Moms and Maids

Mom can't make up her mind...

So, pretty much my whole life, my mom has made it clear that she thinks marriage is a bad idea. She's been married for over 40 years, so apparently she has her reasons. When I got engaged, I assumed she wouldn't be that interested, so I picked a dress without her. Plus we didn't really tell anyone for the first couple of months because my fiance wanted to get my parents permission first.

We got engaged kind of on a whim, so he wanted to ask for permission and then propose more formally. He actually asked my mom and she basically shrugged and said "whatever". Didn't get excited or anything. When I talked to her about it, she told me she only cared about the dress and the cake, she didn't care about the planning.

I took her to see the dress because I felt bad that I had picked one without her. She paid part of the deposit for me, which I was grateful for. But instead of telling me that I looked good or anything close to gushing...she told me that she really had no opinion because it wasn't her kind of dress. I kept asking what she thought of it on me, and she kept giving me the same answer.

Cut to Christmas, we were talking to my family about the wedding, and she made a joke about the planning. I commented on how she had said she didn't care about anything but the dress and the cake and she got really quiet.

A couple of days later, she told me that I was very rude and I hurt her feelings. Ok, I hurt her feelings by repeating exactly what she said to me.

We took her to see the original venue and she was so excited about it, and then got upset with me for giving it up because I couldn't afford it, and the coordinator was rude. That's the only thing she's had any emotion about.

If I try to talk to her about plans, she'll get excited for a second, and then shrug it off and tell me everything is up to me. One day I had a complete meltdown because EVERYTHING in my life was going wrong, and as soon as I mentioned the wedding, which wasnt even the bulk of the issue I was having, she snapped at me. She told me that the wedding was NOT about me, and that I needed to get over myself. Last time I checked, no one in my family was helping me out monetarily, except for what she paid on my dress.

If I talk about my wedding at all, my family just tells me to scale back all my plans and do something smaller. I've already cut the guest list, skipped out on two venues I really wanted, pushed the wedding back another 6 months, and skimmed my dress down to the bare essentials.

Either they want to be involved or they don't. And my whole life my mom has acted like she isn't interested in things, like my prom, and then when she does get involved, she guilt trips me over not including her sooner, when she said she wanted no part of it. Now it's happening with my wedding. I'm not trying to be a bridezilla, but I've been called one at least ten times.
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Re: Mom can't make up her mind...

  • edited December 2011
    I'm really sorry you're having such a tough time.  Maybe you need to sit down with your mom and have a heart to heart.  I would let her know that you value her opinion and want her to be a part of the planning process but you were under the assumption she wasn't interested.  It sounds like she has some issues going on in her life and you can't let that spoil your excitement.  Good luck!
  • KnibletKniblet member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I am sorry that this is happening to you, but from your words, she has done this most of your life.  Maybe it's time to stop talking about this stuff with her and your family.  They don't have to know every detail.  They can see it all the day of the wedding.

    Do you have friends that you can bounce ideas off?  Maybe your FI?  Find someone to talk to about it that isn't giving you crap when you do.  Use the MANY Knot boards to ask questions and look through posters Bios.  You can get a lot of ideas from the other brides here.


    And about her calling you rude for repeating her words:  You did it in front of other people.  She's your mom.  Even though you repeated her words, you disrespected her in front of others.  That's probably why she got upset.  Stuff like that should be spoken about with only you and her in the room.  No audience.  It will just make it all worse.  Christmas family get togthers are NOT the place to have words with someone.

    Good luck.

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  • edited December 2011
    It sounds like you and your mom need a new way of communicating. She may have been apathetic about the dress because you picked it out without her. Then you cancelled the reception venue that she liked, with valid reasons, of course. But she might be thinking that you don't care about her opinions. Instead of discussing things like an adult she gets back at you by acting like she doesn't care.

    Before you make remarks to your mom, ask yourself whether and how you would say the same thing to a friend. Sometimes we don't treat our families as well as we treat other people. And I would tell your mom the same thing, if she asked.
                       
  • mandi921vhmandi921vh member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-cant-up-her-mind?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4279e9a0-3dc6-4964-b6ef-70426d260eafPost:1ffea08c-94d4-440e-9d34-aacc7a7db10a">Re: Mom can't make up her mind...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am sorry that this is happening to you, but from your words, she has done this most of your life.  Maybe it's time to stop talking about this stuff with her and your family.  They don't have to know every detail.  They can see it all the day of the wedding. Do you have friends that you can bounce ideas off?  Maybe your FI?  Find someone to talk to about it that isn't giving you crap when you do.  Use the MANY Knot boards to ask questions and look through posters Bios.  You can get a lot of ideas from the other brides here. And about her calling you rude for repeating her words:  You did it in front of other people.  She's your mom.  Even though you repeated her words, you disrespected her in front of others.  That's probably why she got upset.  Stuff like that should be spoken about with only you and her in the room.  No audience.  It will just make it all worse.  Christmas family get togthers are NOT the place to have words with someone. Good luck.
    Posted by Kniblet[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I agree with this. 

    </div>
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  • FaburawFaburaw member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Here is the thing about my family Christmases...it always turns into an excuse to make fun of me. This year, I got fed up. I've put up with them making fun of me about my clothes, my hair, my taste in music, my career choices...my wedding was the last straw. Like I said, I made the comment after she made one first.

    My FI wants to leave everything up to me. The only friends who WANT to be involved are always working, the completely opposite schedule of me. My MOH isn't speaking to me...AGAIN, my FMIL doesn't like me. I have no sisters. The last friend I took with me to a wedding appointment made fun of me...WITH the consultant.

    It's not that I try to force my mom to be involved...she gets mad or hurt that I don't include her, and then anytime I do try to include her, she brushes me off. It's truly a lose-lose situation.

    But thanks for the advice.
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  • edited December 2011
    I'm sorry about your "lose-lose." I know some people would tell you to stop being a "bridezilla," and remind you that you're going to care more about your wedding than everyone else. While that may be true, we only know as much of your situation as you share, and I'm betting those are not entirly fair assesments. I know not all mothers are peaches and cream, nor are all families. The bride whose wedding I will be in next month has a mom and a sister who are somewhat less than thrilled. The really sad thing is, all the people at her shower in December could tell how her mom felt. No one understands why, although I know some of the reasons, but I still don't get it. But they're like a second family to me, so I try to stay out of it.

    But back to you: having a heart to heart sounds like a great idea in theory, but from what you've said it may or may not work. Give it a shot though. And if it doesn't, stop talking to her about wedding stuff. If she tries to guilt trip you, remind her privately that she declined to participate in planning already. Tell her you're taking care of the planning, and her job now is to publicly support you as best she can, seeing as how she's your mom. If she has a problem with doing that, maybe she can explain her reasons. Let her know that in the future, you will extend the invitation to be involved in big event planning when the planning starts. You will believe what she tells you about how much she wants to be involved, and you will not allow her to guilt you later if she declines and then "changes her mind." And STICK TO IT! If you give in to the guilt, it's like enabling an alcoholic, IMHO based on your description of her past behavior.

    And keep standing up for yourself. If everyone is picking on you at family gatherings, calmly state that your feelings are hurt, you do not appreciate it, and if their behavior does not change, seriously consider no longer attending family events. I know that sounds harsh, but just because they're your blood doesn't mean they're allowed to be malicious. If they dish it out but can't take it, then only they are having fun! Let your family know WHY you're no longer coming to Christmas. Get your local friends together who aren't traveling and celebrate that way. The ones who ARE talking to you and DON'T make fun of you! Make some nice knottie friends and some nice real ones. Friends joke around WITH each other, not with the bridal consultant ABOUT each other....
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  • FaburawFaburaw member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thank you shipsinthenight : )
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