Wedding Day drama....one year later.

kelly_shaffer1 · April 2011

Almost one year after the wedding I am still running into family issues associated with the wedding. Here's the situation: During the wedding planning process I had some conflicts with my FMIL. My mom and I wanted a small wedding, my FH and his mom wanted a large wedding. We tried to compromise and have something in the middle. My FH would address issues with his mom and I would address the issues with my mom during the whole planning process. We managed to come to a solution, FH's parents would incurr more of the cost of the wedding if they were able to invite more people. Thought they still paid less than half of what my parents paid, my parents would get the say on the alcohol issued discussed below. Worked out well, or so I thought.
The alcohol issues: grandparents are strict Protestants with a serious adversion to alcohol. My mother and I knew this going into the wedding, in fact it is well known that they will leave a wedding as soon as alcohol is brought out even if it is their own child's wedding (did actually happen). My FH's family really loves to drink. During the planning process I explained to the FIL this problem and everyone agreed that we would wait to serve alcohol until after the cake was cut (knowing that my grandparents would then leave and feeling ok with them leaving then since they witnessed the major milestones). Please keep in mind that the cake was cut immediately after dinner. During this process my FMIL even stated that she thought it was great I still had grandparents to share in our special day (FH's grandparents passed when he was little).
The problem arose at the rehearsal dinner. My FMIL started pushing the alcohol issue (she wanted it served earlier). She said that she was afraid that FH's uncles and aunts would really be expcting alcohol earlier. It really upset me and my mother as everyone, including FILs, had already agreed that alcohol would not be served until after the cake. She just wouldn't let it go! I stated that the issue had already been settled and we were not discussing it anymore. FH was silent (though later he stated he agreed with me, but he didn't want to get involved in the conflict, an issue we have since addressed). I am still really hurt that she kinda tried to corner my mother at the rehearsal dinner to get her way on an issue that had already been discussed to death and was agreed upon.
At the wedding, FH's family brought drinks up to the ballroom from the hotel bar downstairs (behind mine and FH's back FMIL opened a tab down there for the guests). Irked me when I found out later, but my grandparents must not have noticed (I don't know how) or realized that the alcohol was not being provided or sanctioned by my family and stayed til after the cake cutting.
First issue: It still hurts me to this day though that my MIL had such flagrant disregard for mine and my FH's wishes on our wedding day (FH was totally on board with me about the alcohol). Even more so that she went behind our back to open that other bar. I still have resentment left over from that day.
Second issue: It's been one year since the wedding but my mother still HATES my MIL because of all this. She didn't want to go to my best friend's wedding shower if my MIL was going to be there (MIL wasn't invited but I was surprised by this as my best friend is marrying my DH's best friend). I really don't know what we are going to do when we have kids and have joint birthday parties!
So...how do I get rid of my feelings of resentment and get the two families to get along?

Theresa626 · April 2011

YOu and your mother both really honestly seriously NEED to get over this. I really understand that you are angry and resentful but it is just not worth it carrying that kind of anger on and on for years. The thing is they didn't actually ruin anything. YOur grandparents stayed and did not leave! I know what they did was dishonest but they didn't actually cause any harm to your wedding. What WILL cause harm however is you and your mother holding grudges. If you hold a grudge this bad for this long, it will eventually cause more harm than your mother in law lying about alcohol. People are not always respectful or understanding of your feelings and it's awful when they're not. But, I think for the future, I would just try to concentrate on the positive things about his mother and not expect her to understand your feelings or position on things. If you continue to hold this grudge, you're going to force your husband to choose between you and his mom which he should never have to do. It could cause a strain in your marriage. Try to breathe deeply and every time you remember your grudge, think of something else and thank god that your wedding turned out fine in the end.

I don't know that you can get your MIL and mother to like each other. YOu're only in control of your own feelings. You can certainly talk to your mother but it may or may not have an effect. However, most people I know don't have their parents hanging out with each other. MOst married couples do two of the holidays, one with each spouse's family. So, if the parents don't like each other, just do what all other married couples do and have separate holidays and don't bring up in laws to your own parents.

kelly_shaffer1 · April 2011

Thanks for the good advice. I'm thinking that part of the reason that I'm still upset about what happened is because DH and I are still struggling with setting boundaries with his mother. I think she thinks that we are too young to make our own decisions, we are both 27 btw. In a way I understand her feeling like that about DH, when I met him he was 24 and she would still stop by his apartment to pick up his laundry, take it home with her, and then bring it back. She also handled some of his finances (DH is really terrible about due dates). But I believe it is slowly getting better, mainly because DH is learning to tell her that we are adults and capable of making responsible decisions. And while they do have more life experience, we need to be able to make our own mistakes.
I think I just mainly needed to vent. I think things will get better over the years as boundaries become more established. Thanks for letting me vent.

JessieR933 · April 2011

I understand completely. It is easier to say that you will get "over" something, but that doesn't happen....
So I do not have any real good advise. Just try to keep your thoughts to yourself around the MIL and the Husband, and vent to anyone else you will listen.

Good Luck.

Kristi S · April 2011

All I can say is that it takes a lot of time. Just be nice and open and eventually others will do the same. I know it is not what you want to hear as most people want a fix right away, but After many years together the family will realize that you must be doing something right.
As for the kids thing, I know you want both families to get along and not have seperate functions. Just tell them upfront: this is when and where blah, blah, blah will happen and I hope to see you there.

snorwo3 · April 2011

Just out of curiosity, do your grandparents go to restaurants? Alcohol is served at almost every restaurant and it just seems strange to me that you'd avoid dining out for your entire life just to avoid alcohol

I think you really did a generous and kind thing by making special arrangements for your grandparents. I admire you because I certainly wouldn't have the restraint to do that. Does their kid that they left the wedding hold a grudge against them? I don't know how I'd feel if my own parents left my wedding because of something like that.

That aside, it was rude of your MIL to disrespect your wishes and do something like that. But I don't think you should hold a grudge. Maybe his family members would have gotten rowdy or rude without alcohol, as they probably weren't all informed prior to the wedding that it wouldn't be served until later. Not all people are understanding of others' beliefs and I can picture irritated relatives causing a stink, so maybe your MIL wanted to allieviate some of the tension by giving them drinks elsewhere..?

I don't know.. best of luck to you, dear!

mattycam · April 2011

I know getting over something is hard but since you are married into this family it is best that you put the matter to rest. At the end of the day while you are burning with anger and resentment towards your MIL, it's not affecting her in any way. It is affecting your health, mental and emotional state, not hers. So please pray about the situation and be at peace with it.

Magdala9 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_wedding-day-dramaone-year-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:bb04cb74-fdea-4008-bdea-3d00829d0e40Post:03ba1840-99a3-4fc7-b044-03636a0cd3f9">Re: Wedding Day drama....one year later.</a>:
[QUOTE] "Thanks for the good advice. I'm thinking that part of the reason that I'm still upset about what happened is because DH and I are still struggling with setting boundaries with his mother. I think she thinks that we are too young to make our own decisions, we are both 27 btw." <div>
</div><div>DH and I are having boundary issues with MIL and we are in our 40s. There are mothers who believe it is their mission in life to run their children's families.
<div>
</div><div> "But I believe it is slowly getting better, mainly because DH is learning to tell her that we are adults and capable of making responsible decisions." </div><div>
</div><div>This is critical and he will need your love and support to do this. She knows how to push his buttons because she is the one who installed them. </div><div>
</div><div>As far as the resentment goes, it is only hurting you. Letting it go is a good idea. </div></div>

licelot13 · April 2011

all well and happy, get over it, yeah right! i think you should learn from it. Now you know who she really is, and you need to learn to go around it. how? that's for you to learn and mostly when kids come alone! just remember she's going to be grandma and her job is to spoil rotten your kids, so take a chill pill, talk to her and tell her how you feel about it and how she broke your trust in her. because that 's why you feel that way, you trusted she will do the right thing but she didnt! and go from there, if she doesnt see it, i 'd recomend to keep distance from her (or at least as much as you can without interfiering with social events)...

good luck!

niquemel · April 2011

Viewing it through a different perspective might help you get over it quicker.

Try to think of it this way: she didn't do it to spite you. She did it, discreetly, to ensure her family's enjoyment of her son's wedding. In the end, your grandparents didn't notice, so no harm no foul. Everyone enjoyed themselves.

kelly_shaffer1 · April 2011

Thanks everybody. Sometimes it helps just to talk to others. Thanks again!

mm4662 · April 2011

I understand how you feel. I totally do.

However, I hate to say it but being upset won't change it. I would talk to my husband and explain how you feel. I would make sure to keep open communication about his parents. She might not stop but it will be good to know that your husband stands up for your relationship.

cryssylee90 · May 2011

To be perfectly honest though I agree that you need to get over it and forgive MIL, what concerns me is she has no regards for your boundries...and trust me 90% of the time boundry stopping ILs get worse when grandbabies are involved. Though I agree you need to forgive MIL you need to sit down with her and explain to her that she needs to be respectful of your boundries and if she isnt then her involvement in your husbands and your lives (including children) will be very limited. My LO is no longer permitted to see ex's mother because her boundry stopping came to the point that she was boudmouthing me to my own child because she was angry that I created boundries. My 7 yo nephew came to me one day and said Aunt C what is a c***. My jaw dropped, I asked him where he heard it and he said "ma-maw was feeing *daughter* today and was talking to her and said that she should be allowed to eat chocolate with her cousin (DD was only 8 mos) but bc her mommy was such a c*** she couldnt let her have any..." thats the last day she ever saw my LO

Your situation could very well be different but just be careful when it comes to boundry stomping....lay the rules out as soon as possible or shes going to keep doing it

Milagros121 · May 2011

Here's mine:

FMIL kept saying that it was our wedding, we could do whatever we wanted. She would then say that we had to invite certain people, we had to do this or that. We decided on a small wedding and told her that. We wern't allowed to have a stag n drag because she didn't like the idea.

While we were dating, she would do things against our wishes because she thought it was what should have been done (ex: telling the family when we got engaged because she didn't like how we were planning on doing it, yelling at my guy friends because I was dating her son and shouldn't have been spending time with them, telling him that I wasn't committed to him because I had friends he didn't know), and would tell my FH that he should break up with me because she didn't think we had what it took to make a marriage last or that I didn't clean/cook well enough,

After 5 months of this, we got sick of hearing that we could do what we wanted, and she didn't think she was asking for too much (she also tried to dictate who would wear what in the WP). We decided to elope with 2 family members each as guests and one witness each. He chose a close family member, since he figured she would just invite the family against our wishes.

We've been married for 2 months now, she hasn't said one word to me. I won't lie, I like it. She's a wench to the hubby (but she was before we got married too, when she realized he wasn't breaking up with me on her command), she told him she was too busy to see him on Mothers Day, and yelled at him for getting a new job.

The person he chose to be at the wedding was told that he should have called his mother as soon as he knew where and when the wedding was, because his mother had a right to be there.

Wedding Day drama....one year later.

Re: Wedding Day drama....one year later.

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