My MOH a.k.a. My sister isn't helpful...

abellem · April 2010

I am five months away from my wedding day and I'm quite disappointed and sad. My sister who is my maid of honor is not talking to me. I don't know what is going on with her. She claims that she's going through her own personal issues and wants me to leave her alone for the time being. It has been two months since we last spoke. She doesn't respond to my text messages, emails or phone calls asking for her help or opinions about my planning process. Since I started planning she has not done much. I've never asked anything of her. All the little easy tasks I've asked her to do (such as search for affordable florists and bakers) she just put on the back burner, so I ended up doing them myself. My other bridesmaids have been beyond helpful and supportive and I'm thankful for them. Recently, they started discussing locations and logistics for my bridal shower. They've contacted my sister over and she doesn't reply. The only thing my sister tells me that's upsetting her is that ber best friend got another job overseas and has left the country. She doesn't have a boyfriend, so her best friend is all she has. But I guess she's taking it really hard (I don't know why!) I feel that she's been extremely selfish and uncooperative. I have even thought about just cutting her out of the bridal party, although I know that might make things worse between us. However, at this point she is just dead weight (sorry I don't mean to sound like a b*tch). She doesn't contribute anything (ideas, comments, opinions, etc.) She doesn't even participate with discussions. It's like she doesn't care about my wedding at all! This is particularly disappointing because she's my own sister! I don't know what I should do. Should I just let her be a part of the party, since she is my sister, even though it is making me extremely unhappy? Or should I talk to her and tell her it's not working out and I need people in my party who are truly there for me? This is so frustrating!

SheDiva4 · April 2010

I know it is a really hurtful situation. You expect your MOH to be helpful in helping you plan and keep your sanity, that is probably why you chose her.

However I suggest you take a moment to look at things from her perspective.

[QUOTE]The only thing my sister tells me that's upsetting her is that her best friend got another job overseas and has left the country. She doesn't have a boyfriend, so her best friend is all she has. But I guess she's taking it really hard (I don't know why!) I feel that she's been extremely selfish and uncooperative. [/QUOTE]

Maybe you sister's BF moving is really difficult for her because she will be alone. While it's not right maybe planning your wedding and your life with you FI is more than she can handle.

I would not write her off or demote her, but would call and ask her to hang out one day.

But here is the catch, take off the bride hat and put on the sister hat. Do not bring up anything wedding related unless she does. Spend a day with your sister not you MOH and let her vent to you about what she is feeling.

Often times people are in their own little world and only think about their situation.

Hopefully what your sister is dealing with will pass and she will not only be helpful to you but also in a good place in her life, which is very important.

lizziemoopsc · April 2010

I understand you're frustrated, but the only thing she "has" to do is stand up next to you in the dress. PERIOD. She is not "dead weight" because she isn't volunteering, or even doing wedding stuff for you, nor is she not "truly there" for you.

Did you select her because you wanted her to do things for you or because she's your sister and you love her? Do you pick your friends based on what they do for you?

Sounds like she is going through a really tough time right now, a time when she really needs a friend and one just moved away. She is probably much more concerned with that than finding bakers and florists. Have you tried being a friend to her?

Nobody will ever be as into your wedding as you are. Maybe not even your FI (who is the only person who has to be planning the wedding with you).

It's ok to be disappointed that she's not helping with your shower, but not only do you have other friends taking care of it, you're getting one to begin with!

If you take her out of the party, you're ending that relationship. Particularly if it's because she's not doing enough for you.

xoxob · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_moh-aka-sister-isnt-helpful?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:1e8e506f-930f-491a-92e7-9b3e8d2162e5Post:61a5773e-df87-4273-aa2a-0c62c0739091">My MOH a.k.a. My sister isn't helpful...</a>:
[QUOTE]I am five months away from my wedding day and I'm quite disappointed and sad. My sister who is my maid of honor is not talking to me. I don't know what is going on with her. She claims that she's going through her own personal issues and wants me to leave her alone for the time being. It has been two months since we last spoke. She doesn't respond to my text messages, emails or phone calls asking for her help or opinions about my planning process. Since I started planning she has not done much. I've never asked anything of her. All the little easy tasks I've asked her to do (such as search for affordable florists and bakers) she just put on the back burner, so I ended up doing them myself. My other bridesmaids have been beyond helpful and supportive and I'm thankful for them. Recently, they started discussing locations and logistics for my bridal shower. They've contacted my sister over and she doesn't reply. The only thing my sister tells me that's upsetting her is that ber best friend got another job overseas and has left the country. She doesn't have a boyfriend, so her best friend is all she has. But I guess she's taking it really hard (I don't know why!) I feel that she's been extremely selfish and uncooperative. I have even thought about just cutting her out of the bridal party, although I know that might make things worse between us. However, at this point she is just dead weight (sorry I don't mean to sound like a b*tch). She doesn't contribute anything (ideas, comments, opinions, etc.) She doesn't even participate with discussions. It's like she doesn't care about my wedding at all! This is particularly disappointing because she's my own sister! I don't know what I should do. Should I just let her be a part of the party, since she is my sister, even though it is making me extremely unhappy? Or should I talk to her and tell her it's not working out and I need people in my party who are truly there for me? This is so frustrating!
Posted by abellem[/QUOTE]

CN: Bridezilla is angry her sister hasn't helped her plan her wedding. Her sister's best friend is moving to another country and OP doesn't understand why she is sad. OP wants to know if it's OK to kick her out of the WP.

xoxob · April 2010

I really hope this isn't real. Sorry, I hope you know, you really sound like a bitch! I don't know how you thought you could say those horrible things about your sister and not sound selfish and immature.

News flash? Your bridesmaids are not hired hands. They don't have to help you do anything. They just need to show up in the dress, stand next to you soberly and smile. That's it. It is your responsibility to plan your own wedding, along with the help of your FI, he is the only one required to help you.

Have you tried to talk to your sister about anything unrelated to YOUR wedding in the past two months? Maybe you don't know what's going on because you've been so self involved you haven't even asked.

How dare you you imply that your sister doesn't have a right to be upset because her best friend is moving out of the country. I have a flippin' fiance and I still CRY because I miss my best friend so much and she lives in CA.

If you can't bring yourself to become involved in your sister's life outside of her role in your wedding then leave her alone. Feel lucky that your other BMs are planning on throwing you a shower (FYI, they aren't required to do that) and plan your and your FI's wedding.

And yes, you need to keep her in your WP, you cannot kick someone out after you've asked them.

Sloane99 · April 2010

Have you tried maybe, texting, emailing or phoning about things that aren't about you and your big day?

SarahM2012 · April 2010

Your MOH doesnt have to find you bakers and florists. It's your wedding, do your own leg work. The MOH is more to help with the day of and keeping the bridesmaids on track with dresses and fittings and such.
It sounds like she is really having some problems that she is not ready to talk about it. Chill out and give her space; you're being insensitive and she doesnt have to tell you everything that is going on with her. For the shower maybe ask if she is comfortable with the rest of the BMs planning the shower so she can get herself together. She is your sister. She should NOT be taken out of the party unless you want to ruin your relationship forever. The important thing to remember is that she cares about you even if she isnt showing it. It's not all about you in this case even if it is YOUR wedding.

kaynix21 · April 2010

I can feel it...you are going to get so burned for this post, it's not even funny.

So I'll skip that part and give you my 2 cents.

Leave her alone. Right now this is not about your wedding. Its about your sister and if she is ok, physically and mentally. If she is having serious personal issues, you're right, she probably doesn't give two sh!ts about your wedding. Be there are her sister, not as a bride needing her Maid of Honor.

Do the planning yourself. There are tons of girls around here who use their sisters as MoHs but live so far away that they can't help.

If your other BMs are helping, great. When some agrees to be in your wedding party, they don't HAVE to help. They show up, and wear what you pick. The end.

I know it sucks and it would be a lot easier to have help, but there are quite a few brides are here who work, go to school and have zero help and they still do it. It's stressful and it sucks.

But right now it sounds like you need to be a sister. This is not about your wedding. It is about your sister and your relationship with her.

It's pretty messed up if you remove her for not helping. She doesn't have to. But it could ruin your relationship forever if you do so. Let her be about the wedding. If she wants to help, she will. If not, at least she'll be there and take photos with you.

If not, let her remove herself from the party and you can move on with the wedding aspect.

But be a sister.

tiffersnc · April 2010

I was going to write you a long response, but xoxob took all the words out of my mouth. So you can read her post twice - once for her and once for me.

maggiepatch · April 2010

To put it bluntly, you are selfish and self-absorbed. Your MOH and Bridesmaids have no responsibility to you and your wedding other than getting a dress and showing up on time. Even hosting Bachelorette parties or Showers are optional. The wedding planning is strictly you and your FI's responsiblity so stop pawning tasks off and having unreasonable expectations of your MOH

Frankly it sounds like your sister could use a friend right now and it should be you giving her some support and time. Dealing with her friend leaving is an emotional thing to deal with and she should have the support of her sister.

stinkerbell6879 · April 2010

The people who are RESPONSIBLE for planning are....YOU & YOUR FI...end of story. Is it nice to have outside input, Yes, is it mandatory, No. So if you don't want people to think you are a bridezilla you will understand that she is going thru a hard time and you don't need to add to it by kicking her out of the bridal party.

duckie1905 · April 2010

It isn't her responsibility to find your vendors or help out in any other way. Her "job" is to buy the dress and show up at the wedding. It is great if BMs want to help but no one is required to do so.

How about caring about what your sister is going through instead of only trying to reach her in order to insist she help you? Your wedding is not the center of her universe.

Wedding planning is only as hard as you make it. If you can't handle the planning yourself either scale back your plans or hire a planner. The only other person (besides you, of course) that is responsible for planning is your FI. Your BMs, your MOH, your mom, his mom...no one but the two of you have any obligation to plan or do anything.

Get over yourself. Your sister is proabably just annoyed with your self-absorbed and constantly wedding babbling.

MISSCOURTNEY20 · April 2010

I wasn't going to say anything but this really needs to be said.

I feel sorry for you. If my best friend even THOUGHT about moving out of the country, I would SHUT DOWN!!! You do not choose your siblings, but you do choose your friends. And if she left me, I would not know what to do!!! So it is really too bad that you can't relate to the fact that she is obviously hurting.

I also feel bad for your BMs, because what they are doing for you, is obviously, not good enough! They don't HAVE to do anything!!

Also, why are you looking soo much to your sister to do anything?? If you ask her once, why ask her again if she didn't respond the first time??? If you feel that between you, your FI and your BM's, that there are still not enough hands on deck, HIRE A PLANNER!!!

CTGirl30 · April 2010

Your wedding is one day. Your sister is your sister for life.

Stop seeing life through the lens of Your Wedding for a little bit and take a step back on this one. The only people who need to be researching vendors are you and your FI. YOU plan your own wedding. If you cannot handle it, then you either scale back or hire professional planner. But you shouldn't be relying on BP members to do those things for you.

Your sister is clearly hurting right now - have a little compassion for her and consider your relationship as sisters here. She needs you to be a friend to her more than she needs you to be The Bride hounding her about doing things you should be doing yourself for this wedding.

Do not kick her out of your WP unless you want to damage a blood relationship for a very long time (possibly permanently) and for what?

trix1223 · April 2010

You CHOSE to do those things for your friends when you were a BM. Veiled threats or not, you didn't have to do so much, and I personally think you were silly to spend 1K on a b-party if you couldn't really afford it.

But.....the fact that you made the decision to do all of that doesn't mean that it's required nor should it be expected.

GL to you. Your wedding planning is only as stressful as YOU make it. Remember, you can't control what other people do. You can only control your response to their actions.

aerinpegadrak · April 2010

I'm glad you were able to take the advice in the light it was given. Remember, you can FEEL however you bloody well please, and you can't really control that. It's your actions that you can and must control. Just keep being the bigger person and the good and understanding bride; I'm sure your sister will thank you for it down the road, even if she can't really appreciate it right now.

JJWillis3 · April 2010

Ya know, I have heard a lot of people complain about not getting help. Have you ever thought about the flip side. I have had some friends who's family was paying for the wedding. Since their family was paying they wanted their opinion on everything. You should look at this as your chance to pick out what you want and to make it whatever you want. If your sister wants to be involved down the road then let her come to you at that point.

There are other's in your situation as well. In fact, my Maid of Honor isn't the planning type at all. If she tried to help plan something we would end up without enough chairs, half the people would get invites with one address and the other half would say something entirely different, etc. Ya know what, she is my friend and I am happy that she will be there smiling at me as I walk down the isle. I'm glad that she will share this memory with the rest of us.

My MOH a.k.a. My sister isn't helpful...

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