i dont know where to start

pinkcamo66 · May 2012

When my fiance got engaged we asked our daughters, his is 23 and mine is 22, to please respect our wishes for no facial piercings or new tatoos. They have older ones which we have talked of covering. We are now 3 weeks from wedding and his daughter went and got a tatoo which states, I shall fear no evil. It is located across her back between her shoulder blades. She has stated to a lot of family members that she doesn't care what we think and she knew we didn't want her to get it but she did it anyways. Well needless to say it has caused a huge uproar and my fiance told her she was no longer in the wedding. Before she had gotten the tatoo her and I had discussed that this might be a possibility. She now doesn't want to understand why we are so upset with her and is even refusing and stating she doesn't even want to be at the wedding and never wanted to. Her son who is 4 who is our grandson is to be our ring bearer but she is refusing to allow him to be there. This is killing us both but especially her dad due to her being so ugly and hurtful about all of this. I just need some advice on what to do. The tatoo can not be covered due to it will be in the scabbing and peeling process at this time, and the custom made dress that my fiance and I paid for for her is a low back dress.

DaisyDollJ · May 2012

I am sorry you are going through this. My fiance and I are going through a similar situation with his youngest son who is 22. He decided he didn't want to be in the wedding after being all about it before...he also decided not to attend. His two sons (twins) were our ring bearers but they aren't going to be at the wedding either. We found out through the grapevine about a month ago and we had paid for all of their tuxedos. My fiance was hurt and there was a terrible argument between them but the fact is, his son has a right to feel the way he does about it...even to our hurt and heartache. I just wish he had talked to his dad about it before telling everyone else. I should mention that I get along well with both of my fiance's sons.

We decided to not push the point but allow him to come to terms with the damage and hurt his decision caused. He called last weekend and told his father that though he wouldn't participate in the ceremony, he would like to come and support his dad. My fiance was hoping for more but I am glad it turned out as well as it did. We simply replaced him with someone else and chose another grandson as ring bearer.

My advice, give your soon to be step daughter some space. Don't push the argument, it will only damage the relationship further. When the vows have been said and the cake is cut...you still have the rest of your lives to live, keeping close those you love even if they pull away from you right now. She is young, and clearly there is a maturity issue here. Don't let it ruin your plans. I know it's hard but you need to stay focused on your future, keep your eye on the bigger picture. She will cool off and eventually you guys will be able to talk with her about the hurt you both feel. As for the ceremony, if you feel it's important to have someone else up there with you, replace her and order a new dress...if not, simply let it go. You don't want to look back on your wedding day and know that she was standing beside you with resentment.

This is simply my advice, you know your circumstances better but I do wish you and your family the best. :-)

handfast4me · May 2012

Ok, as a 52 year old woman with a few tattoos and plans for more, I disagree with you. My daughter is 26, and she and I went together and got matching tattoos for my first (her third).

These women are old enough to choose what they do to their bodies--you telling them what to do is unacceptable. Or perhaps you should have stated it such as "we will choose not to have you in the wedding party if you get any more tattoos" --still unacceptable to me. I understand that you may not have wanted the tattoos in the pictures of your wedding, but this is on her back, for crying out loud. Unless you're taking pictures of everyone's backs, then it won't even be seen in the pictures!

What do the dresses look like that they show that much back, anyway? (I hate strapless dresses!) Can't she use a pashmina/shawl during the ceremony? Also there are special make-ups that cover tattoos (how do you think Angelina does it?)

I just gotta say that if you want someone in your ceremony, you have to want them, warts and all. Or tattoos and all.

Marrin713 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_40-plus-brides_i-dont-know-where-to-start?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:69dea60c-2319-4015-8380-4a5cc0f18476Discussion:62a29807-2a00-4759-9f97-4d80ddb38091Post:2fa1f501-c397-41b4-8d9e-5c0741b5ba67">i dont know where to start</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>When my fiance got engaged</strong> we asked our daughters, his is 23 and mine is 22, to please respect our wishes for no facial piercings or new tatoos. They have older ones which we have talked of covering. We are now 3 weeks from wedding and his daughter went and got a tatoo which states, I shall fear no evil. It is located across her back between her shoulder blades. She has stated to a lot of family members that she doesn't care what we think and she knew we didn't want her to get it but she did it anyways. Well needless to say it has caused a huge uproar and my fiance told her she was no longer in the wedding. Before she had gotten the tatoo her and I had discussed that this might be a possibility. She now doesn't want to understand why we are so upset with her and is even refusing and stating she doesn't even want to be at the wedding and never wanted to. Her son who is 4 who is our grandson is to be our ring bearer but she is refusing to allow him to be there. This is killing us both but especially her dad due to her being so ugly and hurtful about all of this. I just need some advice on what to do. The tatoo can not be covered due to it will be in the scabbing and peeling process at this time, and the custom made dress that my fiance and I paid for for her is a low back dress.
Posted by pinkcamo66[/QUOTE]

Who'd he get engaged to? ;)

I think given her reaction, this is more than just about tattoos.

handfast4me · May 2012

Exactly Mar, I'm wondering what is really behind this entire thing.

oneday12 · May 2012

Is it worth all the drama that is going to happen AFTER the wedding (and continue for possibly years)?

I would tell her you want her in the wedding (I am assuming you do) but tell her its her decision and whatever she chooses you will respect. Then leave it - if she decides she doesn't want to be in the wedding thats her decision and she needs to own it. I think making to big of a deal about it is just going to cause issue for many years to come. I like the idea of a shawl or wrap or if she has long hair have her wear it down.

It seems like she is pushing to see what she can get away with from you and whose side her father will choose. She is doing exactly what you asked her not to bc she is acting out (and she may not even be conscious of it) and she wants you and her dad to accept her how she is and that really is the best thing to do. I really think when its all over you and your FI will be much happier if she is in the wedding and you just ignore the tattoo.

My parents got divorced when most of their children were adults and our father remarried - we did not all act like adults and still don't! After 21 years I am still having to deal with 50+ babies regarding my wedding and my parents!

Good luck and don't let anyone take your spot light!!!!!

Sue-n-Kevin · May 2012

You and your fiance made a polite request that there be no more tattoos, and she politely (or rudely, depending on your viewpoint) declined to honor your request. She is an adult and can do whatever she wants with her body. She did it to spite, and she is getting the rise/reaction out of her father that she figured she'd get. This "tattoo-gate" is now enough to embroil her and her dad, you and her kids, in an ugly situation for years.

Let it go. Yes, if you have an "anti-tattoo" rule at the wedding, letting it go sucks. That's why parenthood is known as the one relationship with unconditional love. I like the "warts and all" comment above. Your daughters have been raised to adulthood, and while you both may not agree with all their decisions, they are their decisions to make. I would never allow something like this to ruin my relationship with my children.

It's not murder, it's not child abuse, it's not rape, it's tattoos. Hopefully you can intervene between your fiance and his daughter and be the peacemaker. We are not what we look like, we are what we are inside. He needs to be the bigger person, with assistance from you in finding the words if needed, and discuss this rationally and calmly. He has a right to express his displeasure with her decision. He also has the right to remove her from his family for a very long time if he doesn't come around, because that is essentially what he will be doing by taking this "all or nothing" approach. Yes, it's hard to be the parent and say the words "Sorry, I was wrong". But if this were a male friend standing up in the wedding and the male friend got a tattoo, would he kick him out? I'd bet not. It doesn't matter that it can be seen if she doesn't wear a shawl.............to him it matters that his adult daughter defied him.

You have my permission to use my "death bed theory", which I use with my kids all the time. Is the fact she got a tattoo, or even defied him, going to matter on his death bed? No, probably not. But his reaction which may define their relationship, and the relationship with his grandkids for a very long time might.

Good luck.

handfast4me · May 2012

You know, I wondered why this post bothered me so much, and then I finally figured it out. This is just like that letter to the bridesmaids that was going around a few years ago. Turned out to be a hoax, but it was ridiculous. Basically the bride was dictating to her bridesmaids to not get pregnant, to lose weight, wear their hair a certain way, get spraytans, etc. and it went on and on and on.

This feels the same way to me--dictating to the bridal party. Just because you're related to them (or will be by marriage) does NOT give you a pass to dictate to them.

Marrin713 · May 2012

How come they never come back?

handfast4me · May 2012

Because they know they were either posting MUD or they're afraid to read the truth. Because, Pinkcamo, YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
::Jack impression is over::

ski2play · May 2012

Start by apologizing OP. Aka, Let it go, these are your daughters. Would you rather have them not there or not in the wedding? In the formal group pictures you aren't even going to see her back.

Not sure who the adult in this situation is, certainly not the OP and her FI.

FSForever · May 2012

Wow, definately hit some nerves in the replies. I would like to stress that there is something much more going on that just the issue of following the OP's wishes in how she wanted adult children to behave at her wedding. Hopefully you will be able to figure it out because you are in for many years of struggles if this is how its starting out.

We have 7 kids between us ranging from 15 to 27 and I can tell you if we just metioned hair color, tatoos, or anything in changing their bodies to accomodate our wedding plans, half of them would go out and do it just to tick us off. Well probably not but I would have never thought to ask them to refrain from anything of the such. The best we offered was to take them all to Maui and some of them actually decilined, ok she's pregnant and due the week before but who's counting. One of FI's daughter's did respectfully declined as it is still to painful to see her Dad with me and she lives with her mom. We respect that and will continue to work with her but we won't put our plans on hold.

OP don't we are just trying to understand and personally I would like to hear more on how this is working out for you.

pinkcamo66 · May 2012

Okay I am back...and you are right it is not just about the tatoo. His daughter has been disrepectful to my FI for a lot of years now. I am not dictating hair or spray tanning or anything stupid and outrageous to them. They picked out they dresses to be custom made in the colors they liked best on them...we paid for them...I have not asked them to do anything to help because I know they too have busy lives. They picked out their shoes, hair styles and all...they even picked out what their kids, ring bearers and flower girls will be wearing...again we paid for. The point is until last year she lived with us at which point her dad had to kick her out due to her lack of wanting to parent her own child because she depended on him and I to take care of him...I mean feed cloth bath put to bed, cause she decided it was his job...um no...I believe this for her was like a 12 yo acting out sometimes when their dad is getting remarried. Her and I were close, or so I thought. But this past weekend she came to us and apologized and said its because she feels like we don't include her in our lives. For that I apologized that she felt that way. Her mom did not have a hand in raising her so her dad and her are real close...and I get that. I was a single mom and my kids and I are real close, but would never act or react in that way, at least til after the wedding. We did talk tho and she and I trying to come up with a solution...either raise the back of the dress or a shawl or something...idk...and oh...sorry bout the typo...didn't know so many people would get stupid over it...was just upset the day I wrote this...and yes they are their bodies and have a right to do what that want but we had an agreement...as far as that goes if she asked me to wear a puke green flour bag dress with a paper bag over my head to her wedding...I WOULD DO IT...because its her day I love her and respect her...that's what its about! Thanks for your...ummmm....opinions. by the way she is now a good parent...sometimes it takes a tough love situation to get even your adult children to grow up...I had plenty myself

pinkcamo66 · May 2012

wow...didn't know I had put this in the snarky bride forum as a lot of you may seem I did

pinkcamo66 · May 2012

Cause I work 6 days a week and don't have time to sit by the computer constantly

[Deleted User] · May 2012

Instead of a shawl, how about a balero jacket or maybe have them add lace across the top of the back of the dress.

FSForever · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_40-plus-brides_i-dont-know-where-to-start?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:69dea60c-2319-4015-8380-4a5cc0f18476Discussion:62a29807-2a00-4759-9f97-4d80ddb38091Post:687c25d3-14b2-4f4e-ac5c-01ac9a90b52a">Re:i dont know where to start</a>:
[QUOTE]Cause I work 6 days a week and don't have time to sit by the computer constantly
Posted by pinkcamo66[/QUOTE]
Some of us work with computers all day and have no choice. When things get crazy its nice to take a break from work and check in on personal or wedding stuff. Shhhh don't tell my boss, oh I am the boss.<div>OP glad you were able to come back and check in with an update. Sounds like you have it cleared up and have a plan with her to make everyone happy. </div>

123861 · May 2012

people with tatoos,piercing or clothing that makes us shudder,are all signs of " I don't want to be overlooked or ignored" it's another way of getting attention, even if it's negative.

Kristin789 · May 2012

First, since her tat will be in the scabbing/peeling phase and she'll be around all sorts of people and germs at the wedding, she will need to cover the unhealed, unsealed tat with some kind of flesh-colored bandage to avoid infection.

That may be enough - just to have the tat covered with a bandage.

Beyond that, you could have her wear a shawl or pashmina (again, must have the tat covered or the fabric will catch on the scabbing and pull on it - very painful and will cause bleeding, which will allow bacteria to get in there).

mizutamababy · May 2012

I stumbled on this board and am not 40+... but may I suggest if it bothers you that much just have the photog photoshop it out.

That said this issue comes up on E all the time and you can't tell people what/what not to do with their bodies nor is it fair to have a "no tats or you can't be in my wedding" rule, let alone enforce one. Would it have been considerate of her to respect your wishes knowing your opinion on them.. Perhaps so... But either way she's your daughter with or without tats and it seems silly to let something like this be a relationship ending move. (Which is what it will feel like to your daughter if you kick her out over this, and could possibly mean you have less or no access to your grandson in the future as well.)

PrettyK · June 2012

A good talk and conversation between your family is a way to understand each other's side.

I am familiar with this family issue because I have experienced this as well but we surpassed all these through a good talk.

i dont know where to start

Re: i dont know where to start

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