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Pre-wedding Parties

Rehearsal Dinner Input

Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate the input. There seems to be a predominant thought of how this situation should be handled and I intend to consider your suggestions and thoughts and move forward in this situation with my future family and my family. I know that you all had a choice in responding and how you responded.

Please keep in mind, as you continue to post on boards and offer advice and knowledge, as you all know and have been through the process, that every wedding can be a difficult time for all parties involved and can be stressful. Sometimes the kindest of words, even if you are trying to steer someone in a different direction or to guide them and present them with their wrong-doings, can make a bigger effect than cutting them down with harsh words. Though many of you have gone through your weddings and have a wealth of advice to give, please keep in mind that many brides and their familes are going through this the first time and it's a new experience and steep learning curve.


Re: Rehearsal Dinner Input

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_rehearsal-dinner-input?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:e79ff703-60cf-4e36-af86-86ef8eecb0c9Post:10fdfa2b-c11a-4f2a-ace8-0d6b7381e853">Rehearsal Dinner Input</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi everyone! My groom and I are currently having an issue regarding the rehearsal dinner planning<strong>. Now, I've read the ettiquete and I do understand that because his parents are hosting the dinner, they should have the creative say and be the "directors"</strong> of the party, but I am wondering how other brides have handled contributing their thoughts regarding the rehearsal dinner? Currently, the conversations between my future in-laws and my fiance and I have gone as follows (for reference, our wedding reception is a casual BBQ): -We suggested a backyard cookout with maybe catered Tex-Mex or hamburgers and chicken; His parents wanted a restaurant. -We (after checking with recommendations from our wedding planner) suggested one restaurant; His parents said that they had eaten there twice and didn't like it. They wanted a different, higher-end restaurant (plates were triple the price per person that we are paying for our reception) -We suggested a different restaurant owned by the same chef that was lower-key. It was right down the street from their original choice; They said they could not get it to see it the two weekends they stopped by because it was too crowded. Instead they wanted a different room (a wine bar) that would be a "clean slate" that they could do what they wanted. We said ok, but warned that it may end up costing more than they were expecting. -They said they wanted Mexican or Italian, so we recommended two restaurants. The Mexican restaurant had a phenominal catering menu, was fairly inexpensive, and they catered alcohol. The Italian restaurant had a traveling wood pizza oven that we thought would be fun for the kids and they already have a deal set up with the location so they already go to the site every Thursday and Friday and serve pizzas to anyone who shows up. We thought that would be perfect since they already work with the venue! His parents said they talked to a friend and the friend said that the wood pizza oven place wouldn't do catering like we are looking for (for 30 people). They chose a different Mexican restaurant to cater (different from our suggestion). Now it is to the point of the menu. They have said that they have picked out the menu, but won't give us any specifics or allow us to make a suggestion of what food we would prefer. Furthermore, they want to do a slideshow and my fiance and I said no because I, personally, am sensitive about photos of myself (I've lost 80 pounds the last 2 years and try to avoid any photos of myself from prior to that time because it embarrasses me drastically, rather than making me proud). I suggested the compromise of having a table of couple of baby photos each, our college graduation photo together, some engagement photos, and then some articles from when we were kids (like a baby blanket or something). His mother at first refused, but then came back and said ok, and is now trying to go back and do the slideshow. Needless to say, this situation is putting a lot of strain on my relationship with them, my fiance's relationship with them, and in the end, though I know I will always be the "in-law", I don't want my fiance's relationship with his parents completely damaged over this. Does anyone have any suggestions on how they handle the rehearsal dinner? Should I just be letting his parent's plan everything? I have been trying to be compromising and making suggestions based on the direction they would like to take things. Anyone? Suggestions? Thanks!!
    Posted by starrynight329[/QUOTE]

    <div>You should have paid attention to what you read. They were planning a nice dinner for your families, wedding party and S/Os(I hope). The RD and wedding reception are two seperate events and don't have to match in formality.You should have thanked them, but instead you've interferred with their plans every step of the way. They are the hosts, they have a right to plan this party. If I was your FMIL, I would be out of patience with you. I know this sounds harsh, but you should back off and let them do their thing. </div><div>
    </div><div>I agree with you on the pictures, though. Don't supply them with any pictures that make you feel uncomfortable. </div>
                       
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I agree with Maire. Let them handle the RD, but you are under no obligation to allow them to embarrass you with pictures that make you uncomfortable.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • edited March 2013
    Thank you both for your suggestions.
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_rehearsal-dinner-input?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:e79ff703-60cf-4e36-af86-86ef8eecb0c9Post:802a46b3-46a5-4489-940f-ab7ca0ac1644">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Input</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Rehearsal Dinner Input : You should have paid attention to what you read. They were planning a nice dinner for your families, wedding party and S/Os(I hope). The RD and wedding reception are two seperate events and don't have to match in formality.You should have thanked them, but instead you've interferred with their plans every step of the way. They are the hosts, they have a right to plan this party. If I was your FMIL, I would be out of patience with you. I know this sounds harsh, but you should back off and let them do their thing.  I agree with you on the pictures, though. Don't supply them with any pictures that make you feel uncomfortable. 
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    OP, reread what you originally read and reread this post. They are the hosts. Let them do it their way.
  • Their party, their show.  Let them at it.  You can make gentle suggestions if you are asked, but it's really not your business how they host the party.

    I understand that sometimes it can be hard to swallow, believe me.  My MIL talked about hiring a magician at one point for our RD.  That's right, you heard me, a magician.  I bit my tongue HARD on that one.  Thankfully that fell through.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

    image

    Anniversary

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited March 2013
    Wanting more communication with you and their son doesn't mean they want to do everything your way. When they disagreed with your first suggestion, you should have taken the hint. It's insulting to suggest they can't plan the menu, for their party, without your help. KWIM?
                       
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