affordit or hosting it- so I guess I can leave that to fiance.
</strong>Posted by i2012do[/QUOTE]

Yep, I think your FI needs to have a conversation with his parents. There are too many unknowns here and you need to know what the situation is so you can properly thank these people or not thank them if it's a top secret donation, or whatever.

i2012do · April 2012

"top secret donation" i like that.

i2012do · April 2012

SORRY! another question
If they ARE just giving fiances parents the money to just pay for it because maybe they told them they cant afford it

then do we need to invite aunt and uncle or stick to the original guest list?

maybe i am overthinking this but.. Hosting Question!!

Re: maybe i am overthinking this but.. Hosting Question!!

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