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Moms and Maids
Faburaw
member
Mom can't make up her mind...
So, pretty much my whole life, my mom has made it clear that she thinks marriage is a bad idea. She's been married for over 40 years, so apparently she has her reasons. When I got engaged, I assumed she wouldn't be that interested, so I picked a dress without her. Plus we didn't really tell anyone for the first couple of months because my fiance wanted to get my parents permission first.
We got engaged kind of on a whim, so he wanted to ask for permission and then propose more formally. He actually asked my mom and she basically shrugged and said "whatever". Didn't get excited or anything. When I talked to her about it, she told me she only cared about the dress and the cake, she didn't care about the planning.
I took her to see the dress because I felt bad that I had picked one without her. She paid part of the deposit for me, which I was grateful for. But instead of telling me that I looked good or anything close to gushing...she told me that she really had no opinion because it wasn't her kind of dress. I kept asking what she thought of it on me, and she kept giving me the same answer.
Cut to Christmas, we were talking to my family about the wedding, and she made a joke about the planning. I commented on how she had said she didn't care about anything but the dress and the cake and she got really quiet.
A couple of days later, she told me that I was very rude and I hurt her feelings. Ok, I hurt her feelings by repeating exactly what she said to me.
We took her to see the original venue and she was so excited about it, and then got upset with me for giving it up because I couldn't afford it, and the coordinator was rude. That's the only thing she's had any emotion about.
If I try to talk to her about plans, she'll get excited for a second, and then shrug it off and tell me everything is up to me. One day I had a complete meltdown because EVERYTHING in my life was going wrong, and as soon as I mentioned the wedding, which wasnt even the bulk of the issue I was having, she snapped at me. She told me that the wedding was NOT about me, and that I needed to get over myself. Last time I checked, no one in my family was helping me out monetarily, except for what she paid on my dress.
If I talk about my wedding at all, my family just tells me to scale back all my plans and do something smaller. I've already cut the guest list, skipped out on two venues I really wanted, pushed the wedding back another 6 months, and skimmed my dress down to the bare essentials.
Either they want to be involved or they don't. And my whole life my mom has acted like she isn't interested in things, like my prom, and then when she does get involved, she guilt trips me over not including her sooner, when she said she wanted no part of it. Now it's happening with my wedding. I'm not trying to be a bridezilla, but I've been called one at least ten times.
We got engaged kind of on a whim, so he wanted to ask for permission and then propose more formally. He actually asked my mom and she basically shrugged and said "whatever". Didn't get excited or anything. When I talked to her about it, she told me she only cared about the dress and the cake, she didn't care about the planning.
I took her to see the dress because I felt bad that I had picked one without her. She paid part of the deposit for me, which I was grateful for. But instead of telling me that I looked good or anything close to gushing...she told me that she really had no opinion because it wasn't her kind of dress. I kept asking what she thought of it on me, and she kept giving me the same answer.
Cut to Christmas, we were talking to my family about the wedding, and she made a joke about the planning. I commented on how she had said she didn't care about anything but the dress and the cake and she got really quiet.
A couple of days later, she told me that I was very rude and I hurt her feelings. Ok, I hurt her feelings by repeating exactly what she said to me.
We took her to see the original venue and she was so excited about it, and then got upset with me for giving it up because I couldn't afford it, and the coordinator was rude. That's the only thing she's had any emotion about.
If I try to talk to her about plans, she'll get excited for a second, and then shrug it off and tell me everything is up to me. One day I had a complete meltdown because EVERYTHING in my life was going wrong, and as soon as I mentioned the wedding, which wasnt even the bulk of the issue I was having, she snapped at me. She told me that the wedding was NOT about me, and that I needed to get over myself. Last time I checked, no one in my family was helping me out monetarily, except for what she paid on my dress.
If I talk about my wedding at all, my family just tells me to scale back all my plans and do something smaller. I've already cut the guest list, skipped out on two venues I really wanted, pushed the wedding back another 6 months, and skimmed my dress down to the bare essentials.
Either they want to be involved or they don't. And my whole life my mom has acted like she isn't interested in things, like my prom, and then when she does get involved, she guilt trips me over not including her sooner, when she said she wanted no part of it. Now it's happening with my wedding. I'm not trying to be a bridezilla, but I've been called one at least ten times.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Mom can't make up her mind...
Do you have friends that you can bounce ideas off? Maybe your FI? Find someone to talk to about it that isn't giving you crap when you do. Use the MANY Knot boards to ask questions and look through posters Bios. You can get a lot of ideas from the other brides here.
And about her calling you rude for repeating her words: You did it in front of other people. She's your mom. Even though you repeated her words, you disrespected her in front of others. That's probably why she got upset. Stuff like that should be spoken about with only you and her in the room. No audience. It will just make it all worse. Christmas family get togthers are NOT the place to have words with someone.
Good luck.
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Before you make remarks to your mom, ask yourself whether and how you would say the same thing to a friend. Sometimes we don't treat our families as well as we treat other people. And I would tell your mom the same thing, if she asked.
[QUOTE]I am sorry that this is happening to you, but from your words, she has done this most of your life. Maybe it's time to stop talking about this stuff with her and your family. They don't have to know every detail. They can see it all the day of the wedding. Do you have friends that you can bounce ideas off? Maybe your FI? Find someone to talk to about it that isn't giving you crap when you do. Use the MANY Knot boards to ask questions and look through posters Bios. You can get a lot of ideas from the other brides here. And about her calling you rude for repeating her words: You did it in front of other people. She's your mom. Even though you repeated her words, you disrespected her in front of others. That's probably why she got upset. Stuff like that should be spoken about with only you and her in the room. No audience. It will just make it all worse. Christmas family get togthers are NOT the place to have words with someone. Good luck.
Posted by Kniblet[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I agree with this.
</div>
My FI wants to leave everything up to me. The only friends who WANT to be involved are always working, the completely opposite schedule of me. My MOH isn't speaking to me...AGAIN, my FMIL doesn't like me. I have no sisters. The last friend I took with me to a wedding appointment made fun of me...WITH the consultant.
It's not that I try to force my mom to be involved...she gets mad or hurt that I don't include her, and then anytime I do try to include her, she brushes me off. It's truly a lose-lose situation.
But thanks for the advice.
But back to you: having a heart to heart sounds like a great idea in theory, but from what you've said it may or may not work. Give it a shot though. And if it doesn't, stop talking to her about wedding stuff. If she tries to guilt trip you, remind her privately that she declined to participate in planning already. Tell her you're taking care of the planning, and her job now is to publicly support you as best she can, seeing as how she's your mom. If she has a problem with doing that, maybe she can explain her reasons. Let her know that in the future, you will extend the invitation to be involved in big event planning when the planning starts. You will believe what she tells you about how much she wants to be involved, and you will not allow her to guilt you later if she declines and then "changes her mind." And STICK TO IT! If you give in to the guilt, it's like enabling an alcoholic, IMHO based on your description of her past behavior.
And keep standing up for yourself. If everyone is picking on you at family gatherings, calmly state that your feelings are hurt, you do not appreciate it, and if their behavior does not change, seriously consider no longer attending family events. I know that sounds harsh, but just because they're your blood doesn't mean they're allowed to be malicious. If they dish it out but can't take it, then only they are having fun! Let your family know WHY you're no longer coming to Christmas. Get your local friends together who aren't traveling and celebrate that way. The ones who ARE talking to you and DON'T make fun of you! Make some nice knottie friends and some nice real ones. Friends joke around WITH each other, not with the bridal consultant ABOUT each other....
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