My family is MAD! How do I fix it?

imsmall227 · August 2010

Hi everyone. I'm brand new here, but my family is about to disown me over my wedding, so I really want to know what to do. HELP pleeeease!

My family is huge: mom's one of 9 siblings and dad's one of 4. Everyone has kids, so I have around 30 first cousins. FI and I are on a tight budget, and our venue is small (150 ppl max). I invited all aunts and uncles and the cousins I am close to (6 of them and they are all IN the wedding party). My one aunt is very offended that her daughters (16, 19, and 21) aren't invited but some younger cousins are. I'm not all that close to them and they're constantly complaining about attending family gatherings and spend the whole time texting on their cell phones. I explained the money situation to my aunt, but she thinks I'm showing favoritism and should have made it 21+ instead of picking and choosing. If I did that, I'd have to exclude the cousins I actually speak to though! What to do?? Change the venue and invite them all (invites haven't gone out) or stick to my guns? (sorry for the long post, and thanks in advance for weighing in!)

quotequeen · August 2010

This is the risk you take by inviting some people from a particular group and not others. What you should do about it depends on how much you care if your aunt is mad, and how long you think she will hold a grudge over it. Is it just the aunt, or are your parents/others also upset about this decision?

imsmall227 · August 2010

So far it's just the one aunt. No one else has said anything, but this aunt is known for speaking her mind. My parents are helping pay for the reception, and my mom was the one who cut cousins from the guest list. I initially wanted to invite everyone but just couldn't afford to. I care that my aunt is hurt, of course.. family is very important. But I really think the girls wouldn't want to come anyway

pumpkinpumpkin · August 2010

If you're not close to them, I wouldn't personally worry about it.

frogurt814 · August 2010

H has a huge family. His mom is one of 8 and his dad is one of 4. We picked a venue that was big enough to fit everyone. We found a reception venue that offered a price we could afford for all of our guests. It wasn't our dream venue but that's what worked so that we could invite everyone.

I usually stick by the rule that if you invite one person from a certain group (as in one of the 9 siblings) then you need to invite all of them. Same goes for thier children, IMO. If you invite one aunt's children then you should invite the other aunt's children.

vegasgroom · August 2010

Tell your aunt to stay at home and attend their hurt feelings then :-)

imsmall227 · August 2010

Yes, I'd definitely love to invite them if I have people decline, because then it will still be within my budget and space limits. I was hoping FAMILY of all people would understand, especially knowing the financial situation I'm in as a nursing student, but seeing how she's reacting now... I think adding them as B-list guests would be offensive to her too. However, I might just do that anyway, explaining to her the reasoning. Maybe..

twilight.rose · August 2010

I would stick to your decision for now, as long as whomever is paying is okay with the decision. Deal with adding them (or not) after you actually receive declines.

georgia_bride09 · August 2010

You can't please everyone all the time. In wedding planning, somebody will always have a problem with your decisions. You have to decide if you'd rather have the wedding YOU want or compromise for an extended family member. Personally, I'd tell my aunt that my wedding isn't a family reunion and you're sorry you hurt her feelings, but the guest list is final. If she chooses to stay home with her daughters, then that is her choice.

imsmall227 · August 2010

Thanks everyone! Yeah, if I change the venue, I'm out my $500 deposit, which cuts my budget even more! I'd have to have it at a very inexpensive place and probably make it cash bar, which the aunt in question found offensive at my brother's wedding last year. I think I'll just try and let this blow over. The wedding is in June so hopefully she'll be over it by then.

georgia_bride09 · August 2010

Don't do a B-list. Either invite them or don't. And don't change to a cash bar just to accomodate her daughters. Stand up for yourself and own the decisions you've already made.

nhelene · August 2010

It sounds like you didn't actually invite the 'close' cousins... you asked them to be in the WP. Your aunt is going to be pissy no matter what, but that seems like a reasonable 'excuse' for inviting those 6 and not others.

A few of FI's cousins he hasn't seen in forever are apparently pissed their not invited to our wedding, but fortunately FMIL is handling them.

Beachy730 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-mad-fix?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:45d3d914-131e-4917-b5ac-132f4cff664cPost:16ee193c-0ac3-4f69-ae95-139514c8d3be">Re: My family is MAD! How do I fix it?</a>:
[QUOTE]H has a huge family. His mom is one of 8 and his dad is one of 4. We picked a venue that was big enough to fit everyone. We found a reception venue that offered a price we could afford for all of our guests. It wasn't our dream venue but that's what worked so that we could invite everyone. I usually stick by the rule that if you invite one person from a certain group (as in one of the 9 siblings) then you need to invite all of them. Same goes for thier children, IMO. If you invite one aunt's children then you should invite the other aunt's children.
Posted by frogurt814[/QUOTE]

Ditto this.

Your wedding is still 10 months away. Personally, if I were you I would be looking for a different venue that can accomodate everyone at a price you can afford. I don't understand when people say they have a big family or big guest list but booked a venue that can hold X many. If you knew what a big family you have, you should have never booked a venue that holds so few. (Not just you OP, but in general to all posters reporting the same problem). Did you put down a deposit on your venue that you would lose?

I know that if I found out a cousin of mine was getting married and picking and choosing which first cousins to invite, I would be pretty upset. You should definitely be making your cuts across groups or social circles to avoid this. If your aunt is going to make a big deal about it and hold a grudge, is it worth it to you to have hard feelings in your family over a "dream venue?"

And definitely don't do a B list for your first cousins and aunts. B lists are bad in any situation, but the only way I find them to be somewhat acceptable is when the people on the B list are not aware that invites had already been sent out, and they don't know anybody on the A list to find out. Neither of which is your circumstance, and them knowing they are on the B list is a huge slap in the face.

My vote: find a new venue

imsmall227 · August 2010

[QUOTE] Stand up for yourself and own the decisions you've already made.
Posted by georgia_bride09[/QUOTE]

Thanks! I needed this... in this situation, and the rest of my life. I think that's why she said anything in the first place - I always go out of my way to accommodate other people, but maybe for this one day I don't really need to.

quotequeen · August 2010

It sounds like you don't really have an option that will make your aunt happy at this point, so I would probably just let it go and stick with what you have. Switching to a cash bar is likely to offend more people than just this aunt.

imsmall227 · August 2010

[QUOTE] I don't understand when people say they have a big family or big guest list but booked a venue that can hold X many. If you knew what a big family you have, you should have never booked a venue that holds so few. Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

Because I love the place, the price is right, and once the guest count had been decided (after mom cut the cousins not in the wedding party), it was perfect. Only after that did this dilemma arise. Had I been intending to invite more people, I certainly wouldn't have booked a too-small venue.

loop0406 · August 2010

Your venue might charge you a cancellation fee or ask for the whole balance if you cancel so check your contract before cancelling. I don't suggest cancelling or moving to another venue just because an aunt wants her children invited or thinks it should be 21 and up. It's your wedding, not hers. You should just explain that your guest list is limited and you're choosing closest friends/family. Those who want to be there, will. Those who want to be upset about their children not invited and don't go, don't go. You will still have a beautiful wedding and that's all that should and will matter.

(If you can't do open bar, try 1 signature drink and see if that will be cheaper. Cash bar is frowned upon)

mkrupar · August 2010

I've got to agree with dnbeach on this one. It seems that you decided your venue was more important than your family. You mom had to cut the cousins not in the wedding party, meaning they were originally on the invite list. Then you chose a venue too small and they're the first to go (Because you looooooved it). I'm sure you could have looked around and found a bigger venue that would have accoommodated everyone in the budget.

I would be upset if I were your Aunt. My brother invited cousins from my mom's side of the family, but none from my dad's side. My father and they were all upset. It was very rude of my brother to do that.

My sister on the other hand, made the decision to not invite ANY of the cousins, because adding them adds 30+people. Many of them were upset, but they understood because NONE of the cousins had been invited.

Because of these two situations, I made the decision early on that I would invite ALL of my cousins (and they're kids, since it's a DW for them) and found a venue that was big enough, and within the budge to accommodate ALL of them. It's the right thing to do.

imsmall227 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-mad-fix?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:45d3d914-131e-4917-b5ac-132f4cff664cPost:58a68025-a8d7-4314-85ee-9f05ec57dd99">Re: My family is MAD! How do I fix it?</a>:
[QUOTE] Then you chose a venue too small and they're the first to go (Because you looooooved it). I'm sure you could have looked around and found a bigger venue that would have accoommodated everyone in the budget.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

Any suggestions, then, for how to find a place that will hold 200 guests, with open bar for 175 of them, for under $7,500? That's only $37.50 per person. I'm really not being sarcastic or rude. I'm hoping there's a creative (yet not trashy) solution to this issue. In my area (Bergen county, NJ) , there's not even a VFW I've found for that price. By having it where I am, a restaurant on a Sunday, I was able to do 150 people with beer and wine for that price. I was so proud of myself for pulling it off, but now I'm ready to call the whole thing off and elope or just stop discussing it and do what I planned. I really didn't have the intention of hurting anyone.

mica178 · August 2010

The damage is done. You've stated that you couldn't find a bigger place in your budget. Your parents already approved of the family cuts. Just hold your head up and stick to your plan. I don't think the Aunt is going to be happy about anything at this point. And I doubt her daughters would come if you B-listed them.

Beachy730 · August 2010

If this is your only option for a venue, then you need to just work around it. You keep saying "I invited..." Since your wedding is 6 months away, I'm assuming you mean I'm going to invite. Did you already send out STD's to people on this list?

My best suggestion to you then given this situation is that you make your wedding adults only, with the exception of these 6 that are in the wedding. Any adults only wedding takes exception to kids in the WP, including RBs and FGs. So I would invite all aunts and uncles to keep it fair, and then do not invite any cousins other than the ones in the WP.

Thats the only way I can see for you to explain it to your aunt as fair, and her hopefully understanding. Would that work for you?

lharri12 · August 2010

Not being invited to a family member's wedding is a slap in the face to some people who might hold a grudge for a long time. But if having those people in your life is not that important to you, then it might be worth it to have close friends there instead of family members you aren't close to.

imsmall227 · August 2010

[QUOTE]If this is your only option for a venue, then you need to just work around it. You keep saying "I invited..." Since your wedding is 6 months away, I'm assuming you mean I'm going to invite. Did you already send out STD's to people on this list? My best suggestion to you then given this situation is that you make your wedding adults only, with the exception of these 6 that are in the wedding. Any adults only wedding takes exception to kids in the WP, including RBs and FGs. So I would invite all aunts and uncles to keep it fair, and then do not invite any cousins other than the ones in the WP. Thats the only way I can see for you to explain it to your aunt as fair, and her hopefully understanding. Would that work for you?
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

Yes, save the dates went out, which is what raised the red flag that the cousins weren't invited. As for your suggestion, that's exactly what I've already done. The cousins I'm close to, I'm close enough to that I wanted them in my wedding party, and those are the only ones I invited. And all aunts and uncles are invited.

squirrly · August 2010

I'm with Georgia on this one. The only other thing I'd do is ask your mom (the aunt is her sister, I gathered?) to step in and try to help diffuse things. Aside from that, I think, "I'm so sorry you're hurt. It most certainly was not our intent, and I hope you'll be able to attend and enjoy the wedding. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go see a woman about a cake." And exit stage left.

imsmall227 · August 2010

Squirrly - I like that response a lot. Thanks, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE that picture of your hair! Gorgeous

mkrupar · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-mad-fix?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:45d3d914-131e-4917-b5ac-132f4cff664cPost:c34dcc0d-e292-47a2-8cdd-e83e96294dc7">Re: My family is MAD! How do I fix it?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm with Georgia on this one. The only other thing I'd do is ask your mom (the aunt is her sister, I gathered?) to step in and try to help diffuse things. Aside from that, I think, "I'm so sorry you're hurt. It most certainly was not our intent, and I hope you'll be able to attend and enjoy the wedding. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go see a woman about a cake." And exit stage left.
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

Yeah, after your explanation of the venue, this is probably your only option.

Beachy730 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-mad-fix?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:45d3d914-131e-4917-b5ac-132f4cff664cPost:2bc082e1-c689-4f80-ac7c-5518307b8f14">Re: My family is MAD! How do I fix it?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, save the dates went out, which is what raised the red flag that the cousins weren't invited. As for your suggestion, that's exactly what I've already done. The cousins I'm close to, I'm close enough to that I wanted them in my wedding party, and those are the only ones I invited. And all aunts and uncles are invited.
Posted by imsmall227[/QUOTE]

Okay I didn't get that from your first post. I thought you did picking and choosing throughout your cousins on top of the ones in the WP.

Then leave it as it is, you followed proper etiquette as far as a no kids wedding. You can tell your aunt it is for 21+ only, with the exception of the WP. I still think she will be upset, and honestly in my family they would be too. But I have a very close family so there would definitely be hard feelings and problems from leaving certain people out.

As squirrly said, have your mom step in to help, and stick to your guest list as is.

ariellexathena · August 2010

You made the decision that was best for yourself and you budget, Honestly i completely understand that you could not include certain family members. I think you should forget what everyone else is saying and make the best decision for yourself. Whether your missing Aunt&co or it turns out that they all show up, its still going to be your wedding! Your special day! Plan it around you desires you deserve to have YOUR day exactly the way you want it! Good luck! im sure you'll find a great solution.

hworcester · August 2010

Stick to your guns. I don't understand why our entire lives we are told that our wedding is OUR big day, then when it comes down to it, we're told we're selfish in our choices of how we want it to be. Yes, your aunt feels slighted, but she'll get over it. And if she doesn't, oh well. It doesn't sound like you're all that close with her and her kids in the first place. And, her opinion that you should have made it 21+, is only her opinion. Besides, 21+ would cost you more money! At least with some kids there, you're not buying alcohol for 150 ppl!

marissa_claire · September 2010

If it wasn't this, there will always be guests who have complaints about something. I would tell her she can worry about guest lists when her own daughters are getting married in a few years.

My family is MAD! How do I fix it?

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