Friends Angry Because They Are Not Bridesmaids

mollyj916 · April 2010

My fiance and I are planning to have a simple and short ceremony with a family member marrying us and a small guest list (yes, i know that can change).Also, we have basically no budget since we just bought a house. Becuase we have so many friends and family members that would feel left out if they were not in the wedding party over other people, we decided that he would have his brother as his best man and, since i don't have a sister, i would have my best friend from collge (who isn't friends with all of my other ones from high school) be my MOH and that would be it. We just want a casual and fun wedding where everyone feels relaxed and can even wear whatever they want! (ie, no ugly bridesmaids dresses).

two friends from high school were very angry (made me cry) when i mentioned this idea - wasn't set in stone. they were even more angry that I mentioned it during an engagement party my fiance's mother threw for us with only his family and his parent's friends (my two friends seemed miffed that they weren't invited so i told them they could come - my own family wasn't even there!) I certainly did not mean to insult them - it's not like i was choosing 10 other girls and not them. I wanted them involved still, they just wouldn't technically be bridesmaids. it's been a year and we are finally on speaking terms. I wish i had never said anything because it really has put a gloom over everything for me. But there is another part of me that wonders if maybe it's not such a bad thing, considering how they reacted.

Am I a terrible person because I was thinking about not having a big wedding party? My mom only had an MOH... I didn't think it was that big of a deal. Personally, I have been a bridesmaid in four weddings - including the wedding for one of the girls in question. I was honored to be in all of them, but I wouldn't have been upset if i wasn't. I feel terrible, and then I feel angry too. And why would they be angry that I told them at my own engagement party? They asked me about it there! ugh. I had always wanted them to help me plan and get ready with me...now i don't know if they will even come to the wedding.

Any thoughts? Comments? Am I going to evil Bride heck?

Blueyed228 · April 2010

I wouldnt talk about the wedding party to people who are not in your wedding party.

mollyj916 · April 2010

well, I knew they expected it, so i figured that telling them now rather than ignoring them and then just sending an invitation to the wedding later seemed even more crappy. they were very good friends and I wanted to be straight with them. maybe elopement would have been easier. I never realized before this that weddings are not about the bride and groom, but everyone else.

drileybubeck · April 2010

I'm with you, OP on the fact of having a small WP. I hate armies of girls preceding the bride. You just sit there like "is the bride coming any time today? another baby blue taffeta gown? guess not."

But I'm with PP in that you shouldn't have said anything about it. I warned my friends that I wasn't going to ask anyone past a MOH because my FH could, literally, only come up with a best man. I felt bad and said, "well, I want you guys to come kick in it my boudoir while I'm getting ready, you're still getting gifts and I'm getting you corsages so even if you aren't standing up with me, everyone knows you're incredibly special to me."

We're still way off for planning, so we might have them read poems or participate in our handfasting. Think of some way you can still incorporate them; I think it'd make them feel a little better. They did over-react, though. You don't deserve someone making you cry over something like this. That's just bogus.

mollyj916 · April 2010

i probably didn't say it the right way and I was nervous because I knew they assumed they would be in the wedding party. I suck. Thanks for suggestions and comments. we don't even have our date yet and already I am a terrible bride.

MeaghanandMichael · April 2010

This is absolutely your decision about what is right for your wedding. I had many girls upset they were not in my wedding and I already had 8 bridesmaids. I even wish we had gone smaller but getting married out of college I get how people are psyched to be in your WP and things get stressful. Keep your chin up and stand strong.

They are the rude ones for assuming things about their role in your wedding and perhaps they honestly don't know any better. It sounds like you need to have a heart to heart with them about their concerns. You owe them that as they are your friends. It sounds like your heart is in the right place though.

MeaghanandMichael · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_friends-angry-because-not-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:db2b38a5-ee71-4d80-a554-039814bab228Post:754c87d0-e725-4393-9844-3404fe944453">Re: Friends Angry Because They Are Not Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friends Angry Because They Are Not Bridesmaids : I think that is a very valid point. My first friend to get married right out of college had 10 bridesmaids and her DH had the same # of GMs. It was the biggest wedding party I'd every be in. We had a blast, but I can't imagine that big of a bridal party.<strong> In a way, I think the first few people who get married from a group get thrown into the the "oh, S**T, I have to have everyone in or they'll be super mad" panic attack</strong>.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

Well definitely, but ours was ever more naive "woooo we're getting married, who wants to partaaaaaaaay?!" It was a blast, and I love all my girls, but if I could do it again I would go MUCH simpler :)

megk8oz · April 2010

I was a BM for a friend of mine who had 5 (Well, 6, if you count the girl she "fired", but that's another story), and didn't take it very well when she found out that I had only asked family for mine (Same thing-trying to keep it as simple as possible ... and honestly, even if I asked my 7 closest friends, this girl still wouldn't have been included).

But instead of not talking to me, she went the exact opposite route: she started calling and texting me all day everyday ... I think if she could have surgically attached herself to me, she would have, basically trying to send the 'subtle' message "See, I'm a great friend, and I'd make a totally awesome BM, and asking me would be the best idea ever". It would have been an awful idea, considering how much being in her wedding made me want to strangle her. My wedding came and went, with only my 2 sisters and his only sister standing up for me, and I can honestly say, I have no regrets about keeping it small. If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have changed a thing.

tigerlily25 · April 2010

This wedding is about you and your future husband, not your high school friends who are still acting like they are IN high school.

They need to stop being so immature and self centered. Personally, I would have enjoyed the peace and quiet of them not speaking to me. And no you aren't an evil bride

riverjib · April 2010

You're not doing anything wrong. You chose to keep your ceremony small and intimate, and you're still inviting your friends!

My cousin has four sisters, but she has one who is really her best friend. They're "Irish twins" who were always best friends and hung out with the same group of people. She invited over 150 people to her wedding, but chose to have only a MOH and no bridesmaids. Her sisters weren't offended, though they're all really close...and they're close with all their cousins. This particular cousin is 3 months younger than me, and we were probably closer than she is with most of her sisters and friends.

She actually approached me when she decided to have a small wedding party to make sure I wouldn't be offended if she didn't choose additional BMs. Though I was touched that she considered my feelings, I laughed! She realistically had to choose between having one or eight bridesmaids! She didn't want a large wedding party, but including anyone else would have created too many politics. She could have chosen her sisters, but that might have created drama with her two closest friends, and my and my sister, who are equally close to her. So she chose to only include her closest sister, which everyone understood. Honestly, I think it made more sense than choosing a few people. Who can argue with her decision? By choosing only her MOH, nobody else felt "less important" to her.

If she had chosen eight of us, there might have been additional drama about who stood closest to her during the ceremony...and the obvious drama that goes with WPs in general. Even if you choose lovely women who have always been there for you and you know will always be there, there is always something. I thought my cousin gracefully dodged those issues by choosing only the most obvious officiant.

mollyj916 · April 2010

Thank you!

kwrobertson · April 2010

im keeping it small: 2 BM, 1 MOH. initially i got alot of strange looks and rude comments, but i didn't let it bother me.

it's your wedding, therefore it is your's and FI's decsion, no one elses. if you feel like it, explain to them that you just want to keep it simple. you don't have to justify yourself to any of those girls. and if they don't like it and are still being rude, tell em to suck it....or if they would cause more drama, tell them that I told them to suck it.

duckie1905 · April 2010

I agree with everyone else. It is your decision. They have no right to expect or demand that they be in the wedding party.

With that being said, I've been given the "here is why you aren't a BM" speech before and it was INCREDIBLY hurtful and pretty much ruined my relationship with the bride. I didn't care about not being a BM and would've been happy to just attend at a guest. But, the fact that she felt the need to explain to me why I didn't make the cut was really unnecessary and made me feel like a second string friend. If she had never said something I never would've cared.

jennylove810 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_friends-angry-because-not-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:db2b38a5-ee71-4d80-a554-039814bab228Post:4335582f-76d0-4a53-887f-fcb4e3b584f0">Re: Friends Angry Because They Are Not Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm with you, OP on the fact of having a small WP. I hate armies of girls preceding the bride. <strong>You just sit there like "is the bride coming any time today? another baby blue taffeta gown? guess not."</strong>
Posted by drileybubeck[/QUOTE]

Hahahah!

For a second, it almost seemed like the old SB board was back.

felicia220 · April 2010

I may be a little late in the game here. But OP you are right, the wedding does become about everyone else and what they want. We also decided to not have a BP, just BestM and MOH and some people were pissed. Some were pissed that we said something to them directly about it and some where upset because we just causal told them and they felt that we should have sat down with them and talked to them about it. Either way you can't win. I dont' understand why people get so crazy about the Bridesmaid Title. They just need to get over it, there is really nothing you can do. No matter how much you explain why you did what you did. Have you wedding the way t'hat you want, because you don't want to look back 10 years from now and go, "man, I wish I would have had that small BP"

mollysophia · April 2010

I feel like if they really cared about you and where as close as you're letting on, they wouldn't mind. My best friend for all of my life isn't in the wedding party because she lives half way across the country and wouldn't have time to help me plan or anything. She's still happy for me! I think you should try to relax and not think about it. Maybe there's another underlying issue here that they're not letting on to.

msalit · April 2010

There's no easy way to tell someone they are not a BM when they expected to be one. But i think it stings less if they feel that it isn't just them. For this reason alone, I think it is ok to mention that you were having a small WP or that you were keeping it in the family. Keep it impersonal when you explain it, though.

mollyj916 · April 2010

I probably did tell them too early - but i was sort of put on the spot. oh well. all my other friends literally called me the next day (after they got engaged) and asked me to be bridesmaid! I guess they just expected me to already know that part. whatever. it'll be fine i think. thank you ladies for your comments and advice. i really appreciate it

angela72023 · April 2010

I was told by my Fi's aunt who I was "allowed" to have in my WP. That lasted about 2 weeks. I finally said whatever and asked the people I wanted. Unfortunately, one of my FSIL's marriage is always on again-off again and even though she and I are close, my Fi said absolutely not about her being a BM. I did talk to her before I talked to anyone else because she had been asking me where she should get her dress from, etc...She told me she was fine with it/didn't want to be in the wedding anyway...and now has tried to take over every other aspect of my wedding....It's never easy leaving people out of the WP, but I have asked her to come with us to get our hair done, be in the room with all of us getting ready, etc...I just hope she's in a good mood the day of the wedding.

I hope you guys make up

heather_shadow · May 2010

You should have let me borrow some of your friends...I had 2 bridesmaids drop out. It is important to have the most important people standing next to you on your big day. I know I did.

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