Nerves part II

chance_encounters · August 2009

So for those of you that are getting married for the 2nd time. How long were you married the 1st? How long have you been apart/divorced? Are you scared this one will fail too? If so are you somewhat protecting yourself? If not what are you doing differently? Sorry lots on my mind!!!! Thanks ladies

mma3 · August 2009

As horrible as it sounds this is my third time. I was 19 the first time and it lasted a couple months. Second time was my daughters father and we married simply because of her. We pretty much lived seperate lives and finally I couldn't take the drinking etc anymore and left. I know that I am making the right decision. We are eachothers soulmates and always have been. He knows my greatest fears and knows my dreams. He is my rock when I need one and I am for him. I read your last post and I am on the fence....I was forced to have a hysterectomy when my daughter was two. I didn't care because I knew I didn't want anymore children with my ex. Unfortunately, I would love nothing more than to have one with FI. Between the two of us we have 3 kids and I would love another. My daughter was a rough pregnancy and I had two miscarriages they told me that another would probably kill me. All I can say is that you guys need to work through this together by talking and keeping the communication going. Don't tell him that you are going to think about something or consider it if you have already made that decision. I am sure that things will work out and remember that this is a normal feeling for him to want his own kids as well. Just talk. GL

pamila51510 · August 2009

MMA3 I am on my 3rd I think you and I have a similar story other than my 1st time was 19 and I had twins when I turned 21 my second was because of my daughter and I got fed up with the lies and the drinking. This time it is amazing and I know we can weather anything. I will not fail we are so happy together and when there is difficulty we work it out and don't yell. It took a while for me to come around but he hung in there and just kept appearing and being there and now we are an unstoppable force. You have to beleive it is you both agianst anything. Marriage is work relationships are work! But you should be able to enjoy it your life together. It is magic.

karma007 · August 2009

Okay, I have a novel to add to this one, but I'm leaving work right now...I'll get back to you. In a nutshell, this is my 3rd, and I'm too amused to even be scared. As my therapist said "the worst thing that can happen is, you're wrong."

TrueLoveThisTime · August 2009

The 1st time I was married for 2 1/2 years. We were together for a total of 6 1/2 years. I have been divorced now for about 5 years. My ex-husband actually divorced me and it was a blessing in disguise. When I was single, I was having the time of my life that I didn't have before. I was so guarded and miserable in my prevous marriage. Now that I'm with my FI, he is the BEST man I have EVER met. I have NEVER felt the way I do with him: emotionally, physically, and intimately. I have SO MUCH faith that this is forever!!!! All I have to say is that I have never felt such strong feelings and emotions for one person, one mate in my life. That is why I'm NOT scared and I KNOW this is the real ONE for me! :)P.S.I used to protect myself, but letting down my guard has been the smartest and most effective thing I've done to become closer and more in love with the man I'm going to marry in March.

handfast4me · August 2009

This is my second, I was officially married for 18 years before the divorce, but we were seperated those last 2 years. I was seperated/divorced about 5 years before I remarried, and I'm very scared this one will fail. This is a totally different relationship. And that's what I'm doing differently. I picked someone who isn't selfish. That's also different. And we're not "best friends." I always worry when I see that in a signature: "marrying my best friend on. . . " Oh boy. I think first h and I did a few things wrong, which was to tell one another EVERYTHING. There were no boundaries. We used the bathroom in front of one another, etc. By the end of the relationship, we were just roommates. And he was much more giving to people outside our relationship than he was to me. We'd grown apart, and developed different goals and philosophies. With DH, we have boundaries. He's very introverted, and I give him lots of space. I don't ask "what are you thinking" because it's his business. We have the same goals and philosophies, except around a few political issues, which we don't discuss. And we have an "us against the world" comraderie, but we are not best friends. We're close, and we're intimate, but we're lovers. Big difference. THAT's what I'm doing differntly.

NYHarleyBride · August 2009

This is my second (both of our second). I was married for nine years and single for 13. Only actually divorced for 9 because it too so damn long, but that is ex-H and NY State and another story. He was married for 17, separated for three and divorced for one year. IT is not easy because being independent and single for 13 years has certainly not made me "easy." However, I am not scared this one will fail, but I can tell you it is work. We love each other very much and are very committed, but we are very different in many ways. Our backgrounds, our eductaion, our work. However, we both come from close families and both love spending time together, either alone or with our kids. We are truly family people. That said, there are enough differences that we have to communicate to work through (and he is not a talker, and I am a "solve it right now" person).I have to agree with handfast. Although in some ways we are very close and almost like buddies (riding motorcycles, working in the garage, putting down floor tiles) we have boundaries, and that seems to work better for us. I don't ask him everything he is thinking (unless he looks liek something is bothering him) and he definitely does not want to know everything about my past, or what I am thinking. We liek to keep the mystery and intrigue going, and it has worked.

karma007 · August 2009

My fist marriage ended 14 years ago, and lasted about 18 months (does the term 'shotgun' ring a bell? Oddly enough, my current fiance was the first person I dated after that. My second marriage ended faily recently after being together for 8 years (married for 3); I ended it, and while abrupt, it was the best thing I have ever done. I left him for the right man, for FI, a person I should have married a long, long time ago. Leaving my (ex) husband was hard, and the damage to all parties has been a lot to work through, and it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. The marrige was unhealthy, and whether I came home to FI or not, it was time to end it. I just couldn't justify staying, just to stay.He had refused my requests for therapy, and ignored me when I said we needed help. Being the one who leaves is very, very hard. That being said, my fears and concerns are massive some days. Sometimes I don't know if I have any business being a wife at all, maybe I'm just not cut out for it. I worry about the heartbreak I'll feel if this ever ends. I really took a chance to be here with FI, and it would so be like karma to wreck it for be. Some days I've considered cancelling it, but there would be no point; I still would stay here with him. On the other hand, when I came to join FI, I knew there were no promises, no guarentees that it will work, except the promises we made to eachother. No one gets out of this. We say that it's not just for forever, but for 'no matter what'. It means more to me that any promise I made the ex's. It weighs more, somehow. It's very comforting in a way. I'm tired of starting over, and feel like I've finally found home, a nice safe place.

2dBride · August 2009

I was married nearly 19 years the first time. We've been divorced since 1996.Yes, I have my moments of fearing that this marriage will also end. Or actually, of fearing that this marriage will not end, because as a same-sex couple we have no way to divorce, but that she will just leave me.However, I have had lots of therapy to figure out what happened the first time, and how to avoid that. My FI is nothing like my ex-husband. And even the first time around, I didn't do that badly--my ex-husband is a basically nice guy who is just not really suited to being in a relationship. He will actually be attending our wedding and giving one of the blessings.Also, as a practical matter, I will be 56 when we get married. If my second marriage lasts at least 19 years, I'd be 75 by then. The actuarial tables suggest that I can't expect the marriage to last too much longer than that, even if it is only terminated by death.

futurestepmama · August 2009

I see the pain that my fiance's children go through on a daily basis with having divorced parents (not that it has to be that way, it's just really bad for them) and and I am terrified that my son or daughter will have to feel that someday, too. I NEVER thought anything would happen between my ex and me, but he wasn't who he led on to be, and looking back I still don't see any warning signs, so that freaks me out. If there had been huge signs that I just ignored, it would be so much easier to learn from, but I still don't know what I could have done differently. All I know is that my feelings are different. You're not the only one who's terrified. But, please PLEASE decide on the kid issue before getting married. You don't want to go through this again. Like someone else said, you just have to think of it in worst case scenario. It already happened once, and I survived. Just make sure there's nothing obvious in the way before taking the plunge.

nyrek · August 2009

This will be my 2nd marriage, his first. I have 3 children from my 1st marriage, he has no children. My FI also definitely wants kids of his own, but for me...I'm totally ok with that. I conceived easily, and had great pregnancies...so I can only empathize with you and wish you all the luck in the world with whatever you decide. As for being scared...my answer would be no. I got married 1st time right out of high school, and we were married for 10 years. I've been single for over 6 years now. This time around, I feel like I know what I'm actually getting myself into...what a real marriage is all about. I feel more prepared, more ready, more sure...it's just perfect. I know it sounds goofy...but it's true. I think I'll be better at compromise, at listening, at working at the relationship, at saying "thank you"...and I know he'll be great, too...or I would never have said "yes."However, as for protection...I have learned to always have a safety net for myself and my kids. FI and I have talked and he understands that it has nothing to do with not trusting him...just an understanding of "you never know." We will have a his, hers, and ours account...I will always have savings just for me...just in case. You're coming down to the wire here...and that's what's got you upset. Take some time to talk to FI and figure out what will work for you both. Good luck to you!

dwashco · March 2010

I know this is an old message, but I'm new here and would like to chime in. I was married the first time at age 19 and it lasted for 22 years. FI was married at about the same age, but his only lasted a little while. My divorce was final for 2 months prior to meeting FI. I've known since I met him that he was the person I should have always been with. My divorce will have been final for about a year and a half by the time we get married this summer.

I sometimes have that little voice in my head that says "What if this fails like the first?" but when I look in my FI eyes and he tells me he has my back all those little "What If's" melt away. This is the best decision I have made in my life. I don't feel the need to "protect" myself because my FI is such a loving/careing person - I had always felt like I was protecting myself when married to my X.....

Nerves part II

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